Sars,

Your advice in The Vine is always so levelheaded and insightful.I am in need of your words of wisdom.

I met a man very recently.He and I hit it off like you wouldn’t believe. Good chemistry kind of stuff — physical attraction, a lot in common, traits that I admire, et cetera.It’s pretty obvious that the feeling is mutual. Here’s the catch.He has a girlfriend.I know, you saw that one coming.I won’t get into too much detail on the circumstances.He lives in another state with his girlfriend, but it has become necessary for him to move to my state for work for about a year.It was not feasible for the GF to join him, so they are doing the long-distance thing.Enter me…very early into their attempt at long distance.He’s not making any promises or serious indications to me that he will break up with her, but he’s also being honest with himself about how it may be hard to keep a long-distance thing going.

We’ve each made it very clear that we both want to get to know each other better and become close friends.When we go out, I assume the friend role because of the GF.It’s certainly clear that I like him, I flirt a little bit, but I don’t attack him.I don’t want to complicate his life.He has started it every time.Kissing me on the cheek, holding my hand, putting his arm around me.It’s not just physical things he’s starting either. He’s told me how comfortable he feels around me, how it’s hard to say goodbye to me, blah blah blah.Twice now it has escalated into some serious fooling around (sans the “real deal”).We both try to reason that it’s better if we don’t, that developing a new friendship is more important, but there’s just too much of a spark there.I realize that I don’t know him that well…and it’s always nice to want to believe someone isn’t just looking for sex.But I’m fairly certain there’s more going on in his head than just trying to get a little.

Okay, after all that, here’s my question.I know that I should just keep things cool, and take it day by day.But how do we continue to hang out together and get to know each other without absolutely screwing up my head (and his)?We talk about it a little bit, but I know it’s hard for him to discuss it because I am an involved party.I want to give him his space to figure it out, but he’s the one that starts in with the sweet comments, or tells me that he’s been thinking about our situation and doesn’t know what to do about it.We’ve joked that it’s a “fun” problem to have, if you have to have a problem.But I’ve got to be realistic and expect that if we hang out together alone, we’ll just wind up snogging again.And probably more. Do I insist on a “hands-off” policy until he is clear in his mind whether or not he wants to stay with his girlfriend?Or do I just go with it, and enjoy myself and damn the consequences?

Thanks Sars,
Wanting More Than A Friend

Dear Wanting,

It depends on what you want out of it.I guess, if you just want a “friend plus,” that it’s not really a problem and you can keep on as you have.

But if you want more, you’ll have to take less, if that makes any sense.Here’s why.First of all, who is this a “problem” for?Not for him, apparently.He’s got a girl in each port.He’s not lonely.He’s not waiting around for you to leave anyone.He’s clearly not bothered enough by what’s going on to stop doing it.He’s all set.It’s you who’s going to get screwed by the situation — not to mention his girlfriend, and that leads me to my next point.

The man is a cheater.Yes, we all make mistakes.Yes, circumstances create difficulties.He’s still stepping out on another woman, and since you haven’t mentioned any arrangement they might have, I’ll have to assume that there isn’t one.Not having intercourse doesn’t mean he’s remaining faithful to his girlfriend, no matter what you tell yourselves.That’s the kind of man you’ve gotten involved with.

Let’s review.If he stays with his girlfriend in the end, you get fucked over emotionally.If he leaves her for you, you get to carry the baggage from that (and it’s worth trotting out the old saw that if he’ll do it for you, he’ll do it to you).And what happens when he moves back to his home state?Three guesses, and the first two don’t count.That’s right.He probably gets back with her, because she’s there and you aren’t.

I don’t want to malign the guy unnecessarily; he probably doesn’t mean any harm.But that’s not good enough.

My advice?Tell him it’s off physically, whether he stays with the girlfriend or not.If that’s not something you can do, at the very least get him to make his choice and stick with it.None of this “if we hang out together alone, we’ll just wind up snogging again” business.You’re an adult.Decide what you want out of this thing and don’t settle for less.

Dear Sars,

May I bend your ear?I have a friend who is young (early twenties), a homosexual, and doesn’t (as far as I know) have much experience being in any kind of serious, romantic relationship with either sex.This friend has chosen mostly straight friends to hang out with, and it’s beginning to lead to problems — namely, crushes that have no hope of ever coming to anything that only increase my friend’s depression, anger, and fear of rejection.

I believe that my friend wants to talk to me about the situation, and I’m afraid that I’m in territory I don’t feel comfortable in.I want to be there for my friend, not add to their fear of rejection by blocking them out/pushing them away, but I don’t feel that I’m in a position to give advice, other than to say that I think my friend is subconsciously sabotaging all relationships because of a fear of intimacy and questions about their sexuality.My friend is already seeking therapy, but I think is looking for a familiar shoulder to lean on at this point.Any thoughts?

Shoulder Being Cried Upon

Dear Shoulder,

You don’t have to give advice.Just listen; that’s what your friend really wants.Encourage him to look into therapy, but make it clear that you’ll lend an ear if he needs you to.

You might have a point about your friend’s tendency to crush on straight folks, and it’s up to you whether you bring that to his attention — but that’s probably an issue he’ll have to come to and deal with on his own.

You don’t have to share his sexual orientation in order to relate to him.Be a friend to him; that’s all he can ask of you, or you of yourself.

[12/5/01]

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