In regards to the letter from Curvy, Old Navy has a line of jeans for Curvy women that go into smaller sizes called, incidentally, Curvy.My family has this problem and what usually happens is someone buys a pair of pants and has it taken in at the waist.A good seamstress can take a pair of pants in tons and not lose the shape through the hips and legs.My mother is able to do the alterations but I’ve seen dry cleaner prices for about $10 or find a friend that can sew.Or even take a basic sewing class at a craft store to learn how to do simple alterations like hemming and save the money.

Levi’s also carries a wide variety of fits but only jeans.

Empathetic Curvy

Dear Emp,

So many people suggested exactly that — get an inexpensive pair of pants, and use the money you’ve saved on alterations.I’d say that answer was half the responses I received.

Other suggestions appear below; the ones I got more than once are starred.(Note: People recommended all sorts of fits in various brands, some of which I think are actually for the young and the assless like myself and not for curvy folk, so try on in person or read the fine print online carefully.)

Abercrombie & Fitch low-rise boot-cut
American Eagle stretch skinny flare*
Ann Taylor “Margo” fit
Ann Taylor Loft’s “Ann” pant*
Ann Taylor Loft’s “Marisa” pant*
Apple Bottom jeans
Banana Republic “Contour” line
Banana Republic “Harrison” pants*
Bluenotes “Faith” jeans
Casual Corner/Petite Sophisticate (but hustle, the company’s going out of business next month)
Cherokee (available at Target)
Christopher Blue
Department store pants (snagging the free alterations)
Dockers “Metro” Pants
Dockers “Nouveau” cords
Eddie Bauer “natural” or “classic” fits
Express “Correspondent” pants*
Express “Editor” pants*
Fashion Bug’s “L.A. Blues” line
Gap Long and Lean
Gap low-rise boot-cut*
Gap “Modern” fit*
J.C. Penney “Marilyn” pants
J. Lo jeans*
Jones New York pants
Land’s End custom chinos*
Lee One True Fit*
Lee Riveted Jeans
Levi’s 517 (discontinued; check eBay [and, weirdly, these look good on hipless wonders too])
Levi’s 550
Levi’s Signature fit
Limited “Drew” pants*
Limited “Cassidy” cut
Low-rise of any kind, a size larger than your waist so they sit on your hips*
LTB
Lucky jeans in “Sweet ‘n’ Low”
Men’s pants, any brand*
Mudd
New York & Company*
Nines (a Seven knockoff)
Old Navy Boy Cut
Old Navy Curvy*
Old Navy Medium Rise
Point Zero
Rockies jeans
Sears’s “Apostrophe” line
Seven’s “Kelly” fit, if you’re feeling spendy
Silver (not Silvertab)
“Skater-style” pants from brands like Quicksilver
S.O.
Stores where the Latinas in your area shop (better backyard coverage, for some reason)
Talbot’s stretch jeans
Target’s “Merona” brand
Target’s “To a T” Mossimo jeans (made to order on their website)*
Tommy Hilfiger in “Euro Flare”*
Victoria’s Secret “Marisa” fit*

Dear Sars,

Am I evil for being increasingly, impossibly irritated with my
boyfriend’s living situation?

Let me qualify “impossibly” by asking: is a significant other’s
lifestyle and living arrangements, which may or may not be beyond their
control, yet which definitely put a, ah, cramp in their “style,” grounds
for a dealbreaker for the relationship?

Or am I just shallow?

My boyfriend of almost two years is still living with his mother. This
in and of itself isn’t so terrible — people do this, or so I am told (I
thankfully live alone). He has quite a few big school loans to pay back,
and is also having a terrible time finding a steady, full-on job (he
graduated undergrad a year and a half ago). This means he doesn’t
exactly have the cashflow necessary to live on his own. So fiscally,
it’s responsible.

But it’s driving me crazy. The man is 28, a college grad, smart,
talented, etc., yet still lives with his mother! At first it didn’t
bother me — to each their own, right? But as time goes on, I get more
and more frustrated with the situation. I have no real reason to be so
frustrated, I guess, other than, frankly, it’s embarassing. And, when
I’m at their house, I’m not super-fond of hanging out with him — and his
MOM. And it just BUGS me. AND it BUGS me that he won’t give in to his
yearlong un- and underemployment situation and just take SOMETHING to
get out on his own. Ya know?

He says he desperately wants to get out and have his own place, life,
etc., but that this can’t happen until he has a job. Sometimes I wonder
if when he DOES have a job, he’ll just want US to live together — and
though in the past this was appealing, which I told him, now, the more
this situation wears on, the less appetizing it sounds. For him to go
from living with Mom to living with me? Always taken care of? Shouldn’t
one be independent, at least for a short while?

To me, actions speak louder than words. If he TRULY wanted independence,
he would have sought it by now. On the other hand, getting a job is
tough going out there for lots of folks, and maybe I’m being super-
shallow and undeniably insensitive.

Is this an issue I have to work past, we have to work past, or is this a
dealbreaker? Is this a sign of things to come, or am I worrying too
much? Or am I just crazy?

Signed,
What Would Sars Do?

Dear Depends On How Good The Sex Is…Oh, Wait, He Lives With His Mom,

Living with one’s parent or parents is not per se a bad or unworkable thing.Shit happens — parents get sick, jobs get lost, divorce, fire and flood, blah, whatever.But past a certain age, I think people who live with their parents have to 1) view it as a last resort, and 2) put together a plan, with a short date, to move out — and stick to that plan.It’s not so much that he’s too old as that it’s going on too long.

Because it’s too easy to get comfortable, with the superior storage space and the grocery shopping getting done “by itself.”It’s too easy to kick back in the safety net and take a nap.And this, I think, is the real issue here — not that he’s living with his mom, but that he’s not sufficiently motivated not to live with his mom.

And you don’t want to become his mom by nagging at him, and in any case I don’t know what job sector he’s looking in or what particular challenges there are in that regard.But you do need to let him know that you’re over it, you like his mom but you’ve maxed out your dosage, and he needs to give you an end date on it — or you’ll come up with one yourself.Maybe it is kind of inflexible of you, but it’s how you feel; you don’t like it that he lives with his mom, and you think it suggests that he’s not willing to light a fire under his own ass and change the situation.And if that’s a deal-breaker for you, well, it’s a deal-breaker.And he needs to know that, that you’re kind of done with skulking out in the morning and you’re worried that he’s not independent-minded.

Dear Sars:

I have been in a relationship with a gentleman for five years, whom is kind-hearted, intelligent, generous and classy.These are among the top qualities that I like my guy to have.What is missing, though, is an enthusiasm/joy for life in him.Turns out that this deficiency ends up interfering with a lot — day-to-day living in that he’s stoic and a homebody without much interest in socializing or doing different things, and even when we go on trips he’s pretty rigid about scheduling activities or just having fun.In short, it’s hard to have fun with him!But for that, I think we’d be fine but turns out it’s a big “but” after all — it’s joie de vivre that I wish he had.

I am no cakewalk myself I’m sure, but this particular email is about what’s bothering me in the relationship…I’m in my mid-thirties and a bit of a commitment-phobe, he’s mid-forties and the same.However, we’ve both warmed up a lot to the idea of commitment (thankfully, at our ages…) but I’m finding the relationship joyless, albeit stable.I do need and want stability, but am concerned about his lack of passion for life, and how that brings me down a bit too.I find that I enjoy (more accurately, I look forward to) “harmless” flirtations at bars, restaurants et cetera with men when I hang solo or with the gals, because these interactions give me energy and pump me back up.But often these energizing flirtations are with guys that would not provide the stable home base that my beau does.At the end of the day, though, I realize that missing passion is missing a lot too…

Thoughts?

Needing To Make Some Decisions Already

Dear Need,

I can’t tell you which is “better,” stability or flair.You have to decide that for yourself.Five years in, you have to know that he’s not going to change, and if your description of him is accurate, he’s a nice guy, but…boring.

A relationship is not excitement every minute; after a few years pass, you do get into a groove (which can become a rut) and it’s not surprising and flirty anymore, at least not as much as it was in the beginning.So, maybe it’s that that’s going on and you just need to accept that part of a long-term relationship is trading the heady newness for reliability and familiarity.

But if the passion is missing from him, not just from the relationship, and it’s not ideal, then why settle?Let him go.Move on.Find someone who’s more compatible with you in his worldview.

Again, I really can’t say which element is at issue here, or what you should do about it; it’s for you to look at the situation and prioritize it for yourself.But the bottom line is, if it’s the relationship that’s gotten a bit dull, that you can fix.If he’s just kind of a dull person?Not fixable, and you should find someone you fit better with.

Dear Sars,

I am 25, a cheerful impoverished graduate student doing work I love, hoping
to do more of it in the future.I am at a bit of a crossroads in my
romantic life, and I would love to get an outsider’s perspective on my
situation.

I’ve always had trouble with sex (however you want to term it — anxiety,
aversion, you need to get over your childhood trauma, et cetera) and have not
been in a sexual relationship.I’ve been lucky to have friends who could
meet me where I was and provide real companionship and partnership through
many of my growing-up years, but my formative relationships have been
platonic, not romantic.

I am about ready to think about dating beyond the first date.This is still
pretty scary for me.I’ve had a little bit of counseling — I’ll probably have
more. (Thank God for university health services.)In the meantime, here is
my question.

A friend of mine is moving to my state.I’ve had feelings for him for many
years, although we haven’t been close.He knows a lot about me, though, and
I know a lot about him.We’ve always connected deeply and opened up with
each other when we do spend time together.He is one of the few people with
whom I’ve considered myself to be in love.

He’s moving to my state, but I live in a really, really big state, so when I say he’s going to be living on the other side
of the state I’m talking about a potential relationship that is very
long-distance.

Setting aside any question of whether he wants me the way I want him, since
that is something I would obviously have to pose to him: Do you think a
long-distance relationship is worth pursuing as a first relationship? Should
I be focusing right now on dating a variety of people, or even just one
person, close to home, and gaining some confidence in myself as a sexually
attractive girl? I don’t have that confidence; it’s always been very
important to me to think of myself as invisible or boring to other people
since that’s what has made me feel safe.

This guy is great — I mean, he’s really great.If I were a superstitious
person I would say that we’ve crossed paths plenty of times in the past, we
will probably continue to cross paths in the future, and if something is
meant to be between us it will happen when the time is right.I don’t
believe that, though.I’m more in the “Life is chaos: who knows?” camp. This
makes me want to pursue something with him now. Do I just want to go after
him because I know I can’t have him, and when things don’t work out I will
confirm for myself that I can’t be in a romantic relationship and shouldn’t
try? Or am I only going to be motivated to take the plunge into a
relationship when I really fall for someone, and I’ve fallen for him, and I
should honor that?

I was so sure I was going to be able to make this short. Ha.

Yours,
Star-crossed in TX

Dear Star,

Well, I’m of two minds about this.The first mind says that, between your relative inexperience and the long-distance factor, the degree of difficulty here is just too high already from the get-go.You don’t even know if he returns your feelings yet, and if he does, I’m not entirely sure you’re prepared to deal with them.Not that you won’t get there, but right now, this sounds like a bad idea on its face.

But the other mind remembers my first real relationship — not the first guy I dated, or slept with, but the first one I really cared about, the first one I was in love with.Lord, what an opera that turned into.We were going to different schools a thousand miles apart, my previous boyfriend had cheated on me and I was still all rubbed raw from that, and all the fraught drunk-dials and misunderstood silences and tear-stained letters just became a perfect storm of anxiety and then I got mono…opera.No subtitles.

But…this is how it goes sometimes, drama in the rain, and if you wait until conditions are ideal, you’ll be waiting forever.There’s always something, some baggage, some timing issue, some reason you can talk yourself out of hoping that this one is your wingman.There’s always a potential to get hurt.But I for one can’t live like that, on the defensive all the time.You don’t have to let people hurt you, but you do kind of have to let them live up to your expectations.

You sound very aware of the issues; it’s not like you signed your letter “Starry-eyed,” so…I would just see what happens, if I were you.If he’s not into you like that, well, problem solved (sort of…you know what I mean), and if he is, never did the course of true love run smooth, yadda yadda.Just remain aware of the challenges for you, emotionally, and trust your instincts.

You know boots. As a geeky straight man…I do not.

I also have huge calves, insanely wide flat feet, and
have basically never had an actual choice in footwear.
(“And now I think I’ll buy…something that looks
like a sneaker and comes in quadruple-E!”)

Should I keep on living my life as I have, or should I
look for a pair of boots that I like that will also
fit? And do you have any suggestions?

I ask because, for the second time, whilst drunk I
went shoe shopping and I think my brain is trying to
make a conversational point.

Man in comfortable shoes

Dear Comfortable,

My go-to source on large footwear, Mr. S, does not own any boots and is therefore of no help — but he just doesn’t own boots, it’s not because he can’t find any in his size.

You can have boots custom-made, which is expensive; you can do some creative Googling and try to find big-and-tall online shops, or merchants that carry larger sizes; you can set aside a day to shoe-shop and try a bunch of shit on; or you can see what the readers say.

Readers: Hit it.”Formal” boots, not galoshes or Timberlands.

[12/6/05]

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