Dear Sars,

Great websites, both. Here’s a Vine question, or
rather issue, since I’m leaving out most of the
back-story on this one. How do you stop obsessing
about a guy you barely know, rarely see, can’t ask out
yourself (long story there, but, ultimately not
relevant to question), and have little chance of
actually dating?

In this particular case, being busier doesn’t seem
like the answer, plenty busy already. Putting space
between us isn’t it either, got lots of that too.

I’ve had real relationships before so I know,
objectively, that this is basically the kind of crush
a seventh grader has on a famous person, where you
more or less fill in the personality, based on what
you know from Tiger Beat interviews and your own
personal ideal guy, like when you put up a picture of
Jordan Knight up in your locker.

And I know obsessive crushes aren’t healthy — or
foundations for good relationships if you do manage to
date the person, yet I haven’t been able to shake this
one. I’ve been thinking about this particular guy an
embarrassing amount for an embarrassingly long length
of time, letting it run its course isn’t really
working for me. I think the fantasizing has become
more of a habit than anything else. But it’s been
disrupting the rest of my romantic life, which is
usually fine, for much much much too long now.

So if thinking about this guy is a bad habit, like
biting your nails, what is the equivalent in this case
of putting bad tasting stuff all over your fingers so
you stop putting them in your mouth already?

Thanks!

Don’t Know Whether I’m More Embarrassed About the
Crush or the New Kids on the Block Reference

Dear Definitely New Kids,

You need to look at what this crush is giving you that you don’t get elsewhere — hope?A sense of emotional safety?In other words, yes, it’s probably a habit — why has it become one is the question you need to answer before you think about ways to break it.

It sounds to me like you’re investing in something that can never pay off, in order to protect yourself from pain; hoping for something that’s hopeless cushions you from something.It’s totally normal, but in order to stop doing it, you have to figure out what these somethings are and acknowledge that you’re using them for some reason.

Dear Sars,

I feel like an idiot writing this letter, but I thought that an objective person might give some clarity to my situation.My friends and family don’t really “get” my problem.Maybe you will.

I am 28 years old.My husband and I have been married for a little over three years.We are both well-educated, intelligent people, and we work in one of the geekiest professions known to man.We began our relationship as roommates.I was going through a messy break-up, we worked together, we were friends, and he offered me a place to stay until I could get on my feet.During the course of our co-habitation, loneliness took over and we began having a romantic relationship. A few months later, I became pregnant.We decided to keep the baby and continue to live together.He proposed in my ninth month of pregnancy, I accepted, and we waited to marry until our son was nearly a year old.Our son is absolutely perfect, but the marriage isn’t.Herein lays the problem…

I really thought that we were in love.Or that the love we had for our son would be enough.I’m afraid that I was terribly, terribly wrong.I am growing more depressed by the day and I feel like no one understands because there is nothing overtly wrong with my husband.He doesn’t cheat.He doesn’t do drugs.He doesn’t abuse me in anyway.He just doesn’t love me.AT ALL.He doesn’t have conversations with me.He doesn’t spend time with me.He doesn’t show any affection towards me.I really don’t think that he’s a bad person.I just think that he is too nice to admit that we may have made a mistake.I’m not too nice to admit it, but I’m scared of screwing up my kid by getting a divorce.

So, the questions: Is it wrong to expect your spouse to love you?To find you attractive?To lust for you?If he doesn’t, is that reason enough to leave?Should you “stick it out” for the kids?Or should you try to find your own bit of happiness in this world?Is there such a thing as true love?

My friends and family like to believe that we are going through a “rough patch.”This rough patch has lasted for years with no end in sight.Please, Sars, give me some advice.

Signed,
Unlovable

Dear Unlovable,

In order: No, no, no; yes; no; yes; yes.

Your kid will get just as screwed up by the example set by an arid, loveless marriage as he will by a divorce.No, a divorce is not ideal, but children know things even if they can’t name them, and if Mom is depressed and Mom and Dad communicate in grunts, it will get to a kid after a while.

Tell your husband you think the two of you made a big mistake.Tell him you’ll go to marriage counseling, for the sake of your child, if he’s willing, but if he isn’t, you’re leaving, because he doesn’t love you and it’s depressing.

Your friends and family don’t get a vote here; if you know your husband doesn’t love you and won’t start loving you, go now before you waste any more time with the guy.If you speak honestly to your son about what’s going on, and if you both love him and tell him so, he’ll be fine.But the situation isn’t going to change, so you’ll have to change your role in it.

Hey, sometimes I need a kick in the pants, and if I’m due for one, you are
the person to go to.On the other hand, I may be justified in my problem.
Let’s see…

I have a best friend, let’s call him N.N and I are very close and have
been involved in the past.We still fool around on occasion, but are not
dating in any way.We have agreed to let each other know when the time
arises that we become interested in another person, so that we can stop the
fooling around in order to keep our heads straight.Now, I admit, my
feelings for him are much stronger than his for me, and I would love to have
him as a boyfriend again, but apparently that is not in the cards and (I
think) I have accepted that.

Problem is, he recently brought to my attention that he is interested in a
girl (I’ll call her X) that he has classes with at the University.Cool.
I’ve met her, she’s really nice, and I like her.She does, however, happen
to be engaged.Word on the street is that she’s not entirely happy with the
hubby-to-be and the relationship, but she is wearing the ring.N and X
recently went on a pub crawl together and in the eight pictures of N, X is
hanging off of him in seven of them.

Now, I know that I am going to be jealous no matter who he is interested in,
but I am a smart, sane person who knows that this is irrational and can keep
my emotions in check.This situation, however really gets under my skin.I
do not believe he intends on pursuing her actively, but I do know that he is
a dumb boy who doesn’t realize when he is flirting with people.He knows
that I feel as though he should just forget about her at least until the
ring is off her finger.I feel as though if a person is in a committed
relationship, you should not entertain thoughts of dating them.Nor should
you get involved in any way to compromise that relationship.If she ends
the relationship on her own, fine, by all means pursue the girl.

Am I being
irrational in thinking that he’s an idiot here?May I mention that he
doesn’t see himself being with a person for longer than a couple of months?
I don’t plan on saying anything else to him on the subject, he knows my
feelings and if he wants to chance it, then he can, I will support him in
his decision, but I want to know if I’m being psycho about feeling as though
he’s being an idiot about entertaining the thought of pursuing her.

Signed,
My Life Has Become An Episode of Dawson’s Creek

Dear Dawson,

You’re not psycho; it just really isn’t your business — or shouldn’t be.I can’t help but notice that you don’t put any of the onus for X’s fidelity on her, which, if she wants to step out on her fiancé, well, it’s her fuck-up and her responsibility.No, you’re only concerned that it makes N a dog, because you don’t want him to be That Guy, because you like him and you want more from him.

You’re overinvolved here.N isn’t going to date you, as he’s made clear, and I think you get that on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level you haven’t really quite given it up yet — and it’s time.Stop hooking up with him, definitely, and think about taking a break from him for a while until he really is just a friend and not someone whose romantic life you’re invested in.

Dear Sars,

I am seventeen and never even been kissed.I know it sounds like that god-awful Drew Barrymore movie, but it is the truth. (And I wouldn’t particularly mind if I could be promised my own individual Vaughn at the end of the rainbow, but I realize that life doesn’t work like that.) Let me just add that it sucks, big-time.

Two summers ago my best friend Anna worked with a girl named Jayne, who was a year older than us, and went to a different high school.Our groups became friends, and we used to hang out all the time, but by the end of that summer I was seeing less and less of Jayne and Anna.We all grew apart, made new friends, blah blah blah high-school-drama-cakes, I hadn’t seen Jayne in a year and a half.

Two Saturdays ago I went to a social function (okay, it was the local fair, I realize it’s dorky and give you full permission to mock us) and met up with Anna, Jayne, and Jayne’s new boyfriend Matt, as well as some other friends.It was a group of mostly new people for me, and I was glad that Matt would at least talk to me, because the rest of Jayne’s friends did not.He seemed like a really great guy, the kind I would get a hopeless crush on if he was not with Jayne.We all went out to eat afterwards, and he sat next to me and we joked around and flirted a little, but it was really innocent (the whole group is really flirty and open, so it wasn’t out of line). He hugged me goodnight and I figured that was the last I would ever see of him.

Last weekend, we went bowling (just keep the mockery coming). Jayne and Matt were there, as well as Anna, a friend I used to have a crush on (Rob), and a large group of people.We all spent the night having a really great time, talking, flirting, and bowling.I realized I was developing a pointless crush on Matt, and felt awful about it.I tried to avoid talking to him, but it was pretty inevitable.Regardless I had a great time.The end of the night came with another hug, and a ride home to think about things I knew I shouldn’t be thinking about.

Sunday night I checked to see what people had left on my away message.There was a message from Jayne’s screen name saying that it was Matt, and to call him that evening.I tried twice (okay, four times) but got no answer.I probably shouldn’t have called, but I was curious as to what he needed to say to me that he couldn’t have typed that afternoon.

Tuesday night, as I was preparing to leave for a mandatory school function, I got a call from him. He got my number from Anna. He was calling to tell me that he broke up with Jayne. He ended the call by telling me that he will be coming into my town this weekend, because he doesn’t want his break-up with Jayne to end his friendships with us.

Anna and I talk about it, and she talks to Jayne (tactfully, thank god).Jayne says they’re very much still in love, and still together. They’re just taking some time so they can focus on their individual lives.Last night he called again.The first thing I asked was if he and Jayne were really broken up.He said yes, and she was still in denial.She kept calling, but he avoided her calls. I took it at that, and we talked for a half hour about everything. He even told me something that he said he hadn’t even told Jayne.I still felt guilty, though.

Anna and other close friends say go for it. Rob says he thinks Matt is sketch, and should be avoided.Rob’s girlfriend is a firm believer in the unwritten rule that you cannot date a friend’s ex, and has warned me off repeatedly.So do I run screaming, or see what happens? I really like him, and I’m not looking for a husband, or even a boy to write to next year at college, just some fun my senior year. Maybe if I were one of those girls who can get a guy whenever they needed one (and not in the slutty sense) it wouldn’t matter.But I’m not, I can’t, and it does (unfortunately).I guess the point of this rather long story is to ask for your advice. I hope you can provide the outside perspective I so desperately need.

Thanks a bunch,
Still waiting for Michael Vartan

Dear Still,

You have two different things going on here: your desire to get that first hook-up out of the way, and your desire to avoid a bunch of high drama in the process.Unfortunately, I don’t think you can have both, so you’ll have to decide which is more important to you and proceed from there.

I have to agree with Rob; Matt sounds like kind of a dodgeball, and I’ve smooched many a dodgeball in my time just for fun, but it also sounds like it means more to you than “just some fun your senior year.”If you genuinely don’t care about the fallout, go for it, but there will probably be fallout, it will probably land entirely on you and not on Matt…again, make sure you’re honest with yourself about what you want from this, and prepared for the possibility that it won’t end well.

On the plus side, once you get that first kiss behind you, situations like this won’t seem quite so fraught.

I need an outside perspective, Sars, I feel like all logic has failed me.

I’ve been with A. for a couple of years.The relationship was the most honest and fulfilling I’ve ever had.We had great communication, loved to do so many things together while still valuing our independence…and the sex was incredible, too.We were committed to each other, and probably would have gotten married, except…

I cannot have children. Short version: even if I could beat the odds and conceive, there is almost no likelihood I could carry a baby to term.Having children is a very important part of the future A. wants for himself — his OWN children.I was honest with him from the beginning, and he was straight with me — so I sort of always knew it would have to end eventually.I’ve been mentally preparing myself for that for a long time.He knew it, I knew it, and we promised not to lose the very real friendship that we share.

Two weeks ago that day came.I had always imagined that he’d tell me he was ready to move on, ready to find someone who could give him what he needed.But what he told me was that he’d already MET someone.I was completely blindsided by this.I don’t know if I’m nuts to think it makes any difference, but it makes me feel like he was just keeping me around so he wouldn’t have to be alone, all the while scoping out my replacement.How does someone just all of a sudden shift those feelings to someone else?

I cried for three days.Not only did he stop our romantic/sexual relationship, he will no longer call or see me.He will talk to me if I call him, and doesn’t see why I’m so upset.He swears it’s not that he didn’t WANT me, it’s just that I couldn’t give him what he needed.I understand and respect that — but I still feel rejected, a little bit like a chump, and I have definitely lost my best friend.

Questions are: A) Am I crazy to feel like there’s a big difference between leaving me and leaving me FOR SOMEONE ELSE?B) Now that I’ve logically decided I need to accept this and move on, how do I stop feeling this horrible rejection, how do I stop feeling amputated?

Not As Sophisticated As I Thought I Was

Dear Thought,

No, you aren’t.And I don’t know.

Look, A. is a shit.He’s a wimpy little shit.Okay, you “couldn’t give him what he needed” — but that isn’t an excuse to string you along until he finds someone better, or to act so insensitively, and if that’s what constitutes a best friend, believe me, you’re well shut of that.

Just about the only decent thing he’s done is cut you off; he probably did it because…wimp, but at least he’s out of your face and you can start healing, and it’s a long process, especially when someone acts like a fucknut and you don’t really understand how it got to that point.But you just have to get through every day and wait for some perspective; you just have to keep reminding yourself that worthwhile grown-ups don’t treat each other the way A. treated you.

“But if even a douche like A. can’t treat me well or appreciate me, what hope is there?”I hear that, but…he’s a douche.His opinion isn’t relevant; the way he chooses to treat you isn’t relevant.It’s not a reflection on you; it’s a reflection on him, and I know it’s hard to get your head around that so shortly after being rejected by a reject, but you’ll get there.

Wallow.Cry.Loathe him.That’s important.Don’t spend your wallow time finding ways to make this your fault because you’re not perfect — that’s no good.He’s a selfish horse’s ass who couldn’t have cared less about your feelings.Hate him for that.He deserves it.You don’t.

[12/7/04]

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