Okay, while I’m not sure exactly what a “formal” boot would be, I will have to profess love for Famous Footwear.Trying to find anything in a men’s size 14 is a nightmare, because shoe manufacturers tend to assume that if you wear a size 14, you have no need for shoes other than basketball high tops and maybe a pair of black loafers if you dress up a lot.Anyhow, Famous has the ability to search other stores and ship the pair to your house for free if there’s a pair of the shoes you want in your size within 100 miles.

Love TN!

Sincerely,
Thank God I’m Not a Transvestite, Because, Dear God, Do They Even MAKE Stilettos in a Women’s Size 17?

Dear I Never Thought A Nine Would Sound Positively Girlish,

Thanks for the suggestion!

Other readers had the following ideas; the ones I got more than once are starred.

Ariat
Clarks
Dansko
Doc Martens
Fluevogs
Frye, custom-made
Harley-Davidson
The Hitchcock catalog (www.wideshoes.com/catalog.cfm?page=boots)*
Nordstrom
Redwingshoe.com*
Reyers.com
Stompers boots (www.stompers.com)*
A Western store
Zappos.com — search by width*

Hey Sars,

Two part email. First part usage question, second part mostly rant.

McDonalds has a new advertising campaign. Everywhere I go, I keep seeing
these billboards that say, “My kinda shopping spree.” Everytime I see it, I
want to scream, then fire whoever designed this campaign. Because as far as
I know, and I may be wrong about this, you cannot substitute “kinda” for
“kind of” in this context. I hate the word “kinda” in all uses, but I think
it is somewhat acceptable in extremely casual circumstances to use it to
mean “to some degree or extent” — “Seeing that McDonalds billboard made me
kinda hungry.” What are your thoughts?

Also, to what is this stupid billboard referring? A shopping spree AT
McDonalds? Surely not. Surely they know better than to tell Americans to go
on a shopping spree at a fast food establishment. I can see it now… “Oh I
have a great idea! Let’s encourage customers to over-indulge in our Fatty
McFats. It’s not like they can sue us for it anymore.”

So shut up McDonalds. I hate you and your stupid billboard.

Forget Road Rage, I Have Billboard Rage!

Dear Rage,

Well…McDonald’s has an apostrophe in the name.And “fast-food” and “two-part” should be hyphenated, while “overindulge” shouldn’t.So my thoughts are that perhaps a perspective check is in order.I mean, I hear you on the “kinda” thing, which I agree is used incorrectly there, but the idea of an advertising campaign is to get your attention, which…this one has.Granted, probably not for the reasons intended, but…you see what I mean.

It’s a McDonald’s billboard.Let it go.

Hi Sars,

I haven’t come across this on The Vine before, and I’m looking for
insight, so here goes.I’m a voracious reader, have a good vocabulary,
and am considered well-spoken and fairly interesting by those who know
me.I’m in a creative field.Here’s the strange thing — the entries I
write in my journal read like a technical manual.I don’t write
regularly, partly because I bore myself to tears while I’m writing; I
just can’t seem to hit on a prose style to get me into the entries.
The journal is just for me, so that one day I can look back on the
thoughts and experiences I’m having now in 2005, but I would like it to
reflect some of the nuance and texture of those experiences.

Now that I’ve put this into email form, I’m afraid it seems like what
I’m actually asking is how to be a good writer.I don’t aspire to
that, but I do really admire your talent and skill for the
conversational tone.Is it just a “practice makes perfect” thing? Am I
being stifled by my internal editor? I’m trying to balance my desire to
write a couple of commemorative lines in my journal with the probable
loathing of those lines after they’re written.

Thanks, Sars,
Dear Diary

Dear Dear,

Changing the style in which you keep the journal, at least for a little while, might help you loosen up in terms of self-editing.I feel you on that — I will rewrite words that are messy in my own journals, because I am extremely anal, even though it totally doesn’t matter.But I use my journals mostly to blow off steam, not to leave a fossil record for myself, so I kind of don’t care if I’m nailing descriptions.

So, try journalling in a more free-form style for a while, by which I mean jotting down notes and lists and phrases, or pasting tickets or quotations or whatever into the pages.Make it more collage-y; get the facts in there, and then go back and see what you have to add.I think that right now you’re feeling obligated to cough up these perfectly-formed Year in Provence-y paragraphs, which isn’t really necessary in terms of giving a piece of writing flavor.

So, try it more impressionistically for a while and see if it doesn’t free you up.

Greetings.

I’m writing in, hoping you’ll confirm my desire to give my ex-boyfriend a
swift kick in the pants, though if I end up deserving the kicking, I’ll take
that too, I guess.

The story goes like this.I’d been dating this guy I’ll call C for about
two years.He was one of those quiet, sweet, geeky types, and I thought he
was just the best thing ever.He had a few flaws, but he practically
worshipped the ground I walked on, and that’s a great kind of feeling for a
girl to get, you know?

One of his flaws was that he was very, very non-confrontational, and
uncomfortable with anger.I, on the other hand, have a bit of a temper.
And when I’m having a bad day and am feeling grouchy, I’d sometimes snap at
him for nothing.People do this, right?I always thought so, at least.
Now, being non-confrontational, C would never say anything to me when I did
this.But frequently a week or so later we’d be talking, and something
would come up in conversation, and he’d mention that he was uncomfortable
with how I’d yelled the other day, or with what I’d said last month, or
whatever.I always profusely apologized, but I just couldn’t keep from
doing it.I’m like a cat.You have to rub my nose in it and spray me with
the water bottle at the time I did something, or I’m never going to get out
of the habit.

Anyhow, eventually this and a few other things started getting in the way,
and we decided we should break up.It was an amicable break-up (or so I
thought.)We both agreed we weren’t right for each other, but that we could
still be friends.

So after that I didn’t see him very often, but we’d still talk now and then,
and it seemed like this was working pretty well, until just the other night.
I was having a grouchy day again, some things hadn’t been going right and
I was tired, and annoyed, and I snapped at C.And he just…exploded.
There were a lot of harsh words said on both sides, but the harshest, I
think, was him saying that I was abusive, because I said angry and hurtful
things to him when he hadn’t done anything to deserve them.I said
something along the lines of “That’s life, people do that, so just get over
it!” and stormed off.

Well,the next day he contacted me via IM and said that he’d been thinking
a lot, and had cooled down, and wasn’t saying this just to hurt me, but the
he really did think that I was abusive, that I was deliberately saying angry
things to him, and that he wasn’t going to be a doormat and take this
anymore.He also said that he’d been feeling this way for about a year, and
had decided it was time to say something.

I was just floored.Stunned.I had no idea how to take this.I said
something along the lines of “Well, if I’m abusive, you’d better not be
around me anymore, so I’m leaving,” and signed off. And, feeling a little
bit abused myself, I blocked him from all my IMs and removed him from my
online journal’s friends list.

Now that I’ve had some time to think about this, I’m still stunned.I have
the urge to look him up, beat him over the head with a two-by-four, and say,
“No, this is what abuse really is!”And also to yell things along the lines
of”A year?Why didn’t you tell me a year ago then, you freaking moron?!”
We were still together a year ago, and he thought I was abusive and didn’t
say anything?Argh! I’m not actually going to beat him up, of course, but
this is just eating at me.Is he right?Am I a horrible abusive person
because my temper sometimes gets away with me?I don’t think so, really,
but now I’m all uncertain about it.

So I turn this over to you, Sars.Am I abusive?I always thought it was
normal to sometimes have a bad day and yell at innocent people who happen to
be in your path, but C thinks it’s normal to try and never, ever lose your
temper over anything. I thought he was deluded, but I’m starting to wonder
if maybe it’s me.

Sincerely,
Confused and apparently abusive

Dear Apparently,

Without having witnessed any of these incidents in person, I can’t really say whether you’re abusive, but I would point out that a hallmark of abuse is that its victims don’t feel comfortable speaking up against it — and that you are not in fact “like a cat.”You’re an adult.You need to take responsibility for your temper; it’s your temper, not a weather system, and when you lose said temper and snarl at people and it makes them uncomfortable or hurts their feelings, it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re “non-confrontational.”It means that you behaved nastily and you need to own it.

I understand that people who do not react to emotional situations in an outwardly emotional way can be frustrating, but it doesn’t mean that that way is wrong and your way is right.It’s a difference in emotional style, and I have to tell you, your “people yell at each other, get over it” attitude is…not going to work for you long-term, probably.I mean, you’re not wrong; people do yell at each other sometimes.Nobody’s perfectly polite and controlled every second, and I don’t have the longest fuse you’ve ever seen either.But it doesn’t seem like you’ve even considered the possibility that your customary behavior makes it impossible to talk to you about the issue without a guaranteed angry, defensive reaction.Because there’s a reason your ex never brought this up, and yeah, maybe it’s partly that he’s not good with confronting issues.But maybe it’s also that, historically, you have given him no reason not to think that you would fly off the handle, go all defensive angerball, and say something painful to him.Again.And what do you know, that’s exactly what happened.

“Abusive” is maybe a little strong, but understand: it is your job to control your anger, and it is your job to apologize to people and try to do better at times when you can’t control it.This is not anyone else’s fault.Your actions have consequences.So, you can feel sorry for yourself because your ex had the gall to call you on your shit, or you can take a look at the situation, see that it proved his point, and think about maybe making some changes.

You’re not a bad person, but this aspect could use some work.

Hi Sars,

I have two sons, 19 and 16 years old. At the beginning of the year we had an ancient Celica that the kids would use, mainly the 16-year-old since the older son is in college and out of town most of the time.

The 16-year-old, in misty weather, rear-ended someone, and pretty much totalled the Celica. We decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and got a used Volvo.

Over the summer the 19-year-old was at home, but the 16-year-old was a counselor at a kids’ camp out of town. We continuously asked the 19-year-old to put the car down the driveway and not leave it on the street overnight. One night that didn’t happen, and a drunk ran into the back of it and totalled that car.

We were so annoyed that we did nothing about the car situation until he went back to college. At that point, we got a small unsporty Mazda. The 16-year-old backed it into a tree. Insurance paid for that, but…

He curbed it going 40, so we have paid to have that fixed, but have told him that he cannot drive it until his senior year (next August).

Should we allow the 19-year-old to drive it when he is home from college? Other than the Volvo-drunk-smashing incident, he has never had a ticket or an accident.

Are we being too harsh, or not harsh enough with the 16-year-old?

They are good boys other than this one issue. Generally good grades and fun to be with.

Thanks,
A mother

Dear Mom,

They didn’t “mean to” do any of this stuff, obviously, but…that’s kind of the problem, isn’t it?That you pay for the repairs and provide a new beater for one of them to be careless of?

Nothing like this happened to me when I was that age, but if it had, my dad would have presented me with a bill for the repairs, and probably would have expected me to make up the difference in his insurance premium if it went up as a result.So, maybe this is a strategy you could consider — the boys can drive the cars, but they are responsible for gas, they are responsible for any increased premiums, and they are responsible for anything that happens to the car while they are in it.Tickets, fender-benders, flat tires, needs an oil change — if they’re driving, it’s their problem.

Because you don’t want to punish them, and I think it’s probably a pain in your ass to have to drive the 16-year-old places; you want to teach them to be a little more responsible and careful, and if one of them has to get another job to pay to have the hood hammered out?He’s going to learn that shit quick, and he’s going to park it where he’s supposed to, because the bite’s coming out of his ass.

[12/7/05]

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