I second the shoe-repair suggestion…I have had other leather items
repaired by cobblers.Stitchwork is stitchwork, in many cases.

For the lining she might contact a tailor…I bet a tailor could make
the fix, or have good suggestions for completely replacing the lining.

She might also be able to contact the company that made Her. Favorite.
Jacket.After a Chewing Incident involving one of my pets, Patagonia
was very nice about sending me free replacement cuffs, which I then had
a tailor install for me.Might depend on the company, though.

K

Dear K,

Thanks for the suggestions!Other ideas appear below, with multiples asterisked.

Look for ’80s leather jackets in a less extreme running-back style
Have a seamstress or tailor recreate the jacket from the original’s measurements*

Dear Sars,

I have a boy problem, and I’m in need of an outside opinion.

First, some background:I work in a research lab, with an interesting
mix of physicians and non-physicians (I’m of the aspiring-physician
variety), and since many of the docs are residents or in fellowships,
we’re pretty close in age.I struck up a friendship with one of them —
I’ll call him Bob — about two years ago.He’s been really supportive
and helpful with my med-school application stuff, as well as being fun
to hang out with.When we first started spending time together (he’d
come to parties at my house, we’d chat at work) there was some mild
and mutual flirting going on, but when I found out that he had a
fiancée, I immediately decided that I had been misreading his signals,
stopped flirting, and figured we were fine as platonic pals.

Fast forward to about five months ago, when I gave him a ride to a
mutual friend’s party.His fiancée was out of town for the weekend.
We had a good time at the party, but definitely weren’t even close to
drunk when I dropped him off outside his apartment.Long story short,
he kissed me, I kissed him back, and we had sex.Freaking amazing
sex, with a kind of chemistry I’d never experienced before.

Cut to about a month of weirdness where we didn’t really talk at all,
and where he avoids me at work.I figured this was pretty
understandable, given the circumstances, which means I was sad and
pissed off but not surprised.We gradually start talking again, and
as my applications are coming due, he helped me a lot (via email) with
my personal statement.I came home late one night, saw his latest
draft, sent him a quick email back (thanks, I’ll look at it tomorrow),
and went to bed.He calls me about ten minutes later, saying he needs
to talk to me and can meet me at my house in five minutes.

I shouldn’t have said yes, but I did, and we sat in his car for about
three hours, talking.The salient point was that right after Bob and
I got together, he broke things off with the fiancée…and then found
out that she was pregnant.Oh, and the other salient point is that I
apparently decided that this wasn’t soap-operatic enough, so I slept
with him again.This was clearly an enormous mistake, and when we
spoke on the phone a few days later, we decided that it needed to not
happen ever again, and that we probably shouldn’t see each other at
all.He’s no longer working at my lab, so this wasn’t difficult to
arrange.

Several days later, I go out on a date with another boy — I’ll call him
Nick.Nick is sweet and sexy and smart and funny and also unattached,
which is a nice bonus.Not to put too fine a point on it, Nick and I
started dating exclusively, and I haven’t spoken with Bob since.
Things with Nick are amazing — we have great chemistry, love the same
books, have the same dorky sense of humor.

But…I got an email from Bob a few days ago asking how I was doing,
and whether we could get together for coffee some afternoon.He’d
like to see if we can handle having a platonic friendship, since we
both really enjoyed each other’s company, back before things got so
crazy.

I’m torn about this, because I did like Bob a lot, and still do.But
I think I’m in love with Nick, or at least in serious hormone-fuelled
like, and I don’t want to do anything to screw that up.So my
questions are: is two months long enough for the sexual part of a
relationship to be water under the bridge?And if I do meet up with
Bob, how much am I obligated to tell Nick?

Help!

General Hospital Has Nothing On Me

Dear Ms. Quartermaine,

And my answers are: sometimes; and it depends.

Yes, two months can put paid to sexual attraction…but it doesn’t always, and given your failure to resist Bob in the past, I wouldn’t roll the dice on it, honestly.I mean, everyone has lapses in judgment from time to time, and Bob’s committed relationship is really Bob’s lookout, not yours — but sleeping with him caused an emotional kerfuffle that you’re better off avoiding in the future, and taking care not to put yourself in situations where you might repeat that behavior is probably the prudent thing.Drama prophylaxis, in other words.

It isn’t really about whether you like Bob; it’s about whether you’re confident that you can keep it platonic, and if you have to send me a letter asking what the statute is here?You aren’t confident.

If you do decide to meet up with him, what you tell Nick depends on what you think is appropriate to the situation, and on whether you plan to spend much time with Bob down the road (which, at this point, I would probably advise against).If Bob were a more established friend, I would suggest telling Nick the truth — don’t get into details, but say that you had a fling with him and it’s over now.But if Bob isn’t going to be an ongoing factor in your social life, it’s maybe better to be kind instead of totally truthful.Think about who it benefits, really, for Nick to know what went on with Bob….Nobody, really.Not that Nick is insecure, or thinks that it isn’t in the past, but…it kind of isn’t, first of all, even though Nick doesn’t know that, and second, it’s often better to spare current boyfriends some of the gory details, just out of politeness.Think about how much you would want to know if you were Nick, and proceed accordingly.

But again, if it’s this much of a minefield to navigate, you should probably just put Bob off.I don’t know why he needs to play with fire in this way himself, but it doesn’t exactly speak well of him, if you see what I’m saying.

Hi Sars,

Love your site. I am just curious what your take is on polygamy vs. married couples who cheat. Which is worse? Is it the same difference? An episode of CBC’s Fifth Estate prompted me to ask this question and I think you could answer this cogently than most people.

Signed,
I think both should be outlawed!

Dear Josey Wales,

I don’t know if I would characterize one of them as “worse” than the other…I mean, societally, I think polygamy is worse, because I think that, generally, it tends to put women in a position — economically, socially, emotionally — that’s really tenuous.But polygamy is not something I have any contact with or that will play any role in my life, so on a personal/emotional basis, for me, cheating is worse…and it’s also worse because of the aspects of disrespect and dishonesty.I think most multiple wives know what’s going on, at least; I don’t know whether you can characterize choosing to marry into a polygamous family an “informed” decision, because I think a lot of these women are acculturated to think polygamy is the norm, and don’t question it the way I might, but they are at least aware of the circumstances.

And now, the disclaimers, to wit: 1) I don’t even watch Big Love, so I am hardly an expert on polygamy; 2) I’m talking primarily about fundamentalist polygamy here.Polyamory is not my bag, but some people do make it work for them, and if everyone is comfortable, informed, and getting their needs met, I think it’s fine — these are big “if”s, but as long as nobody’s getting hurt, different strokes, et cetera.And 3), as I’ve said many times, there is a wide range of what you could call “cheating behaviors,” there is an equally wide range of appropriate responses to cheating in a relationship, and we’re none of us angels.People do wrong and fuck up, and your policy on and attitude towards infidelity has to be your own.Everyone puts the line in different places, which is fine.Mine is more or less at “zero tolerance,” but if a friend of mine cheats on a significant other, well, it’s his life, and I’m not going to buy him a congratulatory beer for it, but I’m not going to stop talking to him, either.

But at the heart of your question?I think it’s apples and oranges.My response to both of them is pretty much the same, i.e. “don’t try it with me,” but I think there are different issues in play for each.

[12/7/06]

Share!