Dear Sars,

I had this boyfriend who was great at first but after a while got too clingy
and needy. Seriously, waayyy too clingy and needy.I grew apart from him
and he had a very hard time dealing with that. I ended up having to move out
of the state just to get the idea through his head that we were done. I
probably could have dealt with it better but he wouldn’t go away. I changed
my number and didn’t make any contact with him.

About six months later I moved back to the city that we had both lived in (for
work reasons). It’s big enough that I probably won’t run into him but small
enough that I might so I was a little sketchy when I first came back. Turned
out he wasn’t here but came back later. So he said.

I still haven’t contacted him but he has contacted me a couple of times via
email (I know, just change the address). It bugs since I figured after more
than a year of me not even attempting to contact him in any way, shape or
form he would have given up.I also have a pretty strong feeling that if I
do answer him sometime he will latch onto that with misguided hope and I’ll
truly never be rid of him.

Should I just give him a bone (albeit a bad news one) that I’m glad he’s
doing well but I’m married now (oh yeah, I’m married) and don’t think we
should talk anymore, at all, ever, again? Or just change the email address
and go on as before?I think I just answered my own question but I feel
like I’m being sort of a bad person to not give him any sort of an answer,
even if it’s a bad one. He’s not mean or freaky or abusive or anything, just
sort of a big baby.

Sign me,
I wanted to be your girlfriend, not your mother

Dear Girl,

This is kind of what he’s counting on; it’s what guys like him always count on, that your need to Be Nice will trump your discomfort.Don’t let it.It’s not all that nice to give him false hope anyway, but that’s not even the point; you don’t want anything to do with him anymore, is the point, and that seems terribly impolite, but again, it’s not a matter of politeness.That’s your wish; he’s clearly not inclined to respect it, given a choice, so don’t give him a choice.

You’re doing exactly right.Continue to avoid/ignore him; throwing him a “bone” will only send him the message that it is in fact possible for him to get a response if he tries long and hard enough.Don’t do it.

Dear Sars,

My husband and I married almost two years ago, after many years together.We were high school sweethearts, stayed together through college, and have done what I think is an admirable job of making responsible decisions.”Ted” and I work very hard to put each other first, and our families are very important to us.

My problem is with my mother-in-law.She’s actually Ted’s stepmother.His parents divorced when he was twelve and he and his siblings moved, with his dad, across the country, where my FIL met and married Sharon (a divorced mother of two) when Ted was 15.I met Ted about eighteen months later, but from everything I hear, Sharon seemed at first like a dream to Ted and his siblings, who have always had a very hot-and-cold relationship with their own mother.

And, truth be told, the woman makes one hell of a first impression.She can talk to anyone about anything and she really knows how to turn on the charm and make you feel like you are the most special person in the world.Because she was so great, Ted didn’t see anything weird at first about the fact that Sharon and my FIL made all of the kids call them “Mom” and “Dad” even though her daughters had a very close relationship with their own father and Ted already had a mother.This forced Brady Bunch facade became so important to her that when Ted’s sister wrote a paper at school, she was grounded for making the grevious error of referring to her “Stepmother” and “stepsisters.”She was nine years old!!

Around the time that I met Ted, Sharon was apparently becoming more of a Mrs. Hyde.She let Ted and his friends smoke pot in the basement (he was a teenager — he doesn’t do that anymore) but grounded him for not knowing how to get from their house in the suburbs to the square downtown.Ted’s sister couldn’t get her hair cut short, but Sharon’s youngest daughter could get her EYEBROWS dyed (she was seven years old).

The blatant favoritism and unpredictable mood swings resulted over the years into some nasty situations.Ted’s brother was sent back to California to live with his grandparents because Sharon didn’t like him. Ted was given luggage for Christmas his senior year in high school and instructed to pick a college at least two hours away because they didn’t want him coming home on weekends, and then he was told to enroll for the summer semester so he would be out of the house sooner.This is just the tip of the iceberg.Trust me, this woman has done some things that would blow your mind.Like cutting all ties with both sets of grandparents.All of this going on while most of their neighbors had no idea that she didn’t give birth to all of these children.

Ted’s father is a lovely man who also happens to be a total doormat.He can’t even choose a table at a restaurant because “Sharon might want to sit on the patio!”Ted loves him very much, but it is hard for him to have a decent relationship with him these days, and I feel that it’s partly because of me.See, I have been the cause of many a family feud over the past eight or nine years.After Ted and I had been together about six months, Sharon called a family meeting.In the middle of the night.After telling my FIL she wanted a divorce, she told Ted’s sister, who dreamed of becoming a singer, that she would never be Whitney Houston.She told Ted that he was way too good for me and I was nothing but a fat whore.(Which is absurd, but you get the point.What adult stomps on a twelve year old’s dreams or criticizes a teenaged girl’s recently earned curves?)

I didn’t speak to her for nearly a year, after which we maintained a tenuous truce.Every time I was on the verge of forgiving her for the hateful things she said, something else would happen to make me never want to see her again.

Because Ted loves his father so much, I tried to be the bigger person.I sent everyone in the family birthday cards and Christmas presents.I invited them to dinners with my family.I even sought out Sharon’s opinion on things.

Everything started to fall apart with our wedding.Sharon agreed to host the rehearsal dinner.Ted and I planned a wedding where everyone we loved could have a great time.We agreed not to go overboard with the trappings because we didn’t want to spend a lot since my parents were footing the bill.

Sharon tried to override me numerous times and purposely planned a rehearsal dinner more elaborate than the reception was to be.She also refused to invite our out-of-town guests to the rehearsal dinner.(People flew in from all over, even Japan, and the dinner was buffet-style, not catered, and she didn’t even want our grandparents to be there.She finally caved when Ted called her the night before and basically forced her into inviting everyone, and made it sound like her idea, in the meantime!)Of course, she didn’t speak to me during the bridesmaids’ luncheon, the rehearsal dinner, or the reception.Later I discover from Ted’s grandmother and aunt that she just spewed vitriol about me the whole day of the wedding.

Fast forward a few years.She and I have seen each other maybe twice since then.She has backed out of visiting us several times and blatantly lied about the reasons.She does sneaky little things like sending me a gift of nice lingerie, only it is sized for someone that would have to be weighed on a cattle scale, if you know what I mean.But mostly she just says hateful things about me behind my back.

Now, I am a pretty good catch as far as daughters-in-law go, I think.I love her son, we take care of each other, I remember birthdays, and I am unfailingly polite and deferential when I am with her.In fact, I would love to have a real relationship with a mother-in-law, like my girlfriends have.But this whole routine is getting old.Ted has told me more than once that she’s not just attacking me, she’s attacking both of us and we don’t have to ever see her again.Now, I am grateful to have someone who thinks that way.But again, Ted loves his father and his father is a doormat (a blind, deaf doormat who can’t stand up to his wife) and I don’t want to ruin their relationship either.

Should I just smile through the family holidays and hope that one of her daughters takes them in when they get old?Or should I allow Ted to cut ties with his parents?I am leaning towards telling him to see them as much as he wants as long as I don’t have to go, but this could be problematic in the future when we have kids, as we now live in a different state.Any suggestions?

Maybe every has these problems with the in-laws?

Dear Not So Much,

If Ted’s father is such a lovely man, why does he allow his wife to treat his children like they all live in Knots Landing?And how exactly are you the cause of these “family feuds” when clearly Sharon is about a dozen sandwiches short of a picnic?

You’ve tried; it’s time to stop doing that.Sharon is a nasty piece of work, and probably mentally ill, but if Ted is okay with cutting ties — or with you cutting ties — why not just be shut of her?If Ted wants to interact with the rest of his family, or if you want to, that’s one thing, but it’s past time for you to put your foot down with Sharon, because she’s just going to become an even bigger harridan when the two of you have children.She’s going to try to boss you, she’s going to put herself in the middle of other relationships, she’s going to trade on your unwillingness to punish Ted’s father to manipulate the situation.Which is exactly what she does now.

You will never have a normal MIL relationship with this woman; it’s not realistic to hope for that, so you need to cut her toxicity out of your life.What Ted does is up to him, but…enough already.And enough already with the hanging on for Ted’s father’s sake, too, I think, because at a certain point everyone in the family has to acknowledge that he chose this, and that that choice should have the same negative consequences for him that it’s had for everyone else who’s had to put up with Sharon’s lunacy.

It’s good of you to try to keep the peace, but seriously, do you want your children exposed to this shite?Do you want your husband to expose himself to more of it for the sake of appearances?She’s crazy, and it’s not happening.How you interact with the rest of Ted’s family is a more nuanced affair, but as far as Sharon goes…cut and push, baby.

Hi Sars.

I hope you can come up with a civil one for this one. I’m having a real privacy issue with members of my family and all the hints in the world haven’t done a thing to dent their thick skulls. Here’s the history: I lived in another borough away from my family and was very happy. My older sister lives a house away from my parents. When my mom died, I gave up my single life (great apartment and all the privacy I could ask for) and moved in with my dad to care for him and the house since he doesn’t know how to do anything for himself.

My problem is that my sister and her daughter (who is in her twenties) have keys to my father’s house and come and go as they please, which was a good thing at first to share the responsibility of caring for him and in case of emergency et cetera.Except that now, it is getting on my nerves that they don’t even so much as ring the doorbell before trying their keys — they just come in and they never know when I’m here or not. My father is not an invalid and he goes out on his own, so many times (nights/weekends) they will come in looking for him and he isn’t even home.

Now the kicker here is, when my mother was alive, she had keys to my sister’s house when her children were still small and my sister didn’t like her just walking in on her so she changed the locks and didn’t give my mom a copy. Do I have to resort to such measures? I’m concerned that if I do and there is an emergency with my dad it’ll be my fault that they can’t get in if I’m not around.

Sign me,
Greta Garbo

Dear GG,

“Sis, I don’t mean to offend you, because I like spending time with you, but this is my home now, and I need you to respect that by calling before you come over, and knocking before you let yourself in.Thanks for understanding.”

If that doesn’t work, change the locks and leave a set of keys with a neighbor, or at a 24-hour deli in the neighborhood.Better yet: move out, or arrange for a home aide for your dad.If he’s not housebound, he can probably either learn to shift for himself or make do with frequent visits; it doesn’t sound like he needs a live-in daughter at this point.You could probably live elsewhere and just overnight at your dad’s now and then, or come by with prepared meals or to clean now and then.

But if that’s not an option, and your sister isn’t taking hints?Stop dropping hints and tell her straight out to respect the boundaries of your home.

Sars —

I know your idea about friendships having a time limit, and I agree, I just want an outside opinion on whether this one is over or hibernating.

“Laverne” and I have been friends for years.We learned to write cursive together, learned to drive together, and learned that working for a living sucks together.We’ve always had a rather…volatile friendship, punctuated by long periods of time when we simply didn’t speak — our record being the entirety of middle school.Lately, however, our friendship has become stale.I tend to blame it on the introduction of her boyfriend (whom she will be marrying, so I guess I should call him a fiance).She won’t go anywhere without him, invites him (and his friends) along even when I specifically ask for a “girls’ night out,” and has nothing to talk about that doesn’t involve her relationship with him.

Whatever, people change when they get into serious relationships, I can deal.My problem, what’s really pissing me off, is her self-centered behavior and general lack of respect.Last year, for her birthday, Laverne asked for a surprise party.I figure, if you’re going to do something, do it right, and I dropped over $150 on a party which, all agreed, was rather kick-ass (I wasn’t the only person spending money, but I spent the most — and it’s rather a lot to me).

My own birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and Laverne flipped shit on me when she found out I hadn’t taken the night off work (I work overnights), because nobody had told me there were any plans in place — with a Thanksgiving birthday, you learn to celebrate on close-by weekends, and I assumed this was the case.So I took the night off work, and found out her idea of a party is to take me to a bar.The night before Thanksgiving.I hate going to bars, she knows this — and she says she won’t be paying for me, because she’s having some financial difficulties at the moment.Laverne apparently decided that paying for me to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was enough of a present, and isn’t planning on doing anything else.

Am I being selfish?Is she being selfish?Do I need to stop trying so damn hard to be her friend?

Not sure I want to be Shirley anymore

Dear Shirl,

You don’t enjoy spending time with her; I think you only continue to do it because you’ve done it for so long (and it doesn’t sound like you’ve enjoyed it that much in the past, either).She’s a tacky-ass who requests a surprise party, which, what?And then her idea of a birthday “present” for you is to take you to a venue you’re on record as disliking, after whining about it, and not even treat you.Where does the “hibernating” part come in, exactly, because I sure don’t see it.At best, she’s…not so bright.At worst, she’s a person who has no apparent interest in or memory of what you like or how to treat people.

You’re supposed to like your friends, see, is the thing.So: 1) cut; 2) push.

Dear Sars,

So I’ve talked everyone I know’s ear off about this subject, so I decided to turn to you for “professional” advice (and perhaps an ass-kicking that will make me stop thinking about this for good).

I have a huge, giant crush on the son of one of our family friends.We go on vacation together every summer, and his family is very close to my uncle’s family (they live in the same neighborhood, hang out together all the time, their cats are siblings, et cetera) and he’s like a brother to my cousins.I have known him my whole life, and in my adolescence realized that he was a very good-looking boy (with an absolutely killer bod that I am tortured with each summer vacation).Even though I recognized my crush on him, he was always older than me and so I never really thought about it as an actual option, but just lusted after him from afar.

But, now that we’re both in the post-college era and living in the same town, that age difference doesn’t really matter. He talks to me a lot more when our families hang out, and we recently wound up hanging out alone after a family event and it was very hard for me not to flirt with him.

Now, if he was a normal boy, I would kind of hint to him that maybe I would like to make out with him.Obviously, there are a few problems with this plan:
1) The whole family friend thing.If anything happened, it might be terribly awkward in the future, between us and between everyone involved.
2) He’s not so experienced with girls to begin with; he’s never had a serious girlfriend and rarely seems to have casual hook-ups, so normal flirting might not even register on his radar.
3) He’s kind of shy/mellow to begin with.
4) I highly suspect that he has never considered making out with me, due to the family connection (or perhaps other reasons, who knows?).

Option 4 is fine with me, I do enjoy his company and would be happy dealing with a platonic friendship with him.But what plagues me is this: what if he has never considered it, but if something MADE him consider it, what would the outcome be?I am dying to know but not willing to make a gigantic fool out of myself.The thing is, on the off chance that he’s into it, it would be one of my longtime fantasies realized.

So, what do I do?We recently exchanged phone numbers and I would love to hang out with him more, as friends, but I don’t want to come off creepily bothering him to hang out with me, and also, if we do wind up hanging out more, it will be that much more frustrating to not be able to try to work it.

What would you do?

Probably Awkward, Potentially Hot?

Dear Awkward,

I would just invite him to hang out, and see where it went.I mean, either you can know the answer or you can have a guarantee that you won’t make a fool of yourself, but in these situations, you can’t have it both ways.Flirt with him and see where it goes; it’s just flirting, and if “everyone” else in the situation is made horribly uncomfortable by flirting that doesn’t go anywhere?That’s their neurosis.

This is how people meet each other and get together, sometimes — through family friends, through long associations.Everyone’s an adult; if something happens, if nothing happens, whatever, they can figure out how to handle themselves without it becoming a junior-high situation.

But you need to trust them, and him, to do that — and you need to do it yourself, instead of digging your toe into the ground all, “Well…I don’t want to be a pest…or anything…”If you want to flirt with him, or ask him out, just do it and feel confident that you can deal with the consequences.

[12/8/05]

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