Sars,

I divorced my wife three years ago leaving me a 28-year-old single father of two absent from the dating
scene for over a decade.

Three years later, I’m 31 years old and still single,
but that isn’t my problem. My problem is that every
woman I have been involved with since my divorce has
been sexually abused. I don’t mean every person I’ve
been on a date with, but the ones I actually form
relationships with inevitably confide in me that they
have been abused in the past.

I don’t (or at least I didn’t) have any reservations
about having a relationship with someone who has been
abused, but it seems like I end up being dumped after
being used as a confidante.

The relationships usually begin as friendships made at
work or through mutual friends. Things go on for a
while with emotional attachment gradually escalating
until one of us finally makes a move. Usually it’s
just a kiss or a simple statement that what’s between
us is more than friendship. Then all hell breaks
loose.

At this point, they confide in me that they were
abused. Relatives, family, or friends, I’ve heard all
of them. I let them know that I am there for them and
that I am willing to take things slow. I also make it
clear that it doesn’t change my feelings or make me
think any less of them.

The reactions vary at this point. Sometimes things go
very slowly afterward and sometimes things heat up
right away. What happens next is always the same.

As soon as the relationship moves past the friendship
stage, there’s always an ex-boyfriend or ex-husband
brought into the mix. Invariably, she now wants to get
back with him because she loves him. I get the “You’re
so great and kind and understanding, but I still love
him even though he treats me like shit” from her and
the “Stay the hell away from her or I’ll kill you”
from him.

The first couple of times this happened, I tried to
reason with them, but it was just drama after drama.
I’d get calls from her saying the ex was drunk and she
was frightened. I’d get calls from the ex-boyfriend
saying that she’s his again so stay away. After the
first three relationships, I just started to give up
once this shit started.

It’s like the reason they’d bring back the exes would
be to see how far I’d go to win them back. At first I
tried, but in the end I realized it was a no-win
situation. It’s almost like they were scared to be
happy with someone who treated them nicely and ran
right back to the last fucked-up relationship they
could get back into. Which leads me to my current
problem.

I met somebody recently that I really like. We started
out as acquaintances, but recently she has been
hanging out at that same places I do and making an
effort to come and talk with me every time she sees
me. She’ll even give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek
when she’s leaving. I’ve watched the way she interacts
with other guys and they don’t get this treatment.

I started asking some questions about her and found
out a few things through a mutual friend. She’s 26
years old. She is a single mother. What else? Oh yeah,
her daughter was conceived when she was raped three years
ago.

Sars, I don’t have a problem with that fact. Well,
actually I do, but the solution involves finding the
bastard that did it and pulling a Lorena Bobbit on him
before I strangle the life out of the cocksucker.

Sorry, I lost it there for a minute. On topic? Should
I just let this go or see if lucky seven is the charm?
I really like her, but I just feel that this is going
to end badly before it has even started.

I don’t go looking to put myself in these positions,
I’m just shy and don’t make the first move unless I
know someone is interested. The women that seem to be
interested in me? Well, you see how that has worked so
far.

My friends all joke that I have “Broken Wing”
syndrome. I’m the one who always tries to fix
everything and help everybody. I don’t know. Maybe I
should just be an asshole from now on.

Almighty Tomato Queen, please offer your sound advice.

Sincerely,
Living Proof That Nice Guys Finish Last

Dear Proof, My Aunt Fanny,

You don’t go looking to put yourself in these positions consciously.That doesn’t mean that you aren’t doing it on purpose, on some level you aren’t aware of — projecting the vibe that you’re safe and non-threatening.Maybe you think that’s all (or the best) you have to offer women; maybe you subconsciously settle on women you’ll never be able to get truly close to because you’re afraid of closeness yourself.I don’t know.

There’s nothing wrong with safe and non-threatening, and it’s surely not all you have to offer, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to avoid repeating a painful pattern over and over again yourself, either, and I think that’s the central point here — never mind whether the woman in question is a survivor of abuse or sexual assault, because I don’t think that is in and of itself the telling aspect.It’s that they inevitably have unresolved entanglements with exes, and that’s why I theorized above that maybe you do this purposefully on an unconscious level — because, if that’s the case, you know you can keep them at an emotional distance from you.

Anyway.What should you do about this latest woman?Nothing, I think.Just leave it be.You could find out from the mutual friend whether she’s got a scary ex or the father of her child is still in the picture, but maybe it’s best if you just step back from this one and do some thinking about what you bring to these situations.

Sars,

My gorgeous, beautiful, loving and wonderful best friend has a horrible grammar problem that absolutely drives me up the wall.We are talkin’ fingernails on a chalkboard, yo.He has a really bad habit of saying, “In all honesties…blah blah blah.”Shouldn’t it be “Honestly, blah blah blah?”Honestly, your grammar sucks?

Another thing that gets to me is when people say, “I could care less.”Doesn’t that statement imply that one could care less, thus they care a little bit?I always thought it was proper to say, “I couldn’t care less.”Please help.I think I am going insane.

From one grammar nazi to another,
A Slightly Edgy High Strung New Yorker

Dear Edgy,

(The first person to identify the four usage errors in this letter gets a set of magnets.)

I’ve never heard “in all honesties.”It’s “honestly” or “in all honesty.”It’s more of a tic than an egregious error, but given that nobody else is saying it that way…and yes, it’s “I couldn’t care less.”Saying you could care less, when what you mean is that you don’t care at all, makes no sense.

Hi Sars,

I’ve got one for you. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of six years.
He’s my best friend in the world and we lived together for over three of those
years, but he was my first long-term relationship and eventually things just
fizzled and it started to feel like we were buddies/roommates and nothing
else. I tried and tried to fall back in love with him and when I realized it
wasn’t going to happen, I told him I thought we should break up and live
apart. I initiated it and he didn’t feel the same way and it was and still
is extremely difficult. He was in denial for a long time and has finally
reached acceptance but I know if I changed my mind tomorrow he’d be ecstatic
and we’d be back together.

I am moving out in a few weeks and I will miss
him terribly. Sometimes I still doubt myself and don’t know what I will do
without him.As far as break-ups go, they aren’t easy but he and I are
still great friends and I don’t want to lose him from my life.I know we
will still hang out and see each other often and that’s what I want.

Now the problem: shortly after we moved in together, I adopted a one-year-old dog from a shelter.I have always wanted a dog and he knew that before
we moved in together. I chose her, paid for her, registered her to my name,
and have been responsible for most (and paid for all) of the training,
walking, feeding, taking her to the vet, et cetera.My ex, B, occasionally would
fill in for me at doggie school and would help with walking because he
bonded with her quite strongly.

Now that I’m close to my move date, B is
asking about the dog, and claiming he should get her 50% of the time.I
know my dog loves him and will miss him a ton, but I think this is a bit
ridiculous.She is already an anxious dog and I don’t think it will help
her to spend one week in one place and the next in another place.I don’t
want them never to see each other, because like I said, the dog loves him
and he loves the dog. I told B that I’d be happy to drop her off at his
place every other weekend to stay and visit with him and pick her up when
the weekend was over, but that I didn’t think a 50-50 custody situation
would work and that I wasn’t prepared to give up 50% ownership of my dog.
He wasn’t happy with this but the subject was dropped.

As we approach the
move date, he’s been bringing it up now and again and I can tell he is
really upset by it.I feel guilty because I’m the one who ended the
relationship and I know my dog will help me through the loneliness in the
new apartment and the reality of the separation, and I feel awful that he
won’t have that.But I’m still not willing to give up the 50% of my time
with my dog.Am I being ridiculous? Too stubborn? What would you do?I
love that throughout the whole breakup we’ve still been able to stay friends
and get along so wonderfully and I don’t want this issue to ruin that.I’d
love your take on this one, Sars…

Trapped in Doggie-Custody Battle

Dear Trapped,

Technically, legally, it’s not his dog and he has no claim on her.Furthermore, she’s on the nervous side anyway, and shuffling her back and forth won’t help that.And finally…y’all broke up.Not that he doesn’t love the dog, and not that you two won’t stay friends over the long haul, but now is not the time to negotiate that, and if you think the dog visitation discussion isn’t at least partly about getting more face time with you, think again.

You need to put paid to this, now.Tell him he can have her on the occasional weekend, but that’s it; you aren’t negotiating.If he’s that lonely, he can get his own dog.Not that I don’t sympathize with the guy, but — the relationship is over, and while it’s nice that you want to ease that transition for him, you’re really the last person that should be helping him in that area.

Don’t give in; don’t avoid the subject.Offer him a visitation schedule you can live with, and if he doesn’t like it, he gets nothing.Don’t try too hard to be his friend right now; it won’t help in the long run.

Dear Sars,

I was reading a post of yours on www.thisisnotover.com where you asked
about tax credits for the self-employed. I wish I had an answer for you
on that, but instead I have a question. I worked at an insurance company
all summer in customer service and because I was just a summer employee
(I’m a college student) they paid me as an outside contractor, meaning I
made wonderful money, but no taxes were taken out.

My main question is: what is my tax liability likely to be come April?
By then I will have made over $8000 (working at Christmas too) and so
I’ll be over the limit where everyone has to file. I’m wondering how
much I can generally expect to owe the IRS. I’ll qualify as
self-employed to the IRS and I’m wondering if you could give me an idea
of what the self-employed generally owe. I’ve had a look at the tax
guidelines for this year and the only thing it served to do was give me
a headache.

Thanks for any help you can give,
Is tax evasion REALLY that big a deal?

Dear Yes — Ask Al Capone,

I can’t give you a number; I can tell you that, often, the IRS wants the self-employed/independent contractors to pay on a quarterly basis.

You’ll need to call H&R Block or another certified accountant and ask them.It’s worth having a qualified professional who’s familiar with your fiscal situation to advise you.

Dear Sars,

Love your site, thrilled that you put actual thought into your answers instead of going the Dear Abby road of “see a parent or clergyman,” because heavens knows that’s all she does.Love my “clergyman” to death but this isn’t quite a topic in his area.

Anyway.

The problem is a combination friend/guy problem.I met the guy in question while on a college trip.We spent an amazing weekend together, which included some fantastic, spine-tingling kisses and a lot of conversation.I was surprised yet thrilled to come home from that weekend to an email from him telling me how much he had enjoyed our time together.We were halfway across the country from each other, and he told me later that he was so scared when I left that he would never see me again.

Time passed.We emailed each other several times a day, or talked on IM.Sometimes we would get offline, and then he would call because he didn’t want to stop talking with me. Eventually we weren’t necessarily talking every day (we do have lives, or we try), but at least several times a week.I visited him two more weekends over the next year, since I was going to be in town anyway, and those went swimmingly.We decided that it was his turn to visit next, but visits were, at least at that point, thwarted due to schedules and an illness on my part.We got to know each other incredibly well, and he claimed that I knew him better than anyone else, and was the reason he was able to get through some pretty tough times for him.Honestly, I went into the whole thing thinking “eh, it’s just long distance fun,” but I guess over time I fell in love.I always kept in mind, though, that it was never a defined relationship, we hadn’t actually spent much time in the same state (let alone room) together, and that I couldn’t really expect anything from him.I’ve dated since then (nothing serious), and I don’t know whether he has, but I don’t see that as an issue, since our relationship was always just as much based on friendship as on physical attraction.

The beginning of the relationship was four years ago, so pretty intense for two years.Things gradually cooled down about a year and a half to two years ago, and while for awhile I would get annoyed with him for not emailing (he would always say he was thrilled to hear from me, and sorry he didn’t get back to me, he had just been busy), but I’ve given up on trying to make him stay in touch by now because I realize that our relationship has changed.I’m not going to stalk him or nag him into emailing me, and I haven’t really heard from him in about a year.Last time I emailed was maybe four months ago when I moved, so I included him in a mass email I sent to friends letting them know my contact information.

Now.I know you believe that friendships have a shelf life, and I understand that.I don’t want to be the kind of person who can’t let go, and I’ve let go of friendships before, some of which were with best friends.The intense part of this one is certainly over, and although I really miss it, I accept it.

So, finally, here’s the question: Do you think it would be too much to email him a Christmas card? (Email, because I may have thrown out his mailing address.)If you say that I secretly hope he’ll contact me again after getting the card, or that I’m not quite over him, you wouldn’t be completely wrong (drifting apart is hell in the closure department), but really, I can’t stand the idea of completely losing touch, and I just want to say Merry Christmas and wish him the best.Would sending him a card look like I can’t let go?

When do you decide that the friendship is mostly dead or all dead?

Dear Right About…Now,

It’s fine to secretly hope that he’ll contact you again.What happens when he doesn’t?You don’t mention whether he got in touch with you after the mass email; I assume that means he didn’t.And…won’t.

By that same token, what happens if he does?Because then the friendship is renewed, at least until he flakes again, but the thing is, this wasn’t just a friendship; it was a romantic relationship.You want something from him, I think, that he can’t give you or hasn’t given you for a while now, and it’s time to just accept that for what it is and move on.I know it sucks, I know it seems like a waste, I know it’s hard to accept that someone who meant that much to you can just vanish from your life, but unfortunately, it happens, and when it does, you kind of have to let it, for your own sake.

It’s not about how it looks.It’s about accepting what is.If you can wish him a happy holiday with no ulterior motives, then go for it, but if you can’t, or if it means too much to you whether he responds…you can’t always rely on other people for closure.Sometimes you have to force that bloom yourself.This is one of those times.

[12/9/04]

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