The Vine: February 1, 2005
Hello!
I have a salary-related question for you. I’m a college student, and have been working with the company I’m at for over a year now as a medical writer/grant writer/ghost writer/editorial and research assistant…you get the picture. I knew/had heard from several places in the industry that I was vastly underpaid for such a position, but hey, it paid the bills (I support myself), they are really vocal with appreciation, have been really understanding about recent medical issues, and they throw in occasional bonuses.
The problem? I’m graduating in a few weeks, and went to salary.com to see what people in my position with a degree usually get paid in my large city. Results: an average of about $30,000 more a year than I’ll make once I go full time in a few weeks. I would like to ask for a raise, but I have absolutely no idea how to politely say, “Now that I have a degree, I would like not to be ridiculously underpaid. How might we do something about that?” Or maybe that is as polite as it gets.
Also, once recent medical issues are done being dealt with in August/September, I plan to find a job and move to the city where my fiance lives, and the current job is aware of this. I’ve thought of looking for another job with appropriate pay, but I think it would be kind hard to find a job willing to immediately give me time off for medical treatment in July, and a bit rude to then depart from the city a few months later (also probably not great resume material). I’m not asking for a $30,000 a year raise, especially since I plan on being out of the city by December at the very latest (hopefully leaving sometime in October), but I would like not to be totally ripped off anymore. Any advice on how to go about broaching that issue?
Many thanks!
Completely stumped
Dear Stump,
Once you’ve got the diploma, make a list of talking points: projects you’ve worked on, responsibilities you’ve taken on, et cetera. Ask to speak to your boss, and state your case briefly and calmly. Don’t compare yourself to others in the field; don’t mention salary.com; just bring her up to date again on what you’ve accomplished and your qualifications, and tell her you’d like a raise.
It’s possible that you won’t get it if she knows you’re just leaving eventually anyway, and maybe it’s not in the budget…it’s hard to say how that’s going to go, but a quick speech about how much you like and have learned from the job, plus a poke about how now you’re degreed, might get you a bit more money in the interim before you leave.
But if it doesn’t, have a strategy ready for that too: either you stay and continue working without resentments, or you leave and wait for the dust to settle post-move. Go into the situation knowing what you want out of it, and what you’ll do if you don’t get it, too.
Dear Sars,
I am 24 years old, happily married, and more or less mentally stable.
Unfortunately, this was not always the case. Back in college, I dealt with
my stress by cutting. I am very much over that habit, but I am left with
about 40 scars on my left arm, including two very prominent ones.
My problem is that people frequently ask what happened to my arms. I really
don’t know what to say to that. I haven’t come up with a good cover story.
I told different people different stories about what happened when the cuts
first appeared. I can’t remember which stories I told to which people, and
most of them weren’t very believable anyhow. I can’t think of anything that
would feasibly explain all of these nice, neat, parallel scars. It’s not
like I can blame it on the cat. I don’t feel like I can say I’m not
comfortable talking about it, either. That just seems too Mysteriously
Dramatic, and a very odd answer to what seems like a simple question. I
have resorted to a quick “I don’t know” and changing the subject, but that’s
just weird.
Any ideas on how I can answer this question and not have people walking away
wondering about my sanity?
Thanks,
I really don’t know, I just woke up and there they were!
Dear Dunno,
Smile warmly and say, “Nothing you need to worry about.” Change the subject. Greet any questioning that continues past that point with a flat stare; then change the subject again.
If people who think scarring is a proper line of inquiry also think you’re cold, or crazy, honestly, let them. It isn’t their business; you’re within your rights to remind them of that, pleasantly.
Dearest Sars,
I’m writing you with a technical question that you may not be able to help me answer. However, I figured I at least needed to give it a shot.
I already have a B.A., but I have always wanted to study abroad. For whatever reason, I was too chicken to apply for a study abroad program during my stint as an undergrad. I’ve been out of school a while, in the job force, and have been re-focusing on what I want and how to get it. After much soul-searching and research, I applied directly to a university in France and I have just been accepted. This is great news, right? Except, not so much.
The problem comes with financing. My student visa will only allow me to work in France for 20 hours a week during school. I have been an independent for a while, but I thought my parents would help me a little and co-sign a loan from an international student loan program that I found out about during my application process. However, they are pretty much refusing to co-sign, and without a guarantor, my chances of getting this particular loan are slim to none.
I have scoured the web for scholarship and loan information, but my situation is a little unique, and there’s really nothing out there. Though I have a B.A., the program I’m attending will pretty much be lateral and won’t be considered a graduate program, so I am not eligible for any of the graduate loans or scholarships. Since I will be attending a foreign school, I am apparently not eligible for federal aid. None of the loans listed on the French embassy website or given to me by the consulate are applicable to me. When I search “international student loans” or “study abroad” on the internet, I am given information for American college students attending a semester abroad through programs at their American universities, and not information on being an international student at a foreign institution.
Help! Do you have any idea where else I might be able to look? Have any of your readers had any experience with this? The amount I will need is minimal compared to the cost of most U.S. institutions, as the tuition is practically free; I would just need to pay for cost of living in a foreign country where I have a very minimal right to work. I would only need about $10,000-$15,000 for the entire year, but how do I get a bank to finance me when I have no collateral and will be unemployed (at least, temporarily) in a foreign country? I have decent credit, but I don’t know if that’s enough.
This is probably the best opportunity I have ever had, and I worked hard to get it. I will never get another chance like this, and I will always regret it if I miss out because of lack of financial backing. I’m desperate, and am hoping you, or someone in your readership, might be able to point me in the right direction, or give me some hope!
Thanks, Sars, you’re the greatest!
Le Louvre, Here I Come (?)
Dear C’est Bon,
I know nothing about this. I can suggest trying to find a guarantor besides your parents — another relative you’re close with, a friend of the family, someone like that — but if that’s not an option, I can’t come up with anything that you haven’t probably already tried.
But my readers know a lot of stuff. Readers? Anyone? Email me with the subject header “France” and I’ll forward it to Le Louvre.
Dear Talented Sars (so talented, my professor recommended Tomato Nation for
grammar help),
I’ve done and turned into a cliché. I’m a nutty (but functionally nutty)
recent college grad who went and: 1. fell in love with another girl, 2. who
is a very close friend, and 3. I had a big breakdown about it.
Back story: Girl and I have been friends since high school but weren’t close
till we became roommates in college. One day freshman year I looked at her
and was knocked off my feet. I nursed the hopeless longing all through
college, where, due to our common reticence with guys, I could delude myself
and fantasize about our commitment ceremony, a stylish loft apartment, and
an adopted Chinese baby. Then we graduated and suddenly there’s a potential
Boy in her life, and she’s leaving me behind, and she never really gave me
the respect due in our friendship, and I’m depressed (about non-Girl related
things). Blah blah blah, Functionally Nutty turns into just Plain Nutty.
I spent a tough few months struggling through my feelings, but I’m on the
mend. But I’m not completely over it, and I really would rather not be
around her now. To her, I have mood swings as a result of my depression, and
she is a shoulder to cry on. In reality, every time I hang out with her as a
friend, I can’t but feel resentful, angry, and sad. I think this friendship
is dying, but the thought of severing all ties leaves me tearful. Should I
try to salvage the friendship and continue to sublimate, or am I kidding
myself into thinking that I can get over my romantic feelings enough to
continue to be her close friend? Do I even want that now that I’ve suffered
so much over her? And if I end the friendship, isn’t she always going to
think of me as the friend who inexplicably turned psycho? Or (deep breath)
do I confess my lingering feelings and go from there?
Thank you,
Fell in Love With A Straight Girl
Dear Time To Fall Out,
One of the most frustrating things I read in Vine letters — by which I mean that I’m frustrated on your-all’s behalf, not that I’m frustrated at or with you — is the variation on “I don’t want to lose the friendship.” Listen to me well, my darlings: if you are in love with a friend of yours who does not reciprocate your feelings, the friendship is already lost. It is not a friendship anymore. It is a pairs-skate torture device, and when you say “I don’t want to lose the friendship,” what you mean is “I don’t want to walk away from this and admit that there is no hope and I’m not good enough for him/her,” which is no way to go through life, because you’re plenty good enough; you’re too good, in fact, for this situation. I mean, no, you don’t want to lose the friendship either, but 99 times out of 100 that is the secondary concern. The primary concern is continuing to give your friend the opportunity to fall in love with you back.
I do not judge any of you for this. I only know you’re doing it at all because I’ve done it, more than once, sometimes for very long periods of time. But it doesn’t work. You don’t get what you want; you don’t move on. So, folks, when you find yourself saying you “don’t want to lose such-and-so as a friend,” as painful as it is, realize what you’re really saying, and cut ties — not forever, necessarily, but the friendship as you know it is already gone and you need to acknowledge that for your own sakes.
More particular to this case: Years now, this has been going on. Years. Again, I don’t judge you — truly, I don’t. But, really, that will do. You are in love with her; she is not gay; it’s time to turn away from it, face forward, and move on. You can reveal your feelings to her or not, but I think you already sense that the current set-up just isn’t working for either of you. End it. You don’t have to be all “fuck it” about it; of course it’s painful and hard to let go of and it’s okay to feel destroyed about turning away from this thing that you’ve held onto for years. But you have to do it anyway.
Sars,
A question or two:
Maybe you can help me with some tip etiquette, and as a bonus, a grammar
question.
I have a tattoo on my back that, due to the intense pain of getting it
actually inked, is only 2/3 of the way done. I’ve done two sittings so far,
and with luck I’ll only have to do one more. On the first visit, which
altogether took about two hours, I paid for the entire cost of the tattoo
($130), and like an ass totally spaced on tipping the guy. On the second
visit, which took roughly an hour, I gave him $10. That probably wasn’t
enough and came off as cheap, but luckily I have one more visit to go. I had
intended at the outset to give him a total of $30 as a tip. That’s more than
20%. For a restaurant that would be a generous tip, but I feel like with the
amount of time spent on this little project (the design was mine, but he drew
it and we negotiated things like shape, size, color, etc, so there was quite
an extensive back-and-forth before we even sat down with the needles), I should
maybe tip more than that. Thankfully, I have an opportunity to redeem myself
here and I’d like to do the right thing. I don’t quite know who to ask,
so…what do you think?
Okay, now the grammar. A friend and I were reading a recent issue of a
popular celebrity-watching mag, and noticed that a particular celebrity
listed as a pet peeve “[b]eing condescended to.” My friend insists that not
only is the construction of this sentence totally wrong (ends in a
preposition), the implication (is that the right word? “intent”?) is also
incorrect, because someone can’t “be condescended to”…even if the
preposition weren’t at the end. Now, while I realize that one shouldn’t end
a sentence in a preposition, I contend that the idea behind it was
essentially acceptable since you could, in theory, “condescend to” speak to
or acknowledge (or whatever) a person, so in return a person could hate
being condescended to…even though almost any number of constructions of
that end in prepositions…so…what is up with that? Can someone be
condescended to? And what IS the correct construction of that sentence if
there CAN be a correct construction of it?? Help?
Thanks!
Feeling needled
Dear Needle,
My last tattoo was so long ago, I don’t know how I arrived at this, but I believe I paid $100 total for a $65-dollar tattoo — which had to be drawn for me, because I can’t draw at all, and which is still holding up flawlessly almost nine years later. Like, the guy did shading and everything, and you can still see it. So, I think you just do what you’re comfortable with; maybe $30 at the end, and certainly offer to recommend the artist or write up a testimonial for them if they do that kind of thing. I am still raving about the dude who did my friend’s Sacred Heart of Texas tat.
The sentence/clause you cite is fine. First of all, nobody really makes a big deal of ending a sentence with a preposition anymore; it’s actually considered pretentious to do so. Second of all, you can certainly “be condescended to” — it’s the passive voice. That’s the whole reason we have a passive voice. It’s not the prettiest construction I’ve ever seen, but some verbs don’t let you be graceful, and there’s no other construction I can come up with that isn’t needless overcorrection. Tell your friend to chill.
Tags: Ask The Readers boys (and girls) etiquette grammar workplace
just woke up: i usually use either “that’s from a while ago,” or “badger fight,” depending on who i’m talking to. the first tells people you don’t want to talk about it and there’s nothing to worry about; the latter is bewildering enough that they’ll leave you alone.
elbow-length gloves also work quite well, if you’re in a position to get away with it.