The Vine: February 1, 2012
For the past couple of years, I have asked for my birthday/Christmas for a charitable donation (mainly DonorsChoose). I even had a housewarming and asked guests that instead of a hostess gift, they make a donation. This request comes from a genuine desire to donate to charity. Also, I tend to be particular about what I wear or keep around the house. I’m not trying to sound ungrateful, I am very blessed to have people in my life who are very kind and generous, but a charitable donation seems like the best and easiest way to take care of the gift-giving conundrum.
However, almost without fail, this never happens and I’m not sure why. My husband says we give enough to charity and he doesn’t want to give any more. Other than that, there seems to be a real resistance from other people. Can you help understand why there is such a hesitance to giving donations, and if there is anyway I can help encourage it?
Thank you for your help and advice,
Vanessa
Dear Vanessa,
Assuming that you don’t tend to suggest divisive or politically fraught non-profits as the recipients, it’s probably that some people just don’t like to buy from a list. They consider it “cheating,” somehow, and whether it’s a registry or an Amazon wish list, it’s a shortcut that they can’t bring themselves to take. I’m sure that, like every other engaged couple in the history of forever, you and your husband found yourselves writing “thank”-you notes for hideous and hard-to-store nonsense like a set of eight martini glasses with little charms on the stems, or a bread dough…something-ometer. You didn’t put it on the registry, and you didn’t put it on the registry because you had neither the room nor the desire to own the thing, but inevitably a couple of people consider it insultingly “unoriginal” to buy from a list, and it is important to them that you know that they thought about it, and went to some effort with it, and gave you a unique present. Gift-giving should not become about competition, or have a weird performative aspect to it…but it often is and it often does. People are weird and make things about themselves, and that’s what Goodwill is for etc. and so on.
Another reason, which is sort of related, is that people get funny about money, by which I mean cash, in the gift “space.” Like, the same person who will cheerfully drop $60 on a coffee-table book will get all pearl-clutchy about a $25 donation to charity, because a book is a gift, but a donation is money and that’s tacky. It’s not even conscious most of the time, I don’t think, but if it feels like a transaction, some people get ooged out.
So that’s why, probably. Alas, knowing why doesn’t really mean you can — or I guess I should say “should” — do anything about it. Again, it’s a gift, and the most you can do is, as you put it, “encourage” people to donate to Donors Choose or another worthwhile non-profit instead of buying you stuff. You can try making little jokes about cutting down on clutter in 2012; you can go the heartfelt “this organization really means a lot to me, so if you must buy a gift, a few bucks in their direction would be the best present”; you can just say “no gifts — your presence is your present” and hope nobody follows up.
But: they will. Or they will ignore you and buy some chenille horror, and you will have to act delighted by it. If it’s a housewarming, they will bring you wine and novelty coasters, because this is the extent of the thinking most people want to do about a housewarming. Good news, though! 1) 99 percent of them mean well, and love you, so you can enjoy the process on that basis, and 2) there is nothing you can do about the behavior, so permission not to stress about it anymore, ever, is hereby granted. Thank friends and relations sincerely; display the item prominently, once, so they can see it; escort it off the premises with respectful promptness or whatever you want to do (but: maybe don’t sell it on eBay? Or the next letter on The Vine will be about you? Just a thought); done, next thing. But a lot of people have a lot of cultural synapses about gifts that you will never re-carve for them, and trying to will only annoy and alienate everyone involved. Accept this, accept them, and go buy your own neat clothes and coasters and enjoy life.
Tags: etiquette
My husband finds gift selection really anxiety-inducing. Most of our friends are similar. We basically agreed, we just don’t do gifts any more. I even managed to get his parents on board. So that’s one track to try, the ‘let’s just all save ourselves the aggravation and you can buy me a drink/coffee/whatever the next time we get together’. When it comes to people you are close with, I’d recommend that.
Why people don’t like the suggestion of charity:
1. It implies that a gift is required.
2. It implies that you don’t like their tastes and are instead directing them on exactly how to spend their money.
Now, of course, you don’t mean that. Except, you sort of do, and people know that. Certainly it comes from a good place that you’d rather they send $20 to the humane society than buy you yet another assortment of bath gels or whatever, but people still don’t like hearing that.
Also, if you don’t want the gift that you’ve received, you can donate said gift to a charity. Many charities run thrift stores or hold auction fundraisers and they appreciate whatever you can give to them (as long as it’s in decent shape). In terms of giving, it’s a bit more convoluted than cold, hard cash but charities have lots of strategies for turning old or unwanted clutter into money to do good things. Just a suggestion! :)
Regarding the “people get funny about money” thing you mention — I don’t really like giving cash or gift cards as presents because there’s no hiding how much you spent. Like, that $60 coffee table book? Might have gotten it on clearance for $15. Or found an awesome present for $8. The gift receiver has no way of knowing how much I spent (which is supposed to be besides the point). If you’re giving a donation, though, $8 looks terribly cheap and embarrassing.
So it’s entirely possible that people prefer not to donate because they don’t want to have to show how much they are spending.
Love Donors Choose!
A two-birds-with-one-stone solution might be to give the unwanted gifts to a charity thrift store. Assuming that it’s not a gift that you will be asked about on the regular.
Personally, I think it’s great when people ask for charity donations instead of gifts; but that being said, I can see how I might start getting a little tired of it if one of my friends never asked for anything else, ever. I like giving people gifts, and while I think donating to charity is a wonderful and important act, it doesn’t really feel like a gift to me, even if it’s what the person asked for. Gift-giving really shouldn’t be about the giver, of course, but… it usually is, at least a little bit. Honestly, I think I’d find it frustrating too if I were never allowed to give my friend something meant for her personally.
We tried the Donors Choose Birthday page for my daughter’s 6th birthday for all the usual reasons – too much clutter, we are blessed so let’s pass that on, etc. The reactions were completely mixed. All Grandparents flat out refused to not buy her a gift (although they then proceeded to ask me what they should get her). Our party guests either went all out and gave more than they would have spent on a gift or neither gave a gift nor gave to Donors Choose – I assume they thought we would never know. Thank goodness for facebook friends as my daughter was really upset when it looked like the projects she picked weren’t going to be funded.
Either way – we’re still going to try again this year.
I would suggest that explaining WHY you want the donations is the crucial element you may be missing. You mention “a genuine desire to donate to charity”. That sounds pretty vague to me, and tells me nothing about why you are passionate about, say, education or children’s issues.
Having worked for one of the world’s largest global humanitarian organizations and as a volunteer on the non-profit side for somewhat difficult causes (addiction treatment and non-US orphan adoption), and as a veteran marketer, I can tell you that the story behind the need is perhaps the most compelling tool at your disposal here. People resist giving if they suspect you just love the idea of charity, but have no personal investment in the cause.
I think Karen is right on for a lot of people when it comes to this.
It’s the same reason you tear the price tag off- for a whole lot of people it feels weird to have the price right out there, even if you give them a gift receipt and know full well they’ll see the price when they take it back to Target. Talking about money has been seen as very gauche in a lot of western cultures and it is still very much in effect (the reason why most people would be horrified if you asked them their annual salary) and it bleeds into gift giving to where you at least want the illusion of having the money taken out of the equation. I think it’s really subconcious for a lot of people, but I have a feeling that’s the main reason gift cards/donations are kind of seen as tacky or ‘not really a gift’.
I think Karen hit the nail on the head for me. I’m usually on a pretty tight budget, so I’m usually trying to do the best I can to get the greatest present for my friend (or their kids) while spending the least amount of money. If I buy a bottle of wine, I probably had a coupon and a store discount card. But if I’m giving to charity, that $20 is going to be pretty obvious and I have no way of knowing if everyone else gave $20 or $50, so I look cheap, even if we all have different budgets and my friend doesn’t actually care how much everyone gave. I don’t need to have the best present or the most expensive or whatever, but I want to be in the norm and with giving a gift card or a check or a donation to charity, the exact amount spent is right out there, even if the intent behind the amount is bigger.
I wonder if people might be less resistant to getting you something from Oxfam Unwrapped or a similar scheme. You do feel a bit more like you’ve given the recipient a present – the invisible essence of goats or school supplies or whatever. Then again, Donors Choose is quite similar in the ‘picking something nice off a list’ department, so maybe not.
I run into the dilemma that Karen mentions – I might find a great present that’s in the range of what I feel comfortable spending, but that same amount of money would look chinsy as a cold hard cash donation.
I think I can explain this. Gift-givers on these occasions aren’t thinking “I need to figure out how to spend $X on Jane.” They’re thinking “I want to give something to Jane.” They want to give YOU something. That’s truly the spirit behind it for a lot of people. And I know you want that something to be a donation to a charitable organization, but that just doesn’t feel like giving YOU something to a lot of people. Not saying it’s reasonable, but I think that’s what’s going on.
I have been to several weddings where they asked for charitable donations in lieu of gifts and I tend not to do it for several reasons:
a) the cash issue where they know exactly how much you spent.
b) I don’t really like being told what to give. I’m not Santy Claus. I will stay within the registry for wedding gifts, but I’m also one of those crochety old people who think it’s rude to register for things other than housewares. I realize I am losing that battle.
c) I hate getting on charities’ mailing lists that are not charities I chose to donate to.
d) Philosophically, I think charitable donations are something you should do quietly and not boast about and while I realize it isn’t your intention, it sometimes can come off as “Look How Charitable I Am… with your money,” and that can be kind of off-putting.
I think wanting to donate it to charity is awesome, but just take the gifts and donate them to a resale shop or donate any cash to a charity of your choice.
I’ve done the “donation as gift” thing, but as others have mentioned, it doesn’t feel much like a gift. One exception, however: some charities allow you to purchase a brick or plaque or something in honor of someone for a specific (usually pretty generous) donation. My local Humane Society does this, for example. So perhaps you could ask people to chip in toward a brick/plaque/recognition to honor someone you care about. That way, the specific amount may not have to be disclosed, there’s a concrete thing at the end, and it’s clear that it’s of importance to you specifially. Also, it’s a lasting thing.
So, instead of telling people that “hey, donate instead,” which for a variety of reasons can be kind of off-putting, you could maybe contact a Humane Society, or arts organization, or whatever, and then tell people “hey, I’d really like to honor my grandmother with a plaque at the (charity name here.)” For my birthday this year, I’d really love to meet the donation goal — here’s how to chip in, etc.”
That way, people can throw in $5 or $50, a charity gets some needed cash, you don’t have to cart crap to Goodwill, and you’ve managed it all without making people feel bad. This would also work with a specific Donors Choose project. You could choose a particular project, and then tell people which one it is and why you’d love to fund it. Ditto a Kickstarter project, if you’re into the arts and want to support someone’s struggling efforts.
Otherwise, you just need to accept gifts in the same spirit in which they’re given, and donate them later.
I totally get the whole “I’d feel uncomfortable only donating X-dollars because I feel like it might be considered miserly, therefore I’m not a fan of donation requests” thing, but…that’s *your* issue. And trust me, when I say “I get it,” I get it. I’m right there with you. You just have to find a way to turn it off. What helps (for me, anyway) is hearing Ira Glass in my head saying, “Give what you can. One buck, two bucks. It all helps.”
I have seen 2 of my aunts get all weirded out by requests to give to charity, in lieu of a gift. What they say is along the lines of “But I want them to see my gift, everyday, and think of me, every time they see my gift. They will only see that I gave to charity once, and they won’t think of me after that.”
I have no idea if this is just an old notion, or if they think that one gift should require you to think of them daily, forever, like lighting a candle for them.
There are probably a lot of things going on here. Partly the money issue, partly that you aren’t supposed to assume you will get presents, especially as an adult for birthdays and housewarmings. But probably also because people feel judged.
“Donation to charity” is vague and impersonal. I only do this for my sister, who donates so much of her time and energy to one cause that a gift to an associated charity truly feels like it furthers her efforts. If you want to fundraise for a specific cause, then do it. Have an event at your house instead of a housewarming.
If I knew someone who always gave me the directive “donate to charity” I would assume both that they didn’t think anything I picked out would be good enough AND that they felt they could direct me how to spend my own money AND that they didn’t really care where my gift went as long as they didn’t end up with something I had picked out.
I love giving gifts – and I’m damn good at it! (My secret: 1. pay attention 2. remember 3. shop in advance) For weddings & new babies I’ll usually stick to the registry — unless I know the couple really well and/or have the perfect thing for them. But I know people put things on a registry for a reason, so I’ll play nice — even if I think it’s so boring to buy someone a casserole dish or khaki crib sheets or whatever.
But I hate giving gift cards and money. Sometimes they may be the perfect present, but most of the time they scream: Don’t Care! Can’t Be Bothered! Get It Yourself!
I’ll reiterate what others have said – giving to charity just doesn’t really feel like giving a gift. I want to hand you something that is thoughtful and that you’ll love – not something that says Twenty-five dollars ?. But if someone says “No gifts please” I do respect that…87% of the time.
Also I’ve never given anyone a bread dough-ometer unless they collect them or something.
You could also try asking people to donate through something like Heifer International, where they can choose an animal as a gift to be sent to a needy family. Maybe people would be more likely to go that route if they’re giving something like a flock of chicks or a sheep, instead of just cash.
Agree that charity seems really impersonal, unless it’s something that you have a well-known, long-standing association with. There’s an element of fun involved in hunting down the perfect gift, and just handing out cash doesn’t seem as satisfying.
That being said, Donor’s Choice in particular may seem like too much work, as it can take some time to sort through and find ones that are “worth it,” especially if you have a strong preference for public rather charter schools.
Oh, yes, Amanda, C for me. One of the better gifts I ever gave was to my dad’s wife for Christmas: I donated a doggie bed in memory of her beloved weiner dog, Gretchen, to their local Humane Society. She was thrilled and the doggies got a bed! Hooray!
Except…that was two years ago and I still keep getting mailers from them because I naturally had to give them my info when I donated, and the whole “You gave once, so caaaaaannnnn’t you give again?” vibe gets stronger each time. I don’t mind giving, but the constant solicitations wear down my goodwill after awhile. I don’t blame them, really, but that irritation is still there. I find myself muttering “if you didn’t keep mailing me this stuff you could probably afford TWO damn beds!”
I agree about the psychology of money angle (interestingly, people who steal supplies and such from work wouldn’t touch cash, even if it was worth a lot less than that pen, pad, roll of toilet paper).
I have been to a party where the birthday adult wanted us all to buy a brand new book for a preschool, and all adults (mostly librarians) had so much fun picking the books we remembered from childhood, or current children loved. Then we brought the books to the party unwrapped, and there was a party game related to the books! (I think we voted on things like best illustrated, best for boys, best for girls, best for young Einsteins, etc.) So we all enjoyed, then the next day party girl drove 18 brand new books to the preschool that needed them. Maybe that would only work with librarians, but depending on what you want can your gift-givers buy it directly, such as loading a backback with school supplies? Then you can see their efforts and they can hear thanks, and your only added hurdle is driving the stuff to the charity.
To sort of clarify what everyone else has mentioned about how it’s uncomfortable showing how much you spent, I never have a dollar amount in mind when it comes time to give a gift. I think “What would be a good gift?” and go from there. If I can’t afford it, I don’t get it. If I can afford it, job done. With a charity donation, I have to actually decide on a number.
I’ve also noticed that my frame of reference for what constitutes a suitable amount to spend on gifts is different from those around me. In general, if asked to pick an appropriate dollar amount, others tend to pick a higher amount than I would. Further complicating things, I’m in a more stable financial situation than many of my friends, so I can painlessly spend more than they can. However, this makes me feel awkward about spending larger amounts, because I feel like it emphasizes the disparity in our situations (It’s like when you were a kid, your adult relatives might give you cash because they have money and you don’t. But, as adult, it would be mildly insulting to get cash in a birthday card from a friend.) Because of all this, I’m always worried that the number I pick might end up sending a different message than I intend.
If you’re my friend IRL and you don’t want presents, please say “Let’s not exchange presents any more.” I’ll happily agree, and you can donate the money you’d normally be spending on me to charity.
I don’t really enjoy giving or receiving gifts, but I’d be happy to donate a little to a charity if asked. My friends all understand that $20 is a lot of money for me, so I wouldn’t worry about looking tacky for “only” giving that much, or even less. I’d much prefer giving to a charity than having to go shopping AND worrying about the burden an unwanted object would place on the recipient.
I think people who loooove giving gifts (especially those who feel the need to go outside of a registry or ignore pleas to forgo gifts) don’t understand how much of a burden it can be to receive these things. I grew up in a borderline-hoarder household, so I have issues with unwanted clutter. I don’t have a car, so it’s hard for me to return things to a store or drop them off at a thrift shop. I move fairly often and packing is always a huge pain. I have moral objections to capitalism, the slave/child labor that goes into the production of many goods, and the environmental degradation that results from extracting materials, running factories, and shipping goods around the world. So, physical-object gifts are almost always a source of hassle and guilt for me on many levels.
The best gift I’ve received recently was an old vacuum cleaner my friend was getting rid of because I NEEDED one and ASKED for it. It probably didn’t seem like much to her, but I will have positive thoughts about her every time I use it.
1. People are supposed to call and ask (your parents, your bridal party).2. Yes, well-mannered people don’t show up to a party (ANY party) empty-handed, but well-mannered hosts never expect the guest to bring anything. That should not be the main thrust of the party.3. I really have never really loved the idea of a registry, though I understand their utility. I should be able to buy you whatever gift I want. A registry is for suggestions.
‘If you’re my friend IRL and you don’t want presents, please say “Let’s not exchange presents any more.” I’ll happily agree, and you can donate the money you’d normally be spending on me to charity.’
That’s exactly what I do with a couple of my friends and it’s great.
With a couple others, we give each other ‘annual’ gifts- they don’t have to be at a birthday or Christmas and none are expected on those days. We just wait until we find just the right thing and then we give it. Sometimes we go more than a year, and I’m pretty sure none of us notices. It’s really great because it feels nice to give someone something that is useful or perfect for them- not just something that’s given on the appropriate day. And we have less stress about buying something ‘in time’.
That said, I have given one of them a Donor’s Choose card which she loved and then donated part of her own money to as well. I also donated to a couple other charities in her name- but they were ones that I knew of that suited her, and it wasn’t something requested. It made it more fun- like I was still getting to choose just the right thing for her, rather than giving something I felt like I put no effort into.
And as many others have said, people knowing the dollar amount is a big factor. I like the OxFam Unwrapped that was mentioned. They won’t know what you spent unless they really go look (which is tacky in itself). Heifer International has something similar.
There’s a lot of good stuff in the comments, but I didn’t see this suggestion (if I missed it, sorry!). Ask for gift cards to Donors Choose, Kiva (microfinance), etc. Then you are the one picking out the specific recipients, so people can feel like they are giving you something – the chance to put this money exactly where you want it, the chance to feel connected to recipients, and the excitement of looking through the catalog for just the right project. It turns an intangible gift (money towards Donors Choose that you personally never would have seen) into a tangible one (money that you decide how to use), which makes a big difference for some people.
As a bonus, thank you notes for these gifts are so much fun – “Dear Amy, thanks so much for the DC gift card. I put it towards a classroom from my hometown using technology to support math education!”
There are some of us who are THRILLED to donate to a charity in your name, even if it’s only $15 bucks, instead of buying you some random piece of crap that you probably don’t want and will never use. I was so very happy when a friend of mine requested no gifts or else donations to Doctors Without Borders when she remarried. So sensible! The hubby and I never give each other gifts, other than very occasional cards or flowers. One less source of stress in life.
Anyway, I know the husband and I are not normal, but you (and we) are not alone our preference for not giving and receiving what I call “gifts of desperation,” where you find yourself frantically shopping the day before an event for some item in the right price range that will hopefully not cause its recipient to roll their eyes internally and then put it straight on the charity pile as soon as you leave.
One. Of. Us!
One. Of. Us!
The trick is knowing who’s a member of your non-gifting tribe and who isn’t, so that you can avoid giving offense. (For example, I will have to buy gifts for my MIL, who is a sweet lady, until death does us part. It’s just how she is. But I’m grateful for everyone who makes my life easier in this regard.)
This is really interesting to me. I wanted to do the same as the letter-writer at Christmas, and request charity donations instead of gifts. My partner talked me out of it, because he said it came off as sanctimonious or even smug – or even as a kind of bragging (“I’m doing so well I don’t even need your gifts!”) I am totally sure that’s not the spirit with which the letter-writer is going into this, but I wonder if some potential gift-givers are reading it this way, and getting put off.
@Laura, I think that’s just the risk anyone takes doing anything, whether it’s gifts for birthday or wedding or the way a wedding is set up, etc. Somebody somewhere will get all “Well, I NEVER” over something, and unfortunately you can’t always predict who will do this over what. I try to follow Miss Manners on this kind of thing: a gift is never required, but giving in the spirit of generosity toward people you care about is a wonderful thing, as long as you actually put thought into it and it doesn’t have a hidden agenda; people who feel insulted by this, well, they can just feel insulted. I know it’s not really that cut and dried, since you don’t want to hurt others’ feelings; but it’s the people who insist on being hurt that are rude.
I’m one of those apparently selfish people who genuinely enjoys spending a lot of time and effort (if not money) getting something for my friends and loved ones that I think they will like and appreciate but may not have thought of/justified buying for themselves. (I do try to take into account things like space and practicality, and definitely like the idea when it seems appropriate for the recipient of giving an EXPERIENCE, like a gift card to a restaurant plus an offer to babysit so they can have a date night or something like that.) On the flip side, I absolutely hate it when people ask me what I want. To me, a present you didn’t think of yourself and want to give me is just a waste of everyone’s time and money. I would honestly be happier with no gift, because to me, it is truly the thought that counts. And yes I am saying this after a really misguided Christmas season that had me driving probably 80% of my gifts to Goodwill the next day. But I still felt loved and appreciated, the givers felt happy and satisfied, and Goodwill got some nice donations. Fine by me.
A couple of thoughts I haven’t seen mentioned: As a thrifty shopper who knows how to stretch a dollar, I understand why people are saying that showcasing the amount you gave is an issue with donations to charity…but why then are gift cards so popular? I think the real heart of the issue is truly the “it doesn’t feel like a gift” aspect. Donors Choose (or other charities that do such things) GIFT CARDS are a great idea, because if you are giving someone the power to donate to something they choose, there’s an involvement level there that helps a bit with the “feeling like a gift” aspect. But it’s still a little unsatisfying to those of us who like to be creative.
I love, love, love the idea of the book party, though. Or some other more tangible thing where people still get to pick something out and feel some thoughtfulness, but your house doesn’t get filled with garbage. And barring that, just donating gifts you don’t want straight to good charities goes a long way anyhow, and preserves feelings all around.
I think another factor involved with this is possibly the charities that are chosen. Donors Choose is (to most people) a fine charity to give to, but I’m not sure that I would be comfortable giving money to something like PETA. I don’t hate animals or anything, I just don’t like PETA. Another good example is the Susan B Komen fiasco. I’m just not sure that I want my money going to an organization like that. Another thing to think about is that some people don’t always trust charities. I think we’ve all heard stories about organizations reaping in tons of money, but only a fraction of it going to the people or things it is supposed to.
I will strongly echo the idea of having a designated fundraising party. In Australia, one of the big annual breast cancer fundraisers is the ‘Girls’ Night In’: you host an at-home party for your friends, and everyone donates what they would normally spend if you went out. I love this idea because it’s fun and easy, but also because it’s low-stress on the givers: you’re dealing with your usual group and you’re not expected to give outrageous amounts, just what you’d normally spend on yourself for, say, dinner and drinks. Even in a small group of low-spenders, it’s not hard to collect $100, and that’s a significant amount to a lot of charities.
I used this idea in other ways too: I’d have huge replacement-Thanksgiving (not a holiday there) potlucks – 35-50 people – where I made the big-ticket main dishes and everyone else was asked to bring a side/dessert/drink and a $5 donation to a local charity. It was amazing how quickly those $5 added up to a significant sum, and my friends *loved* the whole thing.
These sorts of small events might be a way for Vanessa to get her friends and family involved in causes she cares about, while also taking some of the pressure off the gift-giving vs fundraising debate; and by keeping the requested donation to a small set value it removes the money-awkwardness: everyone’s giving the same; it’s an amount they can safely spare. It might also encourage her loved ones to donate instead of give a gift on other occasions if they see that this is a cause she’s connected to and has done other work for.
I love the idea of bringing a book to donate to charity! Or a toy! Or we have a couple of domestic violence shelters where the women would love to get some soaps or shampoos donated!
But it really gets me when I’m invited to a child’s birthday party and asked to donate to their school or whatever. Especially when said school is also our school and now any money I give is given to the school by The Magnanimous Family! Aren’t they clever?!
Maybe it’s on me and my own insecurities, but how simple would it be to ask for books for the schools library? Or other such items that schools always need?
Also? I would love to attend a party knowing my gift of a kitchen implement or bath salt went to a charity.
Obviously this has been stuck in my head for awhile…sorry for all the exclamation points.
Something I’ve noticed in a few of the comments and to a lesser degree in the letter is this idea of gifts being a burden. And I certainly understand the issues people can have with clutter, capitalism, pretending to like something they don’t, displaying that God-awful vase every time the MIL comes over, etc. But I suspect the vibe of “oh please don’t make me deal with your gift” may be coming through and that in itself is putting people off. Like another commenter said, it can seem a bit condescending, and no one wants to be made to feel that way when they’re trying to do something nice. Most people don’t want to be told *how* to do something nice, either — that comes off as condescending too. No one wants to hear even the hint of the suggestion that they’re an evil capitalist consumer while you’re a more highly evolved being who has moved beyond the concept of material gifts.
Again, I’m not saying that’s the intent of the letter writer or the commenters, I’m sure it’s not. But it can easily come off that way. Just another layer in the reason that some people may bristle at being told to donate vs. giving a gift.
Whatever the reason that people don’t seem to be on-board with the donation-as-present option, it’s clear that they’re not and it’s not likely that you’ll find some magic combination of words that will fix this. Another tack that achieves your same goal of avoiding presents you feel guilty getting rid of but don’t want to store is to ask for food/drink/consumable presents. When the boxes of knick-knacks and *stuff* from my mother-in-law became just too much, we started emphasizing how small our apartment was and how much we’d really, really appreciate experiential or consumable presents. Now, instead of a weird vase in the shape of a fish, we get a box of pears or chocolates for the holidays. We’re happy, and she’s happy as well–buying someone a bottle of wine or gift certificate to a local restaurant provides the same satisfaction as more permanent gifts. I think many of the people who can’t imagine donating to charity as a present would have little or no problem being gently encouraged to buy consumables instead.
In terms of why people are so resistant to donating to charity, one thought experiment is to think about how you’d feel if you had a friend who requested payments toward his or her mortgage in lieu of birthday or housewarming presents. If that would be at all offputting to you, it might be worth thinking through your reaction and seeing whether it’s possible that your request is triggering the same sort of emotional reaction in others. (Paying $50 towards a mortgage may well be the most useful and appreciated use of that money for some people, but many people–myself included–would balk at the idea of doing this as a present. It helps illustrate why “what makes the recipient happiest” isn’t necessarily what any gift-givers are trying to maximize.)
I second the asking for things to be donated for charity as opposed to money. My great-aunt had her eightieth birthday party with a request like that, and it went over really well.
I totally agree with Alison above, that for most people, they want to give YOU something. And I’m one of those people — no matter how much I value charity, I don’t want to donate to charity in lieu of giving a token of love / happiness to a friend. To me, a gift is an act of connection between two people. The exchange component of — from me directly to them — is part of that connection. Asking for donations to charity (to me) feels like it is stripping out that giver-givee connection.
I totally disagree with what Sars said about why people hesitate.
First, it implies an expectation that they must buy you a gift. Even if someone asks “what do you want / what can I get you,” that doesn’t mean they wouldn’t make you a gift or get what you want at a thrift store, etc.
Second, it is not a suggestion, it is a requirement. You are not saying “oh, a new hat would be nice,” you are saying “I only want a hat – otherwise don’t bother.”
Third, people who enjoy giving gifts don’t do it for the sake of giving, they do it because they want to make their loved one or friend happy. There’s nothing about opening an envelope with a “we’ve made a donation in your honor” card that will light your face up with delight. That’s not happening.
The sum of all of this suggests the following: “I don’t want your gift. Since you couldn’t buy me what I want anyway, take the money I’m sure you would have spent on me and donate it.”
“Something I’ve noticed in a few of the comments and to a lesser degree in the letter is this idea of gifts being a burden. And I certainly understand the issues people can have with clutter, capitalism, pretending to like something they don’t, displaying that God-awful vase every time the MIL comes over, etc. But I suspect the vibe of “oh please don’t make me deal with your gift” may be coming through and that in itself is putting people off.”
Yeah, I think this may be true. The intimation of “Oh my god, this jerk is giving me presents THE WRONG WAY” can appear bratty. Can’t you see the glass half-full?
“Our party guests either went all out and gave more than they would have spent on a gift or neither gave a gift nor gave to Donors Choose – I assume they thought we would never know.”
See, this smacks of score-keeping, which is one of the reasons some people don’t care for giving gifts with obvious dollar amounts.
In my family, we’ve always done lists for Christmas and birthdays, to give the buyer a better idea of what we might want (I know a lot of people think this isn’t in the right spirit, but it’s always worked for us). In the past few years, a few members of my family have started putting some sort of charity on their list for our Christmas exchange, and while I know it isn’t their intention, it can feel a little bit like they’re shaming the rest of us. That is, if my list has a DVD, a book, and a perfume I like, and the person I got in the exchange wants a donation to their local library, I feel like a materialistic asshole in comparison.
I thought I’d throw this out there because while I think it’s perfectly valid not to want more stuff, and to want to give to charity in lieu of stuff you might otherwise get, it doesn’t always allow the giver the same warm fuzzies getting YOU something would, and could even feel a little like a backhanded judgement, whether or not that’s your intention.
Looking at this thing from a slightly different angle, I’m wondering if Vanessa’s friends are anything like my family. They don’t ‘do’ charities; they are suspicious of charities, especially internet-based ones like Donors Choose. They assume they’re getting scammed somehow although they’re not quite sure why.
My dad is an amazingly charitable, community-oriented, Earth-conscious guy. He walks the walk in a big way: he was one of the founding members of a local non-profit, donated tons of his time (medical profession) to the less fortunate, fixes trails, volunteers at the thrift shop, you get the idea. So I thought he’d be delighted when I proposed trading charitable donations one Christmas. Nope. He was deeply hurt and offended. After some serious digging, I learned that he thought it was impersonal, that we were basically just trading money. Took a little time, but I do see his point, and can empathize with others who feel like a charitable donation is the emotional equivalent of cash in an envelope.
What I’m hearing from a lot of these comments is that etiquette around gift-giving seems to be, for a lot of people, more about protecting the feelings of the giver than actually making the receiver happy, and isn’t that a little backwards? Yes, no one wants to be told “your taste sucks” but can’t we be adult enough to acknowledge that we have different tastes, and something that would look lovely in my aunt’s home would look terribly out of place in mine?
I once received bags of groceries as a Christmas gift and was overwhelmed with joy, because I was broke and needed food much more than the electronic picture frame someone else sent me (and checked up on periodically, so I couldn’t return it). That might seem odd to people who want to imagine some physical item residing on my bookshelf and reminding me of them, but the memory of all those boxes of pasta and jars of nuts still makes me all warm and fuzzy (almost weepy), whereas thinking of the frame in my closet just makes me depressed.
A good gift comes from really knowing a person and what would make them happy, not projecting your own idea of happiness onto them. If it would make Vanessa happiest to think of all those school kids who had books and microscopes because she helped drive her friends to do something nice, her friends should respect that.
I give to charity but can’t stand people telling me where to donate my money. I can, and do, decide that myself thank you very much. Your request to donate in lieu of a ‘hostess gift’ would sit awkwardly with me because it comes across as both a) demanding a donation be made (this is not really in the spirit of charity, is it?) and b) as someone else mentioned it presumes a gift is expected. Which, while a polite guest does bring a small gift, a polite host does not say they are expecting one. Perhaps it’s different where you live – I am not in the US. The exception to this for me is donations (to a hospital or health charity) in lieu of flowers following a death.
I have started to resist charity requests from friends simply because I realised I was feeling manipulated into donating to the charities of their choice, and guilty if I didn’t donate. Now I temporarily increase my donation to my charities of choice when I get one of these requests. I don’t think there’s a polite way to say to the requester that I already make donations to X charities so as the requester you would not know this reason for my resistance.
I think the writer’s use of the phrase “solves the gift giving conundrum” says a lot. Since the writer doesn’t seem to see the charm or appreciate the sentimental nature of receiving gifts from friends and loved ones, I suspect that the writer is also not someone who enjoys giving gifts and sees it as a chore. Not to say the writer is uncaring etc., some people just don’t get into it. It’s clear the writer is frustrated at why people aren’t jumping on this no-fuss solution to a “problem” — probably because she herself would love nothing more than to write a check and forget it instead of giving gifts. Her friends and family don’t see a problem, much less need a solution and a dyed in wool gift-giver will never see cold hard cash as warm fuzzy cash. All the comments here are great explanations on WHY people don’t take her up on her offer, but the reason unifying most of them is that people don’t see gifts in the clinical way they see a business transaction, but rather a way of expressing affection, which can’t so easily be assigned a price.
I love the book party idea. I can see that working for all sorts of different charities, having people bring supplies that the recipient takes directly to the organization. I volunteered at an animal shelter through high school, and they were always in desperate need of things like cleaning supplies, paper towels, old blankets, printer paper, stuff like that. The dollar amount is still secret, the but the charity is getting some much-needed supplies so that they can spend their other cash donations on medical care or food or rent or whatever.
I think donating to charity can still be just as rewarding as handing someone an actual gift, though, depending on the person. My best friend is very passionate about a few causes, and she always asks for food donations for a local pantry instead of gifts. (Her family never does this for her because they think it doesn’t count. Instead, they get her things she is allergic to or can’t use, but her in-laws want to see the gifts out and in use, and they cry if she gets rid of them, and then her mom bitches at her for having too much stuff in the house. It makes my head hurt, and I don’t even live in the same state.) She actually would do that whole wide-eyed-excitement-it’s-exactly-what-I-wanted thing if she opened an envelop from a charity donation. She’s having Baby #3 soon, and I think I’m going to give a donation to some hunger organization in the baby’s name. She’s going to squeal into the phone and make my ears ring when she gets the card, and then she’s going to put it in the baby book. For some people, charity requests really do come from a place of passion, not a holier-than-thou attitude or disdain for the gifter’s taste or whatever, and they really do get excited about it. It’s a shame that there’s so much overthinking and taking offense that can go on when someone just wants to spread a little happiness.
I like the idea above about the Oxfam Unwrapped donations. Now I have to find someone who would appreciate the idea of having a toilet donated in their name. Or maybe some manure. I mean, how often do you get to send someone a birthday card with poop on the front and get a truly positive response?
Here’s a thought; next time choose a charity that has a need for actual goods (food, towels, etc. for a homeless shelter or dog /cat toys and goodies for the local humane society). That way, people can bring you actual “gifts” and you can donate them, saving your loved ones the solicitation hassle and the cash comparison stress.
I think people are very clear on the difference between a gift to a friend and a fundraising opportunity. I feel like most of us are so besieged by fundraisers these days. People hit us up harder and faster then ever before. Exhibit A: Facebook.
I’m going to go all radical here in the face of practicality and say: just be open to the gifts. You’re assuming they will always be crap, but you just never know when somebody’s going to give you the perfect little feather for your nest that you never knew you you’d always love. If not, Goodwill is more than happy to take it, and you can feel good about sending it out there.
Let my people GIVE!
Addy, I certainly see your point, and of course a good gift is one that the giver knows the receiver actually wants. I love food gifts myself and tend to give them too. And also, I think it’s pretty tacky to “check up” on a gift other than to confirm receipt if it was mailed and no acknowledgment was received. So in your shoes I’d feel free to donate that frame. Tell her you took it to work, or that it fell off the shelf and broke. Or just tell her the truth: “I don’t have room to display it so I donated it. That way someone can get some use out of such a nice frame.”
That said, this is what jumped out at me in your response: “… she helped drive her friends to do something nice…”
I think many people would bristle at the suggestion that they need to be told how to do something nice. They already think they are being nice by giving a gift, however misguided it may be. It should be accepted in that spirit. That said, I think many people have posted excellent suggestions to guide future gift-giving options for the letter-writer without making the gift-givers feel like jerks. Which, as you point out, can seem a bit backwards, but at the same time it’s just part of living in the world and not causing unnecessary hurt feelings when someone is, in fact, trying to be nice.