Hi Sars!

Yours is the funniest advice column I’ve ever read, and the only one with
advice I would really consider taking.

So, here goes my problem, or rather something that I’ve had on my heart for
some time.

I have a friend, let’s call her Cate. Cate’s one of my all-time best friends,
lovely, loyal, supportive and generally a great person to have in one’s life.

For the past couple of years or so, Cate’s been in a relationship with a guy
whom we shall call Dude.
I don’t know Dude very well, we all study at the same university (or should I
say college, we’re from outside U.S.) and I’ve met him socially many times and
talked with him somewhat, but we’ve just never gotten to know each other any
deeper.

At first, Cate and Dude’s relationship seemed idyllic and they were very much
in love. However, about an year ago Cate began complaining about their
relationship. Now, they’re still together, but I have heard the complaints at
an increasing rate for over an year. I thought I’d make a list of all that she
has told me (remember, I really only know these things from her):

Dude smokes pot about every third day, drinks quite a lot (this I’ve seen
myself), and has been and is going to continue experimenting with other
substances like GBH and “magic mushrooms”

Dude’s use of aforementioned substances has been increasing and he has been
unwilling to cut down on his use, even though Cate dislikes him using

Dude is unreliable, stands her up all the time, tries to wriggle out of
course assignments he’s promised to do (I know he has pissed other people off
with this)

Dude’s pissed off when Cate got a great summer job and tells her she’s
bragging, but he has not even tried to find himself a job and plans to spend
the summer smoking pot and living off his folks

Dude flirts with other girls even though Cate has told him it makes her
uncomfortable, and during an on/off stage in their relationship he tried to
sleep with another girl but apparently was too heavily on drugs to, ahem, make
it work (eww, thanks for sharing this with me…)

Dude is immature and acts childish (this I’ve seen myself) if he doesn’t get
his way, and most of their hanging out and going places happens on his terms

So, the grand total of this is that she constantly complains about their
relationship. She has bad-mouthed Dude to such extent that I’ll never have the
chance to get to know him, because when I get within slapping distance of him,
my hands start itching to give him a good one…

She says she’s miserable and
in “relationship hell.” Everyone, her friends (me too), family, even his
friends, have told her that if she feels that way, she should dump his sorry
ass.

Even people that really know him, like his friends, seem to think that her
complaints are genuine, i.e. he has a substance abuse problem and is an
irresponsible and immature loser who uses his little-boy charm to get his way.

She talks about dumping him, but basically she always sighs and says “but I
still love him” and “I know he loves me and we talked and he said he doesn’t
want to lose me,” and doesn’t do anything. Until next rough patch and “if he
does this/that, I’ll dump him.”

So, my question is: WHY THE HELL SHE DOESN’T DUMP HIM AND GET OVER IT ALREADY!
I know (from experience) that it’s hard and scary and so on. But basically,
everyone around her a) feels she is going to harm herself more and more by
being with Dude, and should stop (she’s had self-esteem issues and has
recovered from a mild eating disorder), b) is running out of patience. It’s
hard to listen to same complaints over and over again and offer advice and
sympathy when it doesn’t lead to anything positive.

I believe in people taking control of their lives and changing it, because
nobody else can do it for them. I love her, but sometimes I wonder if she
continues the relationship partially because of the drama and attention, or if
she doesn’t really want to leave him and doesn’t care about his behaviour, but
somehow feels she should because of what others think.

But I don’t know what to do and say anymore. I’ve begun to really despise and
hate Dude after all I’ve heard, and I want more than anything that Cate would
not hurt herself any more in this and would become happy. But I’ve also been
pissed off by some drama-queeny behaviour that she’s blamed on the
relationship problems, and I’m out of good advice. I just want to
scream: “Dump his ass already or if you want to be with him, shut your trap, I
cannot take much more of this!”

So, do you think Dude sucks or not? It becomes hard to see clearly when you
hear so much of a person you don’t really know.
What do you think she really thinks about this mess?
And what should I do or say? Can I help her in any way, and what should I do
about my frustration over this?

Sign me,
Already Sighing and I’ve Not Even Started on My Own Problems

Dear Sighing,

It’s time to speak a bit more plainly to Cate about the issue, I think — to tell her how you feel about Dude’s treatment of her, that you don’t like it, that you don’t like seeing her so unhappy and that, while you completely understand how hard it is to let go of something or someone you love, you think it’s time for her to face the facts about the guy. Who is a stoner, who cheated on her. It’s pretty clear the guy is a schmuck.

The issue here is that she doesn’t see it, or doesn’t want to do anything about it, and once you’ve made it plain that you support her decisions and everything up to a point but you don’t like the guy, you have to start changing the subject. Let Cate whine and complain about Dude for a few minutes; ask what she’s going to do; when she equivocates and whines that she doesn’t know, say “okay then” and change the subject. Do it every time she brings Dude up. If she’s getting drama-queeny because of some aggro with Dude, call her on it; remind her that you, as her friend, have feelings too and you don’t appreciate her taking a flyer on that because she’s having relationship problems that, really, she could have solved a dozen times over by dumping this flaccid asshat.

Partly, this is about trying to get Cate to understand that, although listening and sympathizing and offering help is what friends are for, even friends have their limits, and when you’re constantly on Dude Patrol, it starts to feel less like a friendship and more like a hotline. But it’s also about trying to get her to see that he really does suck — that the situation is bad and that she deserves better. Sometimes it takes a friend saying, “Look, you are always in tears about this guy and if you can’t put that together, you’re an idiot” to get people to see the simple truths.

Hey Sars,

What’s your opinion of non-Southerners using the expression “y’all”? A couple
times in your essays and Vine responses I’ve noticed that you use “you-all”; is
this acceptable usage? For instance, in an old essay, you wrote: “If you were
Alvin and your outfit were Simon, these shoes would be your-all’s Theodore.”

Thanks!

Only a Northern Girl

Dear Yankee,

Well, if I’m using it, then evidently I think it’s fine, and acceptable usage. So…I don’t think I understand the question. English lacks a distinct second-person plural, and I think “y’all” is more universal now than it used to be, so it’s really no longer the exclusive province of Southerners.

Looking at “your-all’s” now, I’m not convinced that it’s correct, but “you-all’s” would sound weird. Still, that’s an issue of using the possessive correctly, not of being from New Jersey.

Dear Sars,

I have been dating a wonderful man for almost eight years. I love him madly, and am confident that he loves me equally in return. During our first couple of years together, he hinted at wanting to marry me. When I asked if it was okay for us to wait until I got some distance from my very recent divorce, he said, “What matters to me is that we get married at the right time.”

After three or four years, I more or less proposed to him. He agreed, and I was very happy. For about a day. But he wouldn’t discuss details, and didn’t seem to want to tell anyone, and when I called him on it, he admitted that he was afraid of the compromises and lifestyle changes marriage represented, and he wasn’t ready. I was devastated. I had gotten used to thinking that we were just waiting on me — that it was a done deal on his end. He concluded by saying that he wasn’t backing out completely, but he just wasn’t ready yet.

Maybe I should have cut him loose right then. But did I mention that I love him madly? I thought there was no harm in waiting a while. I reminded myself that I had just freed myself from an unhappy marriage — why not just enjoy my independence for awhile? I love my condo, I love being home alone sometimes. I have two kids who had already acquired a stepmom and step-siblings — I thought it was good for them to not have to adjust to a stepdad as well. I’ve become expert at finding reasons why it’s okay that I’m still waiting for this to be resolved.

Years pass. I begin to understand that he will never want to get married. When I try to get him to admit this, he is evasive, and says things like, “Don’t give up hope. Wait a little longer.” But he never explains what we’re waiting for. I usually drop the conversation at this point because I’m afraid of where it goes. I believe that in his heart he knows he won’t marry me, but is afraid to admit it, to himself and to me, because he doesn’t want us to break up over it. I don’t either.

I spent a couple of years trying to do it his way; he with his own place, me with mine, we do some things together, some things apart. I know this works for some people, for years and years. But I’m just not happy. I want the security of marriage (or even living together). I want the assumptions you can make about a marriage relationship that you can’t (or I can’t, anyway) about a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. I want to plan for the future together.

I’ve had enough of waiting, of him getting the relationship he wants, while I feel like I’m settling for less than what I want. I think I’m ready to have the Big Talk, and not let it go until we’ve done the hard parts. And now I’m finally getting to my question for you. It is not “should I break up with him?” It’s about a vacation we are taking two months from now.

It’s a fabulous, outdoor-adventure vacation that we’ve been planning for over a year. We have purchased plane tickets, permits, and new gear totaling over $1,500. It’s a trip that would be difficult to do alone, or to find others to do it with me. I’ve been reluctant to have the Big Talk before the vacation, because I don’t want to ruin it. But it’s starting to feel really uncomfortable to hold it back, as well.

So my questions are, first, what’s your take on the situation? This guy’s not gonna marry me, is he? And second, what should I do? Should I just spill it, and hope that, if we do break up, we can at least stay friendly enough to do the trip? Or, having kept my mouth shut for so many years, should I suck it up for a couple more months so we can enjoy our trip? And then what? “Hey, that was fun. Oh, by the way, we need to talk.” Yeah. Both options suck.

Signed,
How can it be so right, and still be so damn wrong?

Dear Beats Me,

No, he isn’t. You know he isn’t. Why would he? He knows he doesn’t have to, that you’ll stick around and accept the status quo because you don’t want to risk losing him. But is this any better? Obviously it isn’t, or you wouldn’t have written to me.

I don’t think you should take the trip together, because no matter when you have the talk, it’s going to cast a pall over any fun you’re trying to have, even if it’s in retrospect. As a veteran of a couple of waits Through The Holidays To See How Things Go, trust me, relationship issues don’t just take a break for big events and busy times of year. If anything, they get more intense.

Talk to him, now. Tell him what you just told me. Give him some time to sit with it and decide, but make it clear that you do expect a decision, that more vagueness on the order of “I’m not ready” isn’t going to get it done, and that you love him, but that’s no longer enough.

It won’t work. He doesn’t want to marry you. He’s had eight years to “learn” to want to, and it hasn’t happened; the trip isn’t just a trip, it’s a way to try to bond him to you, and if that were going to happen at the level you want it to, it would have. Ask for what you want, and when you don’t get it, move on. I know you love him, but if he won’t commit, he won’t, and you’ll have to let him go so that you can find someone else to love. Get it over with.

Dear Sars,

A couple of months ago new neighbors moved into the house next door. Other
than the occasional wave or head-nod, we have not spoken to each other. For
the last week, a beautiful white long-haired cat (with no collar) has been
hanging around my house. She comes in through the cat door onto the back
porch, eats some kibble, drinks some water, and generally hangs out. I
don’t mind this at all and, since it’s cold, I’m glad I can provide a place
for her to get in out of the weather.

But I don’t know if she is a stray or if she belongs to the neighbors. I’ve
seen her in their yard before and I can see what looks like a litterbox on
the back stoop (like they cleaned it out and never took it back inside). If
she does belong to the neighbors, they have been neglecting her for a while.
Sars, this cat is in pitiable shape. She is thin and it looks like she has
not been brushed in months. Her fur is covered in mats the size of my
fists, all down her sides and her tail. I have been trying to cut them out
with scissors but it is too far gone. She must be in pain because she
growls and hisses when I try to cut them.

My only other thought of how to help her is to take her to to a vet or
groomers who willl sedate her and shave all her fur off (it’s that bad). If
I do this, I will need to keep her inside for the rest of the winter until
her fur grows out.

My question is: Do I go ahead and take her to the vet and essentially
cat-nap her? Or do I approach the neighbors with what are basically
accusations of animal neglect/abuse and risk them claiming her then
continuing to mistreat her? I have three cats of my own and, although I’m
not especially looking for a fourth, I can’t bear to see one not taken care
of and will adopt her if need be. Thanks for your advice, Sars.

Signed,
Love Cats but Not the “Cat-Lady” Schtick

Go over to the neighbors’ and ask if she’s their cat. Mention, as pointedly as you can without accusing them outright of anything, that she spends a lot of time on your porch, and because she’s always hungry and always outside, you weren’t initially sure whether she was a stray, but you thought you would ask them. Just in case.

It’s possible that this will shame them into taking better care of her; it’s also possible that she isn’t their cat. But if she is their cat, and they continue ignoring her, you might consider cat-napping her, taking her to the vet, telling the vet she’s a stray (which she basically is, so it’s not a huge lie), and asking if the vet can find a home for her because you’re all full up at your house. If the neighbors ask whether you’ve seen her, shrug. You haven’t. She’s at her new home, with people who don’t think pets are furniture.

It’s kind of a project, and you might not feel entirely comfortable with it, but if you’re wary of accusing your neighbors of neglect, this is the best way to get the cat the proper care without riling them up. And if she’s always over at your house, it’s not like they’ll miss her, so…

Sars,

Due to a kinda excessive (martyr-ish) fear of being “presumptuous” I’m
sometimes kind of resistant to taking a clue when it comes to people’s
feelings about me, so I mostly err on the side of caution and wait for the
other person to move first.

The problem is, I spent the last few months flirting with this guy in the
department I work in, but dating other people (mostly lame-asses whose
primary recommendation was that, unlike him, they’d ask me out). He knew
about some of them who I mentioned in passing, but I didn’t ever make it
clear that they were a waste of my time (though periodically I’d announce my
imminent plans to become a spinster, equipped with lawn ornaments and
ungroomed cats). Alternately, I’d give what I feel would be indications that
I’m attracted to this guy; in retrospect, I can see a scenario in which he
has no idea what the hell I feel, because 1. both of us have pretty
sardonic, deadpan senses of humor — he mentioned at least once that he
never knew when I was serious or not; and 2. to be fair, I had a lot of
unrelated stuff going on in the last couple of months, including a wretched
experience where I was possibly drugged and definitely taken advantage of
(something I’ve been working on but that left me not really prioritizing
dating or guys).

At this point, I haven’t seen this guy in something like six weeks, as I had
a longish vacation visiting my family and between classes and work I haven’t
been around the office as much. But while I figured I’d kind of get over
him, not seeing him’s kind of made a point of how much I like him. I’m not
really sure how he feels, and I’m wary of a tendency I have to dismiss
things as hopeless out of fear. So my question is: should I wait it out and
hope we run into each other again and just try to be more clear, or drop him
an email or something somewhat more direct. I did email him wanting to hang
out at the very end of last semester, and he said he couldn’t; but to be
fair, it was finals week and he was legitimately swamped, and I had totally
phrased it as a casually inviting myself over.

So…yeah. I didn’t expect to feel as strongly about this guy as I do; I
wish I’d been more direct; I’m crazy about him, but I’m embarrassed that I
do like him as much as I do; moreover, I don’t want to come on too strong
and make him feel uncomfortable. I guess I feel like people often take for
granted that I want their attention when I don’t, and I don’t want to do
that here. Add that to general fraidy-catness, and I’m kind of spinning my
wheels. What do you think?

Thanks,
Donna Quixote

Dear DQ,

Just ask him out for coffee already. If he says no, question answered. I think you’ve let this go too long already without any resolution, and it’s becoming This Big Thing in your mind. Resolve it already, and if he’s into it, great, but if he’s not, you’ll get over it.

Awkwardness is a part of life, like the common cold. A cold never killed anyone; neither did dealing with some social discomfort. You can do this, and should.

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