The Vine: February 10, 2006
Hi there, Sars —
About six years ago, I got baptised, having never previously been a member of any church or religion. It was the culmination of a lot of soul-searching, research, and eventual realization of my faith.
Here’s the thing. With only a few exceptions, all my family and friends are staunchly non-religious. My parents are agnostic, my husband is an atheist, most of my close friends fall into one of those two categories. My husband’s family — all (except stepmom) are staunchly non-religious.
But wait. See, I do not have a problem with this. I became member of the Episcopal church, and I firmly believe that everyone’s beliefs and opinions are to be respected even if you don’t necessarily agree with them (NYC Episcopalian, you see, for the most part we’re a pretty open-minded group). I have never, ever, EVER tried to “convert” my friends/family, I don’t try to get them to go to church with me, I do not engage in religious arguments with them, I simply decided to do this as a totally personal thing.
The problem is my family and friends basically think I’ve lost my mind and become some kind of a religious looney. Okay, they’ve calmed down over the years, but every time I go to church or mention anything vaguely related to something about my church (example: “Where did you get that cute sweater, Amy?” “My friend Laura.” “Laura? Who’s that?” “A friend from my Mom’s group.” “Ooohh, that CHURCH group. Is that, like, a religious sweater or something? Ha ha.”).
When I was preparing for my baptism, I let people know about it. At first my parents asked me questions like “Honey, do you know what you are doing?”, but in the end my folks asked ME if they could come to the event, as did my then-fiance, and eventually the whole extended family ended up attending. I did not want to make people feel like they HAD to come, but certainly was happy they offered.
Well, the ceremony was very long (longer than even I expected) and the church was really cold (April in NY), and when it was over and we went out to “celebrate,” the majority of the conversation was about how long, how boring, how freakin’ cold it was et cetera. My mother-in-law (also atheist, also a little freaked by my choice) was there and was apparently getting sick, and after that she came down with pneumonia. I was very sorry to hear she got so sick. I too thought the ceremony was long, and the church was cold, BUT THEY WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT IT. Seriously, six years later, every April, I get to hear about how horrible that experience was for everyone. My mother’s toes were practically frostbitten! Maureen got pneumonia! That bishop went on for 25 minutes!
I have, so far, simply ignored it. I recognize that at least for my parents, this is part of a larger issue of letting go of their (37-year-old) kid — I pushed them away, big-time, for most of my life and only over the last ten years have I worked hard at rebuilding my relationship with them.
I love these people. I believe I understand their point of view. I certainly respect their beliefs and their intellects — my folks especially are incredibly bright, well-read, well-educated people. I just want them to show a little respect for my beliefs, but I don’t want to get into a Huge Discussion about it. I know I need to say something but for once my ability to think of the right thing is eluding me.
One thing of major note: My husband, who is such a staunch atheist that his army dog tags listed “atheist” under religion — this man has TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY supported me, has never once said anything like the above comments from family/friends, and sat patiently and without complaint through my baptism. The only thing he said to me after that was “congratulations” and “wow, was that, like, the head of the NY Diocese? Cool for you, huh?” (said without sarcasm, he was actually pleased for me).
It’s just the rest of them I can’t seem to handle. Sometimes I think I should just stop whining to myself about it and let it go and try to just let it roll off my back, but really, I think I need to push back a little. Thoughts?
Amy, the brainwashed religious freak of the century
Dear Moonie,
It does strike me that, after six years, either you’d have learned to let it roll off or you’d have said something already. If you were undergoing this conversion now, or it had just happened a year ago, yeah, I’d tell you to say something — on an individual basis rather than in a group, probably, just letting people know that the whole “that bishop was so BORING” thing is kind of rude given that 1) you get it already, damn, and 2) it was an important day for you which they’re kind of insistent on slagging, so if they could just leave it, you’d appreciate it.
But after six years, if it’s just teasing? I don’t know. Members of my family still tease me for giving a boyfriend of mine The Encyclopedia Shatnerica for Christmas. It’s an awesome book, for starters, but also, that boyfriend and I broke up…six years ago. He’s married now. But that’s family for you. I get teased for shit I said in the seventies; it’s old, but it doesn’t come from a mean place, so whatever, you know?
That said, if you still really can’t stand it, take it on a person-by-person basis. Tell them you’re fine with them not “getting” it, but you’ve never tried to make them get it, either, and in return, you’d appreciate it if the person in question could maybe leave off with the church-sweater comments, or reminisce about another too-cold venue he’s frequented instead of harping on the baptism one.
But I can tell you right now, they’re going to think you’re too sensitive, and then you’re going to get the elaborate “or am I not allowed to TALK ABOUT CHURCH TO YOU”-type comments every time someone says “oh my God” in passing, so honestly, I think you’re better off going to Custom Glam Girl.com, making yourself a t-shirt that says “I got this at church, you heathen mofos,” and owning the joke. It’s just less aggro, taken together, I think.
Dear Sars,
I really admire your common sense, and I have a couple of questions I hope you can help me with.
Both questions stem from two progressively bad pregnancies during which I was afflicted with a condition called Hyperemesis Gravida. For the non-Latin speaking types, I had excessive vomiting during pregnancy. And no, before anyone mentions anything about saltines, or how bad their morning sickness was and they threw up at least three times a day, it’s not like that. Hyperemesis is morning sickness on steroids. I was throwing up three times an hour. For several hours. With the first pregnancy it lasted six months, with the second it lasted all nine months — which I thankfully do not fully recall thanks to the drug haze I was in from the meds I was taking to stop the vomiting.
At any rate, what these two pregnancies taught me were some really good coping methods; methods which my friends, family and caregivers told me I should write about because it might really help other women with this condition. Well, that’s great advice, but where does one start? I know that there is a limited market for this type of information –- pregnancy and parenting magazines, but I thought a person would need an agent to submit? And do magazines really just take articles from the average person?
The second part of my question deals with the aftermath of the pregnancies. My body is just not what it used to be. I know that would be fairly obvious to most people, and nutritionally it is going to take me about six more months to recover from the Hyperemesis, but it’s the other things. After Baby #1 I got back into really good shape. Like, you couldn’t tell I’d had a baby type of shape. (Thank you Tae Bo!) Now after Baby #2, there are things sagging and bagging like you wouldn’t believe! I feel like I’m too young to look like this, so I’m exercising and crossing my fingers and hoping for the best, but until then there is the issue of being around my husband like this. He is awesome and claims I’m still sexy to him but the problem is I’m so disgusted with how I look that I have trouble even thinking about having sex. And I have all sorts of rules about it now that I didn’t before. Like I can’t be fully unclothed, and it needs to be dark, etc. etc. Is this normal? Do I need therapy or just a kick in the ass? How can my husband possibly find me attractive this way? How do I get my sex drive back when looking at my stretch marks seems to kill it?
Used to have a rockin’ ass, now just have a floppin’ ass
Dear Flopsy,
…Okay, I’m still way back on the fact that, after barfing like an Exorcist touring production the first time, you did it again. I’m absolutely not judging you, by the way. I just hate and fear vomiting so profoundly that I plain cannot imagine the heroic “no nutrition, no problem!” mindset required there.
Okay, medal ceremony over. I hope your health is okay and your little ones are in good form; let’s get to the questions.
Magazines: I don’t have much experience with querying magazines in terms of actually getting work accepted, but my advice is to go to the magazine stand in Borders and grab every parenting and women’s-health mag there is. (If you don’t feel quite so spendy, bring a notepad and make notes there in the store.) Make a list of the kinds of pregnancy/health/healthy pregnancy articles you see, or, like, the “it happened to me”-type of pieces in Glamour et al. Look at how they’re written, where they appear in the book, how frequent they seem to be vs. other types of articles. See who’s who on the masthead.
Then grab a copy of Writer’s Market (this one you should buy, probably, but you can get a slightly older one for cheap on Half.com — you don’t need the mag info so much as the general guidelines in the front, which tend to stay the same from edition to edition). Follow their guidelines for query letters, and send out a few feelers. You’ll want to pitch a specific article about your experience, with a couple of short, well-structured paragraphs that talk about what you’ll discuss, experts you’d like to consult, and so on.
Magazines don’t require agented submissions, but they also tend to keep assignments in-house, or with freelancers they know, because it’s just more reliable, but it’s not impossible to get a placement if you know your audience and you do it in a professional manner.
As for your changing body…none of us has the ass we had at 19. It’s an unfortunate fact of life. Focus on keeping healthy, pick a workout you like that keeps things reasonably toned (plus, you have two kids…I’m thinking your cardio’s covered, at least at bathtime), and try to believe your husband. You might consider going to a couple of counseling sessions, because I can see where you might have different body issues than the run-of-the-mill “damn, what happened, boobs?” post-pregnancy stuff; your body kind of actively betrayed you during your pregnancies, so maybe you want to learn some strategies for making your peace with that…and maybe you want to talk also about managing your stress, which can stomp your sex drive flat.
But try to feel good about things, too. I mean, you body tried to bust up your play, but you won. Your husband still digs your chili, and you have a great little family now. I’d have barfed once and demanded that someone kill me, never mind labor (…twice!); take pride in your accomplishment, because what you did ain’t easy. That floppin’ ass did a lot, lady.
Dear Name Twin,
My boyfriend, who I love and have been with for a year and a half, only
brushes his teeth once a day. Perhaps this seems a petty problem, but as
someone who finds good oral hygiene important, it has become quite the
tooth ache for me. Ahem.
When we first started dating, I didn’t notice because we didn’t often
sleep over at each other’s places and I assumed that, as someone who can
afford a toothbrush and toothpaste, he was brushing morning and night.
Needless to say, he is not and I am repulsed by this. I kiss this man!
Since discovering the problem, we have had many talks, some that have
turned into fights, about his oral hygiene habits. We have been through
it all. He brushes only at night (imagine! At least brush in the
morning!) and claims he doesn’t need to brush in the morning because he
hasn’t eaten anything in the course of the night. I have retorted with
information from dentists and experts. He is unmoved. I have tried to
get him to brush by joking, by scolding, by withholding kisses. He
thinks I do it on principle alone and can’t tell whether he’s brushed or
not. I can tell, and it’s disgusting.
I have taken to asking him whether or not he has brushed his teeth. I
feel like his mother in this respect and it’s not pleasant, but he
leaves me no choice. I have told him that his refusal to brush twice a
day is disrespectful to me since I spend intimate time with his mouth.
He doesn’t see it that way, because they are his teeth.
I am at the point where I refuse to kiss him with my tongue if he hasn’t
brushed. This often gets him to brush his teeth, but the fact remains
that he doesn’t do it of his own volition or as a regular practice. Only
when I complain.
Other than this, things are great with us (meaning I’m not going to
break up with him because he doesn’t brush) but I’m really at a loss. Am
I on the right track? Should I let it go? How can I get a grown man to
learn what most of us did in first grade?
Sincerely,
Wishing her Boyfriend’s Last Dentist Appointment had Revealed Tooth Rot
Just to Teach him a Lesson
Dear Sarah,
“How can I get a grown man to
learn what most of us did in first grade?” You don’t. It’s not your job. You’ve already made it clear that his cazh approach to brushing grosses you out, but he’s still not going to change, so: that’s it. Find a way to live with it, or break up with him.
“But –” No. You do actually “have a choice” regarding bossing him like a mama, namely not doing it, and since it isn’t having any effect, it’s now on you to decide whether this is something you can live with. He already knows you won’t kiss him with tongue if he hasn’t brushed, so…either you don’t kiss with him tongue, or you don’t have morning sex at all ever again, or you find some other way to incorporate this one annoying aspect of him into your life, or you think it’s a deal-breaker and you move on.
I mean, I agree with you, but whether I agree with you doesn’t matter. He doesn’t. End of story.
I recently attended a rally in New Orleans on the day President Bush breezed thru the Garden District,one of the few parts of town that had no flooding. (I still have no power at my house, missing two insurance checks that don’t come in our once-a-week mail delivery, and the entire contents of my bottom floor has been sitting on the curb for pick-up for six weeks, but Georgie-Porgie thinks we’re making lots of progress, doing great). Most people carried signs about levee building and coastal restoration (we were told it was a NON-political rally), but the rebel in me busted out like the 17th Street Canal.
Later, when I was seen on the news, the Hub informed me that my sign was grammatically incorrect. Well, I agree, sort of; I was doing a riff. My sign said, “My president went to New Orleans and all I got was some lousy promises.”
Did I come off like a graduate of Louisiana schools? Can such errors be played off as creative license?
Waiting for your answer, and I bet it comes before FEMA,
Trixie
Dear You’re Doing A Great Job Down There, Signie,
It’s not grammatically correct — but it’s a play on the phrase “and all I got was this lousy t-shirt,” which is not as clear if you edit it for subject/verb agreement. I’d have gone with your version (and told my husband not to be such a pill).
Hello! I have a question for you in your capacity as a Manhattan
expert, if you want to put it on The Vine that would be fine, but its just
a quickie. There is a possibility that I will be doing an internship next
year at a VCA animal hospital in Manhattan (5th Avenue Veterinary
Specialists, if you know it). My question is, how feasible is it to live in
a surrounding borough and work in Manhattan? Is the commute that hellish?
I’m from Boston and did the subway a lot, so I’m used to that, but I wanted
to get a New Yorker’s perspective on it. Any tips/advice you may have would
be greatly appreciated!
M
Dear M,
It’s a lot more feasible on a vet’s salary than living in Manhattan, that’s for sure; in fact, I’d say it’s almost the rule and not the exception that folks with jobs in Manhattan come in from elsewhere in the city, because the longer train ride can mean you’re saving $800 a month in rent.
As for the length of the commute, that depends on what you consider “hellish.” I would say anything over 45 minutes door-to-door is not ideal, but the trick is to figure out which train goes to your place of work; pick a neighborhood in Brooklyn and Queens where either that same train, or an express version, goes; and try to live there. From where I am in Brooklyn, I could get to your work in about half an hour, tops, by going downstairs, getting on an M/R, changing to an N/Q one stop later, and arriving at Union Square. You could also live in an L neighborhood, a 4/5 neighborhood…your workplace is really close to a big subway hub that has express trains coming through, so I think you’re fine.
I would try not to live in Queens, because with that destination, it’s a longer trip than from Brooklyn, but if you like to read, go for it.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette grammar NYC the fam
