The Vine: February 11, 2003
Dear Sars:
Normally, I would be cheering you all the way and I love your advice, but right now, I’m so mad I can hardly breathe. I’m furious that you were so flip and rude to the person who wrote to you about the killer teen driver. Did you not take note that this kid killed a husband and father, that he killed two other teens, that he probably thought it was a big laugh to have fake ID and a ton of beer in his new BMW? And now, rather than have it hit home that he is dead FOREVER to those teens in his hometown who are thinking that this is a very glamorous way to die — you get to have all your friends cry over you and write sad poems and light candles (’til they forget about you and go to the next party, where they will use their fake IDs to buy beer and then get behind the wheel of their over-powered cars), he is being granted early sainthood.
Where I live (Vancouver, Canada), we have a terrible problem with entitled teens in high-powered, expensive cars street-racing and killing innocent bystanders, including a young, well-respected police officer. Just this past week, two who killed an innocent woman out for a walk got a slap on the wrist and our whole province is outraged. The very same day, an elderly couple’s car was sliced in two by a 19-year-old going over 100 miles per hour, who said that they were at fault because they “should have been watching out for themselves.” An 17-year-old was featured on the front page of Saturday’s paper laughing with his high school friends because he had been ticketed by the police for going 125 mph in his father’s new Mercedes. Nearly a dozen young men (ages 15-21) died over the course of a few short months due to speeding and driver inexperience.
Don’t you get it, Sars? It is an outrage that these kids are glorified when they die. Enraged wasn’t being a crank — he/she was expressing a justified outrage that more isn’t being done to make kids understand that you can’t behave in such an irresponsible manner and, even in death, have all be forgiven just because you are young and foolish. Yes, he paid a terrible price, but the loved ones of the innocent man who died paid a much higher price.
I’m very sorry for this young man’s parents. I have lost two younger siblings to sudden death — believe me, I understand pain and loss. But you were way too harsh with Enraged — the community has to remember the actions of this young man and remember that a child will grow up without a father because of them. We owe it to the young people who are watching to see what happens as a consequence not to let his death be romanticized — it’s ugly and brutal and it definitely doesn’t make you a hero.
Still a devoted (although a little disillusioned) reader
Dear Disillusioned,
Let me ask you something — what would you suggest Enraged do? Seriously. What’s your solution? Because I don’t see an answer to Enraged’s question in your response. Enraged asked me, and I quote, “What is appropriate for me to do to this end?” and I stand behind my answer. If Enraged feels that teens driving under the influence is a serious issue in his community — and it’s a serious issue in every community — he needs to get involved with organizations that try to put a stop to it.
The dead teen in question is…dead. It’s really not possible to punish him any further. Yes, Enraged’s town could make a point of indicting him posthumously for the carelessness of his actions, but whom does that help, exactly? Does it help his parents? His parents not only suffered the loss of a child, but must also live with the fact that they raised a child who showed zero respect for, and then ended, the lives of others — believe me, they know what he did. Does it help the loved ones of the other man killed? I suppose an acknowledgment by the community at large of the injustice they’ve suffered might assuage their grief somewhat, but it doesn’t bring him back, so — no, not really. Does it help the community itself? Most teens already understand that driving drunk is dangerous and a bad idea, and the ones in Enraged’s town already understand that drunk driving killed the kid, his friends, and an innocent bystander; vilifying the kid when he’s not around to hear it isn’t going to change any minds. So, again, no.
I assure you, I “get it.” I categorically agree that the kid was an arrogant moron, and if he had lived, he should have spent the rest of his life in jail thinking that over, but as far as kids that age go, I have to say that you don’t really seem to “get it” yourself. First of all, kids don’t engage in that kind of dangerous behavior thinking that they’ll achieve heroism or sainthood in death; they engage in it because the possibility of death doesn’t occur to them in the first place. It leads to the same results, of course, and it certainly doesn’t excuse those results, but if you want to bitch about “entitled teens,” you should know a bit more about how they think (or, sadly, sometimes don’t think). And that leads me to my next point, namely that drunk driving is hardly the exclusive province of those in the 13-19 age range. I tried to address that bias in Enraged’s letter, because I got the sense that he had more of a bone to pick with the lionization of teens in his community generally than that of the specific reckless kid he cited. Teens frequently act like delinquent fuckwads…but even more frequently, they actually don’t.
Don’t misunderstand me — I’m not out to give the dead kid a free pass here. He and his self-absorption killed people. I’m not out to let his community off the hook either; the town, or the school system, or his parents should have taken better and more thorough steps and set firmer boundaries to teach that kid and his peers that drunk driving is unacceptable. But that horse is well out of the barn, unfortunately. What happened is horribly tragic and unfair, and it’s hard to know what to do with that kind of grief and injustice, especially when the person to blame is dead and everyone is tiptoeing around his actions as a result; on some levels, it does seem like a devaluation of the lives of the innocent. But fulminating about the stupidity of teenagers and their “high-powered, expensive cars” says a lot more about your prejudices than it does to address the problem itself. It doesn’t bring anybody back. It doesn’t educate the surviving young people about the perils of drunk driving; it doesn’t give them options or support. I still feel that the “appropriate” reaction for Enraged is to get involved with the cause — give speeches at local schools, get involved with a national organization devoted to drunk-driving prevention, found a service that offers the underage kids in the community who drink a safe and sober ride home no questions asked — anything that takes positive steps to prevent awful tragedies like that one from happening again.
Sars,
Here’s my unique problem. I hope you’re not too squicked out.
My father is threatening to come visit me in the next few months. Now,
generally, this wouldn’t be a problem because my dad’s okay, and I can cope
with a few days of him. More than that, and there might be some issues, but
a few days are pretty much surviveable. However, in the past year or so, my
father has gotten a bit older and developed that delightful condition called
incontinence. And he refuses to wear a diaper.
You’d think he’d be
embarrassed about stains, going out to places, running around town, but no.
Not at all. I just spent a week at home visiting the fam, and not once did
my dad seem to be the least bit concerned. My mom says she’s pointed it out
many times, but he simply refuses to clean up his act. Now my parents’
house and cars all smell, and he just doesn’t care.
Realistically, it’s his
life, and how he chooses to live it his business. But it’s now encroaching
on the rights of others. Doesn’t my mom have the right to live in
non-urine-soaked environment? But that’s their life. The real problem will
be when he comes to visit me. That couch in the living room? It’s not
mine. It’s the roommate’s. What if he sits on my bed? Yuck. Rides in my
car? Ew.
So my specific question is this. What can I say to him without offending
him? Is there anything? Do I get Mom to hint? Do I have the right to say
anything at all? I’ve asked lots of people, both those who know my dad and
those who don’t, and I’ve gotten a huge variety of answers. It’s down to
you, Sars. I need a tie-breaker.
Thanks for your help!
Anti-puddle, pro-diaper
Dear Anti,
You say your mom has spoken to him about it, and he’s resisted, so I don’t know how much good it will do to have her speak to him for you, but I’d try that first anyway. Ask her to suggest to him strongly that politeness dictates he wear an adult pad while visiting you — that he can do what he likes in his own home, but in your home, he ought to respect society’s urine-related mores.
Do that now to give her time to work on him, because if that doesn’t work, I think you should lay down the law — he can wear a Depends during his visit, or he can stay home. You’ll have to find a way to put it nicely, and to stress that you love him dearly in spite of the leakage issues, but everything you’ve mentioned above is valid, and you have the right to insist that he respect your boundaries and your property (and your roommate’s property).
I think he does this because he’s in denial about his own aging. I can sympathize with that up to a point, but it’s time for him to realize that refusing to acknowledge the situation is going to start costing him. And speaking of that, when you talk to your mom, get her to lean on him to get a full physical, including a prostate exam. I don’t know how old your dad is, but his incontinence could signal a bigger problem, and he should get that checked out.
Sars,
My issue is based on two of my friends. This chick, who’s been one of
my best friends since like eighth grade, is seeing this guy that she’s been
going out with for about two months now. They seem to have a pretty good
relationship, and as far as I know haven’t had any real issues (or even
arguments). The problem is that they’ve taken this PDA thing to the max
and spend almost all of their time making out in public (“public” meaning
downtown, in malls, in school, in hallways — basically anywhere that they
can find). I normally don’t have a big problem with kissing and stuff in
front of people, but this is downright disgusting, and they aren’t
showing any self-control about how often they do this, where they do it,
and who is in the room with them when they do do it.
Now, I’m not the only person that has an issue with this, because every
one of my friends has complained to me about it, but since I’m her best
friend they want me to talk to her. I’ve told her multiple times how
uncomfortable it makes the rest of us, because they both pretty much
ignore everyone else and just do whatever they please, but she told me
that quite frankly she doesn’t care if it bothers us. I can understand
why she doesn’t necessarily care what we think, but they keep doing this
more and more often, and it’s reached the point where if they’re together
everybody else leaves the room.
My question is: What can I do to fix this? Neither of them seems to
understand that they’re losing all of their friends because none of us
can stand to look at them when they’re together, despite the fact that
I’ve told her that many times. I don’t want to completely lose this
friendship, but is there any way to save my sanity (and my stomach)?
Meg
Dear Meg,
You’ve already told her point-blank that the PDA sickens you and your other friends. You’ve told her a bunch of times. She doesn’t care, as she’s told you a bunch of times. That’s that. She won’t stop.
You don’t have to end the friendship over it; just keep leaving whenever the PDA makes you uncomfortable. Hang out with her when you can, and when you can’t (i.e. the tongue down her throat makes it impossible), don’t, but speaking to her about it hasn’t worked and isn’t going to, so don’t bother with that anymore. Get grossed out, bail, and feel good about it.
Hiya Sars,
I have a couple of English-teacher-type questions for
you:
1. I’ve noticed lately that the media seems to be
abandoning the strong past tense version of many verbs
that I know and love. Instead of seeing “pled” in a
court case, I’m reading “pleaded.” There are a couple
of other instances I’ve noticed but can’t recall just
now. I know there are several verbs that have
well-established alternatives (slew/slayed,
dove/dived, snuck/sneaked), but it grates on my
nerves. Have you noticed anything? Is it a media
conspiracy? Will we start seeing “drinked” instead of
“drank”? Okay, so that was way more than a couple of
questions, but bear with me.2. As an English teacher, one of my biggest challenges
is dredging the actual conventions of the language out
of my subconcious and presenting them to the kids. I
know the rules so well, they’re innate. I don’t think
of them anymore. Can you recommend a solid grown-up
text that covers the fundamentals of English grammar
so I can give myself a full review? I’d really
appreciate it.
Thanks,
Sometime Grumpy Second-Year Teacher
Dear Grumpy,
I actually address the pled/pleaded question last year. I haven’t noticed an increase in variant past tenses in the media of late, but it’s certainly possible.
As to your second question, as always, I would recommend Garner’s Dictionary of Modern American Usage. It doesn’t cover fundamentals in quite the way you describe, but it’s easy to use and read, and it answers almost every conceivable question. Beyond that, there’s the usual — The Elements of Style, Hacker’s Writer’s Reference — but you might also try Straus’s Blue Book of Grammar and Punctuation and/or the Princeton Review’s Grammar Smart. I’ve never read/used either of those, but I hear good things about the Blue Book.
And there’s always Warriner’s.
Dear Sars,
Here’s the story: Last year I met and became close friends with a really
great guy. He and his girlfriend split up shortly after he and I started
hanging out, but I never seriously thought about him THAT way (although I
had what I considered a harmless crush on him). We got together about four
months later. Neither of us wanted a serious relationship initially, but
that soon changed, as we started spending hours and hours on the phone daily
and spending nights together three or four times a week. He was everything I’ve
ever looked for in a guy — smart, funny, mildly sarcastic, a complete
goofball, an avid reader, and someone who I can be comfortable with in any
setting. I considered him a best friend as well as a boyfriend, and I am not
one to toss those words around lightly. He was my first serious
relationship, and the only person I have ever met who I clicked with so
completely and instantly. I have lots of other close friends, but this was
different. I guess everyone says that about his or her first love, but I
really felt (and still feel) that way.
We always had great communication during the relationship, and probably
about four months into it said “the L word” to each other. In retrospect, that
seems like a really short time to date someone before making a commitment
like that, but at the time it seemed right. A few weeks later, he left for a
summer job, and when he came back a month after that on a weekend break, he
acted all weird and funny. This had not been the case in our phone
conversations or email exchanges during this time. When I called him on his
weirdness, he basically indicated (without saying so) that he thought it
would be best if we broke it off. I pressed him for details; he finally admitted that before leaving,
he hung out with his ex-girlfriend, and all his feelings for her came
rushing back.
Why he didn’t wig out before leaving for his job, you ask? I
have no idea. This was a real shock, as he didn’t seem to be all that broken
up around the time of their actual split, and because he had always talked
about his ex in a very natural way, which made me think that I had no reason
to be jealous or suspicious. I knew that while we were dating they had
emailed occasionally and seen each other once or twice, but I never thought
that was anything to worry about and he knew I was cool with it.
Now it’s about four months later. We still talk on the phone all the time,
in fact for hours a week. We plan what we will do when we have a chance to
hang out again, make fun of each other incessantly, and generally look out
for each other and tell each other everything. I finally realized recently
that I can’t keep doing this, because it just hurts too much. I have
forgiven him for the break-up — he honestly is a really good guy, and was as
sorry as anyone can be for what happened — but I still feel all confused. So
last week, via email, I sent him a letter outlining my feelings and asking
him to clarify whether he still has any feelings for me. That may seem like
a dumb question, but all the talking on the phone and emailing and the fact
that we have remained best friends has made it hard for me to figure this
out — after all, why the hell is he on the phone with me if he is actually
after someone else? I indicated that if his answer was no, I would consider
this a closed topic, but that if he does have feelings for me, then we have
some working out to do. His response was: yes, I have feelings for you, but
I am in love with her, want to spend my life with her, and I am very very
confused. I then responded that I respect his feelings, and that we will
continue to be friends, but that for my own sanity we cannot talk on the
phone for a while and that we should keep it to email. There was more, but
that was the important thing. He has yet to respond, other than saying that
he is trying to digest my email. That was a few days ago.
So I guess my first question is: Am I doing the right thing? I really love
this guy; I have more fun with him than with anyone else, and talking to
him is always the highlight of my day. But then I get my hopes up, and end
up feeling shitty because we aren’t together and we aren’t talking about IT
at all…it’s like the elephant in the corner. What else can I do to make
myself feel better?
Next: How the hell do I interpret what he is saying? I don’t think he wants
to have his cake and eat it too, but I can’t understand how he can be “in
love” with someone he NEVER talks to, barely saw for a year, and who doesn’t
even know about his feelings for her. So how do I figure this out? The only
thing I can think is that maybe distancing myself for a while is the only
way for me to get over it…but then I lose out on my best friend. And I still
don’t get how he could be with me all that time and be perfectly happy (and
he admits that he was) and then suddenly decide, whoops, sorry, I’m out. It
makes no sense to me, and that’s why I can’t put it behind me. I do feel
more in control of the situation since our email exchange, if only because
I set up some boundaries that I think I need.
Sars, what do you think is the best way for me to deal with this situation?
Confused Chick
Dear Chick,
Yes, I think it’s the right thing to do. I completely understand how you feel, but the limbo isn’t good for you or your self-esteem, and taking steps to minimize contact with him until you get a few things figured out is a smart move. I would go further, actually, and ask him not to contact you at all for a while — a month, three months, whatever — because it hurts you too much. I don’t see another way to get past it.
And that brings us to your second question, and unfortunately I don’t have an answer — or, more accurately, there’s really nothing to interpret. He’s still in love with his ex. That doesn’t mean that he’s not in love with you, too, at the same time, but it does mean that it’s a bad situation and bad timing, and you should do your best to accept that and try to start moving on.
I know it’s hard to let go, hard to accept that it’s not going to work out, hard to understand why he’s still attached to a woman who doesn’t reciprocate his feelings when he’s got you right there. It’s not fair, and it’s not logical, but sometimes that’s just how it goes. He made his choice, and that sucks for you, but in order to put it behind you, you have to commit to putting it behind you, and that means no contact for a while. Don’t call him; don’t email him. Again, it sucks, but that break is necessary, and if he won’t make it, you’ll have to.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships grammar the fam
