I’m just starting classes and I have a math teacher that is blind. Which is normally a whatever thing, but his blindness results in what’s been called “chicken scratch writing” which makes it very hard to learn anything. For example, when he says, “u = ( 9 + t),” he writes, “J = (P r t ].” I’d really like to transfer out of his class, but I feel bad, because even though he’s a capable teacher, his handicap makes it hard to decipher the problems. How do I handle this?

Thank you,
Decoder Pen

I’m 22, and I’m relatively inexperienced for my age. I mean I’ve never really gone much beyond kissing with guys, basically I was a late starter and an ugly duckling until I was about 18 and I became a lot more self-confident and happy with myself. I have lots of male friends and have dated people in the past, but although I’ve had opportunities to lose my virginity, they’ve never been with anyone I wanted to have sex with.

Anyway, I recently moved home after college, and found a part-time job in a bar which quickly became full-time. While it’s not great for my career, I’ve met so many friends through work, as most of the staff are around my age. In about a month I’m moving out of home to live with a girl and a boy from work. The boy can’t move in right away because of family problems, and so me and the girl found someone else to move in. He’s a boy who’s part of our general group of friends, let’s say his name is Dave. Dave and me hit it off fairly quickly, I find him easy to talk to and I feel like we’re good friends. He used to work at the same bar and therefore knows all the same people as me.

A couple of weeks ago, one of the girls I work with started teasing me about Dave, asking me what was going on and telling me he liked me. I kind of suspected this in a way. One night we all went out and me and Dave separated from the group and ended up kissing. It was nice, but I was fairly drunk. We hooked up again at another party and we’ve been out a few times since then. It hasn’t progressed much further than some pretty intense making out because I don’t feel ready.

The problem is that I don’t know if I find Dave physically attractive enough to actually have a relationship with him, or more specifically, even have sex. I thought from the beginning that starting something before we moved in together could be a bad idea. I really like him, and the logical part of my brain is thinking that it would be nice to finally lose my virginity to someone I like and trust. But I don’t think I find him attractive enough. If I saw him in the street he probably wouldn’t catch my eye, and I don’t look at him and feel totally lusty. Physically he isn’t really my type, although his personality and the way we get on together does attract me.

Is this enough? Making out while we were drunk was nice, but I’m not sure if might just be 22 years of sexual frustration making me feel this way. I really don’t want to hurt him, but the problem is that we’re well on the way to becoming a couple, and I don’t know how to stop it. All my girl friends at work have been telling me to just sleep with him and see how I feel.

I’m not sure if maybe I feel reluctant like this because I’m apprehensive about losing my virginity, or if it’s because I just don’t like him enough, or in the right way. I didn’t mean to lead him on but I’m really confused about how I actually feel. My instinct is to see how it goes and then if I still feel lukewarm to cool off and ask if we can be friends, but the fact is that I’m going to be living with him, and he is part of my social circle, and there’s no way I can stop seeing him altogether.

I don’t know what to do. Asking my work friends for advice has proved to be pointless, as they all like him and think we would make “a perfect couple,” and I feel like I could be throwing away a good thing, but then when we’re together I just don’t look at him and get that shivery feeling of lust that I’ve had before. I’ve been single for so long and it’s so flattering for someone you think is a good person to like you, that I’m worried I might be letting this blind me. But on the other hand, relationship don’t all have to be bells and whistles and fireworks going off, do they? What can I do, Sars?

Thanks for reading,
Confused and Overworked

I have a problem. There’s this guy (isn’t there always?) who I’ll call
“A.” A and I met online in June of last year — he’s in university
about 20 miles from where I live. We really hit it off and we started
a relationship that lasted about six months and it was great. He was
so sweet and so nice and I really liked him, Sars.

But there was a problem I haven’t mentioned yet. See, when I met him?
I was sixteen. He was twenty-five and in his final year of med school. I
know, I know, it doesn’t sound so good, but it didn’t bother me that
much, because he was just so great to me and I really cared about him
and he felt the same about me. Then I caught flu and was in hospital
for a few days in November. A, of course, was a few months away from
graduating med school, and was planning on becoming a pediatrician.
The problem? When I was in hospital, I was in the pediatrics ward.
That squicked me out so much, because it suddenly hit me — hey, I’m a
patient in the children’s ward. In a few months, my BOYFRIEND could be
a doctor here.

I was freaked out by that, and when I got out of hospital, I thought I
should break up with him, but I didn’t know how to handle it. Sars,
I’m sixteen, and I was scared and he was the first boyfriend I ever
had (my parents are pretty strict, and I’m not allowed to date), and I
just didn’t know how to handle a break-up. I handled it the wrong way.
I just stopped calling and emailing, and when my parents and I moved
house (I’m an Air Force brat), I didn’t tell him where we went. I felt
so bitchy and horrible about doing it that way. My best friend told me
it was the smart thing to do — just break off all contact with him —
but I wasn’t so sure.

I can’t stop thinking about him. I still really like him a lot and I
really miss him and I want to talk to him again. I keep thinking that
I shouldn’t have broken up with him just because I freaked out about
him being so much older than me, and I keep wishing I’d handled it
differently and more maturely, but I’m sixteen, and I guess I made a
bad choice.

I really want to call him and talk to him, and get back together with
him if he wants to, but I’m not sure what I should do.

Any advice? Thanks, Sars.

Not-So-Sweet Sixteen

First off, I’ve been a huge fan of yours for years, and your writing has gotten me through many a dark day. Thanks! However, I’d love a little direct intervention in dealing with my current life drama. It’s complicated, but I’ll try to be brief.

Last year I had the opportunity to live and work in a small hotel in the UK, which was both great and miserable for many reasons. One of the great things was that I met an incredible guy, and basically, through many twists and turns, fell in love with him. We had a very complicated relationship, as we were living and working together in a pretty claustrophobic environment, and so things were very on and off. We were always extremely close, but while it was sometimes in a nice, romantic way, it was more often in a I-need-you-but-I-need-space-so-let’s-be-friends kind of way. That generally worked well, but wasn’t really what I wanted out of the relationship, and I guess I always held out hope for more.

Fast forward to now, when I’m home in the U.S. Basically, within a few months of leaving, I realized I really wanted him in my life, so we got engaged. Because of his citizenship (he’s South African), it would be virtually impossible for him to be here without us being married, and while we had discussed marriage while I was still in the UK, I always backed away, worried that the pressure would be too much, and we’d end up hating each other. Now, I miss him like crazy, and while we talk regularly on the phone (like at least a few times a week) I really worry that we’re jumping into things because we can’t see any other way out. I know that he does love me, but I don’t think he’s at a point in life where he’s really ready to commit to one person, and I don’t know how much of this marriage idea is just a solution to things he doesn’t like about his life now, rather than a real, lasting love for me.

Also, I’m terrified to break things off, because I really don’t see us being able to be friends, as I have backed away from this before, and he had an incredibly hard time getting over the rejection. I need him, but I don’t know if I’m deluding myself that we’ll be able to work things out if we’re forced to commit. We’ve sort of vaguely discussed the idea of an “open” marriage, or getting married as “friends” so that we could be together without the pressure, but I’m pretty sure that would just lead to way more drama, and I’m not sure that I could handle it.

So, basically (and I’m sorry that that wasn’t really brief) I can’t decide whether I should risk the marriage, since we really do love each other (although possibly/probably not equally) and I need him in my life, or hold off/break it off, and risk alienating someone I really love. If there we some way we could be together without getting married I’d do it in a heartbeat, but I really can’t see any other way. I don’t know how long I can put up with this long-distance thing, so I’d be eternally grateful for any thoughts you might have.

Thanks again for your brilliance!
Lost with her alien lover

I loved your essay on the anti-carb craze. It’s also why I’m asking your
advice on this one…

I have This Friend. Now, the friend in question has been chubby as long
as I’ve known her — not obese, and not at all physically unattractive,
just chubby. She could have stood to eat a little less KFC and Coke and
a little more vegetables, but that’s just from a basic nutrition
perspective.

Lately, she’s lost weight. Via carb elimination, in combination with
suddenly obsessive gym attendance. Exercise is good, constant exercise
with no carbohydrates to fuel the body is unhealthy. Now she’s a lot
thinner, and seems to be very proud of it, but…

She’s too thin. Her once-lovely skin is papery, her pretty face is
pinched and drawn, she seems brittle and she has no energy. It’s worrying.

Is it my business to tell her she’s too thin? And if so, how? Like I
said, I’m fat myself, and she might think it’s jealousy. (It isn’t — I’m
happy with my body so long as it’s healthy.) Normally I’d think this was
a matter for her family to take up, not me, but her family live on a
farm a long way from the city and I don’t think have seen the new her.

I’d Rather Be Healthy At Any Weight Than Thin At Any Price