The Vine: February 12, 2003
Hi Sars,
I have a very trivial problem. My husband uses the expression “in terms
of” far too often and, more importantly, incorrectly. Having made an issue
of this, it occurred to me that I wasn’t entirely confident that I knew the
correct usage. I’ve heard it thrown about inappropriately so often by
so many, I can’t remember exactly how it should be used.
I checked your Sincerely Your’s entry again and couldn’t find reference to this
expression. Could you please clarify?
Thanks,
Know He’s Wrong, But Not Sure What’s Right (and I have to be right)
Dear Know,
It would help me if I knew how exactly your husband used it; I can’t really say whether he’s wrong when I don’t have an example of the usage he employs. In any case, the 9C defines “in terms of” as “with respect to or in relation to.” (If you want to point him to a particular entry, it’s under “term.”)
But there’s a difference between overusing a phrase so that it amounts to a verbal tic and using it incorrectly. Garner’s entry calls “in terms of” “often indefensibly verbose” — it’s one of those constructions people use instead of the simple prepositions “for” or “in” to make their usage sound more formal or ornate. It’s Garner’s position that, unless you intend it to mean “expressed by means of” (e.g.: “visual exposition in terms of Greek drama,” something like that), you should try to replace it with the preposition you actually want.
Short answer: It’s a tough phrase to use incorrectly in terms of (heh) its organic sense, but if you deem overuse incorrect and that’s the problem, then he’s wrong. I…think.
Dear Sars,
I don’t really know how to handle this. A little over three months ago, I
started working at a small store as a cashier/stock person. After one week,
I received the shocking news that the owners were so impressed with me that
they felt I should be a shift manager, and so I received a small raise and
started training in managerial duties. (For the most part, those duties
consist of counting down the cash registers at the end of each shift, making
sure the cashiers always have something to keep them busy, and keeping a key
to the store. It’s not rocket science, or even soapbox-derby science.)
After a week of training, I was an official shift manager.
I was very pleased with this turn of events, but one of my fellow cashiers,
upon hearing the news, was, shall we say, miffed. She (I’ll call her “Lisa”)
had worked for the store for all of four months. She’d been there longer
than almost anyone else except for the other two managers, and was under the
impression that her “seniority” entitled her to a promotion.
The owners had their reasons for not promoting Lisa — mainly, that she
wasn’t willing to be flexible with her hours. She claimed that she could
only work the morning shifts because she couldn’t get anyone to babysit her
kids in the evenings and on weekends (though she always managed to find a
sitter if she had a social outing to go to).
Lisa promptly began to complain, pretty much nonstop, to every single
employee (including me) about the “unfairness” of this situation. She
repeatedly assured me that she didn’t have anything against ME, but she felt
that the owners were screwing her out of something she deserved. I, being a
brand-new employee and unsure of how to handle this without alienating the
people I was suddenly the boss of, smiled and nodded sympathetically,
thinking she’d shut up after a while. I knew that my sudden promotion would
be a surprise to anyone, and I didn’t want people to think that I thought I
was hot shit, waltzing in and deciding to run the place. I’m also younger
than Lisa (she’s 36, I’m 29), and I know people can get wiggy when a younger
person is their boss, so I tried to be sensitive to all of these things.
But Lisa didn’t cool her jets. Every time I entered the store to start my
shift, I’d find her behind the cash register, running her mouth at co-workers
and even customers about how she’s been here “forever,” and the owners were
“punishing” her for having kids, et cetera. After a couple of weeks I was sick of
it, so I spoke to the store manager (the boss of the shift managers) who
told Lisa that she needed to close her mouth. Lisa, still assuring me that
she had no issues with me personally, finally stopped bitching about the
lost promotion (at least, in my hearing).
But apparently, she wasn’t content to let things drop. I was never less
than nice to her, so she had no reason to hate me — so she started making
trouble so she’d have something to bitch about. She’d argue with me in
front of other employees, countermanding the things I’d told them to do, and
then make me out to be an unreasonable bitch. (“She made you take out the
trash?! You shouldn’t have to do that!”)
I made sure the owners and store manager were kept abreast of all these
goings-on, and I know they spoke to her numerous times about her
disrespectful attitude, but it never went away. She and I didn’t have to
work together every day, thank God, but she seldom missed an opportunity to
try and undermine my (very new) authority, to the point where some of the
newer employees started to get the idea that they could sass me as well.
Recently, I lost my temper somewhat and spoke sharply to her in the presence
of another employee (to whom she was audibly bitching about me). She saw
this as a golden opportunity to FLIP OUT publicly (making sure to paint me
as some sort of draconian bitch) and make a scene in the store. She was
written up for insubordination for that. Since then, she’s had her hours
cut as punishment for failing to show up on a day she was scheduled to work
with me.
The owners’ bottom line is this: They don’t want to fire her because they
don’t want to pay her unemployment, so until she fucks up SEVERELY, we’re
stuck with her. The owners are VERY happy with me, however; they’ve given
me a second raise and encouraged me to keep “hanging in there,” as the store
is running “like a well-oiled machine” and they’re very pleased, except for
these Lisa issues.
I’m tempted to ask the store manager to schedule her ONLY to work with me,
so that she’ll either get really frustrated and quit, or else lose her shit
and make a scene again so we can fire her with impunity. In any case, I
know none of those things will happen for a while, and I’m wondering how I
can continue to deal with this person who has made it her life’s work to
despise me so much. I’ve been very good; I haven’t involved other employees
at all (whereas she always makes sure to have an audience for her tantrums
and hissies), I never talk down to her, and I’m trying like hell to continue
to play it cool and not stoop to her level.
I think she’s smart enough to realize just how far she can go and get away
with it, and I’m wondering if it’s time for an ultimatum on my part — “Get
rid of this disrespectful twat or I’m giving my notice.” I don’t want to
quit, I like the job, I think I’m learning a lot about the ups and downs of
being a manager, and it’ll look good on my résumé, but I don’t know if the
drama is worth it for the paltry pay I’m bringing home (it’s still just a
small store, after all).
Any advice?
Signed,
The New Boss
Dear New,
It’s time to tell your bosses what’s what. I hesitate to recommend ultimatums, particularly in an economy like the current one, but the fact is that in an economy like the current one, nobody can afford an attitude problem — to have one themselves, or to have one on their staff. In your position as a manager, yes, you do have to put up with a certain amount of grumbling and politicking, but Lisa has exceeded that amount, and frankly, your bosses’ unwillingness to pay Lisa unemployment is not your problem. Unless she’s responsible for three quarters of the store’s sales, management should have sacked her weeks ago.
Say so. Say it nicely, but say it. Tell them that you didn’t sign on for eighteenth-century court intrigue, and you can continue to work with Lisa, but if she acts up again and still no action is taken, you plan to seek employment elsewhere. It’s not about Lisa. It’s about your bosses not sticking up for you in any meaningful way because it’s easier and less awkward to let Lisa bully them — and everyone else.
You’ve done everything right so far, I think, but enabling prima donna bullshit isn’t in your job description, so let your bosses know that, one way or the other, you won’t do it anymore.
Hey, Sars!
For the first time, I actually have a problem that I could use a little
insight on.
The problem basically is my relationship with my parents. I am an Asian
girl with Asian parents. They aren’t what you could call 100 percent typical
Asian parents (think stereotypical Italian family times two), but they
are close. I have been living on my own for the last two years, and I
have been on the other side of the country from them for the past seven.
Why is it then that they still manage to get to me?
The short version of the story is that my lease is up in less than two
weeks. In my city, there is a housing shortage right now, and the fact
that I am looking for a place for about two months, perhaps longer,
perhaps not (depending on how my job situation turns out, I might need
to leave the city), doesn’t make the apartment hunting any easier.
I finally found an ideal place in my friend’s apartment complex. The
problem? I would have to share with a male roommate.
Okay, that in and of itself is not a problem. I know the guy I would be
living with well enough to know that we would get along and that he is
trustworthy (i.e. will pay the rent on time and isn’t a freak). And I
probably won’t even be there that long, so it’s not a big deal. The
problem is that my mother is Catholic and her mindset got stuck sometime
in the 1950s, and my father, following the Principles of Proper
Parenting, takes her side on all matters. Long story short, when she
finds out, my mom is going to freak out, and my dad is going to find
every single reason he can think of for me NOT to stay there. They may
even try to get me to come home to live until I find a job, which is
exactly what I have been trying to avoid, since I want to work out east
and they live in the west.
This situation has happened before several times, not just on living
arrangements, but on my choices of boyfriend, the vacations I was
planning to take with said boyfriend, and various other things.
Basically, any decision that I take that they don’t sanction is called
to court for immediate questioning, because chances are very big that
it’s WRONG.
I know it’s just a matter of not letting them control me or treat me
like I’m still five (I’m 24), but they know how to push every button in the
book. Any good reasons that I come up with to support my decision will
just be countered with “But he’s a BOY!” “You will be practically
living common law!” (Common law = bad in my parents’ books.) “I don’t care
what you say, I don’t want you living with a GUY. I’d rather pay a
little more in rent than have you living with a guy. It’s not right.”
“What if something happens?” Blah blah blah paranoiacakes.
I’ve tried several tactics to deal with my parents, but the
situation always manages to devolve into my mother either telling me I’m
a horrible daughter, hanging up on me, yelling at me, enlisting various
relatives to “talk some sense into me,” or, in the worst case scenario,
either arranging for her or my dad to come out to stay with me and make
sure that I “don’t do anything stupid” if they can’t convince me with
words alone. Sometimes a combination of all of these are used.
It’s gotten to the point where I get serious cramps and headaches just
anticipating the confrontation that’s bound to happen with my parents.
An option is just to cut them out of my life, but it would be a hard
decision. All my life I’ve been close to my parents. I am an only
child, and I understand that they are just trying (misguidedly) to do
what’s best by me. Family is a very big thing in my culture
(stereotypical Italian times two, remember), and cutting out my parents
is a very drastic measure to be taking.
Basically, I was wondering if you had any tips as to how I can handle
the upcoming confrontation with better results. Even a “Go get ’em,
tiger!” would help at this point.
Thanks for reading this.
Banging Head Against Brick Wall
Dear Ouch,
You know what I’m going to say, right? That they do this because you allow it? That they push your buttons because you let them? Because they do. They do it because it works, and because they know it works.
Train yourself to say the following, to mean it, and to let it sit there without qualifying it in any way: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Learn to use it as an all-purpose response, and to refuse to elaborate on it. Your mother doesn’t want you to live with a boy because it’s improper? You’re sorry she feels that way, but she’ll have to find a way to cope. Change the subject or get off the phone. Your father wants you to come home and live with them for a while? You’re sorry he feels that way, but it’s inconvenient at the moment, and you can’t do it. Change the subject or get off the phone. Your parents want to come out and keep an eye on you? You’re sorry they feel that way, but now isn’t a good time for a visit, and you can’t have them stay with you. Change the subject or get off the phone.
The pattern of behavior with you and your parents goes back decades, and you’ll have a hard time sticking to your guns in the beginning — especially since they’re going to freak out in response and start name-calling and threatening and whatever else they usually do to control you. Grit your teeth, change the subject, and get off the phone. Don’t let them bully you, don’t let them order you around, and whatever you do, don’t let them come to stay. You love them, and you’re sorry they feel the way they do, but your life is not conducted by referendum, and you have to go now. Don’t argue. Don’t explain. It’s still going to bother you to a certain extent, but you have to start training them — and more importantly yourself — not to let them interfere. It might take a while, but eventually, they’ll get over it.
Dear Sars,
I have a complicated question for you. Strike that — I’m in a complicated
situation, and I need straight answers about it. Here’s the story:
Fall 1999: After seven months of dating, my boyfriend and I decide we want to
live together after college. This spirals into a discussion of marriage, and
after a few weeks I propose to him. He says yes; calls to Mom, teary friends,
and engagement ring shopping ensues.
Summer 2000: We’ve just graduated, and I’m in robo-wedding-planning mode. The
reality of our plans begins to sink in, and he starts to freak out. Plans are
postponed indefinitely.
Winter 2000: Turns out he doesn’t want to be engaged at all — I was so hurt
and upset when he called off the date that he’s decided I’m obsessed with
marriage.
Spring 2001-present: Utter limbo. We had a lot of big fights after we were
un-engaged; he says that he loves me and knows that he wants to spend the rest
of his life with me, but he insists that he wants nothing to do with marriage.
I know he’s The One — I knew it when I proposed to him, and I haven’t doubted
it since — but I don’t understand why commitment is so frightening for him.
He’s called me his “life partner” before — so what’s so awful about my wanting
to celebrate that in front of our family and friends?
We both got tired of fighting about this — it’s the only thing we disagree
about, and our relationship is wonderful as long as I don’t ask him where it’s
going.
If I love him, being with him should be enough, right? Right, except I hate
our city and I hate my job. I want to move around the country, kick-start my
writing career, and go back to school, and I’m still here because of him; he
needs to stay in-state to qualify for lower tuition at grad school, and then
he’ll need to stay here until he gets his degree — that’s five more years of a
situation I loathe. I feel like I’m sacrificing a lot for him, and I feel like
he’s taking me for granted. Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for
free?
So — apologies for the saga — what should I do? Is loving him a good enough
reason to stay here? Am I justified in being furious about his Peter Pan act
with marriage? Should I move away to do my own thing and hope he pulls his
head out of his ass?
I hope this stuff is clearer to you than it is to me…
Cheers,
Bitter Single Girl
Dear Bitter,
Get a life. No, not like that. Get your own life that has nothing to do with Peter Pan, and start living it as soon as possible. Focus on yourself for five minutes, instead of on him and the marriage thing. Do you live where you do and work where you do because you want to, or because of him? Do you have anything that’s yours right now?
He’s not going to marry you. That’s a pity, but it’s time to take him at his word and start moving forward with your own life. If you two wind up together, great, and if you don’t, you’ll manage, but you don’t like anything about your life right now because it’s all centered around him and his grad school and his commitment issues and blah blah blah. Start checking out other cities, start looking into other jobs, start doing things for yourself, and start talking to him truthfully about what you want and need from him and what’s going to happen if you don’t get it. If you want things to change, you will have to change them yourself.
Get a life, one that’s yours. If he’s in it, great, and if he’s not, you’ll manage, but if he doesn’t marry you — and he probably won’t — you’ll have to fill the time somehow.
Dear Sars,
I have a problem that I would love to get your advice on. My mom has always been…difficult to get along with. When I was little, she was just “scary” when upset, and as a result, I was a quiet, well-behaved kid who never did much of anything for fear that she’d find out.
Then come the teen years, where we did nothing but fight for the last five years I lived in the house. Part of the problem was that during this time, she had health problems and often didn’t feel well, which would lead anyone to be somewhat grumpy. Unfortunately, her favorite scapegoat was me. Throughout my teen years, I was constantly being yelled at for the most insignificant things, and being reminded of what she wanted me to be and how I wasn’t fulfilling that vision. I was told I needed to lose weight any time I did anything so gluttonous as taking four cookies instead of three (I’m 5’5″, and at my heaviest, I was a size 7). At the beginning of several school years, I was told that my “goal” for the year was to find a boyfriend. She was constantly on my case about being a “loner,” even though I had friends, and for being “weird,” just because my interests didn’t mesh with hers. When I helped around the house, I never did things correctly in her eyes, and was yelled at as she redid my chores to her liking.
When I confronted her on several occasions about the fact that she made me feel awful about myself, she told me that that sounded like a personal problem to her and that I needed to get over it. On one of these occasions, she blew up at me and then didn’t speak to me for two weeks afterward. Basically, she made me feel like a complete loser for most of high school, and as a result, I spent the majority of my teen years either at my best friend’s house or in my room with the stereo cranked to a level that would drown her out. It would be pretty easy to blame it all on myself and my crazy teenage moods, but compared to most of the kids at my school and even most of my friends, I was a pretty good teenager. I didn’t really do anything that would get me into trouble, and the few stunts I did pull were never discovered by her.
Things got much better after I moved out. I attributed it not only to my not being in the house, but to the improvement in her health. Once I dealt with some of my self-esteem issues by constantly telling myself that 95 percent of what she criticized me for as a teenager was complete bullshit, things improved. That’s not to say that everything is wonderful — I am still fully aware that the daughter she wanted is probably the polar opposite of what she got. She’s never really supported my choice for a major in school, and is even less supportive of the fact that I don’t want to get married or have children. But for the most part, things were going better. For me, anyway.
The problem now is my dad. The crap that she pulled on me in high school — well, she’s now pulling it on him. I’ve only recently found out how bad things are. She’s making my dad absolutely miserable, and I have no idea what to do about it. She’s constantly harping on him about every little thing that he does. When I go home to visit, the mood in the room just changes whenever they are together. Everything is tense and cold. While I dealt with my mom by basically screaming back at her, my dad’s way of handling it is to just tune her out. This, of course, makes her even more angry, but I can’t say I blame him when she never really says anything nice to him anyway. While he’s tried to keep me out of it, she’s constantly telling me “he hates me,” and “he never tells me anything” in this irritated voice, as if she’s trying to get me on her side. I’ve learned that this has been going on the past two or three years.
I’ve only gotten dragged into this recently. A few months ago, we had a cookout with my grandparents (my mom’s parents). Dad was grilling out, and a few of the ribs got a little charred on one side (as one would expect on a charcoal grill). Rather than just cutting these pieces off like a normal person, my mother starts flipping out about it (in front of my grandparents), saying that he has ruined them. Seeing as we had enough ribs and chicken to feed an army, I calmly pointed out that they were only a little burned and that we had plenty for everyone. To this, she suddenly turned on me, demanding to know what my problem was (again, in front of my grandparents). When I told her that there was no problem, that I just didn’t think it was worth getting upset over, she refused to speak to me for the rest of the night. At one point during dinner, she even jerked the potatoes out of my hand as I was dipping some onto my plate.
Okay, yeah, I get that my mom is a brat who flips out when things don’t go her way. I get that she’s unhappy, and she’ll be damned if someone isn’t going to be unhappy with her. The problem is not my mom — it is my dad. Every day, he gets more and more miserable, and I feel so bad for him, but I don’t know what to do. Talking to my mom about her unhappiness is completely pointless — she either denies that anything is wrong (or that she has done half the things she has done), completely shuts you out, or blows up and doesn’t speak to anyone. My best friend thinks I should talk to her about how unhappy she is making my dad, but my gut instinct is telling me that even though I feel horrible about the whole situation, this is not my mess to butt into. I feel like anything I say is just going to make the situation worse, and is just going to make her feel ganged up on, which would only make her lash out at my dad even more. I guess I just need another opinion as to whether staying out of it and leaving it up to the “adults” to work out their own problems is really the best way to handle this.
On The Outside, But Still Upset
Dear Outside,
I wouldn’t confront your mother about it. It won’t work, it won’t help — you know the drill. In fact, you should probably stay out of it altogether; it’s one thing to intercede on behalf of a sibling, but trying to mediate your parents’ marriage is almost never a good idea.
You might talk to your dad about it, to let him know that you can empathize, but keep in mind that he’s tolerated your mother’s psycho-brat behavior for years — even watched her inflict it on you. He’s an adult, and he’s made his choice; frustrating as it is to watch, it’s probably best to stay out of it.
Tags: boys (and girls) grammar the fam workplace
