The Vine: February 13, 2002
Hi Sars,
Rather than lying awake nights worrying about whether my new website will net me a stalker (okay, I exaggerate slightly — and that is on the off chance anyone will actually read it!), I thought maybe I would ask your advice on the matter of net security and how paranoid I need to be. I’ve recently started a website — it was your advice in the Vine to an aspiring writer that motivated me to do so, actually — and the one thing I’m really unsure about is what kind of personal information to give/withhold. I don’t want to use a pseudonym for myself (though I’ll do it for anyone else I mention), but I also don’t want to worry that some freakshow will look up my address in my local phone book and start stalking me. Probably I should make my phone number unlisted? (My web page address for various reasons is closely related to my full name, so not revealing my name would require me to get another domain or host site.) How careful do I need to be, and about what kinds of personal information?
Any advice you have would be greatly appreciated, or any pointers as to where else to get such advice — I did try looking at diarist.net for some answers, but couldn’t find any.
Thanks,
Worried About The Web
Dear Worried,
Taking basic precautions should protect you adequately. I mean, yeah, you could attract a nutbar or two, but if a nutbar wants badly enough to dig up personal information on you, he’ll do it no matter how well you’ve disguised yourself.
So, here’s what I’d disguise:
1. Where you live. Revealing the city you live in? Fine. The neighborhood within that city? It’s up to you. Your street? No. If you must post an address, get a P.O. box. Don’t give out your phone number.
2. Where you work.
3. The names of the people you talk about, and where those people live and work.
4. Your movements. By that, I mean that you shouldn’t refer by name to bars or restaurants you frequent regularly, or the gym you attend; you shouldn’t make your daily schedule known.
It really depends on what you write about and how personal you get; my site is about my life, so I imagine that anyone who’s read my essays could triangulate roughly where I live and where I grew up, and if a reader really wanted to find me (or my family), they could probably do it pretty easily. On the other hand, most readers know that that’s out of bounds, and the ones that don’t would track me down no matter how well I tried to hide myself.
Something else to think about — writing about sex, or your sex life, ups the freak quotient considerably right away. If that’s something you plan to do, be aware that it brings the fruitcakes out of the woodwork more than, say, a movie review would.
I really wouldn’t stay up nights worrying about it, but if it’s got you concerned, buy Gavin DeBecker’s The Gift Of Fear and read it so that you’ll feel more prepared should a stalker present himself.
Dear Sars, I have very definite views on premarital sex, and I was wondering if you could help me with a problem I’m having with one of my friends. She, like me, was in the mindset of “no sex before marriage.” This past weekend, though, she had sex with her boyfriend. She doesn’t understand why I’m disappointed with her and “what the big deal is.” I can’t look at her now without feeling sick and thinking I’m going to cry. I’m trying to make her see that while I’m her friend, I don’t support her actions. She, on the other hand, doesn’t want to listen to what I have to say. Age is also an issue, because her boyfriend is almost twenty and she is underage. Please help me reach her!
Frantic Friend
Dear Frantic,
Thanks, but I’ll pass. Your friend doesn’t require an intervention. It’s really her business whether she has sex or not, and her boyfriend is only nineteen — hardly a statutory rape case of Polanski proportions. The problem here isn’t her. It’s you.
Your decision to wait to have sex is perfectly valid, but it’s your decision, not a party line that all of your friends should have to stick to. You seem to view your friend’s choice to have sex as a personal betrayal, but it’s not that at all. It’s just her choice. It doesn’t mean she thinks any less of you for choosing differently, and you should accord her the same respect, even if you feel sort of left out and lonely now that it’s just you waiting for marriage — and I think that’s what’s really going on here.
You’ve made it clear that you disapprove, which I have a feeling she doesn’t appreciate, and it’s not like she can just un-sleep with the guy to meet your standards, so give the judgmental routine a rest and don’t worry so much about what other people get up to.
Tags: friendships sex
