The Vine: February 15, 2005
Sweet Sars:
I recently had a hot and heavy relationship with a guy, J. I have teenaged children, and have never dated since I divorced their father four years ago. J and I fell quickly in love. He started spending a lot of time at my home and was never at his apartment anymore.
Needless to say, when the hormones calmed down, several non-negotiable issues arose in our relationship that caused me to question the ability for us to be a couple. Namely, his income and mine were so disparate (I make, literally, ten times what he does) that I started to question the fact he was always borrowing money.
I was incredibly stupid to get involved so quickly, loan money, and expose our relationship to my teenaged kids without better judgment. I asked him to leave, and finally, finally, finally he’s gone (along with an IPod, a television and several hundred $$ of debt to me that I won’t ever see). I chalk this up to an expensive lesson and sincerely don’t care about the stuff — I just want him to leave me alone.
The problem is his dog. Fido never went home with J. J kept saying he’d pick him up, but makes excuses and never shows. I’ve grown attached to Fido, and the kids have, too. We love him and I consider him a nice trade for the TV. The problem is that J calls and asks to come visit “his” dog. Yesterday, he explained he didn’t feel he was emotionally ready for Fido to come back and asked if we’d keep him indefinitely. I agreed, but asked what the time frame would be, and he couldn’t say — just asked me to take Fido for his vet appointment because J has no money right now.
My question for you is whether we treat the dog as a friend who is visiting, and take him to the vet, and love him for as long as he’s with us? Can I tell J he can’t come see the dog? Because I really think he is leaving the dog here so he has a reason to see me occasionally.
Thanks,
In Love with the Dog, Not the Man
Dear I Feel That,
I don’t think it’s fair to anyone — your kids, Fido, or your peace of mind — to view the dog as a temporary arrangement. Call J up, tell him that you think he’s using his pet as a leave-behind and you won’t tolerate it, and inform him that he’s got a week: he makes arrangements for Fido and comes to pick him up, or the dog is now a part of your family. And J still isn’t. And then you hang up.
Cut it off. If he can’t take care of the dog, the dog is forfeit, and J’s lucky you haven’t hauled him into small claims court for the rest of the shit — which you could certainly mention if he’s whinging that the dog is “his.”
Sars,
I have been reading The Vine on and off for about a year, and now I think I need your advice.
I am 34 years old, happily married, and own my own business. Life is good. My husband and I are great together, and I have to say, he’s an amazing guy. We see eye to eye on all important matters (except politics and television, but having a Republican who occassionally watches Fox News isn’t killing me), and get along great.
In my business, I meet a lot of people who work out of their home. Usually when I go to meet them, they have desks covered with their children’s photos, drawings, and I-have-a-kid-bric-a-brac. The topic of children inevitably comes up, and that question that I dread comes up — when will I have children?
My husband and I are not planning to have children. I am in my mid-thirties, and have never had that “pang” for children that my friends seem to have. It doesn’t bother me, I don’t feel like I am missing out, and while I appreciate that children are a blessing, they are not a blessing for me.
How can I politely tell these people that I am not having children without sounding like I resent their question? I am at the point where I am lying to people, telling them that I might have children later, just to avoid that “oh you poor dear” look. I have to work with these people, and do not want to insult them either.
Thank you, Sars!
No Kids For Me, Thanks
Dear No Kids,
A simple “when we’re ready,” followed by a subject change, should take care of it. It’s true, after all — the fact that you won’t be “ready” isn’t a distinction you’re required to make here, and any further information isn’t their business. Hell, even that information isn’t their business.
If they choose to feel insulted by, or pity you for, the fact that you’ve made different choices, there isn’t much you can do about that — so don’t bother. This isn’t an appropriate line of questioning for them to pursue; end it and change the subject.
Hi, I really enjoy your advice and I’d love to get a piece of that action,
so here goes:
I just had a really unfortunate year (boyfriend moved out on me, a good
friend died in a car wreck, yeah…) and I’ve just kind of HAD IT with
everything. I’m stuck in a lease in an apartment I can’t really afford on
my own, my job is okay but really mind-numbing, my friends are fine but they
have their own lives to deal with and I’m a bit of a downer these days.
I’ve lived in this town for 16 years now, and I think I want to get out to
somewhere else.
But the problem is, will that just end up isolating me more? Will I just
feel more sad than I already do? And the field that I work in is highly
specialized, so finding a job will probably mean that I have to switch
careers. So what’s your take on moving vs. sticking it out at “home”?
Thanks…
Down in Denver
Dear Down,
Jeez, I’m sorry.
It’s hard to say whether moving would give you a much-needed change of pace or just bring you down further; I think it’s the former, but in any case, why not give it a try? Why not take a “you year” and do something different — move away, take a different job, see what happens? If it’s not for you and you’re feeling lonely, you can always move back to Denver.
Of course it’s not that easy; life isn’t a movie, and you can’t just tie up your things in a bindle and whistle jauntily out of town with your thumb out and a song in your heart. But sometimes having to focus on a big life change, or changes plural, is stimulating; it wakes you up, shows you what’s working in your life and what isn’t, streamlines things.
It’s scary, but it’s worth doing. Go out on your own for a while. Write a lot of letters home. See how it goes.
Hi Sars,
I’ve been reading your column and have decided that maybe you can help me. I have a problem at work. I’m a pastry chef at a pretty nice restaurant (read: I can’t afford to eat there). I’ve been working there for about six months or so, but for monatary reasons I’m looking for another job. I get barely enough hours there to pay my most basic bills and live at home to offset the rest.
Mostly my job involves making the desserts for lunch and dinner but on occasion I make cakes for special parties. Cakes are nothing new to me, I have a degree in Baking and Pastry Arts (A B.S. — I know, I can’t believe it either) and have worked the past eight years more or less constantly at my craft, mostly at bakeries. I am competent.
My problem is one of the front-of-the-house managers at work. When I first got there and was asked to make a cake for a party, I used one of my old standby recipes and (I thought) it turned out well. A few days later, she told me that the cake was very dry and there were complaints, and maybe I could use the house cake recipie ’cause that one was so much better than the one I’m using. I said sure, got the reciie from the guys who used to make the cakes and started using that.
Since then, I’ve gotten other complaints from her (and only her) about the dryness of the cakes. I asked the chef about them and he said he didn’t think there was anything wrong with them. I know the cakes are okay.
A few months ago, I caught her in a lie about them. She told me she was very disappointed in the cake I had made extra special for a party (a ten-person cake that they were charged $100 for and believe me, it was a $100 cake). She said everyone complained about it and that she tasted it and it was really bad. Turns out that the customers were friends with the chef and told him how wonderful it was and asked for another one for the next day.
I didn’t confront her about it, I thought that ignoring her and going about my business was the right way to handle this because she’s obviously lying to me. I just don’t know why. I guess that part doesn’t matter. Just today, though, she spent 10 full minutes yelling to me about how the cakes were still horrible, that everyone complained every single time, that she’s never received a compliment about any of them (funny, I have), that she can’t keep lying to the customers about how horrible they are, and how she’s shocked that someone with my credentials just doesn’t have anything to back it up. She told me she was sorry she had to be the one to tell me all this. I said nothing. Not only did I not know what to say, but there was (conveniently) a wedding going on that I had to get a cake to in the next few minutes.
I know she’s lying. I know there’s nothing wrong with the cakes. I know the customers, the chef, and everyone but her thinks they’re fine. That’s cool. I just hate being lied to, and I hate getting yelled at for no good reason. That time I caught her in a direct lie, the chef was involved and said he didn’t know what she was talking about and would say something to her. Obviously, it hasn’t taken root. I want to handle this like an adult, I really do. My dad said next time she says something, I should drag her in front of the chef and explain things to him (with her there) and see what happens. Good idea? Bad idea? Do you have a better one?
Signed,
I don’t want to go to jail for murder
Dear How About Assault With A Flying Pie,
Your dad’s idea is a good one. The next time she starts in, tell her that if she’s that concerned, you’d both better go and talk to the chef right away, because you want to address any customer concerns without delay. If she backs down all “oh, no, I just wanted you to know, we don’t have to bring him into it,” don’t be trying to hear that; get her ass in front of the chef and call her bluff once and for all.
If that doesn’t work, or if the chef isn’t on-site at the time, tell her to take it up with the chef; you stand behind your work, but you’ll defer to his judgment — but until he hands one down, you don’t care to hear any more from her.
If she’s not in a position to tell you what to do, I think it’s time you told her to fuck off. Inform her flatly that the chef thinks the cakes are good, as do the customers; that she’s the only one who complains; that she’s gotten caught in a lie before, which you reported to the chef; and that you want her to get down out of your face because she doesn’t know what she’s talking about.
I think it’s also time you insisted to the chef that he pick a side, because enough already. You don’t get paid enough to put up with that shit. Either he steps in or you leave.
Dear Sars,
This is a super-long one so if you want to shorten it or anything feel free
to, and now on to the main event.
I love your website, you rule! Here’s my problem. I’ve been dating my
boyfriend for three years now and I’ve recently felt like I’m not quite
ready for a relationship like this right now, in other words, I’ve been
thinking about breaking it off with him. Why, you ask? Well, I’ve been
feeling like I just want more with my life and we do fight a lot. Not
really bad “yelling and throwing things” fighting but “silent treatment and
glare” kind of fighting.
I’ve also completely lost any desire for sex, which
I know has been really hard for him, but if I don’t want to I don’t want to
and he’s been very nice about it considering. It’s probably been over a
month now since we’ve last had sex and I just don’t want it and I don’t
really like making out with him anymore either. I feel so awful about it
because I know he loves me so much and wants to kiss me all the time and I’m
always pushing him away and wanting space and he’s been feeling really
rejected, but I don’t know how to handle it. I do love him very much and
don’t want to hurt to him, but I know I’ve already been doing that in a way.
We’ve been talking about marriage a lot and six months ago I would have been
all for it, but now I don’t think I can get married, it really kind of
freaks me out.
So what would happen if I did break up with him? Well, I would have to move
back in with my parents (I currently live with my boyfriend), at least for a
while till I found a place I could afford on my own. I would miss him
horribly and would probably get into a deep depression, which I’ve been
taking meds for and have been getting counseling for a long time now, but I’m afraid the depression just might take over my life like it has done in the
past. I would miss his family. I love his family and they all really like
me and get presents for Christmas and my birthday and stuff like that and I’d feel guilty about breaking up with him because of his family and how it
would probably hurt them just as much. I’m also afraid of what my family
would do. They all love him too and would never understand why I would ever
break up with him.
What would happen if I didn’t break up with him? We would probably get
married in a year or two and who knows maybe I’d be happy or I might get
depressed in that situation too and I’m pretty much boned no matter what I
do. We would probably have a couple kids, which right now really freaks me
out! I can barely take of myself, much less children.
I just really do love him and don’t think I could ever find anyone like him
ever again and I’m afraid if I do break up with him it’ll be the biggest
mistake of my life and I’ll regret it forever. I just really don’t know
what to do. Lately, I’ve been just hanging out with my friends and family a
lot and have been distancing myself a bit although I love hanging out with
him and we still spend a lot of time together, just with other people.
So
like I said I have been going to counseling for all of this and I’ll
continuing going, but I just wanted an outside opinion on what I should do
or what you would do or anything really. No one else knows I feel like
this, just my counselor, I haven’t told any of my friends, if I did they
would be in total shock because I think we do seem like a happy couple on
the outside, but I’m just having doubts. Maybe I’m just having cold feet?
I did really want to marry him before, but there is just this doubt now. So
anyways I think that’s pretty much the gist of it, hope you have some advice
to give to a nut job like me.
Sincerely,
Feeling stuck
Dear Stuck,
Here’s my advice: talk to your counselor about exercising more control over and agency in your own life. You act like you’re a leaf in the stream, just carried every which way by depression and having kids and families and blah blah blah, but you do have choices here; you just don’t want to make any of them.
…Tough. You need to start making decisions and living with them, and believing that you can handle the consequences. I know how hard break-ups are, but people survive them every day. I know how hard dealing with depression is, but people do it every day. I’m not telling you this to shame you into action; I’m saying it because you don’t think any of it is doable, and it is. It’s not fun, but it’s doable, and more important, it’s necessary. It’s vital for you to learn to look at your life, identify aspects of it that you don’t like or that aren’t working, and deal with them — fix them, get rid of them, whatever. Passivity is not a plan.
At the very least, take a break from your boyfriend — a formal one, in which you move out. You aren’t attracted to him anymore; the thought of marrying him gives you the existential heebs; from what I can tell, the only reason you’re staying with him is because his family…gives you presents? Or because you don’t feel like explaining it to your friends? Come on. You don’t want to marry the guy; you don’t want to kiss the guy. Game over. Grab a suitcase and relocate to your parents’ for a while if you don’t want to deal with all the break-up stuff all at once, but — you’ll have to deal with it.
If your friends and family don’t get it, well, they don’t have to. It’s not their life you’re living; it’s yours, but you’ve got it on cruise control right now and you’re not happy. I know you’re terrified, and that’s normal, but honestly, I think you’ll feel better and more confident about things if you take some action here — make a decision one way or the other and deal with it. You’ll be sad, sure, but I think you’re more afraid of that than you need to be; sadness is normal, it always passes, and you have a counselor to help you work through things.
You can do this — whatever “this” turns out to be. Do it.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette kids workplace
