Is there a polite way to tell someone that their table
manners are horrid? I have an friend who has to be the
most disgusting eater I’ve ever seen. He puts his
face right down near his plate, makes a bug-eyed “ooo,
big food” face while he shovels it in, chews with his
mouth open, smacks his lips, visibly rolls his bolus
around in his mouth, and swallows noisily. It’s
really revolting, and when he asks me if I’d like to
grab lunch or dinner I usually decline and suggest
some other social activity that doesn’t involve the
audible movement of saliva.

Occasionally when I decline he asks why, and I usually
say something along the lines of not hungry/just
ate/completely broke/et cetera. But he’s going on the job
market this year — we’re both grad students — and for
some academic departments, dinner with the candidate
is part of the interview process. I shudder on his
behalf to think of what search committees will think
when he starts displaying his mouthful of half-chewed
salmon. Obviously my assessment of his manners won’t
determine whether he gets a job (luckily for him), but
I don’t think he’s aware of what he looks like, and I
don’t know that anyone on his academic committee has
had opportunity to notice. Should I assume that I am
hypersensitive to these things and that more laid-back
dining company won’t be as put off, or is there a
polite way I can suggest he might try chewing with his
mouth closed for a change?

Signed,
My cat is less gross and she eats her own puke

I am an Ivy-educated lady with a really good job and a Sunday Mass habit. Still, I have recently realized I have a serious prostitution fantasy and I’m thinking of carrying it out. Here’s my question: Do you think it’s safer if I host them in my home or go to theirs? I’m scared to have people know where I live, but I know I could walk into a Bundy-style tricked-out serial killer den. I know I’m dealing in a dangerous situation to begin with, but which do you think might be safer?

If I wanna be freaking, selling on the weekends…

About three months ago a position opened up at my current place of
employment. I had a friend that I recommended for the position and he ended
up getting it. Now there’s lots of history between said friend and I, he’s
a good friend in that he’s helped me in so many ways I can’t even begin to
list here. This job has been a godsend for me — decent pay, excellent work
environment, fabulous benefits — and said friend was sorely in need of these
things. However, he has a rather checkered work history: getting jobs he
can’t (or won’t) keep.

We had a conversation when I first mentioned the
position and he expressed some fears about not being good enough for the job
(I guess based in insecurities since he had just been fired from a job that
was helping him out of a financial hole). And since I would kind of be his
boss, he asked, “What if you have to fire me?” I said, “Don’t give me a reason
to have to.” And that was the end of it.

During training he picked up the new computer system quickly and had great
customer service skills, so it seemed promising. However, now that he’s
been here almost three months, he’s very clearly the weak link in our
team. He shows up perpetually late, on at least one occasion has called me
on my day off to cover the desk for him because he forgot that he had to
pick up his daughter, and one day, we had a large group in the house and when
I came on in the afternoon to relieve him he had only accomplished a very
small fraction of the things that were supposed to be accomplished before I
got there. I’m not bitter that I had to work, but I practically cleaned the
entire 13,000-square-foot house in the time it took him to change the sheets
on 18 beds.

His basic problem as I see it is that he’s just irresponsible. Granted, he
does have partial custody of his two-year-old and that is difficult. I do
give him that. But I know plenty of people who have kids (including the
other person who works with us) who are able to accomplish the basics like
getting to work on time. And, when I approach him with mistakes he’s made
all he does is give me excuses as to why it’s not his fault that he made a
mistake.

Hold on…I am getting to my question.

Now, my boss has mentioned to me on a couple of occasions that he’s not
happy with the work that my friend has been doing. I also know from his
track record that he’s probably not going to do anything about it, namely
fire my friend. And I’m not worried that my friend’s shortcomings are
going to affect my boss’s perception of me. But do I go to my friend and
tell him he needs to get his act together? It’s not really in my job
description to handle personnel issues, but I want my friend to succeed…in
something, and at the same time — as his direct superior (kind of) — I’m
frustrated by his performance. Do I say something or do I let him dig his
own grave?

Thanks in advance for your sage advice,
Putting the “middle” in middle management?

I have a long-distance relationship problem, which is a bit unusual
compared to a “normal” relationship (whatever that means). The boy —
let’s call him “Joe” — and I have been dating for three years. Without
getting too much into detail since it’s just back story, we met through
family while I was home on a visit from my life abroad in Asia almost
exactly three years ago. We hit it off, I looked at is as a fling, but he
was really “besotted” for lack of a better word and pursued me hard
core. He visited me while I was abroad (his first time ever leaving
the country, so it was a big deal at the time for him), we had the seven-hour phone conversations, flowers, et cetera.

I
really fell for him, too, although a bit more cautiously. I was
applying to graduate school at the time, and did not factor him into
the equation at all when I made my choice about where to go, since I
didn’t expect the relationship to last due to obvious problems. I
ended up picking a school in the midwest, and he’s on the east coast.
I hadn’t even applied to a school in his city, so it wasn’t really an
option to consider the relationship when making my life choice at the
time. I did quit my job in Asia a few months early to spend some down
time at my parents’ (also on the east coast, but three hours from Joe) for
the summer at that time, and we got to see each other every other
weekend or so that whole summer. The time together really sealed that
we were falling in love.

So, fast forward to now — the relationship has continued for three years
now, but both of us living in different cities. The topic of living in
the same city only really was considered once after we’d been together
a year or so, I nudged him to move — I’m in a PhD program, so it will
be six years or so total (at least!) for me here. He looked, but
couldn’t find a “dream” job, and the truth is his job now is amazing
and they pay for him to get his MA at night in his field, so I just
felt guilty pushing the issue since it’s not like I am going to live in
this city forever. The relationship hasn’t been without big bumps,
especially last summer when we broke up due entirely to the stress of
the distance. He did the breaking, and then begged for several months
to get back together. Now HERE comes the question (sorry it took so
long!).

He basically told me when we were talking about getting back together
that he really needed to be in the same city with me for some time to
feel more “sure” that this is the right thing for us, and that we
aren’t just wasting time (we are both 29 now). Obviously it’s abnormal
to have a relationship that has been long-distance the whole time. So,
he asked me to move to the city he lives in for the summer. This means
forgoing academic summer positions for me, but I have talked to my
advisor about things, and she thinks I have plenty of good Research
Assistant experience already, and that going away for the summer won’t
hurt me if I can stay focused on my own work in my free time.

So, I’ve
been looking into jobs, saving money (which as you may know is VERY
difficult on a grad student salary — basically means I have bought
nothing but food), and preparing to move in a few months. However, I
don’t have a living situation sorted out. Joe has three roommates and
rents a house, and is “uncomfortable” with the idea of asking his
roommates to take in someone else for four months. He is pushing me to
sublet my place and try to get a room near him, but I own a condo here
and have a roommate, and am not comfortable having someone I don’t know
at all stay here in my my room in my absence and foisting the aggro on
my roommate for the summer. I have LOTS of valuable things here (from
when I had “real” jobs), and imagine if I did sublet that it would mean
getting a storage unit, redecorating to remove anything important to me
and roommate, and just a lot of problems that I am not sure I’m ready
to handle.

I guess the big sticking point that is needling me is that
I feel he’s the one putting this demand on the relationship, but he’s
unwilling to put the effort forth to make it happen. Like I’m trying
to find a job, save money, and sort out how I’ll get feedback from
faculty here on my work while away, and he’s basically sitting back and
doing nothing except putting off even talking to his roommates about
whether an arrangement can be made (me cooking for them and
contributing to food or something — I don’t know). He isn’t wealthy by
any means, but he’s obviously more financially secure than me, but he
isn’t offering to pay for me to sublet a place (even to try to split
the cost) either, and when I brought it up he flatly told me he can’t
afford that. I then urged him to take this as an opportunity to move —
living with three roommates in a dumpy house at 29 is a bit frat-boyish at
this point — but he stubbornly refuses because he likes said
arrangement.

Am I crazy feeling that he’s not really that into making
this happen? What would you do in this type of situation? I think
this might be the person for me, or else I wouldn’t have stuck out the
long distance this long, but I sometimes wonder if we can’t do this for
the summer, how will we ever ultimately get married and pick up to a
new city when I get my degree? I am not ready to be the one making all
the sacrifices, but that seems to be what he wants. Like if he can’t
give an inch now, how can I expect a really big sacrifice on his part
later when I’m on the academic job market?

Help, Sars,
PhDumb At Relationships

I really enjoy your well-grounded advice, so I’m writing. Thanks in advance for just reading this…

My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now (living together for the last year), having known each other for seven. Needless to say, after such a long friendship, we know each other pretty well, and there’s a lot he gets about me that’s lost on other guys (like my bizarre-o sense of humor).

But…my issue with this otherwise great relationship is that he doesn’t quite have it together. When we moved in together last year, it was his first time ever living outside his mother’s home (and he’s 26). He hates his crappy graphic design job (low pay, no respect), but has been there for over two years, and hasn’t even got a portfolio and/or resume together. I mean, nothing, nada! Hasn’t worked on them at all.

Since he makes less than I do, when we moved in together, we agreed that I would pay more of the rent for the time being, but he would work at getting a better job. He hasn’t done anything, and I’m peeved.

I’m peeved not only for myself, but for him. He’s a beautiful person, but I get the sense that he’s foundering a bit right now. I think there’s some element of depression going on — he admits to feeling really apathetic, and our sex life is nonexistent.

I don’t want to give up on him if he really is depressed, but my big fear is that I’ll always be pulling more of the weight in this relationship, in terms of doing the nitty-gritty adult stuff. I’m worried that he’s not that ambitious, and by ambitious I do NOT mean in a social-ladder-climbing way, but in a realizing-a-goal-and-working-toward-it way.

I’m getting frustrated (probably because of the aforementioned sex drive issue).

Any pearls of wisdom?

Many thanks,
Michelle