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The Vine: February 16, 2006

Submitted by on February 16, 2006 – 1:38 PMNo Comment

Keeper of sage advice,

Life has not been easy, as it rarely is. I grew up in a little tiny town of about 100 people on the eastern edge of Alaska. Yup, the freezing middle of nowhere. My parents passed away when I was about seven, and I ended up living with my mother’s second husband, Dell. To sum it up, Dell was an abusive, manipulative asshole which the whole town adored. The town grew to hate me because I was always very vocal of exactly what I thought of their hero. After years of beatings and torture, among other things, I left at 17 and never looked back.

Now 21, I have gotten word that Dell is on his deathbed, expected to pass within a week or two. Of course, my first reaction is to simply say another prayer to damn him to hell, but my therapist disagrees. One would think to follow the advice of their therapist, but personally I think she’s an idiot and am currently looking for a new one. Obviously, I don’t want to go. I know a large part of that is a fear of returning to the same vulnerable place I was at when I left. Beyond the physical scars that remain, the years there emotionally destroyed me, and I fear history would repeat itself if I were to return.

What do you think, do I go deal with a town that hates me to say goodbye to a person I wish I’d killed myself? Obviously, I’m extremely angry, bitter, and hurt from those years long ago, do you think this might provide an opportunity to close that door and heal some of that anger? Is my apprehension irrational?

Thank you in advance,
Looking for an early birthday present

Dear Early,

Something to keep in mind, at this point, is that you’d be returning to the town on your own terms…and leaving again after only a couple of days. You’re not really at the mercy of the situation and these people the way you were as a child. So, maybe it’s worthwhile to go back and see Dell into the ground, physically and metaphorically.

If you really can’t stomach the idea, I don’t think you should force yourself, but I don’t think your therapist is a complete idiot, either. There’s a reason, as a society, that we have certain rituals surrounding death, and if what you want is to put Dell and that town behind you forever, maybe you have to go back one last time in order to do that — take part in the ritual of saying goodbye, even if it’s not sadness you feel.

Think about why you immediately go to “this is a terrible idea” (beyond the obvious, I mean) and want to change therapists. Think about why this is something you don’t want to face (again, beyond the obvious), and whether or not that means you should face it. I can’t tell you that, and I don’t think it’s going to haunt you if you don’t go, necessarily. But it might help you to come back to that situation able to control it.

You’ll do what you think is best. Just consider it.

Sars,

A dramatic and long-since-over love situation seems to be running away from “closure.”

I met a seemingly wonderful male classmate and we sparked right away. We began gaming online together for several hours a day. And flirting madly. But, he had a girlfriend of four years. I was unfortunately still living with an abusive ex-boyfriend during this time, and not surprisingly, fell into a horrible depression. I was a mess, and mainly due to my strong feelings for Classmate. I asked Classmate if he wanted “anything [romantic] with me.”

He told me he would if it were an alternate universe and he were single, but that his girlfriend was his priority. He told me it was best we didn’t see each other alone, ever, for fear of hormones taking over. I was disappointed, but I felt better. I was happy to have escaped uncertainty.

We stayed friends (yes, mistake) and soon he started talking about his feelings for me, musing about being married to me in twenty years, me moving in with him immediately, and inviting me over at midnight. Eventually, he confessed he was seriously thinking about leaving his girlfriend. He drug the both of us (his girlfriend and myself) through weeks of “not knowing” and “making a decision.”

I put my ex-boyfriend on a plane home, finally. The next day, Classmate asked Girlfriend for a break. He said it was for the best, that he could be with me, but “not that night.” The next day he said he couldn’t live without her and after a few (in his mind) “closure emails,” never talked to me again. I had been absolutely head over heels for him and was devastated.

The next day, my Very Best Friend who (admittedly) knew knew knew I had absolutely no interest in him and knew knew knew it was the wrong time to ask me out…he asked me out. I felt truly alone and plummeted into extreme depression.

But wait, there’s more.

Eight months later I had “recovered,” and Girlfriend couldn’t have hated me more. Unfortunately, she worked at my school. She told her superiors I was constantly coming into the area where she worked (three times in as many months) to harass her (I’d never talked to her), and asked that I not be allowed in that area of the school anymore. They said okay, but, oops, forgot to tell me about it, and oops, I went in there again. So, Girlfriend told Very Best Friend to tell me that I could get expelled if I went in the lab again. Uh WHAAAAT?!

On top of that, she and/or friends of hers badmouthed me and spread lies and rumors. I lost “friends” over it. I wanted to tell her I wasn’t Evil Other Woman who Classmate couldn’t fight off fast enough. And to please stop lying about me. But I also felt some kind of obligation to tell her The Truth. She never knew he and I spent intimate real-life time together (no sex). Some of the things that she doesn’t know happened are things that I know she’d consider very serious, mainly because she’s been consistently lied to (I know this through a close and dear mutual friend). However, I didn’t feel confident that my motives weren’t really to break them up. So, I kept my mouth shut.

Fast forward to me graduating and moving 1300 miles away for a fantastic job. Right now, I’m planning to marry an absolutely wonderful man who actually loves me the way I am (insert everything that could possibly be good on paper about a man and a relationship, then multiply it by true love). Oh, and I finally think Classmate acted like a total shithead.

I don’t have feelings for him at all anymore and so…my motives aren’t clouded anymore. I’ve “forgiven” both of them, but I can’t seem to shake thinking about this situation from time to time, and I have a strong desire to contact Girlfriend (they are still together). Why can’t I let this go? Should I try to forget it (and how?!) or should she hear The Truth?

Thanks,
Wanting to move on

Dear Then Do It,

God, move on. It’s college drama, and it’s over, allegedly, but your motives still seem pretty “clouded” to me. You want someone else to feel as hard done by as Classmate’s chain-yanking as you did; you want to get her back, put her through what you went through. Understandable, emotionally, but…that won’t happen, and for the sake of your dignity, it shouldn’t. You’re marrying someone else; leave these people to their whatever.

They treated you like crap; you permitted it. Consider it a lesson learned re: standing up for yourself, but beyond that, they’re out of your life. Keep it that way.

Dear Sars,

Please help!

I’m 26 years old, half a semester away from my M.A. in German, and I feel a little bit hopeless in the relationship area. I haven’t really had a long-term relationship in like five years. I’m really starting to feel like there is something horribly wrong with me or if I’m just hideous. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind being alone. In fact, I like it most of the time. I like doing what I want, when I want. I don’t need a guy (obviously, or I would have found a solution by now) to feel good, but after five years, I feel as though this is getting ridiculous. It’s gotten to the point that I wonder if I might possibly be gay, although I have seriously given it thought and women just don’t do anything for me.

I wouldn’t feel so self-conscious about it, except that there are attractive guys in the program and not one really has paid any attention to me. It’s always my friends they flirt with, my friends who get attention. Everyone likes me, I get invited to all the parties, we have tons of fun. But the guys treat me like a friend or like their sister.

Is it that maybe I don’t dress girly enough? Do I need to be more provocative and strap on some heels (which I refuse to wear because…hello, they hurt!)? I feel like “being myself” isn’t working for me at all, like it’s a bunch of bullshit. I don’t think a guy wants a girl who is low-maintenance. I don’t spend tons of time worrying about what I wear, but do you think that is actually what it is? I’m just not stylish enough? Is it my weight? I’m about 20 pounds overweight. I don’t think I’m hideous…but perhaps I should consider investing in a paper bag. This isn’t a dry spell, it’s the Sahara Desert!

Sincerely,
Ms. Cellophane Shoulda Been My Name Too

Dear Cell,

I really can’t tell you what the problem is. I can’t see you. I don’t know what you look like. I haven’t observed your interactions with boys, or how you act when you and your friends go out. I have, like, no information here.

I can tell you, based on experience, that some guys like a girly girl and some guys like a tomboy, some guys like the heels and some guys like sneakers — every guy is different, but if they think you think you’re a dog, or not as pretty as your friends, or not ask-out-able, they probably won’t be interested. It’s not something they’ll be able to put their fingers on if asked directly; they’re probably not going to say, “Well, her body language indicates to me that she thinks she’s fat, and I don’t need that neurosis,” but it’s something people pick up.

Start believing you’re worth flirting with. Start actively not caring about the dry spell. In the absence of any proof that you’re gross, which I’m certain is not the case anyway? You’re giving off an “I’m gross” vibe. Stop doing that, see what happens. Also, start looking outside your program for suitable boys. It might help if you had a broader base of potential smoochees.

Dear Sars,

I’m in a semi-long distance relationship with a guy
whom I care very deeply about. We’ve been exclusive
for over a year so far, though we “courted” each other
for probably six years before that (even when we were
dating various other people) — I’m only 21, so he’s
been a pretty significant part of my life. The problem
is that something keeps happening when I get to this
point in a relationship: the guys don’t want to kiss
me anymore.

I’m not expecting the heavy make-out
sessions of the first few months; a peck now and then
would satisfy me. I see my guy two or three weekends a
month, so I would expect that in the short time we
have together each time he’d want to kiss at some
point, but no. I’ve very content with the level of
intimacy between us beyond kissing except that the
absence of kissing during other acts is starting to
make me feel cheap.

As I said, this is a pattern with guys that has
bothered me before. Each time I’ve tried to talk to
any of them about it (including the current one) they
get very uncomfortable and brush me off, giving me the
feeling that it’s my fault and they don’t want to tell
me the real reason. My current guy smokes and uses
that as an excuse but I see through it. Can’t he brush
his teeth or chew some gum? Can’t he kiss me before he
smokes his cigarette? I brush my teeth frequently, I
keep my lips smooth, so I wouldn’t think it’s a smell
or touch issue on my part. Random people make moves to
kiss me on occasion (I always refuse of course) and
each boy was very excited about it in the beginning,
so what keeps happening?

You usually tell people to talk about it, but I’ve
tried and each time been shot down. I’ve considered
that maybe I’m too pushy and so I have tried several
times to back off for a while and give him the chance
to make the move, but no move comes. I’ll probably try
that again this weekend when I see him, but I don’t
know what makes me feel worse, having to steal kisses
or having none at all.

I’m not going to leave him over this in the near
future, but it affects my self-esteem and makes me
unhappy. I’m also afraid that it’s just a pattern and
no matter who I’m with I’ll have the same result after
the same amount of time. Does this happen to
everyone? Is it just the guys I’ve been picking so
far? Is there something wrong with me that makes
kissing unattractive?

Sincerely,
Besame Poco

Dear Poco,

I think that, to a certain extent, yes, it happens in a lot of relationships. Kissing for hours, after a certain point, comes to be seen as…inefficient (and not just by guys).

But if they never kiss you anymore, not even during/right after having sex, and to a man they won’t talk about it with you? I think, unfortunately, that that goes beyond “I’m just not that into it,” which presumably one of them would have just said. You might be a bad kisser.

Nobody wants to hear that or think that about herself, it’s true, but I think you need to sit your boyfriend down and tell him what you just told me, concluding with, “When you won’t kiss me and you won’t discuss the issue, I have no choice but to conclude that my kissing is a gauntlet you ran in order to have sex with me, but don’t want to run anymore because I’m bad at it. If that’s not true, tell me what the deal is; if it is true, tell me how I can improve, because the situation is hurting my feelings.”

Maybe it is just the guys you’ve picked so far, and yes, after a while, you don’t spend a lot of time just fooling around when you’re in an established relationship. But if it’s a sample size of more than two guys, and they really don’t want to kiss you at all, it’s…probably you. The good news is, it’s fixable; you’ll just have to rip the scab off this one time.

Hello, Sars!

I was hoping you could help out with something, as this is one of those
things I can’t really ask Ma and Pa about, seeing as I’m looking for advice
on how I should come out to them. (And any actual advice columnists in my
particular area would say “Go to Christian reparative therapy, sinner, it’s
not too late!”)

I’m in my last year of Australian secondary schooling and in a fantastically
supportive family. I do not worry about how my family would react to my
coming out in and of itself. I worry that it will shock them to realise
exactly how many “deviant” folk we have in our flock. My parents would be
able to deal with one gay child gracefully, but they might struggle with the
fact that — well, the majority (three quarters) of their children are gay.

Statistically, we’re freaks. I have no idea if this has something to do
with how we were raised or our environment, so I’m not going to say “it’s
just a fluke, how bizarre is that?”, because I’m not 100% sure of that. But
if I don’t say “I’m certain it’s just a weird coincidence,” and manage to
miraculously convince my parents of that, they might blame themselves for
“screwing us up.” (That’s not how I see it, but they very well might.)

I love my parents desperately. I don’t want them hurt by this. Can you
think of anything I could do to make this situation a bit better? Would you
have any advice at all for how we should deal with this when it inevitably
comes up some time in the future?

I’d be really grateful for any advice you’d have, even if it’s “for Christ’s
sake, just tell them you’re a nun!”

Thanks,
Our pink sheep are in the majority

Dear Pink,

Let them handle the information in their own way. I don’t mean to sound insensitive, and it’s nice of you to worry about how they’ll feel, but — you can’t change the facts, neither can they, and it’s really up to them to incorporate the information (or not) and focus (or not) on whether their kids are happy, versus “normal,” which, whatever. Families with all straight kids have their own problems. Nobody in your family is in jail or on drugs, so…

This isn’t an aspect of their reaction that you can control, I’m afraid. I think all you can really do is hope they have the grace not to start rending their clothing all “what did we do wrong?!”, which to my mind is a bit insulting and implies that you are “deviant” in some way, which you aren’t. The best thing, I imagine, is to trust them not to guilt you about their issues.

But again, if that’s a conversation they think needs having, it’s for them to have with each other, if at all. Don’t give yourself more work in the situation.

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