I’m on the verge of a big life-defining decision, and trying to make it is
proving to be beyond me. I’d love to hear what you’d do in my situation, or
at least what factors you think should be weighed most heavily. First, some
background. And, I apologize in advance for the level of detail and length
— brevity is not my strong suit. Feel free to edit this down if you decide
to publish it.

I studied physics for my undergrad degree (with a good deal of economics and
women’s studies on the side), and worked for several years doing research in
the high-tech industry. It was fine, I liked the money and got some
satisfaction out of the day-to-day challenges, but always felt like
something was lacking. Global poverty, globalization, the environment,
human rights — these are the things that matter to me. A little over a
year ago, I was laid off from my job, like so many high-techies, and decided
I would finally follow through with my on-hold plan to go back to school and
change careers. Law school seemed like a good choice: I like to argue, I
like to reason through a problem, I can usually see both sides of a
situation, and I liked the versatility of a degree like law. It could lead
to many careers, and I might actually be able to earn enough to pay off the
significant debt I’d have to take on while also actually helping people in
the areas that concern me.

I applied and was accepted to some good schools. In the end, I also applied
to some Master’s programs in International Affairs (MIA), since I wasn’t
sure that law was the only good choice I could make. I’ve narrowed down my
options to two: Columbia in NYC for an MIA, and Ottawa/Carleton (I now live
in Ottawa) for a joint law degree/MIA. And now I’m stuck. I can talk
myself into either of these options for different reasons, and I just don’t
know how to choose. But I have to choose soon. There are too many planning
details to tackle that I can’t start on until I’ve made a decision. Here’s
how I’m looking at each choice.

First of all, I never thought I’d get into a school like Columbia, and had
never really thought about the reality of going there until I got in. I
visited NYC for the first time a couple of months ago, and I loved the city, loved the
school, loved the program, and made up my mind to go there (temporarily —
the decision became confused when I found out I got into the Ottawa joint
program as well). My feeling was that if I didn’t try taking this kind of
opportunity, I would regret it. In the last year or so I ended both a
long-term relationship and a long-term job; I’ve always had a kind of
lingering dream in the back of my mind to live in a place like New York and
go to a prestigious school with a beautiful campus, so it seems like perfect
timing — opportunity and the freedom to do it — to go to Columbia. The pros
are the school’s reputation, the excitement of moving to NYC, it is only a
two year program (and, since I’m 31, that has some appeal), and I think I
would love the courses and type of work it could lead to.

The cons are the
enormous cost of going to Columbia (most of which would be loans with U.S.
banks — we’re talking huge debt), not knowing anyone in NYC, lower standard
of living (dorm room at Columbia vs. my own apartment in Ottawa). The dorm
would be in an international residence in NYC — which would be really cool,
living with people from over 100 countries. If I move to the U.S., I can’t
keep working for my current employer (visa restriction), who is willing to
offer me occasional contracts to help me with the money flow while I’m in
school. Also, at the moment I don’t want to end up moving to the U.S.
permanently — my ideal is to have a base in Canada long-term, with a job
that requires some travel. I’m afraid if I go to Columbia, all of the
contacts I make will be in the U.S., and inertia will have me staying there.

The biggest con to choosing Columbia is that I won’t have a law degree,
which had been my main plan for several years. The LLB/MIA joint program
had been my first choice for most of this process (when I never seriously
thought I’d get into Columbia). The Ottawa LLB/MIA program is four years
long, so it also adds up to quite a large debt, and I would feel more
comfortable with that debt if I had a law degree in my pocket, and if that
debt is held with Canadian government loans/bank loans. I’m also not 100%
sure that IA is what I want to do, and if I stay here, I’ll have both the
LLB and MIA, so I assume will automatically have more job options open to
me, an appealing position when I don’t have a clear vision of what I want to
do. The law degree just seems like a valuable thing to have, and I think
it’s something I would really enjoy and be good at. I know I wouldn’t do it
after Columbia, because of the enormous debt from that program.

I have many friends here in Ottawa, and am in general pretty happy, so it’s
appealing to stay here for that reason too. I’m a bit of a shy person and
being in new situations with new people has sometimes caused me anxiety,
however, I usually come out of these situations feeling they went a lot
better than I expected, and have eventually managed to make new friends most
places I’ve lived. I moved around a lot during/after university, but feel
like I have some roots here now for the first time. At 31, maintaining
these long-term friendships is pretty important to me.

Truthfully, I’ve
been in a bit of a rut for the last several months (remember that layoff and
breakup?). I spend a fair bit of time by myself, and have a serious problem
with procrastination and motivation. I feel bad about myself because being
only quasi-employed, I have a lot of free time to spend on whatever I want,
but I end up wasting a lot of time, doing just enough to get by with my job
and other responsibilities. I think this is partly what’s making it so hard
for me to decide — I’m not exactly at my best in the self-esteem department
at the moment, feel bad about myself more and more for not making up my
mind, and the self-doubt just leads to more procrastination and lack of
motivation in making the decision.

Sometimes I doubt whether I’ll be any
good at either option. I can’t seem to decide if a move to NYC in a high
pressure school like Columbia would help kick me out of my rut and be
exactly what I need to move forward with my life, or just be more than I can
or want to handle. I’m afraid to move there and either be a failure or just
hate it (not likely, I hope — I’ve always done a good job with things I’ve
committed to in the past — but of course possible.) I’m also afraid that if
I stay here, it will be so easy to continue on with my somewhat
self-destructive lazy habits, and I’ll feel bad about not taking the risk.

So, basically, any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated.
I’m a mess, I know. I just need to decide and move forward, and try not to
regret whatever I give up. I realize the best way would be if I knew what
kind of job I wanted after the degree — but that’s just not going to happen
before I need to decide. I just want to pick the best choice for me
emotionally and practically. Practically, I think Ottawa is the best
choice, in certain emotional respects also, but I just can’t forget that
kind of euphoric optimistic feeling of happiness I had when I visited
Columbia/NYC — a kind of rare feeling for me these days.

Thanks in advance,
Just Decide Already

However, now that I’m here, I’m
starting to question my decision. I’m not sure I’d be that great of a
teacher. I’m afraid I’ve chosen this major because I really don’t know
what to do or can’t think of anything better. And I seriously doubt that
should be the driving goal in teaching children their life lessons. I
spoke with my parents, but they really want me to continue with what I’m
doing. I don’t want to end up regretting my decisions twenty years down
the road.

My questions are as follows: is there any way to really check
out all the other things I could be doing? What should be the determining
factors in choosing a major? And is it really possible to incorporate
what you enjoy with your career? Any comments would be appreciated.
Thanks a bunch, Sars!

Sincerely,
Insert Clever Name Here

I am 25 years old and have been happily married for four months, but my husband and I have lived together for a total of five relatively happy years. Lately, I have been having some dreams that have been bothersome.

I am not sure what’s relevant here, so I’ll include a back-story (sorry). There was a guy (about two years older than me) I was friends with in high school. I eventually developed a major crush on him, but having never had any guy experience, I was terrified to say anything. He spent most of his high school years taking care of his sick mom, who died from cancer shortly after he graduated. He didn’t have much time for a social life. I knew this, and we remained friendly.

As time went on, my feelings intensified. I never said anything to him, but he had to know how I felt, since I was practically stalking him and flirting with him constantly. We hung out all the time and were pretty close. Mutual friends also pointed out to him how I felt, but he was a very private person, and refused to respond to anything they said about a potential relationship. The first Christmas after his mom died, I baked him an apple pie because I knew he’d be lonely at Christmas. I drove to his house in the middle of a blizzard to give it to him, and he was flustered and didn’t seem to know what to say. After standing on his stoop and shivering for a few minutes, having not been invited inside, I excused myself and wished him a Merry Christmas.

At that time, I decided to give up on him, as I figured he just didn’t want to be anything more than friends. Time went by, I dated some guy, we broke up, I moved in with my future husband. I hadn’t thought of the old friend in years, and all was well. Out of the blue, I got an email from the old friend. He mentioned that it took him forever to track me down, and that he was hurt that I just stopped talking to him. He mentioned that he was sorry he didn’t have a lot of time for me (or any of his friends) back then, as his mom had just died, so he was busy working full-time and trying to put himself through college.

Immediately, my old feelings for him came back. This upset me, as I had been living with my future husband for two years at this point, and was very in love with him. I emailed back, stating that I was sorry I had fallen out of touch. He wanted to get together. I did not. I was very uncomfortable with the resurgence of my feelings for him. He thought that he’d always been a good friend to me, and felt I owed him an explanation of why I cut him out. I agreed and I poured my heart out to him about how I had loved him so much, but it never went anywhere, and how I didn’t think I could trust myself to be friends with him, as it would jeopardize my current relationship. He seemed stunned by this, and said he had no idea I had felt that way about him. He said that he had never had a girlfriend, simply because he didn’t have the time. He did not say whether or not he would have been interested in me if he did have the time. He acted pretty pissed that I didn’t want to be friends anymore. I didn’t respond to his email.

It’s three years later. I haven’t talked to him since the soul-baring email. I rarely remember that he exists. I am very happy with my husband. But for the last year or so, I’ve been having vivid dreams about my old friend. All are very passionate. In the dreams I am always very upset because I love my old friend so much, but I also love my husband, and I am always forced to make a choice between the two. In the end, it always ends up that I lose both my old friend, because he decides he doesn’t want me, and my husband for cheating on him. In the days following one of these dreams, I always feel extra ass. I find myself wondering what he’s doing, and wondering why I am such a fucking horrible wife for having these recurring dreams about someone from my past, when my husband does a great job of filling all my physical and emotional needs.

I know that dreams are totally random, and don’t always mean something, but don’t they sometimes have some significance? About what’s going on in your subconscious? Do I subconsciously wish I were with him instead of my husband? Is it because I only dated one other person before my husband? Is it because my old friend reminds me of my high school days, which I sometimes long for when faced with the realities of adulthood now? Is it because I’m an insecure person by nature, and wonder why he didn’t want me? Does it mean I am going to have marital problems? I rarely find myself lusting after other men in my waking hours, and when I do, it’s someone safe, like a celebrity that I know I will never encounter (mmm Kiefer Sutherland). The fact that these dreams revolve around someone that I know in person bothers me. Do you think this is all totally random, or do you think I need some kind of closure? Should I contact him? Would this make thing worse? Christ, this is long. I feel a little better just typing this all out. I will stop talking now.

Signed,
I baked you a fucking apple pie, what do you mean you “had no idea”?

So, here’s the thing. I’m a 21-year-old college senior trying to figure out
where to go to medical school next year. I am going to college in a large and
more or less repulsive Southern city, in the same state I’ve lived in since
childhood, and I am aching to escape this city and state and experience
something a little different (and a little less red-statey). I’m applying to
schools in cities like Chicago, NYC, Boston, and Philadelphia, as well as to
schools in my home state. I’m afraid that if I don’t leave my home state now,
I might never escape, and I don’t want to die here. Also, I’d like to live in
a city where it’s easier to find people to date, as I’m really worried that I
won’t find anyone in this city and I’m always thinking that I’ll be alone
forever if I don’t do all I can to surround myself with eligible bachelors,
which is an endless source of angst for me.

I would love to go to any of those cities. The problem: money. I come from a
fairly affluent background, which means that I won’t qualify for much
financial aid to put me through med school; schools include your parents’
incomes in their calculations of how much you can afford to pay, and
according to their calculations, my parents can pay it all. However, I’m sick
of being dependent financially on my parents, which in my family means that
they can call all the shots. I’d like to pay almost all, if not all all, of
my med school tuition and living costs myself through student loans. Going
to a med school outside my home state would probably end up putting me around
$300,000 in the hole; going to a med school in my home state would put me
around $100,000 in the hole. Everyone tells me that as a doctor I’ll easily
pay off the loans, but $300,000’s still an intimidating sum to owe at the
tender age of 26, when I’ll graduate.

What do you think? Should I try to escape my home state and spend my way into
oblivion, or resign myself to staying here and saving an assload of money?

Thanks,
Debty McDebtorton

I read your column on acting like an adult once you
hit 25, and I am in complete agreement with exactly
95% of what you said. The other 5%, where I would love
some clarification, surrounds the “staying with a
friend when visiting” thing.

I am going to visit my best friend next week. The way
we have handled this in the past is that, I think
because the point of the trip is to spend time with
her, I stay at her place. When she comes to my city,
she stays with me. I think I might actually feel a
little hurt if she stayed at a hotel instead of with
me (like, what’s wrong with my place — bad water
pressure in the shower?), but I’m not entirely sure.

To your mind, is there any wiggle room about the “get
a hotel room” maxim? I agree that if I am taking a
trip to a city solely to hang out there or for
business purposes, I should stay in a hotel, but if I
am going to another city purely to see a person, and
the city is, I don’t know, like some bonus fun I will
get to experience, is it acceptable to stay with the
friend?

And is there a corollary/exception for relatives? When
I have cousins in town, I usually expect them to stay
with me, and I think they expect the same thing — is
that off?

Thanks,
25 was two years ago