Hi Sars,

This is somewhere between a language and a societal question, so I figure you’re the perfect person to answer it.

What’s up with straight women referring to their female friends as “girlfriend”?This is hardly a new or rare thing, but it’s always confused me.Most women I know don’t call their male friends “boyfriends,” or even “guyfriends,” and men certainly don’t do it ever. I called a friend on it recently and she couldn’t explain why she does it, so we decided to ask you and your readers.

It just seems so antiquated and a little sexist to me.And confusing since “girlfriend” usually has romantic connotations.What’s wrong with just “friend”?

Let’s Just Be Friends

Dear Friend,

I don’t really know where that comes from, and I didn’t really hear it much growing up, either.It’s probably used to describe the make-up of groups of friends to a third party, i.e. “a bunch of my girlfriends and I went to” blah blah, and maybe this is just a Jersey/mid-Atlantic thing, but I have noticed a very slight difference in the pronunciation of “girlfriend” when it means “a romantic partner” and “girlfriend” when it means “friend who is female.”The latter gets elided a little more.

I’ve also noticed that it’s often used by people I would consider a bit more traditional than myself, for lack of a better term — women who might not have as many gay friends, so that confusion would be immaterial; women who might have partners or spouses who disapprove of their spending unchaperoned social time with men; women who themselves don’t spend that much social time with men besides their boyfriends or husbands, “approved of” or not.This is a generalization that obviously won’t always apply; it’s just what I’ve observed, that a woman who would never dream of having a man in her bridal party or at her baby shower is probably more likely to use the term “girlfriend.”

Less traditional women may feel less of a need to delineate the genders of their friends, because it’s just assumed that they have male and female friends both, the male friends are in fact just friends, and the distinction isn’t worth making.

But I am not a speech anthropologist, so I can’t say for sure, and I don’t know where it really comes from or how it came into widespread use.I agree with you that it comes off a bit antiquated, especially when you could just say “my friend, Lisa” and solve the problem that way.

Dear Sars,

My cousin has been married for 10 months. Four months ago, she admitted her husband has been beating her soon after their wedding. They visited a marriage counselor once, who told them to go on an already planned vacation (which ended up with my cousin’s husband’s tearing the hotel phone out of the wall so she couldn’t call security, among many things).

After six months, she finally couldn’t take it anymore and went home (halfway around the world). Unfortunately, her husband returned to his parents’ house (in the same country) and both families met and my cousin and her husband reconciled. Her husband refused to admit to any fault, claimed my cousin provoked him into beating her, but says he won’t do it again.Her husband claimed he would continue counseling but has never set foot near another counselor. My cousin is beautiful, talented, extremely outgoing and friendly — yet he seems to have her completely convinced that he is the only man in the entire world for her and without him she’s nothing.

My question is — can an abuser change? She claims nothing has happened since they reconciled, but as she’s lied to us about this before, I don’t trust her. I don’t think he has changed, I don’t think he will change. Of course, I don’t have any training or know anyone else in a similar situation so this is just a gut feeling I have.

She doesn’t say much about her husband to me and I feel awkward constantly asking how things are going. Aside from going to work, she rarely leaves the house and she never sees anyone except her husband. I only live an hour away from her but every time we invite her over she always has a different excuse. From the sounds of it, she just does whatever he wants to keep him happy — which is actually what’s she’s been doing since they were married, but that never stopped him from beating her before. If he’s not beating her now, I’m afraid he’s going to start again and it’s going to be even worse than it was before.

My cousin is sleeping with the enemy

Dear Cousin,

Yes, an abuser can change.Can change.Doesn’t, always; probably won’t on his own.I can think of an example: a guy had a short fuse, which he lit with booze on a regular basis, and knocked his family around every now and then, but eventually got his act together and quit it for good — but he didn’t just look around one day and decide to stop acting like a shitbag.His wife and his kids all put their feet down and told him, look, you come home lit up, we’re calling the cops.You get yelly, we’re calling the cops.You do it twice, we’re changing the locks and you can live in the car.He realized they weren’t bluffing and that was the end of it.

But everyone’s different; every situation’s different.Some abusers are just bad, fucked-up people; others come from backgrounds or traditions where they learned this behavior, and then the behavior is reinforced accidentally by the victims because the victims, rightly, are afraid, of the abuse, of losing the relationship, whatever.Not to let abusers off the hook by any means at all, obviously; there is no hitting, period, and your cousin’s husband is responsible for his own crappy behavior.

My point is that, if your cousin is holding very still and trying not to screw up and make him mad, while that’s a perfectly reasonable response to a horrible situation, unfortunately it’s not going to change anything in terms of motivating her husband to get correct.It just tells him he has that power over her.

So yes, her husband could change, but if your cousin doesn’t let him know that that shit is done with, he’s going to keep doing it, because he thinks he can.All he learned from the prior dust-up was that, if he hits her and she finally leaves, he can apply pressure to get her back via the families.Staying in touch with her and checking in regularly, even if you think she’s not telling you the truth, is the very best thing you can do in the situation, so that if he’s abusing her and she wants to confide in you in the future, she feels like she’s not isolated.But as far as his changing on his own…based on what you’ve told me, I doubt that’s on the table here, I’m sorry to say.

Hi there,

I am in what some would call a pickle. It’s a long story (aren’t they all!) involving having to navigate my way through the minefield of a seriously catty PhD program after maybe getting a bit too close to my adviser (not in the sexy-pants way, in the party-tastic, blow-and-Rx-drugs sort of way). I will admit it, it was some of the happiest times of my little existence. And not just because I was coked out of my mind but it was nice to be around him and see how his mind worked, etc. Cheesy, I know. I also — like maybe folks when in a blaze of blow — make silly decisions like sleeping with my adviser’s quasi-friends (which always ended amicably)…but again maybe not so good to be in such a close social ring with the people who hold your fate in your hands.

Anyhow, it got ugly when one of my adviser’s actual friends developed a wicked bad crush on me (there were very sappy, unnerving emails written and many attempts to kiss me in bathrooms). I tried to handle it like a lady and remind her that we both had girlfriends and that we were awesome friends. I got the point right about then that maybe I needed to reel it in. I stopped hanging out so much and ended up breaking things off with the dating of the quasi-friend (and ended up in the throes of a do-over relationship with an ex that I just needed to kill me until I was a bit more dead).

All seemed peaceful and happy. I would occasionally hang out with adviser and crew. And harmony seemed to abound. This last summer two things happened, and in this order: 1) the do-over broke up with me in the most heinous and inhumane way (I am talking having to move in the span of two weeks, despite the fact that my name was also on the lease, because the ex just went wonky, but I shan’t regale you with the details) and 2) I had to start TA-ing for my adviser for a huge month-long intensive class that is taught every summer.

Despite the honor of it all, the gig pays like shit which meant I had to take up a desk job ASAP after teaching was over, and so the day after the class ended I found myself exhausted from the break-up/move and the pacing of it all…coupled with a new job and a ton of papers to grade. So, it took me a bit longer than the other TA to get them back to the students.

Now, that said, I always made time to meet with my students and advise them on their writing, etc., and I, of course, turned in their grades, but I really like to write tons of notes and bibliographies/reading lists for them and that was just taking some time. My adviser got a bit terse with me. I apologized profusely (explained that with a new full-time job, I was doing them as quick as possible) and had them in by the end of the week. He apologized for having to be so terse with someone he works with, I responded that I didn’t even take it personally and it was all in the past.

Except it doesn’t feel like it is! I get a total cold shoulder, I mean, he hasn’t even spoken to me since this email throwdown. Not even at the Christmas departmental party. And, the affect (or at least my paranoia) seems to be spreading. It seems like I am being pushed from the fold. It bears mentioning that the aforementioned break-up was with another student in the department. But, dude, she cheated on me and really put me through it during this break-up so I can’t imagine what she could be saying nasty about our break-up. Then again, she is kinda off and thinks that everyone is trying to kill her in some way or another, so who knows.

And this is sorta the point!I have no idea why I am being treated like a smelly cat. Or, how to deal with it. Do I roll with the “it’s only awkward if you let it be awkward” (slightly dissociative sure but whatever) and just greet everyone at the next departmental soiree (it’s in a week!) like nothing ever happened? Do I ask my adviser what is up? I have profusely apologized to him but that’s not working so part of me feels like talking is a bad idea. But, let’s face it, I am a worrier, I fret about everything and this is killing me.

I come to you for social graces and etiquette abounding!

Thanks,

Death by PhD

Dear Death,

Your colleagues think you’re an unprofessional drama queen who doesn’t observe boundaries and doesn’t complete work on time. And…you are that.Not that your advisor’s much better, but that’s not the letter I got, and this is your workplace.You snorted coke with your boss, you slept with his friends, you made some bad decisions in your personal life that negatively affected your work, and now he’s distancing himself, and while he should have done that ages ago anyway, it’s time for you to take the hint, not just from him but about the entire donnybrook.I took a reaming back in the day for calling in with the Sam Adams flu one too many times, and I was mortified and miserable, but I’d done it to myself and I knew it; you don’t seem to get it.You don’t get to shit where you eat and then go around asking everyone why your food tastes like shit.

I’m giving it to you sugar-free right now because you’re acting like you think your advisor’s coolness is the result of something entirely separate from everything else in your letter — like you inadvertently insulted his late mother or something.It isn’t.He’s tired of dealing with your shit and it’s time for you to suck it up.So, just in case you haven’t figured these things out for yourself: 1) don’t fuck your colleagues; 2) don’t fuck your boss’s colleagues; 3) don’t do drugs with your boss, or get really drunk, or consent to make-out sessions with his friends when you aren’t into them That Way; 4) don’t let your personal life splatter the hems of your co-workers; 5) do your shit on time and correctly without making excuses; and 6) if you, a human being like the rest of us, biff one of the first five things in this list, apologize, vow to do better in the future, and stop drawing attention to the goddamn situation.

Go to the party.Have one glass of wine.Talk about inconsequential or departmental things with a few colleagues.Make vague but firm excuses.Leave.Do not apologize anymore, do not worry the bone of the situation with any third parties, do not mention your ex to anyone, do not make a scene if she is present.Chin up, eyes forward, do your work, keep it professional.Do this day after day.Either your advisor will warm back up to you, at which time you should set firm boundaries for yourself about socializing with him and his friends, or he won’t, which who cares as long as he’s doing what he needs to do as far as supervising your work.

You are what you do; we all are.What you do now is grow up, and remember that this too shall pass, which it will, and you will be fine.

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