Long-time listener, first-time caller. When I read Sad Sack Sis’s letter
this morning, I almost fell out of my chair. This letter isn’t really about me, but let’s just say that I could have written it too, though you’d have to change the BB gun to a glass lamp shattered over my head. I digress.

SSS: The easiest way for you to maintain any sanity until you leave for college is to remove yourself as much as possible from your brother’s life. Yes, he’s a total asshole with super-big problems. No, it isn’t fair that your parents treat you like crap and shower him with everything. On some level, they can’t face the fact that their son is a psycho, so they’re probably constantly trying to look for a solution, a way to make the family get along like families “should.” Hence catering to your brother’s every whim.

If they or anyone else tries to make you feel guilty about not having a relationship with your brother, don’t get it into with them or ask them to respect your decision. Or stop talking, so the conversation can’t continue. People who believe that family is family and you need to stick together no matter what probably weren’t shot in the face by any of their siblings, so they have no fucking idea what you are going through.

And, though it seems like a fantasy-land existence, try to focus on the fact that you are going to be a free adult soon. That means not getting beaten by your brother or berated/coerced by your parents. It also means that you get to set your own boundaries with people (i.e. you can cut ties with people who are abusive as hell). It is a sweet, sweet feeling to realize how calm your life can be.

I apologize if this is too long, but I just wanted to say good luck and I really wish you the best getting through all this.

Another “antagonizing” sister

I could have almost written you the letter from Sad Sick Sis a few years ago. My brother is five years older, has always been a problem child, was physically abusive to me, my sister, and my mother, and was sexually abusive to me. I remember being tormented by him about my weight and appearance and I am also bulimic because of it. For much of his life, my brother learned that he could do whatever he wanted because Mom and Dad would never really discipline him. All he had to say are the magic words “But I’m trying to change” and my parents would fall all over themselves to do or spend whatever he wanted. For some reason it always felt that the boy child got whatever he wanted while my sister and I struggled to get recognition and love from our parents.

So having been there, let me tell Sad Sick Sis this: Hang in there. It hurts like hell that your family is dysfunctional and it feels like your parents don’t love you while they have all the time and energy for some fuck-up like your brother. But you only have three years left until you are out. I promise you that it will get better once you are older. You will have to work for that change, but it will get better.

Remember to take care of yourself. When you are from a situation like ours, what you probably want more than anything in the world is to feel good or feel loved. Just be careful that doesn’t come out as a dependence on alcohol or drugs or, even worse, abusive relationships. Do what you can to cultivate a healthy group of friends. It is those friends that have become my true family and they can become your family, too.

Finally, minimize the time you spend with the family. Get (or stay) involved in after-school activities. My involvement in high school drama kept me out of the house and (for the most part) out of trouble. When I wasn’t in a play or working, I would sequester myself in my room and read.

Good luck!
Been There

Just wanted to reply to SSS.

The bottom line when it comes to shitty families is this: we all make choices when it comes to how we treat others, and S’s family is making bad ones, but S doesn’t have to. I know it’s hard to be in a house where you’re treated like a second-class citizen (I did it for 18 years), but when I was at home, every day I consoled myself with the thought that soon I would be out, and I would be different. S can’t leave yet, but here’s a word of advice: prepare to take your leave. Every day.

I know you’ve got three years left, but if things are this bad, they’re most likely not going to get better. What happens in that house is not your fault. Nothing you do will make them respect you. Nothing. And it’s hard when you’re 15, but if you want to survive your teenage years, learn that only you determine what you’re worth — not your parents, not your brother, nobody but you. When you get older, closer to being able to leave, move everything small that you care about (journals, notes, pictures, books, et cetera) to a friend’s house. Make a plan. Start saving money. Be ready to leave their fucking house and never look back. It fucking sucks. But, trust me, I did it and it was the best thing I ever did.

Not Second-Class Anymore

Long-time reader of Tomato Nation, and I just wanted to comment on the letter from Sad Sack Sis. I work at The State Coalition of Sexual Assault Crisis Centers in Virginia (Virginians Aligned Against Sexual Assault), and we sometimes have to deal with domestic violence as a corollary issue. I thought your answer was pretty much right on target, but I think that this girl should be encouraged to contact her local domestic violence program. Laws very from state to state, but her parents have a duty to protect her from her brother. Right now, her letter sounds like she is in an abusive situation, but if she can’t leave, she could at least get free help at her local center, including support groups, counseling, and other resources.

She can her local contact information by calling the National Center for Victims of Crime at 1-800-FYI-CALL. They should point her in the right direction, and her local center can take some of the weight off of her shoulders.

Thanks,
Heavy stuff