In response to Linsay, whose cat is licking all her fur off — my cat
Splinky had a compulsive licking problem also, to the point that she
licked the fur off her feet, and then started licking her paw pads so
raw that she walked with a limp.

It turned out to be simple allergies. According to my vet, the most
common allergies for cats are fish and dairy. I switched Splinky to
regular chicken-and-rice-based food, and water only (no more leftover
cereal milk!), and the licking stopped right away. Linsay might want to
give that a try.

Signed,
Splinky’s mom

There is a Network Administrator that I work with every day. Our jobs
require us to stay on the same page and consult with each other from
time to time. However, our jobs can easily be done without us ever
speaking to each other. Just email updates.

He is not a nice person.
As a matter of fact, he is an ASS. There have been many times when our
Director has had to apologize on behalf of the department because of
something this NA has said or done to one of our clients. You see, he
comes from that older generation of computer geeks, the one in which
the resident guru (which he fancies himself to be) is never questioned.
I work on a college campus. With budget cuts being what they are for
the next few years, there is no way that this man will be fired.
Because if he is, we may not be able to open up the position again.
The problem is that he has been here forever, and while he is not
faculty, it would take pretty much an act of Congress to get him fired
even if they could hire someone else in the position.

For the most part, I never really had a problem with him. His lack of
manners has always been explained by people saying “oh, that’s just how
he is.” I always found this frustrating. You see, I have witnessed him
verbally attack people who have come to him for help, and I hate that
people just allow it to go on. I would even step in from time to time
when I saw it happening and try to help the person myself so that they
don’t think the entire computer support department is like him.

Well, one day last week, he directed his assholishness towards me. Part of
my job responsibility includes checking out resource equipment to the
College at large. I have a system where I use a networked calendar
program to keep track of what’s reserved and what isn’t. Apparently,
any time I am out of the office (vacation, sick days, lunch, et cetera), he
claims that they have a problem with the check-out equipment.
Basically, he says that I am telling people they have reservations
without putting the reservations in the calendar, which is stupidly
untrue. You see, he has access to this system and can check the
calendar to see what equipment has been reserved. I have even shown
him a couple of times where he was looking in the wrong area of the
calendar — or the wrong calendar, for that matter. Every time he has
contacted me at home because of this, I have been able to get online
pull up the calendar and find the reservation without a problem. I
have told him several times that I will gladly show him how the
program works. He has never taken me up on this.

Anyway, the day in question, he emailed me out of the blue telling me
that it makes the entire department look bad when he can’t find
reservations in the calendar, and that while I may not be concerned
with how the department looks, I need to step up and fix the problem
anyway, since it is obviously something that I am doing wrong.

I responded by telling him that I was very offended by his belief that
I didn’t take my job seriously. (I have worked at this job for five years
and while it’s not my dream job, I have enjoyed it.) I take pride in
doing my job well and have never had a problem with anyone else in the
college. I also told him that I cannot fix user error when using the
software, and that if he wants to look into an easier to use program,
that’s fine, I just don’t have the time to do the testing of it.

My
boss was on vacation at the time that NA started this email argument.
NA’s response was that I needed to stop playing the martyr and admit
that I dropped the ball. He said that I should be careful not to get
him on a rant, because there have been plenty of things that I have
completely screwed up and never taken responsibility for (this was
certainly news to me, as I had never had anyone complain to me that I
had done something wrong in my job).

I got our boss involved at this point. I forwarded the emails that
had been sent back and forth, and then I told him that I would not put
up with this guy telling me how to do my job, and that if there is a
problem I would appreciate hearing about it from him (my boss) and not
the NA.

My boss told me that there was nothing that he knew of that I had
completely screwed up. He even told me that when he got back in the
office, he would show me my file, which was full of letters of thanks
from members of the college for the help I’d given them. He told me
that NA was just being a jerk for the sake of being a jerk, and that I
could either ignore it or respond to it. He said that if I responded,
to make sure I carbon copied it to him so that he would have
documentation of the incident if NA did not back down.

So, I sent one final response to the NA. I told him that I don’t know
how to fix a problem that I have never witnessed. I told him that he
had crossed a personal line in attacking my work ethic the way he did
and by calling me a martyr, and then I told him that any future
problems with my work should be taken up with my boss, as I had nothing
else to say to him about it.

He immediately sent a backhanded apology. Basically, he said that he
was sorry he brought this up when I was obviously going through such a
stressful time. He goes on to say that just because he was apologizing
didn’t mean that I had the right to take him to task (I wasn’t sure of
what he meant by that), and that he considered us to be friends. He
said that when I am on I do a great job and that this entire thing got
blown way out of proportion. The fact that the email had been carbon
copied to our boss may have been why he was so quick to respond. And,
even though my boss understands where I was coming from, it still feels
like NA was trying to make the whole thing about something I did wrong
and that he was being the bigger person by apologizing.

The apology has me even more furious. I feel like he was just patting
me on the head and telling me to be a good girl rather than a
hysterical harridan who can’t take constructive criticism. Now, I have
never been the type of person to back down when I believe I am being
mistreated, but now I honestly can’t tell if I am overreacting and
should just accept the apology. I mean, it’s the closest thing that
anyone has ever gotten in the way of an apology from him, so a part of
me feels like I should be grateful.

What would you do if it were you?

Sincerely,
Fuming Fatale

All right — the backstory. I was friends with a girl, Amelia, my junior year in high school who was more or less my rival for the number one spot in the school. We were both tied for the top spot. So, I will not deny that even though we were friendly, there was indeed tension. I’d make some comments — jokingly of course — and sometimes she’d dish them out right back. However (not to downplay my own spurts of what may have been cruelty) she is very unversed socially. Anyway, as this tension was building, she decides to fall for this guy, Tyler…whom I was falling for just a bit myself. However, in my effort to be a good friend, I let her go for it — feeling that since she was so painfully unsociable, it might be nice for her. But — because boys are perpetually stupid, somehow he decided that I wasn’t a good friend to her — so she immediately ceased contact with me — they weren’t going out, mind you, she just wanted to be with him. I resented him greatly for what happened between me and Amelia.

Anyway, months go by, Amelia and I don’t speak, he finally asks her out, she decides she doesn’t even like him “that way” anymore and they’re done. Fast forward to last summer. Out of nowhere, me and Tyler start talking. Eventually, we get really close. We hang out every weekend, talk on the phone for a minimum of at least two hours every night, and share a lot of personal crap. I tried to think of him as just a really great guy friend, but I worried that maybe I felt just a smidgeon of girly love towards him. And it didn’t help that he kept throwing these incredibly frustrating but thrilling mixed signals at me. (He would reassure me nightly that we were really unique because we were so close and still very platonic — however, every few days or so he would inquire if I would ever consider dating him.)

Meanwhile, another friend of mine, Julia, who has some issues about self-worth, was vehement about acquiring a boyfriend. For a while some of us were worried that she had an eating disorder. But I digress…

Long story short, Tyler hated Julia, Julia hated Tyler — and me, trying to be the Good Friend, wanted them to “talk it through.”

You can probably see where this is going, and I mentally kick myself now for not having seen it…

Yes, secretly, Tyler and Julia begin spending time together. Now, Julia was well aware that I was VERY close with Tyler — no mistake there. However, Tyler asked me the night before he asked her out if I “liked him” romantically…I was afraid — rejection is a big deal for me…so I said, “I don’t think so, I’ve never thought about it.” He said all right…and the next day they were dating.

I felt so betrayed. Maybe it was my tiny feelings for him, but I felt more betrayed by Julia than by Tyler. I thought there was an unwritten rule…

Anyway, I sever ties with both of them…Julia doesn’t even call — she never seemed to mind. However, Tyler called every day after that to see if I would come around.

Eventually, after a week of not sleeping and anxiety attacks, I fessed up and explained to him that I may have had feelings for him and that I felt that she’d betrayed me. I also told him that I didn’t even believe she really liked him…that she just wanted him because I did…

He didn’t take that too nicely — he told Julia every word I said and then immediately took her side.

Hurt…embarrassed…slighted…yeah…all that and more.

We told each other horrible horrible things and then a week and a half later…Julia dumps him…through email…I feel victorious, but because he gets depressed easily, I was also terribly concerned about him. But I’m very proud, and I promised myself not to speak to him…

Anyway, months pass…we graduate high school and I am leaving for college in two weeks. Far, far away. Three nights ago, out of curiosity, I see him online and I strike up conversation. After an intensely bitter exchange, we somehow manage to have a conversation. Before I went off to bed, he said that if I “wanted to talk” before I left for college I should call. I told him that I’d prefer him to call so he had to do some effort too. Anyway, last night I somehow gave in and called him. We talked for about an hour…before Amelia came over to his house…

I know that I missed talking to him and I had thought we had a wonderful friendship…he seemed like he wanted reconciliation, but he’s not making any efforts to initiate conversation. He only speaks to me if I start it up…and its very self-defeating…

Should I keep trying until he comes around? Should I forget about him again? I wanted closure, but now I think I want his friendship again…is that possible?

Help, I can’t go to my other friends because they were the ones who helped me bad talk him when I hated him…

Graduated — but still feeling the High School Blues

I am in my second year of college, and already I feel completely jaded about dating and the opposite sex.

To be fair, I was already a little jaded to begin with. In high school, all my friends seemed to always have boyfriends and always liked lots of boys. I never had a lot of boyfriends; usually I didn’t even like most of the guys I knew, at least not in “that way,” and often times it seemed like they acted like jerks anyway. But still, I always felt a little left out, and always wanted to like and date a lot of guys just like my friends. It’s not like I was less attractive or smart or friendly than they were either.

But things haven’t changed in college. It seems to me that the majority of men I meet (whether at school or not) are total jerks. They have no interest in having real relationships, all they want ALL the time is to hook up, they call women “bitches” and “whores,” and they are, in general, rude and obnoxious. What’s worse, it seems that a lot of girls will cater to this kind of behavior just to get attention from them. This doesn’t seem to be something that my other female friends notice or are bothered by. But while I absolutely love college, I’m tired of this familiar scene. At the same time, I want to have a boyfriend too and indulge in normal college-aged crushes.

To make things worse, my boyfriend of eight months, who I met at a party at another college, dumped me at the end of my freshman year. He was a couple years older, my first real relationship, and was nothing like the kind of guy I described above. He wasn’t perfect, but he was respectful, trustworthy, gentle, and on top of all that, very good-looking. After we broke up I was fairly devastated, but it all kind of seemed too good to be true anyway.

I have many great friends, but I don’t date a lot and I never have. It’s hard for me to find guys that I find attractive both mentally and physically. Guys like my ex-boyfriend seem almost impossible to find. I try to keep an open mind when meeting people and I’m not some kind of crazy “man-hater,” but why can’t I just date like a normal college student? Also, should I just give up looking entirely and deal with being lonely until maybe someday I stumble across someone new? I know I’m young, but I don’t want to spend my whole life alone, and that’s where I feel like I’m headed.

Please tell me what you think.

Headed Somewhere

I just recently found out that my good friend, “Mike,” is gay. He came out to me confidentially, and I’ve been helping him adjust to people knowing about his sexuality.

Now here’s the pisser. He’s attracted to teenage boys. My friend is 28 years old. He has developed a crush on our mutual friend, “Tony,” a 16-year-old, and has repeatedly offered him sexual favors that make Tony feel uncomfortable, but Tony continues to hang out with my friend because my friend constantly buys him things (pot happens to be one of them).

I’m not sure what to do for my friend. I guess the best thing to do is turn tail and run, but we’ve been friends for years and I want to help. Do you know of any national groups or programs? I’m not really sure what to do here.

Frightened and Freaked Out