The Vine: February 20, 2007
I have a basic grammar question. In American English, the word “herb” is pronounced without the H, making the first syllable sound like a vowel. So is the correct usage “an herb” or “a herb”? I’m a chef, so your help would be greatly appreciated.
Signed,
I Just Don’t Have The Thyme
Dear Coriander? I Hardly Even Know ‘Er!,
(…Sorry.)
I have to think that it’s “an herb,” certainly when it’s spoken, but when it’s written, I’m less sure. Let me hit the books here…
The only note I can find in my tomes is in the Garner, and it’s about “herbal,” really, but he does say that “an herbal tea” is “more natural.”
In spoken American English, “an herb” is indicated; in written AmE, it does seem like one of those things that the eye wouldn’t necessarily catch, because H is a consonant, so if you render it as “a herb” in print, it’s probably not the end of the world. But I’d go with “an herb.”
Hello,
My grandmother died a few weeks ago after failing (due to old age) for almost a year. At the beginning of the year, she was forced to move out of her assisted-living apartment where she was fairly independent, had friends, participated in activities and so on, to a full-time-care hospital. Unfortunately, she lived near only two relatives — my aunt and her husband — for the last several years, so when her health dwindled so badly, those two had to take on every aspect of her care.
My aunt is a registered nurse, and my uncle is retired, so they were very capable, and they went so far above and beyond what anyone might ever have asked of them. Every moment that my aunt was not at work, she was with my grandmother, and every moment that my aunt wasn’t there, my uncle was. We (the rest of the family) flew in off and on in the last year, but I’m sure it did little to relieve the continous, daily burden on my aunt and uncle, though they were always so pleased and grateful (for Grandma) that we had come. They were so incredibly devoted and kind and conscientious about everything with such a piddling amount of help from family to compare to their monumental effort. Yes, geography was a legitimate problem, and neither has ever indicated in any way that he/she felt the situation was unfair to them, but I think the whole family feels bad (I know I certainly do) that the two had to do so much on their own.
It’s been a few weeks since the funeral, and I’ve been thinking about sending a thank-you card (and maybe a gift), just to say how much I appreciate everything they did for my grandmother and how they simply couldn’t have done a better job. I know my aunt and uncle did exactly what they thought was right, so I don’t want to insult them by insinuating by the card/gift that I’m thanking them for a great sacrifice when they would never, ever consider caring their dying mother/mother-in-law a sacrifice. They’re not at all the types to be easily insulted, but I want to do this only if it will be unequivocally nice for them to receive. I’m also not sure what gift would be appropriate, if I send one with the card. I was thinking flowers.
Do you think this gesture is at all appropriate? And if so, should I include a gift? And is there a better idea for the gift besides flowers? (There must be.)
Thanks Sars!
J
Dear J,
I saw a sign once, at a tire store of all places: “It’s better to say ‘thank you’ and not mean it than to mean it and not say it.” Your second paragraph here would, with a few tweaks, probably be a welcome expression of appreciation for your aunt and her husband. Get out the fancy stationery and go for it.
As far as the gift goes, I’d go with your instincts on that one, but if the real focus of the card is the thanks, I don’t see a problem with letting that stand on its own. If you want to get flowers or a plant or something, go ahead, but I think the card might be more effective if you don’t accompany it with a physical gift.
Maybe treating the two of them to a nice dinner the next time you see them isn’t a bad idea, but I’d definitely send the card — and just the card.
Dear Sars:
I have valiantly combed The Vine
for one of your wonderfully witty responses to
something similar, I wasn’t able to come across
anything like this.
This whole story is convoluted, but boiled down to its
essence: I think I caught my fiance pre-cheat. And
I’m emotionally wrecked…
My fiance and I have been together two years. He was
married before, when he was very young and naive. The
marriage was platonic at best and didn’t last. After
his divorce, he dove head-first into an orgy of sexual
exploration — literally. There was nothing too
“out there” that he didn’t do or try. (If you’re
wondering how I know all of this, he has both told me
and retained some friends from these hedonistic days
who still talk about some of their adventures — and
yes, he has been tested and is clean.) He still
maintains a curiosity about that lifestyle, and
belongs to many online discussion groups. He also
does regular bits of commentary on some sex blogs.
Sex is a big part of our relationship, and all of his
experience has been something of a turn-on for me.
Until recently.
About a week ago, he left his Yahoo account open on my
computer when he left the house to run errands. He
does this sometimes, and I almost always close it and
re-log-in as myself to check my own mail. Around the
time I registered that this was his mailbox and not
mine (all I had done was click the icon and it
opened), I noticed that he had quite a few messages in
his inbox from an ex-girlfriend with whom he maintains
a friendship. Now, this particular ex, J, is really
annoying. I have never liked her: she has absolutely
no concept of boundaries, and is neurotic, negative
and whiny. From the time I met her, it was obvious
she was still very much in love with him. It bothered
me, but I didn’t make too much of an issue of it —
after all, I am still good friends with two
ex-boyfriends. So, they still occasionally talked on
the phone or emailed one another, and I just decided
to let it go.
But here I was looking at his inbox, and there was
note after note from her. I scrolled down the list,
and got the shock of my life as I started reading
them. Apparently, they were planning some sort of
weekend together. This weekend was going to be some
sort of BDSM celebration, and she had lots of
questions about what she was supposed to “do.” His
responses were full of elaborate instructions
detailing what he expected her to do in preparation.
The thing was, my fiance WAS planning to be out of
town that weekend: he had been claiming he had won a
weekend at some sort of fantasy sports camp. I had
never seen any itinerary, but why would I need to?
We’re engaged, I trusted him, he was going to be
driving to a nearby city…
So the shit hit the fan. And this is where things get
SO weird.
My fiance’s story is: J had begun dating some very
sexually inexperienced guy, she wanted to introduce
him to the whole BDSM thing, and asked my fiance to
help her create scenarios for role-playing. So, all
that he had been doing was playing along with this
little plan.
Except…this sounds like so much horseshit.
Besides the “oh, please” factor, she had started
writing a blog where she was detailing this “trip,”
counting down the days to this weekend, and mentioning
my fiance by her pet name for him.
As for his trip, he never went, and I never saw
anything — tickets, itinerary — for it. He didn’t go
because he wanted me to be able to “trust” him, but I
still saw nothing that leads me to believe he actually
“won” this sports-camp weekend.
My fiance points out that logistically, he could not be
having an affair with J, which is true. But that also
just reinforces my suspicions that this is why they
were planning this weekend. I stupidly confronted J,
and she said that this trip was all his idea and that
he always comes back to her. He and I banished her
together, but my anger at him has not abated. He has
stuck to his story, and has apologized for now: “I did
it so clinically. I didn’t realize it was
inappropriate. I am so sorry.”
Blah, blah, blah. I don’t care that he wasn’t
physically unfaithful, and perhaps this is why this
hurts so much. Here was this guy, so open, so
sexually free — I’ve never felt so cherished or
uninhibited. And all this time, he was just lying.
Now, he denies this. Maybe I’m just too invested, but
his story just sounds so ridiculous. Sars, tell me —
am I just trying to rationalize something awful, or
could what he said be true?
Thanks,
Thinking hard about returning the ring…
Dear Think,
You know what jumps out at me in this letter? “I didn’t realize it was inappropriate.” I mean…what? If he didn’t think it was a big deal, why didn’t he just tell you about it? …Oh, that’s right. Because he’s lying.
I think he’s full of crap, but even if he’s telling the truth — even if he really was just trying to help J, and she’s filling in the gaps in a way that favors her story, or whatever — he must have known that J was doing this, he must have known that you would react badly or he would have shared it with you…even in the version of his story where he’s the most innocent, he knew you wouldn’t approve, and would get hurt, and he did it anyway. And he “didn’t realize it was inappropriate”? Come on. He realized it. You realize these things about a woman you’re engaged to. You know what’s going to hurt her feelings and piss her off. You know what I mean? That even in the best-case scenario, he was still willfully clueless and self-absorbed?
And that’s the best-case scenario. What I suspect actually happened is that he did in fact plan this weekend with J, and it may be that he views this as separate from his relationship with you in some way — like, it’s not cheating, it’s just a BDSM “play” thing that isn’t necessarily emotional — but still, J is his ex, and again, if this is “permitted” in his relationship with you, why weren’t you told? …Oh, that’s right. Because he knows it’s not.
I think you need to put the wedding plans on hold and work through these issues — either he really doesn’t understand what the fidelity boundaries are, which I doubt, or he does and he crossed them, which is a big problem, and you really shouldn’t move ahead with this marriage until these trust issues are resolved. No matter what happened, you’re going to have problems trusting him going forward, and that’s not a great basis for a long-term partnership.
Talk through this. Emphasize to him that if he hasn’t been truthful in the past, now is the time, and that if you can’t believe the things he says to you, you can’t be with him. Go to couples therapy if you have to, if you think it’ll help. But like I said, even if he’s telling the truth, something is hinky here vis-a-vis his understanding of your emotional needs.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette grammar the fam
