The Vine: February 21, 2003
Hi Sars,
I’m almost
three years out of college, and have been working
full-time, in an office, in a cubicle since then. Now,
I work in the music industry, so my job tends to be
pretty fun and fairly stimulating on a regular basis.
Now, having said that, I do have some problems with
it. As cutbacks are becoming more and frequent,
chances for advancement are looking slimmer and
slimmer. My job has ceased to be challenging, and, to
be frank, I’ve become completely bored with it. And
even though I work at something “alternative” (as my
mom calls it) and fun…sitting in a cube for 40 hours
a week feels a little bit too yucky and corporate for
me. Nor does it allow me the creative freedom I’d like
to have.
So…I’ve been considering a career move, and I keep
finding myself coming back to writing. The problem
is…I’ve never written anything on a professional
level, so I’m not sure how to get started. I write a
lot as a hobby. I think I’m fairly talented and tend
to get a good response when I share it with people.
I tend to write in a humorous, sarcastic, satirical
way…if that gives you any indication of my style.
Ideally, I’d love to blend my loves of writing, music,
and pop culture together.
So…I guess my big question is…do you have any
suggestions for how I might be able to get started?
Thanks,
Watching Too Much Sex and the City and Now I Think I
Can Be Carrie Bradshaw
Dear Carrie,
The most important piece of advice I can offer you is not to give up your day job, not in the current economy. It can take a year just to get your writing in front of someone who’s in a position to pay you, so don’t make any sudden moves.
Beyond that, the only way to do it is to do it. Start writing for whomever will have you — alternative weeklies, zines, online presences — whether it pays or not (and at first, it won’t). Build a portfolio of clips that you can then send to larger, more visible publications. Write as much as you can, even when it’s not “for” anything specific; you need to put together a body of work. Use your connections from the music industry if you can, because that gives you an in that a lot of other pop-cult writers in your position won’t have. Get a recent copy of Writer’s Market and dun the relevant mags for work.
It’s going to take a while, especially since sarcastic is often a tough sell. (Trust me.) I don’t mean weeks, either. It can take a couple of years, at least, to get enough freelance work coming in to live on, or a regular magazine gig.
Another option, which might work better for you, is to try to catch on as an editorial assistant on staff at a music or pop-culture magazine; the pay is shit, but it’s steady work and your experience in the industry could help you there too. But whatever you do, understand before you do it that it can take a long time to get where you want to go.
Dear Sars,
I need some words put in my mouth, because I don’t
know what to say. There are two boys (aren’t there
always?). One is my smart and sensitive husband — we’ll
call him “J” — and the other is my
love-at-first-sight, crash-and-burn, long-distance-romance high school
boyfriend of ten years ago, whom we can call “E.” I love
them both deeply, J in a “we’re perfect life partners”
way, E in a way that is more innate and organic. It’s
like I love him in my bones, if that makes any sense.
I’m not interested in a relationship at all with E,
but I’d like to keep our decade-long friendship
intact. I would never leave J. I would never cheat on
J. That’s never even been on the table.
What I would do, and have done, is get together with E
for coffee about once every other year when he is in
town. Last time this happened, I stayed out too late,
and J was furious (nearly called the police to report
me missing, didn’t speak to me for 24 hours, et cetera). I
have never seen him so angry, before or since. J
doesn’t know E is in town in two weeks, though I believe
J knows that we email back and forth a couple of times
a year.
I am looking for what I can say to my devoted husband
that make it possible for me to keep E in my life,
without having to lie to J about where I am going or
what I’m doing. Right now, I don’t even know how to
broach the subject!
No Fan of Conflict
Dear No Fan,
“Stayed out too late”? What are you, fourteen? And your husband with the silent treatment — is he fourteen? Adults do not call the police on other adults for coming in “past curfew,” and if you didn’t tell your husband that at the time, you need to tell him now. It’s coffee with an ex, for God’s sake, and J’s flipping out about it to that extreme is not a good sign in my opinion.
Tell J that E is visiting soon; the two of you plan to get together, and you’d like to discuss J’s reaction last time and get a few things straight — namely that you love him and won’t cheat on him, but that you don’t intend to let him control you with that kind of babyish, manipulative bullshit. He wigs like that again, and the two of you will have a serious problem — and you don’t mean E. J needs to trust you. There is no “or.”
Maybe if you invited him along, he’d feel better about things (and I hope it goes without saying that you shouldn’t lay any of that “loving E in your bones” business on your husband), but even if he doesn’t, he needs to suck it up. Intimidation tactics like the shit he pulled the last time are way way out of line.
Okay, Sars, on this one I need help.
About eight months ago, my 30-year-old brother started dating a 22-year-old
girl who I suspect is an illegal alien (she has a story, whatever, not the
point). I use the word “girl” advisedly. She is very immature and blah
blah. Over the past couple of months, they have racked up fairly large
debts to me and my mom.
About two and a half weeks ago, my brother and his girlfriend announced
that she was one month pregnant. Not something he wanted but something he
seems to be willing to handle, they were planning on getting married
anyway, she said she wanted a kid about two weeks before that, blah blah
bad-situation-but-dealing-cakes.
About two weeks ago, my brother’s girlfriend spent a few minutes hitting
and punching him in a clearly insane/abusive situation. Turns out (I later
found out) that she had hit him before, and he had said that if she did it
again, she was out. He went to their bedroom and started packing her stuff
to kick her out, and she went to the kitchen and got a knife and put the
point up against his chest and yelled at him. He left quickly and called
the police. He did not press felony charges because he feared that she
might be deported along with his child.
Over the past two weeks, I have been trying to help him deal with all of
this. The emotional turmoil, trying to plan for the difficulties of having
a child with a mother who refuses to take care of herself to spite him
when even if she was sane it would be a financial struggle, and (what he
told me was the hardest part) being alone.
I just got a phone call from him. Can you guess? Her family is no longer
willing to provide a place to live or any help. So guess where she’s
living now. Guess at the status of their relationship. Go on. Guess.
I can’t do it. I can see him and talk to him if I don’t think about it,
but I just cannot be a part of it. “This is a strong learning experience
for her,” he said. (She has learned that a knife to the chest is good
for a two-week suspension of her living-there privileges. Maybe next time
she’ll learn what a stab wound will get her. I wonder what the exchange
rate from stab wounds to black eyes is.) Good for her. Great! Now let
her practice what she’s learned with SOMEONE SHE HASN’T THREATENED TO
STAB!
So what can I do? My brother is a manic-depressive who, because of bad
experiences with medication, is unmedicated, so I already have been
helping him as much as I can with that stuff, but I just am not willing or
able to support this choice. What can I do? Do I have any option other
than sitting down with him and telling him, “Okay, here are the rules. We
can still hang out when we feel like it, but during those hang-out
sessions, you are not to mention anything about her, let alone bring her
along. I am not willing to lend you any more money for any reason as long
as she’s there. I do not support this decision, and never will.” Or am I
overreacting? I know it’s not my life, but I am not someone who deals with
emotional violence well, even by proxy, and I don’t feel I have the
strength to deal with either her killing him or him kicking her out again
and then taking her back again after two weeks again.
Older Brother Trying Not To Enable
Dear Brother,
As you know, I generally advise steering well clear of interference in the lives of other adults — unless it’s a case of imminent physical danger. I don’t know if we can use the word “imminent” here, but she’s a danger to others, and I don’t know that your brother is in the best place to see that clearly.
But regardless of any other static, he’s an adult, and as attractive an option as phoning the INS tip line might seem, it’s not one you can feasibly consider. So, maintain a relationship with your brother. Lay out the ground rules you mentioned in your letter (adding that, if she starts in with the cutlery again, you will file charges against her yourself and get her booted out of the country, period, full stop). You can let him know that you love him and support him emotionally — him. You won’t give him any more money and you won’t tolerate the presence of Crazy, but if he needs you, he can call you.
And then step back. Nothing about the situation is going to work out — she’s going to have the baby, and then she’s going to leverage the child against him for the rest of their lives — but unless she physically threatens him again, you can’t really do anything about that. He’s thirty years old. He got himself into this. If he wants to get himself out, you’ll help him, but if he doesn’t, it’s his crappy life. Set boundaries for both of you.
Hi, Sars —
I’m employed full-time by a public relations consulting firm, and I do project-based work all over the country: four months in Tampa, six months in Phoenix, three weeks in Boise, et cetera. My current project will wrap up at the end of May, at which point I’ve decided to leave the company and take a summer vacation around the U.S., head to a month-long volunteer-service program in Africa, and then tool around Europe for a month or two.
Here’s my problem: my annual performance evaluation and associated salary review will take place in early April. From what my boss has told me, I can expect a salary increase of up to 30 percent after the review, which would translate to a net of at least a couple thousand dollars for April and May. I’ve definitely made my decision to quit effective May 30, but I haven’t shared that decision with my employers yet because I don’t want it to adversely affect my upcoming review.
I can live without the extra cash for my last two months on the job, but it would be a nice extra cushion for my summer break if I did get it. The devil on my left shoulder says, “Screw ’em and take the cash!” The angel on my right shoulder says, “Let them know now and let the salary-review chips fall where they may.”
I’m leaning toward ‘fessing up sooner than later, but I wonder: “What Would Sars Do?”
Thanks,
The Quitter
Dear Quitter,
I don’t see an ethical problem with postponing your announcement. Two weeks’ notice is the standard, and I think you can use that here (provided, of course, that you don’t discuss your travel plans around the office).
But these things don’t happen in a vacuum. Presumably, the company has a raise planned for you because they also have projects planned for you, and when you quit, they’ll have to change those plans and find a replacement. It’s not your responsibility to handle that, of course, but depending on the projects in question and on your relationship with the clients and whatnot, you might want to give them more than two weeks to retrench before you leave.
Try to ascertain how little notice you can give them without throwing a major wrench in the works. Again, it’s not your problem after you leave, but it’s the courteous thing to do, and unless that extra money is critical to your travel plans, I’d lean towards telling them sooner, too.
Hi Sars,
I’m feeling depressed today and I’m having trouble figuring out
what to do, so I thought I’d throw my issues your way.
I met a man the Friday before last…on the internet (I hate having to add
that, but it’s relevant). It was fairly ridiculous because we talked
on instant messenger for thirteen hours that night, nine hours the next
night, and something similar the rest of the week; we have so much in
common that even though we both feel really sketched out by the idea of
internet dating, he came to visit me (he lives two hours away) this past Saturday
for a date.
It went really well, and he ended up staying until I had to go
to work on Sunday night. No sex was involved, but we were very cuddly and
kissy, and basically there was a comfort level we didn’t expect. We were both
really sad that he had to leave, and wanted to see each other really soon,
so I went to visit him last night (Monday), and that’s when things got weird.
We were making out, sort of petting, when he decided to turn on
some really depressing music. We slowed down and just lay there for a while
and I got really upset at these sad lyrics, and after a while he apologized for
being distant and said he was overthinking about how fast it was going and
why he was jumping into something so serious (he’s had a string of very
serious girlfriends for the past ten years with no dating ever). This is an
understandable thought, and he told me he definitely likes me, that’s not an
issue, but the overthinking was a huge red flag for me because I’ve been
hooking up, on and off, with one of my best friends for almost four years,
and every time we’ve hooked up he has an attack of overthinking and has to
stop. Why I hadn’t put an end to it for so long is another letter
altogether, but it’s been really bad for my self-esteem and my own tendency
to analyze too much.
Every time I’ve ever suggested to a guy that we should just see where
things go, and meant it, he either goes out of his way to make sure things
don’t progress because he thinks that’s what I want, or he can’t handle just
hooking up without any romantic ties and stops, so I didn’t suggest just
going with the flow to this guy, even though that’s my first thought. I got
upset because I had been uncharacteristically optimistic about him, and now
my expectations have pretty much dropped to nothing, just because I don’t
want any more drama than I already have, and any hint at overanalysis really
bothers me, especially since it sets me off.
I know it’s only happened
once, but I’ve only really met him in person for four days, and I don’t want
to write him off because of something that’s my issue with someone else,
because he seems really great. Am I being too quick to decide to forget
about it? Am I wrong to be upset about his overthinking since it seems
pretty logical? I don’t know if things will go back to the gushy romantic
days of…two days ago, and I think it’s a bad sign that things are souring
for me so quickly. Is there something I’m not seeing?
I don’t know if this
is clear or thorough enough, but hopefully you can send me some words of
admonishment or encouragement.
Thanks,
No More Drama
Dear No,
It took me many years to learn it, but it’s never not been true — when a guy tries to warn you off, take him at his word. “I don’t know if I’m ready,” “I’d be a bad boyfriend,” whatever — sometimes it’s just an excuse, and sometimes it’s that he respects you enough to tell you the truth about the fact that he’s fucked up, but it doesn’t matter why he says it. If he says it, hear it.
The two of you have a connection and you really dig each other, but he’s got issues, and the timing isn’t good. He’s told you as much, and more importantly, your Spidey sense is telling you the same thing, so listen to your instincts — and think about why you might gravitate towards overanalyzers.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette the fam workplace
