I’ve worn thigh highs for years because 1) I live in Florida and regular
hose get sweaty and 2) hosiery manufacturers cannot seem to grasp the idea
that female waists are no longer 16″ around. Anyway, Hanes Silk Reflections
thigh highs are pretty tough and inexpensive. Leggy should be able to find
those at any department store. They’ll stand up to being washed in a
lingerie bag in the machine and dried in the drier, and rarely run.

Hope that helps,
Sarah D

There is a third option to the declawing/not declawing
discussion — SoftPaws. They
are nail caps for cats. I’m not saying they aren’t a
bitch to put on — in our house it requires a towel
wrapped around the cat, one person to put the glue in
the cap and the other to get it onto the nail of the
one paw sticking out of the towel, with the cat
moaning and complaining the whole time — but we’ve
used them for a long time now. The cats are mostly
used to them, we don’t have ripped furniture, and when
we get jumped off of in the middle of the night we
don’t end up with weird scratches.

I can’t deal with declawing. These meant that, when I
lived in an apartment, I could keep the cats because I
showed the landlord what they were and he decided it
was acceptable. There was a caveat that they had to be
on all the time, which required a certain amount of
care, but it was worth it.

W

A friend and I were reading a recap on TWoP today and
the phrase “paradigm of virtue” was used. Now I have
always heard the expression “paragon of virtue”
although after pondering the meanings of “paradigm” vs.
“paragon,” I can definitely see how both could work.

Neither of us are grammar mavens (I’m not even
entirely sure this is a “grammar” question, per se)
but we got into a rather heated discussion over this.
Her position is that “paragon of virtue” is the proper
phrase. My position, as I said, is that I can see
either one being used, depending on the context.

So we’ve decided to have you settle the argument. Is
just one correct or will either one do? And if both
are acceptable, are they interchangeable or is there a
difference?

Thanks for your assistance,
D Train Rider

I’ve got a problem that seems to have no apparent solution. If anyone comes
up with one…PLEASE tell me!

Here it is: I live with my family — both my parents and my two brothers.
One of them — the oldest — acts like a four-year-old at times. He likes to
sing loudly. And it’s not that I think he is not a good guitar player or
that he sings crappy songs…it’s just that at times your head hurts and
others you want to…you know, sleep. And he respects none of that. Ever.

Actually, once or twice a year if you ask real nice and you’re actually very
very sick, maybe he’ll close his door, but that’s about it. The house has a
bit of an acoustic problem…when he sings that loud with his door open and
mine CLOSED, I still hear like he’s singing right into my ears…no parent
yelling ever solved it, no asking nicely, nothing. I’m short of buying ear
plugs…which now that I think about it, might solve the
my-head-hurts-like-hell problem but still won’t let me watch Veronica Mars
in peace!

So…any suggestions? As I’m writing to you my head is about to explode and
I’m listening to the kind of music I could think of that he hates the most:
a Broadway musical. I know, childish, putting on loud music to compete with
his…and also, my head only hurts more…but on the plus side he’s just
as pissed as I am, which I guess is the only happiness I can get.

Please, this is getting to be like hell, and moving out is not an option for
at least the next two years. My younger brother said we’re acting like a
couple of crabby old men, but seriously, I don’t know what else to do.

Thanks,
The girl who has a LOT of migraines

I’m writing to you about that magical formula which combines a boy with some variable X to equal distress. Like other Vine contributors, I need your amazing ability to identify and isolate this unknown variable, usually inflicted by the very person with the problem. Please help me help myself, Sars!

To set the scene, I’ve been with Mr. X for eight years, an extended period which would suggest that there must be a great deal of harmony between us, but in fact our relationship has always been tumultuous. So much so that I often wonder whether to the rest of our friends we’re Saturday Night Live‘s “couple that should be divorced,” except we’re not married so it would be “couple that should have broken up long ago.” Really, this touches on the overriding question in this letter, which is: should we break up before cementing our status as “that couple” in marriage?

But I’m rushing the question. Let me give you my proverbial back story. X and I started dating as undergrads and even our hook-up wasn’t without conflict because X himself was in conflict as to whether or not he wanted to date me. What he says now is that the source of the conflict was actually whether he wanted to get into a long-term relationship because he had just gotten out of one and wanted to “find himself” and knew that by dating me, he would again be embarking on something long-term. Okay, fine. But in combination with this was his reputation in our department as a bit of a player, which didn’t sit well with me. It also raised insecurities about why he was being so resistant with me when he seemed to like the ladies so much. Friends at the time warned me semi-seriously that he was, and always would be, a “wolf.” Despite all this, we remained drawn to each other, I threw caution to the wind, and we ended up dating. Unfortunately, the wolf reference has stuck with me and the dynamic at the beginning of the relationship has set the tone throughout. At least for me.

Fast forward three years, and we’re moving in together, right at the point when we’re both starting new programs. Not a good move. The year was marked by fights over territory and household contributions, fueled by further arguments over whose program was more time-consuming and stressful. It culminated with my stumbling upon evidence that X was pursuing a crush on a girl in his program and telling his newfound friends that we would likely be breaking up at the end of the school year. The situation exploded in tearful rage, and ended with X going overseas to teach English over the summer. We had some sporadic contact during that time, which consisted mainly of him begging to get back together and my ignoring those requests, but not him. In retrospect (why is everything so clear in hindsight?), I should have cut communication off with him, at the least for the summer. Instead, I was confused and uncertain about what to do, and stayed in contact.

We ended up getting back together but never completely resolved the situation. At the same time, I’m not sure what resolution would have been to me. I felt like I needed some definitive closure, some outward sign or gesture (from him of course) that never came, despite my asking for it. So it was swept under the rug only to conveniently re-emerge during times of conflict. I know, pathological. He followed me to our current location where I embarked on yet another program and we’ve been living together ever since. This too has not been without its difficulties which I admit are related to my searching out anything that could potentially be incriminating. Most recently, I found an email of his where he admitted to an infatuation with a coworker, although he also stated that he’s in love with me. He also spends times writing about random romantic feelings which he defends as poetic license when confronted about it. I’m especially sensitive to this because that’s how his original crush was also documented, in his book where he does much of his writing.

From his perspective, this all amounts to my snooping where I shouldn’t and a lack of respect for his privacy. I fully acknowledge this and openly admit that I don’t trust him, but can’t help myself, having gone through his betrayal in the past. It’s almost as if I’m trying to perpetually re-live it, only this time when I find incriminating evidence, I will take the right course of action and dump him. The problem is, I find only fragments of things here and there which on their own don’t add up to anything fully incriminating.

So now that the full, wretched situation is laid out, here are my questions. Assuming that underneath all the pathology, I love this person and enjoy being with him (hard to believe from the letter, I know), is the relationship worth preserving? Or am I a dolt for sticking around and subjecting myself to this treatment? Am I making too much out of things that people normally get over? If so, how does one achieve closure on such things? Or is a lothario always a lothario? I’ve lost all sense of perspective and my friends have stopped wanting to talk about this years ago.

Thanks for answering this, Sars. I have a newfound sympathy for Vine letters that run way too long. It’s hard to be succinct when it comes to neuroses! Thank you for any ass-kicking you can provide.

Woman Who Runs With a Wolf