The Vine: February 22, 2007
Dear Sars,
I’ve been thinking about writing this letter for awhile now, but kept putting it off because, well, admitting that I needed advice from someone instead of being able to work things out on my own felt kind’ve like failing, I guess.
First, some background before I get into my problem. Just before I graduated from high school my parents suddenly started the process of getting a divorce, for reasons I won’t get into (though I’m sure it’s pretty obvious what they would be). Since she didn’t have my dad’s income to help support us anymore, she had to take a second job and start working much longer hours at her main one in order to keep our heads above the water. Because of this she asked me if I’d be willing to put off going to college to do all the “mom” things she didn’t have time to do since she was always at work for my two little brothers: cooking, cleaning the house, helping them with their homework, and basically being a housewife without ever being married. And, because she’s my mom, and I love her and wanted to do anything I could to help out, I agreed.
Now, five years later and finally at the point where I’m free of that responsibility, it’s become the root of my problem.
I want to move on with my life. I want to go back to school, get a job, find a place of my own, and start trying to pick up where I left off years ago. But every time I try making plans for doing that my brain ends up doing its best deer-in-the-headlights imitation from all the doubts and fears that start running through it. I think, with the economy like this, who’s going to want to hire someone who hasn’t worked since ’02 and who no longer has anyone who could give her good references since everyone who worked with her was replaced (that last part actually isn’t totally my fears talking. It was a big story in the local paper when it happened)? My mom, who in her main business is self-employed, said that I can say I was working as her assistant to explain what I was doing all that time, but would nepotism really look better than nothing at all? And what school would want to take on a C-average student who, again, hasn’t been doing anything in years? Would I even still remember enough from high school to keep up?
My thoughts keep going on and on like that. What makes it worse is that I’ve been pretty disconnected from the rest of the world all this time. I was always a wallflower to begin with, and since I left school I also ended up cutting off contact with all my friends from it because it embarrassed me to listen to them talk about everything that was going on in their lives and for myself only be able to say things like, “Well, I’ve been working on improving my cooking.” So I’ve spent almost all of my time hanging around the house, and there’s no one I can really talk to about all this, because my mom’s still so heartbroken over everything that happened back then that I can’t add guilt about me on top of it by saying, “I’m glad I got to help you out, Mom, but I feel like it’s made me forget how to function in normal society.”
And that’s the real problem that’s causing all this, I think. I feel like I’ve completely forgotten how to live in the real world. I want to, but I have no idea how to start out when there’s so much I need to do to accomplish it.
So please, Sars, is their any advice you can give me about how people set to work starting out their adult lives? It seems like I must have known how four years ago before I put it off, but now I just can’t remember.
Thank you,
A Thousand-Mile Journey Might Start With One Step, But Taking It’s The Problem
Dear Journey,
Your first task is to stop thinking of it as “starting your adult life,” and start thinking of it in terms of the smaller parts of that goal. The trick for tackling any big job is to break it down into more manageable sub-jobs; I’m facing this with my taxes right now. “Do taxes” will sit on my larger to-do list forever, but if I break it down into its components — gather 1099s, update Excel files, review deductions — it will get done. In order to avoid the paralysis you’re feeling about the whole thing right now, that’s how you have to think of it — not as a monolithic peak that’s impossible to climb, but a series of hills on the way somewhere.
You have some challenges here, in terms of getting back to your schooling and how to phrase certain things on your c.v., but don’t put the cart before the horse. What do you want to do? What’s your dream job? What careers sound interesting to you? What’s required in order to pursue that? If you want to go back to school, research your options — what can you afford? What programs look interesting? What exactly do you have to do to get into a college or returning-ed program? Well, you’d have to apply; get the application. Make a list of the transcripts and recs you’d need. Break it down into the smaller jobs.
If you want a job, make a list of your priorities. Do you want something career-based, or do you just want to make some dough so you can get your own place? If it’s the latter, what are you qualified to do right now that can score you some money and benefits? Make a list of your skills. See if the local Starbucks is hiring; they’ll train you. See what’s out there and whether you qualify to do any of those jobs. If moving out is the focus, research the cost of rentals. Do the math backwards to see how much money you’d need to make.
Understand: These things are a pain in the ass to do, and for most people, one thing kind of comes up at a time and then the rest of the dominoes fall into place, but still, finding a place to live and moving into it is a hassle. Looking for a job is a job; it takes time, it’s frustrating. Trying to decide what you want to do with your life, and figuring out how to get where you want to go, is intimidating. And if you’re trying to do all these things at once, it’s overwhelming at best. So, don’t try to do them all at once. Spend a few days wool-gathering about what you want. Daydream. Make lists. Then pick one aspect of your life that you want to get started on, and break that down into parts, and break the parts down into parts. “Start adult life” is not a workable list; “skim resume book at Barnes & Noble for tips; write resume; print resume” is a list, and it’s one you can cross things off of.
Again, middling grades and no recent out-of-the-home work experience may present problems for you, but those problems in turn will generate lists of solutions and workarounds, which you can then address. Before you talk yourself out of the big jobs, see how much progress you can make with the small jobs.
Dear Sars,
In a nutshell, I have this friend. And she’s driving me nuts.
“Judith” and I have been friends for about a year now, and we’ve been really close. She’s moody, needy, bad at managing money, complains a lot, and just has a lot of character flaws that, being the good friend I am, have learned to accept and deal with because her friendship means a lot to me.
About a month ago, Judith disappeared from school (did I mention we go to the same college?) for about a week, and when she returned, she was diagnosed as being clinically depressed and was put on antidepressants. She blew off her responsibilities, which made many of my other friends angry, and eventually withdrew from school for the semester.
Now, I can sympathize with depression, for I’ve had my own fair share of really hard times, but for the most part I’m against medicating afflictions like that, for my own personal reasons. I’m not angry at Judith because she’s depressed. I’m angry for the way she’s been handling it.
In addition to dropping out of school (which I’m terribly annoyed about), since she’s been put on the medication, she’s been drinking and smoking pot excessively, which, as far as I know, is a big no-no while you’re on antidepressants. And those character flaws I mentioned earlier? They exploded into this person that I hardly even know any more and can barely tolerate.
With this, she’s become super-needy and really…enamoured with several guys and girls. She throws around the L-Word more than anyone I’ve ever met. It’s probably not my place to say, but I really don’t think that with the mental state she’s in that she should be having sex with ANYONE.
I am a very non-confrontational person. When I try and say something about the way she’s acting, I usually say it like I’m joking or tag an “lol” onto the end (which I think we all know makes saying “I think you’re fucking crazy” a little cheerier). I guess my question is, what do I do? Do I confront her about the way she’s acting? And if so, what do I say? Should I avoid her? Should I consider our friendship over, since I really can’t tolerate her right now?
Waiting for your wise reply,
I Didn’t Want To Be Friends With Debbie Downer
Dear I’m Not Sure She Wants To Be Friends With You, Either,
Your letter is…really judgy. I mean, I understand that, at times, people with depression can behave in frustrating, self-absorbed ways that really bug even when you know it’s a function of the disease, but what I don’t understand is why you’re taking some of Judith’s actions as affronts to you personally. You’re “terribly annoyed” that she dropped out of school? Really? Why? What does that have to do with you? Sure, you’re used to hanging out with her, so her departure inconveniences you in that way, I suppose, but…it’s not about you. And you don’t elaborate on these “responsibilities” she blew off by leaving, but her other friends are angry with her; again, I don’t see what that has to do with you.
I don’t see what the drinking and stoning has to do with you, either. Yes, it’s contra-indicated; yes, you should maybe mention that, if she doesn’t seem to get that those substances are, you know, not stimulants. But you’re acting so put-upon by this is…it’s inappropriate. She’s not doing this stuff to you; she’s having a hard time and she’s trying to deal with it and she’s maybe screwing up with the self-medicating and whatnot, but you haven’t said one nice thing about her in your letter in the second place, one thing that indicates to me why you’re shouldering the (according to you) insufferable burden known as her friendship when it’s clear you don’t think much of her as a person.
I don’t know what you want me to say, really. You don’t like her, from the sounds of it; if that’s the case, you should probably start cutting ties. But I think what you actually don’t like is that she isn’t you, and doesn’t do things the way you would, or the way you think she should, and if that’s the case, just about everyone you come across in this life is going to “terribly annoy” you.
I’m not saying you have to stay friends with her if she’s really driving you nuts, but…might be time to get over yourself.
Hey Sars,
I’ll get right into the problem. My boyfriend of nearly two years and I have a condom problem. We’ve both been tested for STDs, and when we’ve had condom-free sex, I’ve been on the pill (we’re not interested in herpes or babies). The issue is that I haaaaate being on the pill, and he haaaaates sex with condoms.
Now before you get all feminist on my ass, he has never, ever made me feel like I have to be on the pill. He’s really supportive of whatever I want, but all the same, sex is much much better for him without a condom, and by association, much much better for me. He can’t always keep it up with the condom, not for lack of trying, and we’ve tried every make of every brand, and there’s nothing that keeps it consistently pleasurable for him. They’re often too tight (we’ve tried the large kind, they help, but not a ton).
I hate being on the pill because it makes me irritable (at the drop of a hat I will start crying like a little tired child), it makes my boobs hurt, and it makes my body turn look like the Stay-Puft marshmallow woman. I’ve tried several pills, low estrogen, progesterone only, et cetera, and nothing works. I’ve considered the Nuva ring, but my gyno says the side effects might still be the same.
We still engage in oral sex, manual sex, et cetera, and obviously that’s always fun, but goddamn it, can’t we figure out a solution for good old penis and vagina that makes us both as happy as possible?
Thanks!
Staying away from Ms. Stay-Puft
Dear Puft,
Your GYN hasn’t suggested any non-hormone alternatives for you? Maybe you need a new GYN, for starters, because the crappiest gyno I ever went to still hooked me up with a diaphragm.
And the diaphragm, despite a certain Jong-y ’70s-retro appeal, isn’t for everyone, but I had pretty good luck with it; the fitting sucks, but it’s over soon, and it’s a good solution for some people — doesn’t change your hormonal cocktail, very portable, no procedure for “installation.” Even the spermicide is good for a chuckle, if you’re immature like me and the Biscuit, because the stuff I got sent home with is called Gynol, like, nice branding, GYNOL. We made up a whole back story for it about how it used to be a minor villain in a Godzilla movie and stuff. …Hey, you have to make your own fun in this life. I mean: Gynol. What do you want from me.
Aaaaaaaanyway. Friends of mine have also liked IUDs. The IUD has not enjoyed good press, but talk to your GYN about it; I think those old scare stories are just that, old, and while some sources say that you should have been pregnant at one time to qualify as a good IUD “candidate,” that’s not always true. Again, your GYN should have more information on this, and should be willing to sit down with you and review all the non-pill options. If your current doc is clueless on this stuff, you can research it on the Planned Parenthood site, and perhaps go to a clinic near you.
But you should make the time to talk to an expert at length about your options, because you have a bunch. You’ll figure something out. Just keep being safe.
Tags: friendships sex the fam
