The Vine: February 23, 2005
Hi Sars,
First of all I’d like to say that Tomato Nation is
wonderful. I’m here every day checking for a new article or
Vine. I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times, but you
rock.
Also, I think you might be well qualified to give out advice
on the problem I have. You see, I have a website which had
about twenty readers — until this week. For the past few
days I’ve had approximately two thousand readers every
twenty-four hours. I’m suitably thrilled that the site now
has an audience, except for one thing — people keep stealing
my work. Every day at least one of the links I follow from
my logs leads to a site which is using stuff from my site
without permission. Images which I’ve created have been
used without a mention of my website’s existence — although
I didn’t mind this too much and just altered the images to
have the URL on — but the thing that really took the biscuit
was seeing an entire article of mine in someone’s online
journal, clearly copied from my site code (half of one of my
nav bars and my copyright disclaimer were also visible).
Was there a link to the page that it was taken from? Hell
no.
I don’t mean to sound miserly (“mine! all mine!”) but the
“do not reproduce without my permission” text is clearly
displayed on every page of my site, and I put a lot of hard
work into some of this stuff. I might let it slide if there
was a link or something, but there never is.
So my question is…what should I do about this? I’m
guessing you have probably had to deal with the same thing
at some point in TN’s lifetime. Right now I’m sending a
polite “I’m glad you liked this, but…” email which would
be followed by a second email after about a week, and if it
was bad enough (and I mean really ripping me off) I think
that a while after that I would email the hosting company
for the offending site and tell them that the webmaster was
rule-breaking. Is this too harsh? Should I just let it go,
feel flattered and avoid getting a bad rep for being a mean
old webmistress? Is a link or even an email asking
permission too much to ask?
Please help, Sars — I don’t want everyone on the web to hate
me already!
Does Netiquette Not Exist Anymore?
Dear What You Need Here Is Backboniquette,
Your first order of business is to change your attitude. This is not about people liking you; this is about people ganking your intellectual property, so they obviously don’t like you — or they like your stuff, but have no respect for your hard work or for the law. Harsh, schmarsh. They’re violating your copyright; order them to correct that, or you’ll take steps, and for good measure, cc a lawyer on the bottom of the email. Don’t have a lawyer? Get one, or ask a lawyer friend.
Point out the violation; “remind” them that the material belongs to you; give them 24 hours (48 on a weekend) to take it down and notify you by email that they have done so. If it’s not removed, send the email again with a “FINAL NOTICE” header. Give them another 24 hours. Don’t be nice; don’t soften it; require them to remove it, and make it clear that you will follow up if they don’t.
Usually, the first letter will do it, especially if they see a “Lawyer O’Lawyerigan, Attorney & Litigator LLC” cc’ed at the bottom, and some people really do think still that it’s the internet and everything on it is fair game…or they’re 14 and they don’t get it, and they just take it down and apologize. But sometimes they’re like, “Neener, why don’t you make me,” at which point you report the violator to his ISP and to his hosting company, and then you backtrace his email to his place of employment and rat him out to his sysadmin, and boy is his boss going to be surprised to hear that he’s not only blogging on company time but pinching other people’s shit to boot.
I actually had to do that once, and I’d do it again. He brought it on himself by passing my work off as his own and then posting a public email address of, basically, “thief@company.com.” Like, invitation to bust you accepted, hoss. Write about your own goddamn cats. My point: It isn’t “rude” to tell people in a businesslike tone that they can’t use your work without attribution. They can’t. Do it.
I suppose this isn’t a really pressing issue, but I
also suppose I’m not alone, and I’d appreciate some
outside advice. How does one go about deciding
whether or not to have children? I mean, surely I’m
not the only ambivalent person on this issue.
Basic background — 30s, getting married, terrific guy,
comfy lifestyle, and maybe our lives are a little too
calm. He feels strongly that IF we choose to invite
little people into our lives, we should adopt. I’m
okay with that — no overwhelming urge to “experience”
pregnancy. But how does one decide?
No parental pressure — both sets of folks have
grandkids already, although I think his would like a
girl. (Although my younger single brother keeps
telling me that smart and nice people like us need to
have children before the world is overrun by callous
idiots.) Yep, when we’re around the nieces and
nephews, and I’m reading to them or we’re doing
something new and exciting, I get the warm fuzzies.
And when they hug their parents and climb into their
laps, I think “aw….” But, at the same time, I have
sighed with relief after their folks take them home
and the echoes of “No! It’s MINE!” have died away.
I suppose we could just do it and hope for the best.
But what if we don’t like it? What if having kids is
just something that feels like a chore? (Not that I’m
not sure that’s sometimes the case.) Maybe I’m
over-intellectualizing, but it just seems that I have
seen what happens when kids “just happen,” and it
doesn’t often seem pleasant for any of the parties
involved. A friend, who waited until it was too late,
once told me that regardless, I should consciously
make a choice one way or the other, rather than have
the option taken away from me by age, but my college
roommate just expresses horror that anyone might not
want to have children. I know it is so personal, and
I value and respect that — I just wonder if you have
any advice about how to make such an important
decision.
On the Fence
P.S. The cats would all vote NO.
Dear Fence,
I don’t know how one decides whether to have kids. I’ve spent my life firmly on the side of “it’s just not for me,” and I don’t see that changing, but you never know.
As far as actually deciding goes, I think that you have to try to separate what society, or other people, or The “They” In “So They Say,” think or expect from you from the actual decision, and you have to separate biology from the decision. Easier said than done, obviously, but it might help you clarify the issues if you pretend you have all the time and eggs in the world — because if that’s the case, what would be the factors that gave you pause?
With some of it, I think things just work themselves out. “The college fund is some change we found in the couch!” Eh, join the club. If all you can afford is Cheerios, well, that’s all the little fry eat until they’re in nursery school anyway. Money and good parenting aren’t correlated, last I looked. You’ll figure it out.
But if it’s a more existential reason, like that you’ve heard that It’s Different When It’s Your Own w/r/t cleaning up puke and tolerating whining, but you don’t quite buy that? Because…dude, me neither, but I think that for some people, it does work that way. Not that anyone is a fan of vomit or colicky wailing, obviously, but a lot of people just…deal with it. I don’t think I could.
But that’s me; that’s why I don’t think parenting is a job I’m well suited for. I can’t speak directly to the experiences of parenting, either the highs and lows or the everyday stuff, because I don’t have kids, and I can’t speak directly to what you should do because I don’t know you. I can tell you, though, that not being sure you’d make a good parent, or whether you even want to make a good parent because it’s incredibly hard and possibly quite annoying, doesn’t make you a bad or a weak person, or heartless, or abnormal. It means you understand that it’s a big responsibility and you don’t take it lightly, and you know yourself well enough to decide whether it’s a job you can take on.
In other words, I don’t know how you decide, but you shouldn’t judge yourself for the decision, whichever way it goes. “I’m running out of time” this, “what kind of person doesn’t want children” that — it gets to be about that stuff, especially for women, and I don’t think it should be, necessarily.
My daughter, who is 29, alerted me to your site, and I’ve been
enjoying it for the past year or so. I know that most of your advice
is for people her age, but the problem I have concerns her, so…
She and I have always been close. While she was a freshman in
high school, she had a life-threatening illness. She recovered, went
to college, and is now living on her own, not too far away. We
usually email each other a couple of times a day and see each
other on weekends. She has described us to others as “best
friends.”
She and I both dislike Bush’s policies and voted against him in
both elections. My husband, who has always been more of a
conservative, voted for Bush. My daughter has had a number of
acrimonious political arguments with her father — to a point where I
declared the subject taboo for a while. But things came to a head
on inauguration day, when the two of them got together for lunch,
and she basically told her father that he was a horrible person and
she could “never forgive him” for voting as he had.
My husband has been a fine father. Under the heading of
unforgivable sins I would list abuse or perhaps nonsupport — not
voting for the wrong guy.
After mulling over the situation, I wonder whether this is a kind of
delayed adolescent rebellion. She was ill and needed our support
during the traditional rebellious years; maybe she needs to
separate herself from us now in order to gain emotional
independence. If so, I can tolerate the situation for a while. I prefer
not to assume she’s lost her mind, which seems to me the only
other explanation.
Since this blowup happened, I haven’t heard from my daughter and
haven’t tried to contact her. If the “late rebellion” theory holds
water, it seems to me this is the best approach — although I find it
painful.
So, my questions: Does my hypothesis make sense to you? Do
you think I should continue to wait for her to get in touch, or should
I contact her?
I don’t have a cute signature for this
Dear Cute,
I don’t think it’s delayed anything; I think it’s that she, like many of us, finds Bush and his administration revolting, and that she feels kind of betrayed by her father’s voting record, because she can’t reconcile it with the man she knows. I had the same problem understanding how my dad, who did not appear to be evil, could support Reagan so staunchly, but it wasn’t because I was rebelling. It was because I wasn’t a fiscal conservative when I was 15.
Bush is a different deal — I practically miss Reagan by comparison — but that’s neither here nor there and I don’t think your daughter’s illness or any delayed adolescent issues are in play here, either. I think it’s just that this president causes incredibly strong reactions on both sides; I don’t think you’re by any means the only family in which the subject basically will have to be avoided until 2009.
As far as your role in this goes, why wouldn’t you contact her? It’s not you she got into the scrap with, and if you don’t want to take a side, don’t — and I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t mention that your husband’s been a fine father, or try to defend him, or any of that, because I’m sure it’s true, and I’m sure she knows that, but this is between the two of them, and they’ll settle it or not, but don’t get in the middle.
I think that if anyone’s still reacting to her illness, it’s you guys. She’s 29; she can have opinions and get into inappropriate scraps with her father and deal with the consequences. Maybe she’s being a bit of a baby with this, maybe she’s justified, but either way, she’s old enough to behave however she sees fit and not have excuses made. Call her up and shoot the shit; leave her father out of it.
Hi Sars,
I have one of those social etiquette-related problems that, well,
while it doesn’t turn my world upside-down, has really come to be a
nuisance.
I have a friend whom I’ve known for two years. Almost immediately
after meeting her, she became a regular in our circle of friends. We
love her, and we all get along swimmingly. Lately, though, it’s become
painfully apparent that she may just be the flakiest person I’ve ever
met.
We will invite her out. She will emphatically promise to be there. We
will give her all the necessary information. And she just won’t show
up. What’s worse, she’ll never call any of us to say she can’t make
it. At this point, I don’t care if she calls to say that Puff the
Magic Dragon ran over her boyfriend, and she’s really sorry but she
can’t go out; I just want the courtesy of a call.
Not only has she done this several times for group gatherings, but
she’s done this to each of us personally as well. For instance, on
several occasions, I’ve made plans to go out with her on a particular
day, and she’s supposed to call me when she’s ready to go. When the
day comes, however, I’ll wait around for the call like a schmuck, and
I won’t get it. Eventually, I’ll swallow my pride for the umpteenth
time and track her down by phone. Naturally, the plans will go down
the shitter.
Now, I understand that not everyone is as prissy about social “rules”
as my friends and I, but are we wrong to expect a phone call to tell
us she can’t make it? We’ve mentioned that her habit is a little
inconvenient, but she didn’t get the message. Should one of us sit her
down and explicitly talk to her? Should we get over our own hang-ups
and invite her places without any expectation of her showing up? Or
should we just throw in the towel? More importantly, is this our
problem or her problem? Because I’m beginning to feel like a fascist
over here.
Signed,
Seriously Considering Just Dousing Her with a Bottle of Head-and-Shoulders
Dear Don’t Bother,
She’s either so rude or so clueless that she’s probably beyond help, but yes, you have to talk to her — you do. Don’t do one of those “speaking for the group, I’m telling you” things; if people have issues with her, each one of those people should let her know it. But if you have an issue with her, and boy, do you, tell her. It’s not “a little inconvenient”; it’s a pain in the ass, every single time, and it’s to the point where you’re not going to make plans with her at all anymore because it’s evident that she doesn’t give a shit, so she can get it together or not, but if it’s “not,” you’re out.
Say so. Use those words. You like her, but you never get to see her anyway because she just up and disappears, so…she calls when she says she will and shows up like she said she would or she’s not invited from now on. Period.
Hi Sars, I’ll keep this as brief as possible.
A few years ago I moved across the country for grad school. I became friends with a fellow student, John. We had similar senses of humor and similarly lax study habits, so by the end of the first year we were hanging out a lot, going to movies and bars, et cetera. The next year he started spending time with a new student, Alex. I got along okay with Alex, so long as he wasn’t expounding on the evils of women (he referred to most women as succubae in my presence –- dude, I may not always like my fellow women but I still AM one, so stow it).
The more time John spent with Alex, the more paranoid he seemed to get. He had this idea that people only hung out with him with him to be nice. I told him that I spent time with him because I wanted to and thought very highly of him. He cried (whaaa?) and when I asked if I’d upset him, he said he was glad to hear me say I liked spending time with him.
He never gave me any indication he was unhappy with our friendship (in fact, he tended to talk about how awesome he thought I was when drunk). That weekend he and Alex were doing something. I asked if I was invited or if it was a boys-only night. He said I was but he didn’t know exactly what was going on, so I told him to call if they did anything. He promised he would.
Weekend came, no call. The next time I ran into him, he told me they’d gone to a party at a mutual friend’s house. I was irritated since a) he could have said I wasn’t invited but chose not to, and b) he could have refrained from telling me they’d gone somewhere but didn’t bother to call. All I said was “I’m going to pretend you didn’t tell me that.” A friend we met up with noticed I was annoyed and asked why. I said (in what I considered a pretty mild tone) that he’d been an asshole and stood me up. Nothing more was said about it.
Later that week I emailed asking if plans we’d made previously were still on — no response. We’d had plans for Saturday as well, so I left a message saying I wasn’t sure if he was avoiding me but wanted to know if he still wanted to go. He called and said he wasn’t avoiding me (a lie, I found out). We hung out Saturday. Everything seemed normal.
Then it was Christmas break, so we didn’t see each other. We were supposed to meet up once but when I called he was non-committal and didn’t return a subsequent message, so I gave up. Spring semester started and I didn’t hear from him at all. I called once to leave a message asking if he was coming over for our usual Tuesday night TV but never heard back. Finally I emailed saying that I guessed we weren’t going to hang out anymore and I needed my house key back (he fed my cats while I was gone). I got back a long email detailing how I made him feel stupid and worthless. Our friendship had made him miserable for a long time. He couldn’t believe I’d called him an asshole because he did things without me.
I won’t annoy you with a full rebuttal, but I felt his problems with me were unfounded. And if he had a problem with the way I treated him (whether the problem was valid or not) he had to speak up and say so. He doesn’t get to punish me for his inability to assert himself. If he really did hate the way I treated him, but put up with it for months? That doesn’t make him noble, it makes him a doormat and it’s not my fault.
I’m sure if I had been more conciliatory, we could have salvaged our friendship but I was really angry. He was either lying to me for months about how he felt or he had allowed Alex (who I believe was uncomfortable with me) to talk him into being mad at me. Instead of talking to me about it, he had given me the silent treatment for three months.
I mailed back saying that if he had a problem with me, I hadn’t known about it and he’d never bothered to give me the chance to fix my behavior. I explained that I had called him an asshole not because he did things without me, but because he’d made a promise and then broken it. I wasn’t keen on a friendship with anyone who lied to me, avoided me, and punished me for being mad even once. I haven’t heard from him since.
I’m not sorry for the way I handled things and I don’t feel I made a mistake in not wanting to continue our friendship. But I’m still hurt and angry, even a year later.
Which is where the advice comes in. I don’t have any regrets. If presented with the same situation, I would react the same way again. So why does it still bother me, and how do I get to a point where it doesn’t?
Sincerely,
Hoping you can help
Dear I’ll Try,
It still bothers you because it’s so goddamn stupid. John has a weak personality, he’s apparently a big drama queen who can’t speak frankly and is rabidly afraid of conflict of any kind, he basically caused a big blow-up over something quite minor, and it’s probably because Alex filled his head with I’m-still-a-virgin horseshit about women with teeth Down There and blah blah whatever. You know all this; it still nettles you because you don’t understand why or how people act like that. It wouldn’t occur to you to behave so smurfily, and it’s still befuddling to you that someone whom you liked and respected would behave so smurfily. It’s one of those things where you and your other friends sit around talking about it and over and over, you’re like, “I just…I don’t get it. I do. Not. Get it.”
And there’s nothing to get. You just have to let yourself be annoyed, because it’ll pass, but you also have to remind yourself that sometimes, in this life, people are just freaky boneheads and there isn’t anything you can, or should, do about it.
Tags: etiquette friendships kids the fam
