The Vine: February 24, 2004
Sars,
I am concerned about my cat, Dinah. She is five years old, very intelligent
and, up until a year ago, very sweet. Ours has always been a multi-cat
household and, although Dinah has never really been friends with the others, it’s
never been much of a problem. These other cats were all male and older than
she.
Last year, our old boy Smokey died and after a while we adopted a baby
female cat from a shelter. BIG mistake, as it turned out. Dinah hated Daisy from
the very beginning, and when I say hate, I don’t mean “occasional tussling
but general coexistence.” If Daisy came within a ten-foot radius of Dinah,
Dinah attacked, hissing and snarling and finally running from the room. This
didn’t seem too unusual at first, and I thought I’d let them get used to each other
and eventually life would return to normal.
Didn’t happen. Almost a year
after Daisy’s arrival, Dinah is just as hostile towards her as ever, and worse,
she seems to have never forgiven me for bringing Daisy into her house. She
has taken to biting and scratching me if I pet her when she’s not in the mood.
She NEVER bit before Daisy was here. It isn’t vicious biting — never breaks
the skin — more of an angry snapping telling me to back off. She used to be
a happy cat; now she slinks around moodily all day and rarely lets me cuddle
or play with her.
I’ve tried punishing her for the biting, I’ve tried
showering her with attention and love (when she lets me), keeping the two cats
separated at night, different meal shifts…nothing seems to work. Other than pet
therapy, I don’t know if there is a solution to this. I’m just sad that my
Dinah is so unhappy. Any ideas would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Lily
Dear Lily,
If Dinah is still in attack mode after a year, and the situation isn’t settling down, it’s time to ask your vet about coping strategies. It’s possible that Dinah will need a mild antidepressant or anti-anxiety medication to calm her down; the vet might also suggest a more rigorous form of separation. But call, get Dinah checked out, and see what the vet says.
Hi Sars —
For the past year, I have been separated from my former live-in boyfriend, Surfer. We lived together for two years with my son, who was five when surfer moved in. Our relationship was rocky to say the least.
After six months of individual therapy, I’ve realized that our problems stemmed from his drug addiction. Things were good when they were good and horrible when he was using. I have also come to grips with the fact that during that time I was an enabler. Surfer entered court-ordered drug treatment and has been clean ever since. He is now leading an NA group. I’ve moved out of state and severed all ties.
While in therapy, I would rant and rave to my therapist that I didn’t know what would happen. Would he keep his promises? Would he relapse? Would he be the good Surfer 24/7? And my wonderful therapist would say there is no way you will know that until he is living in the real world. I still plagued myself with so many questions — would I ever trust him again? Would I ever get over the hurt of things that happened in the past? The questions resounded in my head so often that I told Surfer it wouldn’t work and I didn’t want to try to work things out — ever.
Since then I have dated A LOT. And I like it. When I met Surfer, I was not as confident in myself. Now that I’ve accomplished goals during this past year (graduating from college, obtaining a position at my dream company, moving on my own). I feel as though I have so much more to offer to anyone I meet — friends or otherwise.
About a month ago, I emailed Surfer. I missed him terribly. All of the wonderful family-type moments, couple-type moments. I missed the affection, the love, the way he knew my jokes, and could say one word that captured my every emotion at the moment. I know that he is the only person I have ever loved. I wrote and simply said that I hoped he knew I would always care for him. I wanted to sit down and talk and try to explain why I just disappeared. He wrote me and said that he hates himself for the hurt he’s put me through. That he wants another chance. He wants to attend counseling together and do whatever it takes.
I am torn for so many reasons. Part of me feels as though I owe it to what we had to see if something is salvageable. I know that I love him. However, I keep questioning myself. If I love him as much as I say I do, why am I having so much fun dating and meeting people? No one I meet seems to be what I want or what I’m looking for. How much time and effort should put I into trying to regain something that was only there for part of the time? What is a good time frame for a trial period that he’s requesting?
Feeling tossed in the waves
Dear Waves,
Surfer hurt you and gave you a hard time, back in the day — but he’s clean now, and the two of you miss each other, and life is short. It can’t hurt to try.
Of course, the key word is “try,” because you’ve got a lot of history between you that you can’t ignore, and you’ve changed too; it might not work out if you start over, but then again, it might finally turn into everything you wanted from it.
Before you decide, though, spend some time thinking about it. Identify what you want from him, and why. Understand ahead of time what you would put up with in a renewed relationship, and what you wouldn’t. The hardest thing about getting back together is avoiding the patterns that broke you up in the first place; find those patterns and make sure you’re satisfied that the two of you won’t fall into them again. So, sit with the decision for awhile, and remember that, if you do decide to go for it, you can always change your mind again if it’s not working. You’ve split from him before, and survived; you could do it again if you had to.
Sometimes, going back to an old relationship is a bad call, because of all the baggage and the patterns I mentioned before, and some bodies are better left in the ground. Sometimes, though, it’s the best call, because the time apart is what each of you needed to get truly ready for each other. Try to figure out which is the case here.
Hello Sars,
I have a grammar question nagging at me, and yours was
the first name
that
popped into my head when I was wondering who could
give me an answer.
As one of the poor, unwashed, jobless masses, I have
been working daily
on
sending out well-written and (hopefully) impressive
cover letters and
résumés. Today I found myself in a situation where I
wanted to make a
plural word (“Networks”) possessive, the catch being
that the word is
actually part of the name of a company, as in
“Blahdeeblah Networks
Inc.”
This is where my confusion started.
Though I ended up rewriting the whole paragraph to
avoid any perceived
blunder, my question is: Should I have, in this case,
treated
“Networks” as
a standard plural (“Blahdeeblah Networks’
socks”), or as part
of a
singular title (“Blahdeeblah Networks’s socks”)? It’s
likely I will
encounter this situation again, and I would love a
little guidance.
Thanks,
Messing With S
Dear Debra,
Garner addresses that particular bit of usage stickiness with “General Motors” as the example; the idea is that, although the name of the company is itself really a singular, it is formed from a plural, so you punctuate it thus. So, “Blahdeeblah Networks’ socks” is correct.
Dear Sars,
I’m not sure if I need advice as much as I do a kick
up the backside. This is going to sound very
far-fetched, but everything is true. My life has
descended to the level of a trashy soap opera.
There’s this boy (never heard that one before, I’m
sure), we can call him “A.” We met on a teacher
training course and he sort of fell in with our gang
by drunkenly spending the night with one of my friends
on a field trip to France. As we all spent the week
under the influence of alcohol, and doing things we
wouldn’t normally, this wasn’t that big a deal. For
the rest of the week, however, he was virtually
inseparable from another of my friends, L. As she is
engaged, everyone just thought he had a crush. Two
weeks later she told me, in confidence, that they were
in love, but she didn’t know whether she could call
off her wedding because it would kill her partner. So
by this time, A had dallied with one of my friends and
confessed his love for the other. He and I had become
good friends.
Guess what happened next. A and I went out drinking
one night when the others couldn’t make it. A dance
turned into a kiss which didn’t stop for an hour.
Then we came to our senses, he got really angry at
himself, and I thought I was going to explode with
guilt. We talked about it, but by the time we’d had
another drink we were doing it again. We went home
together that night and although we didn’t have sex,
we did things we shouldn’t have. The next day we
briefly said we had both been drunk and stupid, and
tried to put it behind us. We had plans to go to a
museum, so we went together. We were fine in the
morning, and then the next thing I knew he had his arm
around my waist and was holding me in a way that was
certainly not merely friendly. From that point on,
every time we met we were all over each other, but we
still didn’t sleep together. I by now was head over
heels in love with him.
L decided that she had to stay with her partner, and
broke things off with A. I was the only person apart
from those two who knew anything had happened between
them. A and I went away for a few days, supposedly as
friends. That went out of the window as soon as the
plane touched down. When we got back, we actually
talked about what we had been doing, and both admitted
we had feelings for each other. He also made it clear
he did not want a relationship with me. We had, we
said drawn a line under it, and needed to move on.
I saw him again a few days later, and he told me he had
got back together with an old girlfriend. I felt like
I had been punched in the gut, but told him I was
happy for him. Then we were all over each other
again. It has happened three times since he got back
with his old girlfriend, but every time I try to talk
to him about it, he just says it won’t happen again.
He’s just moved to teach in a school about four hours
away, and the whole gang is meant to be going to visit
him for the weekend in a month’s time.
It feels good to have finally been able to tell
someone, but what I really need to know is, do I have
to cut him off for good? He’s never going to love me
like I love him, and I’ve been careful to only admit
to having feelings, rather than saying I love him. I
know I’ve been a horrible friend to L, and that I’m
guilty of doing the dirty to two women with the same
man, but I can’t bear the thought of not being able to
talk to him, or touch him. How do I handle the
weekend situation? I wake up thinking of him, go to
sleep thinking of him, and regularly cry in between.
Thanks for any words of wisdom you can offer.
The Other Woman
Dear Other,
First of all: Really, it’s A who’s “doing the dirty” to these women, not you. No, you shouldn’t have gotten embroiled in the situation, but he’s the cheater here, not you.
Second of all: He makes you cry. Bottom line. The course of true love never did run blah blah blah, but consider the facts — he doesn’t want a relationship with you, he doesn’t seem to know how to remain faithful to a woman or to consider the feelings of anyone besides himself, and he doesn’t make you happy. He’s not interested in making you happy. Enough said.
It hurts, admitting that to yourself, and it’s tempting to keep hooking up with him until he comes around, because you know the physical intimacy must mean something, and it does…but it doesn’t mean what you want it to mean, and the more you do it, the more attached you get.
So, yes, you need to cut him off. “For good,” maybe, but at the very least for a few months. Don’t go on the weekend; don’t call him, don’t see him. You won’t feel any better at first, but the situation is not going to turn out the way you want it to, which means you have to take yourself out of it. Do it now and get it over with.
Hey Sars,
In the past, I’ve gained a lot of really great insight
and advice from
reading your column, and I was hoping you could now
help me out with a
problem of my own.
I’ve been best friends with M for at least a dozen
years; most people
who
know us say that we might as well be joined at the hip
because we’re
basically inseparable. Of course, we’ve had our ups
and downs, but we
always
seem to come out of our conflicts with our friendship
intact. I don’t
know
what I’d do without her in my life, and I’ll be
eternally grateful for
her
friendship, but…lately I find myself feeling very
resentful toward
her.
You see, we both go to the same university and are
both Resident
Assistants
in res, and this year we’re living together. Our
living situation isn’t
really the problem, because we roomed together in
first year. The
problem is
that M is a lot more outgoing than I am, and it’s
starting to turn me
into a
bitter, self-doubting, miserable, paranoid freak.
As you may have guessed, I’m a pretty shy person. I
like to meet new
people,
but generally avoid it because strangers and big
groups make me feel
uncomfortable (which is why I took the RA job — to
force myself to be
social). When I’m with friends, I can be outgoing and
fun like M, but
even
then I feel overshadowed by her sparkling personality.
This usually doesn’t bother me TOO much, but now
there’s a guy involved —
we’ll just call him “R.” Apparently, R is interested in
me (which is
extremely
mutual), but whenever I hang out with him while M is
around, I find
myself
clamming up and letting her do all the talking and
flirting. She knows
about
our “unspoken love” and even encourages it, and says
that all her
flirting
and play-fighting with R is just her being friendly. I
believe her,
because
that’s just the way M is when she talks to guys, but I
can’t stop
myself
from feeling threatened and jealous. Whenever I see
her with him, I
worry
that she’ll make the moves that I’m too shy to make
myself, and then
jealousy rears its hideous head.
I’ve talked to M on several occasions about how I
feel, and she tells
me I’m
being paranoid and insecure. I know I am, but I don’t
know how to
smarten
up! The crappy thing is that I’m starting to resent M
for her friendly
and
outgoing nature, and it’s making me act like an
immature little brat.
What can I do to get over my clammed-up, shy-girl act?
Is there any way
I
can overcome the feeling of being overshadowed by my
best friend all
the
time? This isn’t just affecting the “guy-snagging”
part of my life,
either —
this might also interfere with my job as Resident
Assistant. Any
comments
you might have would be really appreciated, even if
you just tell me to
grow
the hell up and get a life. It just might help, coming
from you, ’cause
you
rock my ass to pieces!
Thanks, Sars.
Whiny Wallflower
Dear WW,
Shy is fine; not everyone is outgoing and extroverted, and that’s fine. But you don’t think it’s fine, and it’s becoming a problem, so it might be time to see a therapist and get some strategies for shutting down that insecurity when it rears its head.
You need to get to a place where you don’t feel threatened by M, and learn to accept yourself a little better. Counseling will help with that, but as far as M is concerned, just take deep breaths when you feel an attack of the brats coming on and remind yourself that she’s not the enemy.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats friendships grammar kids roommates
