The Vine: February 24, 2005
Hi Sars. Sorry if this something like this has already been answered,
but I figured it was worth a shot.
My boyfriend (T) of a year and three months broke up with me a little
over a week ago. I’ve been through a lot of shit in my life; he has
been the only person who has ever managed to make me feel like I’m not
a terrible human being, and that I was something special and wonderful
to him that he was willing to fight for. He’s helped me through some
of the hardest moments in my life. I’ve never met anyone like him. I
am sure that I am a very difficult person to be with; however, we love
each other very much. The happiest times of my life have all been with
him.
However. For the past month or so, there has been a lot of fighting,
over things like how I need more attention than he can give; I get
extremely jealous of his female friends, whom I know think the world of
him and would love to take my place. At the same time, the fighting
has been over stupid little things that leave both of us crying and
upset. Throughout all of this, it was so hard to fight with him, but
it was worth it to be able to see him. Then he decided that he
couldn’t handle it anymore. I don’t blame him. We are now broken up
with the understanding that perhaps, in the future, things may work out
again. It’s been very, very hard. I’ve pretty much been sitting here
bawling and hating myself and having panic attacks. What makes it
worse is that it’s awkward when we spend time together now; however,
the good outweighs the bad, and it’s much harder for me to not see him
than to him.
Here’s the problem. He’s able to go out with his friends and try to
have a good time and enjoy himself; I just end up crying and going home
when I try to go out. I never thought I would be pathetic enough to
sit at home by myself hoping a guy would call me, and to a certain
extent turning down invitations on the off chance that he would call.
The thing is, though, that he isn’t calling. He says it’s hard and it
hurts; I know it does, but if I mean so much to him (he calls me his
only family), why isn’t it harder for him to not see or talk to me? My
friends have told me that I should lay off, not call or text him, and
not ask to spend time together. That I should wait for him. I’m
afraid that he won’t want to, and he’ll go out of my life just like
every other person who has ever professed to care about me. I can’t
handle the thought of losing him. He is the the only person who makes
me happy.
I’m starting therapy on Monday to deal with a lot of the
insecurities and issues which, I believe, were at the root of the
fighting. I know I should probably wait and try to figure myself out
and then try again with him. The problem is that I can’t. I scare
myself because I’ll go through these waves of the worst misery I have
ever felt in my entire life. I lie in bed panicking and crying,
wishing he would show up saying he misses me. How can I forget things
by going out with friends when all I can think of when I’m out is how
much better it would be if he were there? I’ve tried to ask him to
please call me more often so that I know he’s there and thinking of me;
when I ask, he says he is, and that he misses me. I believe him.
I
realize this is probably not the most straightforward and
understandable question you’ve ever gotten, but I’m so depressed and
miserable without him that I can’t function. Give it time? I don’t
know how, because I don’t know how to get through a day, let alone a
week or month.
Signed,
I want you to want me.
Dear Want,
First of all: stop seeing him and stop speaking with him. “But –” I know, but no. “But I –” I know that, but: no. Stop. It’s making it worse. I know it doesn’t seem like it is, because what you want is to be with him, but y’all broke up, and every time you see him now, it rips the scab off. Cut off contact. It’s the only way to get past it. Otherwise you’re going to keep hoping; as it is now, you’re waiting by the phone for a guy who…dumped you. Again, I sympathize, but that’s messed up and you need to stop.
Break-ups are really hard; the only way to get through them, really, is to try to accept the misery for what it is and to get through each day as it comes. At first it’s horrible and wretched and you feel like you will physically die — but you won’t, and eventually it gets easier.
Therapy will help, and I’m glad you’re going, because your self-esteem is, like, ankle-high right now; you should not need this much reassurance from a guy who, I must point out again, broke up with you, not because you’re a bad person but because, really, it’s not anyone’s job to make you not hate yourself but your own.
It’s not an easy job, but it’s worth doing. Right now, you talk like you’re this pathetic creature whose abandonment is inevitable; the reality is that you’re having a rough time, as we all do now and then, and you need some help. You’re going to get through this, but…you’re going to have to do it without T’s help, starting now, because…that’s what a break-up is. Seeing him isn’t working. Cut it off.
Dear Sarah,
In nine months I’ll be walking down The Aisle, which I am thrilled about due to the terrific and loving man I’ll be marrying. I’m enjoying every minute of the wedding planning, the googly-eye-making with my beloved and even the frank discussions on the “hard” topics. And of course there is one where we just don’t see eye to eye: money. I know WHY we don’t see eye to eye, but I can’t figure out how to get to that happy middle place where we don’t FIGHT about it EVERY time it comes time to spend it.
His background: family immigrated to the US in 1984, and by “immigrated” I mean “escaped in the dark of night from a communist country.” They lived with the daily paranoia that if they discussed the matter and a neighbor overheard, they could be turned in and live in jail for a long long time. So when they left, they brought virtually nothing with them. Needless to say, the first few years were hard, especially on my future-husband, who was ten at the time, and his brother, who was one year older. Money was scarce, and the parents were from the “fix it and keep it” generation, so they never bought anything new, ever. As a result, he never wants to spend money. Which is not entirely accurate, since he has no problem shopping at the most expensive grocery stores if they are “all natural,” and he has no problem with us going out to nice restaurants, or dropping $300 on one night at a B&B for Valentine’s Day.
My background: basically a spoiled brat. My family was never even approaching the level of mansions and second homes, but I got whatever toy I wanted, pretty much whenever I wanted it. And if Dad didn’t want to buy something, Mom did it anyway, which of course led to loud yelling fights that we kids witnessed. As a result, I went through college thinking that just getting another credit card was the solution to my problems, spent like crazy, and then paid for it big time, and now finally managed to get it all paid off. I contribute to my 401k, have an IRA and a savings account, so if I have money in the bank, I have no problem spending it on whatever I want. And now Mom is of course counseling me to just buy what I want because I can afford it…but I saw the effect THAT had on HER marriage (still happily married, but lots and lots of fights over this very same issue). I don’t want that.
My question to you is, how do I overcome the very LARGE gap in what I think is reasonable and his idea of what is totally ludicrous? For example, we are currently looking for a new washer-dryer set, and I found this GREAT Maytag one that will hold LOTS of stuff at once (less time I spend doing laundry, especially when two kids are in the future). Anyway, he flipped out when I said it was $1500 for the set. This is just the latest example, but he definitely exhibits the “penny wise-pound foolish” traits when it comes to whether he is going to pay for something (i.e.: I don’t think he has a clue what new stuff costs, because he never bought anything new). He is so focused on saving money for when we have kids, that I’m afraid we are going to get into the position of having kids and THEN needing to replace high-cost items AGAIN, because we got the cheap crap the first time.
Anyway…where’s the middle ground? And I don’t mean “just find a cheaper washing machine,” I mean, how do I actually find the middle ground where we can BOTH think something is reasonable when it comes to spending money? I admit that my taste runs on the expensive side, but I’m not talking “must have gold and crystal EVERY-where, daaahhling.” When it comes to an appliance that we could very well have for 20 years, I honestly think that the $1000-1500 range is totally reasonable. And frankly, I can afford it on my salary alone, so do I get into the “I’m working so I’ll spend what I want” mode, or do I seriously need a reality check?
Not really a princess
Dear Really,
You know, I hope, that you need to get on the same page with this stuff before you get married, because this is the leading cause of marital fights, and you’d better find that middle ground before you walk down the aisle, or it’s going to be an ongoing problem.
The thing is, based on your letter, I think your idea of “middle ground” is “getting him to see why you’re right, and give in.” Yeah…no. Won’t work. Compromise means both people give a little ground, so the two of you should sit down and each talk about what you think is reasonable in various financial situations, and then compromise. Talk about how you’re going to handle these big-ticket purchases in the future. Find a way to get the best deal that works for both of you.
And you might want to leave the kids you haven’t even had yet out of it. “He is so focused on saving money for when we have kids, that I’m afraid we are going to get into the position of having kids and THEN needing to replace high-cost items AGAIN” — I mean, what? You act like having to buy new appliances when you have kids at the same time is some kind of catastrophe. Shit breaks, man. Mercedes doesn’t make a washing machine; bring it down a notch.
You’re both worrying a little too much about stuff that might never happen, or that’s a few years in the future, and yet you don’t have a joint plan for dealing with that stuff. You need to sit down and agree on how much you both save, how much discretionary spending you each do, who’s responsible for the bills, what’s a reasonable way to go about major purchases, and so on. Maybe you’ll decide that he gets to cheap out now and then, if you in turn get to invest more splurgily at times — but whatever it is, it’s got to be a long-term plan for the future that you can both live with. You’ve seen what happens without one.
Hey Sarah,
I think I have a problem.
I’ve been married for four years now, and I think I’m done. I’m 28, got married at 24, and have been mentally dividing our stuff ever since. We have issues. We don’t like the same things, like music, or TV shows, or movies, or whatever. We don’t communicate the same way (I’m really forward and say what’s on my mind, he can be passive-aggressive). The Big Thing is, though, he wants kids, and I don’t. Not for a long time, anyway. I’ve recently discovered a career path for myself, and it mostly involves me being selfish and having unstable relationships and blah blah self-involved-cakes. I don’t want to break his heart, but I don’t want to stay in a crappy relationship just because I said in front of a bunch of people that I would.
So I guess this is my question — is it better to keep to a commitment than to go for what makes you happy? Should I not pursue the unknown in order to stick with something unfulfilling? Am I just being a selfish jerk? What Would Sars Do?
Yours,
Dammit, Be A Grownup Already!!
Dear Word,
Sars wouldn’t have married a guy she couldn’t even talk to in the first place, for starters, and she wouldn’t have waited four years to even get around to asking an advice columnist whether she should get a divorce when it was obvious long before then that the marriage was no go.
“A selfish jerk,” no. Passive and in love with your own drama? Yup. You know the answers to these questions; you just don’t want to do anything about them. That’s fine, but it doesn’t change the facts. Divorce the guy, find someone who isn’t from the Planet Opposite, and work on acting like your life isn’t something that just happens to you, because that shit gets old.
Dear Sars,
This is a problem that I should probably be able to solve on my own, but for
some reason, the solution eludes me.
I’m writing my senior essay right now, and for the first time in my life,
I’m completely unable to focus. It’s getting serious. I started out
procrastinating by doing work for my other classes. Then I made a rule that
I had to do the work for my senior essay before doing work for other
classes. The result? I stopped doing work for other classes and just
started cleaning my apartment compulsively. So I made a rule that I
couldn’t clean until I’d both done work on my senior essay and work for
other classes. Now I’m living in squalor and sitting around apathetically,
reading TWoP recaps of classic Buffy episodes. The amount of things that I
have to do is paralyzing — I don’t know what to do first, so I do nothing.
I know that I should just suck it up and do something for the sake of my
(hopefully) upcoming graduation, but for some reason, I can’t get there. In
the past, I’ve always been able to get over myself and hunker down and just
work when I need to, but now I’m unable to kick myself in the ass, and so
I’m just sort of flailing around ineffectually. Help!
Signed,
Quietly Panicking
Dear Panicking,
I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: to-do list. It’s the only way. Write down all your tasks; break the big tasks down into smaller tasks; keep breaking them down until you’ve got manageable chunks that you can do and cross off; start doing and crossing off. Enlist a friend to ride your ass about the list if you have to, but make the list and start doing the shit that’s on it.
I suspect that you’re paralyzed because of your upcoming graduation; you want to finish, and yet, once you do, there’s the rest of your life, unplanned and gigantic, and some part of you doesn’t want to deal with that. Totally understandable, of course, but the future doesn’t go away; it’s always out there.
Again: list. Put the recaps on the list, too, and reward yourself now and then by taking a break to read one — but do the other things on your list, too. Don’t waste time beating yourself up for flailing; just try to confine the flailing to short, intense bursts and then move on to something more productive.
Sarah,
Having read a lot of your stuff, one thing that compels me to bow down
before you in total submission is your command of the language, and it is
in that spirit that I humbly ask for some advice.
I live in Michigan, and there’s a local news web site that I check out
every morning (www.woodtv.com). Today I saw the following headline: “Full
body scanning: preventative medicine or unnecessary procedure?”
“Preventative” is one of those words that prompts me to grab the bite
guard my dentist recently designed for me. It’s right up there with
“irregardless” (oooh, I HATE that one!).
In looking at one of my favorite TN pieces (“Sincerely Your’s”), you
write: “Preventive. Not ‘preventative.’ My MS spell-check doesn’t flag
it, but it’s still wrong.”
We’re in total agreement, but when I sent an email to the kind folks at
WOOD TV asking them to correct the title, I got the following response:
“I appreciate your concern and your viewership. After receiving your
email,
I double checked Webster’s Dictionary. It lists both ‘preventive’ and
‘preventative’ as correct and meaning the same thing.”
Dude, help me out here. My brief Google searches haven’t provided me with
a consensus. She may be correct in the most technical sense (hey, if it’s
in the dictionary, right?), but “preventative” is still wrong. The spike
in my blood pressure when I see it means it HAS to be wrong, yes?
I appreciate any detailed advice you might provide.
B
Dear B,
My Webster’s agrees with yours; “preventative”‘s definition is, and I quote, “PREVENTIVE.” I’m happy to report, however, that “preventive” came into the language in 1639, “preventative” not until 1666. TAKE THAT, WOOD TV, YOU DESCRIPTIVIST BASTARDS!
Heh. But there’s more! Garner is dismissive of “preventative,” describing it as “the corrupt form with the extra internal syllable” and noting that, “[i]n modern print sources, preventive is about five times as common as preventative, a needless variant.”
So: “Preventative” is a pointless and inelegant variation on an existing, and shorter, word that means exactly the same thing and that people use far more often — and Garner ain’t having it. It’s not incorrect, but it’s wrong. Don’t use it. You’re welcome.
Tags: boys (and girls) grammar
