Hi Sars,

I am hoping you can help me out with a grammar question.

Posted near the exit of my university library is a sign that reads “You
may be requested to show your bag.” I am no grammar expert, but every
time I see that sign I become irritated. The use of “requested” in that
sentence is wrong, isn’t it?

Cheers,
Seeking clarification

Dear Seek,

My first instinct was to tell you that, while it’s an overcorrection of “asked” which is supposed to make the sign sound more official, it’s probably not wrong, strictly speaking. But after thinking about it for a minute, I think maybe it is wrong, because I think “request” is a transitive verb. In other words, it needs an object. Let’s look it up.

Indeed, it is a transitive. So, it needs to read something like “We may request that you show your bag,” which just flows more smoothly in the second place.

I suppose you could argue that the “to show” clause is the object — in other words, that verb phrase then functions as a noun — but I don’t think that works, grammatically, because of the “you” subject. Put another way, “To show your bag may be requested” would be okay, if rather stereo-instructions-y in presentation (the “…of you” is implied), but with “you may” as the primary verb phrase, “request” needs a preposition, something to indicate the transitive relationship.

If you don’t feel like tossing the word salad I just served, here’s the short answer: the sign is, at best, poorly constructed, and is in fact probably incorrect. Glare at it righteously.

Dear Sars,

Yet another friend problem. This particular friendship has definitely reached the end of its shelf life, but what happens when one side doesn’t realize that?

This girl was part of my husband’s circle of college friends, and she kind of latched onto me five or six years ago since I was pretty much the only other female geek gamer around. Since then, we’ve both gotten married and been through a host of life problems together. We’ve never been particularly close, but good friends nonetheless.

The problem is that this girl is…well, she’s a special ed. teacher. She’s friendly, warm, caring, and has a heart of gold, but she treats everyone like, well, a mentally challenged sixth grader. Everyone, from her husband to her friends to people she’s meeting for the first time. It’s like a mothering instinct on crack.

It makes doing anything with her a nightmare, because she insists on treating everyone like a child. Seriously, if we go somewhere, I do not need to be asked if I need to use the bathroom when we pass one. It’s personally insulting and just plain frustrating. It’s even more frustrating when other people become collateral damage. Several years ago hubby and I got dragged on a trip to the next state over with her. She overrode my protestations that my younger brother was going to be visiting and dragged him along too, then ordered him around and pretty much used him as a free babysitter for her (one-year-old or so at the time) daughter. It wasn’t like it was personal or mean, just that he (along with the rest of us) was a child who needed to be controlled. It’s like everyone on earth is one of her children, to be encouraged or reprimanded or used for duties like the above when she requires it.

Most of the problem was solved when we recently moved to Big City, eight hours away. She still wants to see us when we go back home for holidays, though, and I’m getting tired of making excuses or coming up with creative “other plans.” What’s a good way to break off this friendship without flat out telling her to go away? I keep hoping it will die on its own, since we rarely talk, but she keeps wanting to see us over the holidays and eventually I’m going to run out of excuses.

Too Nonconfrontational For My Own Good

Dear Yes, Rather,

It is a sad fact of life that sometimes, when you want something, you have to say so in so many words. If you wanted this woman to stop treating you and everyone else around her like a baby, you probably should have told her so, pointed out that you are not in fact six years old and can manage your bathroom visits on your own, that her bossiness is off-putting.

But you didn’t, and you aren’t interested in continuing the friendship, which is fine. So: see above. You could just tell her that. Or you could just tell her…nothing. One of the happy facts of life is that, in many situations, you are not required to give an explanation. If you don’t want to spend time with this woman, simply tell her you can’t make it. She doesn’t need to know your “other plans,” or whether you even have any. You won’t be able to visit her; end of story.

It is difficult to have these conversations, or to resist over-explaining, because you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or have them get angry at you. But that is not compatible with your stated desire to avoid the woman, so, as I’ve said a hundred different ways in this space, it comes down to a choice: you can continue to pretend you want to see her, and resent the effort; or you can stop pretending, in the way you see fit.

“We won’t be available that day. Take care!” It’s not the easiest jump in the world, but you can stick the landing. Do it.

Hi Sars —

I think I have a smallish problem. I’m a junior in college, and these past
two and a half years have been spent by trying to erase high school from my
memory. High school (as I’m sure it was for many, many people) was sort of
quietly hideous, and senior year I went through a stage (called
“understanding”) where I decided/realized that even my…”friends” were not
helpful to my situation. I toughed it out and held my breath ’til college.

And then I went to college and immediately loved it. New, wonderful friends,
amazing boyfriend, fantastic classes, et cetera. Two years later, the bloom is
somewhat off the rose, but that’s not really important. The upshot is I am
extremely busy when I’m at school (large courseload, part-time job), and when
I’m not busy (rarely), I am impressively lazy, and I vegetate on the couch for
hours at a time, doing nothing.

I decided when I graduated high school that I only wanted to keep in contact
with maybe five or six people. One of those five or six is Lexi.

I do want to say that I am extremely bad at calling people, and otherwise
keeping in contact. I go for weeks without calling my own mother, who has sort
of gotten used to it. Most of the people that I don’t see every day, even up
here at school, I only make the effort to talk to about every four to six
weeks. If you’re at a different school, forget it. I’ve never been a very needy
friend, or proactive in any way. I’ll be here for you if you ask me, but I’m
really just not the type to approach you.

The problem is such: Lexi calls me now and then, and it’s lovely to talk to her,
but every time she calls, I get a five-minute lecture about how I am a bad
friend for not keeping in touch with her, and then the passive-aggressive stuff
starts, and continues until I hang up. The last time she called was about a
month ago, and she yelled at me for not calling her since August. I apologized,
explained how I am (which she ought to have figured out by now), and apologized
again. We talked for about twenty minutes, but then Top Model was on, and I
had to go watch, and I told her I would call her back after it was over.

But then Lost came on, and then there was a Law and Order rerun I had never
seen…

Yeah, excuses. I didn’t call her back. Still haven’t. It’s shitty of me, I know,
but I know that when I call her, I’m just going to get the lecture and the
unpleasantness.

I know you say friendships have a lifespan, but I still like Lexi a lot, and I’d
like to hang out when we’re both in town on vacations. I’m just…really busy
when I’m at school.

Sars? Please weigh in. I know I should call her back. Is there any way I can
make it clear that she’s expecting too much from me, and to ask her to knock it
off with the lectures and the unpleasantness? Or is she completely right, and
I’m just a really bad friend, and I need to do better?

My Throat Closes Up When The Phone Rings

Dear Riiiiiiiiiiicolaaaaaaaaa,

Call her up and tell her pretty much what you just told me — that you would have called her back, but you knew you’d get your beads read to you, and you’re sorry your style of keeping in touch doesn’t mesh with hers, but it is what it is and the bigger a federal case she makes of it every time, the less likely you are to make an effort.

It’s my experience that, when people say they’re just bad at keeping in touch, it’s true, and their “out of sight, out of mind” attitude isn’t something to get offended by; it’s just how they are, and you enjoy the contact you do have and don’t expect more than they can give you. In your case, I do think there’s a little more to it — you make a point of saying that you’re not the type to approach people, which I wouldn’t probably have noticed if you hadn’t intro’ed your letter by talking about your hellish high-school experience. It just sort of makes me think that you purposely remove yourself from people in this way so you don’t get rebuffed; I don’t think it’s conscious, and it’s a pretty normal defense. I’m just…saying.

You can think that over or not; if this is just your way, well, there it is. But you do need to tell Lexi that, and to let her know that, if she can’t be a little less hectoring when you do speak, you…won’t speak, because you’re over it. I mean, nicer than that, but: yeah.

Sars,

I’ve got a quick question on friend etiquette
(friendiquette?). I’m a grad student and future
teacher, and this year I’ve become friends with a guy
named Harry whom I had to observe teaching. He’s also
in my grad program. My boyfriend and I have hung out
with Harry and his wife Kim twice. The second time we
hung out, my boyfriend was extremely quiet and, after
I questioned him a bit afterwards, told me that for
whatever reason Kim drove him nuts and he didn’t want
to hang out with them anymore if it was going to be
just the four of us.

Sars, I’m at a bit of a loss. My boyfriend Dave and I
have been dating seriously for over two years, and
this is the first time that there’s been a problem
with one of us not liking the other’s friends. I feel
like Dave is entitled to his own feelings and
irrational dislikes (he freely admits that his dislike
of Kim is not grounded in anything). However, I also
feel like him sucking it up and dealing with Harry and
Kim once every couple of months is just not that big a
deal. Harry’s been asking me lately when the four of
us can next get together, and I’ve had to tell him
that Dave and I are pretty busy guys and I’ll need to
get back to him. I don’t like making excuses like
that, but I also don’t want to tell Harry, “Hey, Dave
likes you fine, but your wife bugs the hell out of
him…so we’ll pass on dinner, ‘k?”

So…what am I reasonably allowed to ask my boyfriend
for? I’m certainly not asking him to be bestest
friends 4-ever with Kim; I’d just like us to have
dinner with them once in a blue moon.

Nice Guy in a Fix

Dear Guy,

In situations like this, where the annoying friend in question hasn’t “done anything to” your S.O. besides grate on his nerves in a general way, you need to look for a compromise. I’ve been in this situation on both sides, and it usually worked out that, when one of us was like, “Uch, your friend R, I just can’t,” the other one was like, “You can skip dinner with R this time if I don’t have to deal with G and his stupid roommate next Friday.” I mean, ideally you like all your boyfriend’s friends and he likes all of yours, but in reality, it doesn’t work that way all the time, so you broker a deal.

It’s one thing if the annoying friend has said something specifically offensive, or…I don’t know, is a bad drunk or something and he’s uncomfortable with that, but if he just doesn’t like her, I think it’s fair for you to ask him to suck it up, just once in a while and as a favor to you. Ask Dave if, for you, he could sit through a brunch or something with them, like, once every six months. Afterwards, he’s allowed to make fun of Kim as much as he wants and ice cream is on you, but if he could just be the awkward sponge now and then, you’d really appreciate it.

You can also make “plans” as a foursome, knowing he won’t go, and then pretend that he had work at the last minute or something. You can’t overuse that, and it’s not a permanent solution, but if Harry is on you to make a dinner date and Dave’s like, “I’ll go, but…not this time,” it’s a decent stopgap. “Bad chicken salad…what can you do” followed by a small shrug usually does the trick.

Long-term, though, it’s important to you that Dave suffer fools occasionally on your behalf — not all the time, but sometimes. Make sure you’re talking about that, not about Kim herself.

Hey, Sars. Love your column, and I’m looking for some help getting my head
on straight about something. Who better to ask?

So, I was raised Mormon, but have been “inactive” for about seven years. I have
no desire to be involved in the religion, but my parents are very active and
involved in the church, and I am very close to my parents.

I recently got married, and my husband is no longer active in the religion
he was raised in, either (Lutheran). We bought a house, and we live not
only near my parents, but in the boundaries of the Mormon church I grew up
in. Now, this isn’t a question about how to deal with my parents, because
they have finally accepted that I don’t swing that way anymore, and they
adore my husband, and are basically cool with all that.

Since I was a kid, I’ve played my flute with the choir for the Christmas
productions. Even when I went away to college, and started to become
inactive, I’d still accept the invitation to play with the choir, especially
since my parents were in the choir, I’m a sucker for Christmas music, and
all that. Well, this year I fully intended to say no, because my parents
aren’t in the choir anymore (health issues, busy, whatever), but “yes” came
out of my mouth instead of “no” when the phone call came. So, whatever, I
went to the rehearsal and the performance was fine and not a big deal,
plus it was too late to bail now when I was already in the printed programs. I
really should have said no, and I dreaded the performance.

Here’s the thing. Now that I live in the church boundaries, people from the
church (you know, my old Sunday school teachers, parents of old friends,
et cetera) have started asking why I don’t come to church anymore. I’m a very
private person, and to be honest, don’t really have a clear idea about what
I do and don’t believe, religion-wise. I don’t want to tell these people
that I have pagan leanings to my beliefs, now, and think their system of
hierarchy, patriarchy and requiring such intense devotion rubs me the wrong
way.

This isn’t such a big problem that I’m questioning buying a house in the
area, because it is an awesome house and an awesome area, but it has become
an annoyance, as we’ve begun getting calls asking for our address so they
can put us in the church phone list, et cetera. (We’re currently on the system of
checking caller ID and ignoring those voicemails.) But I was confronted
face-to-face these performances. I want to make it clear that we
don’t want to be affiliated with the church, but that we may attend on
Christmas and Easter to spend time with family, and that doesn’t signal a
re-conversion of any kind. Plus, like I mentioned, I have a past with a lot
of these people, and I do still like and respect them. So the question is,
what kind of answer can I give to questions like “why don’t you come to
church anymore?” that is both respectful, but conveys that I want to be left
the hell alone about church stuff?

I appreciate any strong kick in the ass you might have to offer.

Signed,
NOT Molly McMormon anymore

Dear Molly,

“I’m thinking about it.” Which you are, in the sense that you’re “thinking” you’re having none of it. They don’t need to know that. Change the subject.

“I’m not sure.” You are. They don’t need to know that. Change the subject.

“It’s something I’m working out on my own.” True. Basically. Not their business anyway. Change the subject.

Or just…change the subject. “How come we don’t see you at church anym–” “Wow, it’s GREAT to SEE you! Love the sweater! How’s Nancy?” People love to tell other people how they should second most in all the world. Most in all the world, what people love is to talk about themselves. Arm yourself with gossip or updates on these Nosy Parkers and interview them, then “spot” someone across the room and make your graceful exit.

Again: Polite conversation is a give-and-take, but if your conversation partner is trying to take information you don’t want to give, don’t give it. Point out in as Jackie O a way as possible that it’s private, and jump to the topic of spring sandals or college acceptances as quickly as you can.

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