The Vine: February 25, 2003
Sars,
I’m not sure really how to begin my letter, but I wondered if you (or any of
The Vine’s other helpful readers) might be able to offer some advice. I’ll
get to the point.
I have a friend who cuts her wrists. I will call her “S.” She has done this
several times, and she worries me and our mutual friends very much.
Some background: S is frequently depressed and has never been a very content
person. I love her to bits, but she’s terribly introverted and rarely ever
tells anyone if she is feeling down, even if asked. There are reasons for
this.
She is a recently come-out lesbian (she’s seventeen. The high school
environment is not terribly supportive of that fact.) S has a militantly
homophobic father, and a mother who seems not to care about her daughter’s
obvious depression. This is only as much info as I have gleaned in the past
three or four years…as I said, she doesn’t tell me many of her
problems.
Our friends and I have tried to talk to her about her cutting
problem, but predictably she blew us off, and I am not sure what to do. My
first instinct is to go over her head with it, but since I don’t think her
family’s terribly supportive, and school staff/counselors are hard to come
by in the summer, my friends and I have no idea who to take it to.
I have asked the opinion of my mother, who sometimes works with abused and/or
self-mutilating people — what she thinks based on what little info I can
give. She agrees that S needs help, since that fact that S does not cut
repeatedly for something such as pain release points to suicide attempts.
I don’t think S is abused physically in her home (a common trigger for
cutting) but she may suffer psychological abuse there. She certainly does at
school, because I guess flagrant homophobia is cool among adolescent males
(and females) recently. She blows that off as well, but I think it gets to
her.
I am terrified that I will find out that S has put herself in the hospital,
or that she will finally (purposely or accidentally) succeed in killing
herself. Recently she seems to be doing a little better, but I don’t trust
it for a second.
So what do you think? Should my friends and I try approaching her again? (It
didn’t work the first time[s].) Should we contact the school office anyhow,
even though it’s basically closed? I’ve recommended local distress centres
to her that my mom knows of, but S won’t take the advice.
I don’t feel that I can leave her alone about this, since she’s such a
danger to herself, and my friends agree.
Thanks in advance,
Walking On Razor Blades
Dear Blades,
Express your concern to S again — stress that you don’t judge her, but she’s got all of you very worried, and you want her to know that. You also want to know that if she needs to talk or things get really bad, she should let you know. Don’t have a group intervention type of thing; talk to her one-on-one so she doesn’t feel exposed and overwhelmed by the attention.
As long as she’s sort of maintaining at the same level, that’s probably all you can do — but if you really think she’s going to harm herself, go over her head. It’s a fine line between respecting a friend’s privacy and her desire to keep her pain to herself and letting her hurt herself, so if you find yourself on the far side of that line, call whomever you have to and get her some help. She’ll resent it at first, but she’ll get over it.
Hi Sars,
Okay. My friend — we’ll call her “Emily” — and I met during a particularly heinous women’s studies class. We hit it off, mostly out of our mutual repugnance at all the PC-ness and the overtly-uddered (and braless) professor. Jibes and hilarity ensued.
Then the “secrets” started coming out. Emily had a nasty habit of self-mutilation (which she felt compelled to show me), as well as an anxiety disorder and an eating disorder she WAY overshared on. Oh yeah, and she hates her dad and men in general, and is a virgin.
While I in no way felt compelled to therapize her, I did have empathy, and tried to be helpful. She graduated (with a degree in psychology!), and it seemed natural to let the friendship drift. This, however, hasn’t been okay with her. She lives with her mother in the boondocks, and from what I can gather, has few other friends.
Now, the dilemma. As I said, Emily is a virgin, and hates men, but a) is adamantly opposed to getting therapy, b) protests a little much about any lesbian tendencies, and c) is a little too touchy-feely with me, which kind of icks me out (not that there’s anything wrong with that). On top of this, she is rude to my other friends, who have compared her unfavorably to another “friend” I had who was a leech and a half.
SHEW! So, the question is: Do I blow her off completely, telling her exactly why? It has always been much easier for me to be blunt with guys (“Dude, I’m not your shrink and you’re sucking the life out of me”). I don’t want to wound her, but she’s like a giant complaint generator. While bitching is one of my favorite pastimes, this has gotten out of hand, and her joylessness is bringing me down.
For once, not trying to be a b**ch
Dear Not Trying,
It depends on how badly you want shut of Emily. I think you want me to tell you that it’s “okay” to drop the hammer, that it’s safe to do it even though she’s troubled and isolated, and I don’t know her well enough to say, so you’ll have to judge for yourself — but if you want her out of your life, period, full stop, yes, the blunt approach is probably best.
On the other hand, maybe you’d like to treat her more gently, and that’s fine too, if you don’t mind waiting a while before the hint gets taken. Keep pleading “busy” and “other plans,” and if that’s not working, revisit the decision.
Sars —
I’m a college student. I live in a dormitory on campus, and my roommate is my best friend since high school, N. My boyfriend of almost a year, J, lives a floor above us with HIS best friend. His best friend happens to be N’s boyfriend. So, we’ve got best friends/roommates dating best friends/roommates. Now, we’ve only been living so closely for a few weeks. Which means that over the past few weeks, we’ve been spending a LOT of time together…much more than we used to. That’s where the problem begins.
You see, N can be a very overwhelming person. And J simply can’t stand her. She used to just annoy him, but it was never a big deal because he could always get away. But now, it’s much harder for him. You see, N and her boyfriend are inseparable. So if J wants to spend any time with his roommate, it has to be with N too. It’s getting to the point where anytime J is around N, he ends up getting upset and in a bad mood. But the only way for him to not spend time with her is to not spend any time with his roommate, and he doesn’t want that.
As far as he and I can see, there are only a couple of solutions. 1) Continue spending time with N and spend a great deal of his time being annoyed and upset, or 2) stop spending time with N and alienate himself from his best friend. He’s also feeling guilty that he’s having so much trouble getting along with my best friend. And it’s not as if he’s mean to her. He’s perfectly nice to her, and at first glance, no one would even be able to tell there’s a problem. But it’s getting harder for him to handle.
I guess what I’m looking for from you is an outsider’s view. Is there a solution that we’re missing? Is there anything he or I can do to change things without making them worse? Any advice you can give would really be appreciated. Thank you!
Stuck in the middle
Dear Stuck,
There isn’t really a solution here. J will have to find a way to split the difference — hang out with his roommate some, but not so much that N drives him nuts. He might consider suggesting roommate-only activities now and then, or asking to set ground rules for how much time girlfriends spend in their room.
J should also think about why he finds N so annoying, and decide not to let her bother him quite so much, because it doesn’t look like she’s going anywhere. And all four of you should have and maintain your own lives outside the square — otherwise you’ll drive each other stone crazy.
Dear Sars,
This is definitely more fluffy than traumatic, but still an issue, so
any advice you would have would be appreciated.
After five-plus years of growing my hair long, I’ve decided it’s time for a
change. I’ve been thinking about it for awhile to make sure I don’t do
anything hasty, and I’ve finally decided I’m definitely ready to make
the bold move of cutting it all off.
My problem is this: In those five-plus years, the most I’ve ever done is a
half-inch trim every six weeks at Supercuts. I’ve figured out what kind
of style I want, and I’ve found a picture that illustrates that. But
I’m paranoid about stuff like the person messing it up, and me walking
around with a bad haircut for ages (particularly since the cut involves
layering, which can be a nightmare to grow out). In addition, I have no
idea how much to tip someone who charges more than $10 for a cut.
Any suggestions you might have for me about a) how to find a place that
is actually good, b) tipping, and c) anything else involving haircuts I
haven’t thought of would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks,
Soon to be ex-Rapunzel
Dear Ex-Rapunzel,
Go to Noel. He’s the guy on the right with the blowdryer. He’s nice, he’s cute, he never does that thing where you say “an inch” and wind up in the Marines — I love Noel, and after Sido left me and went back to France, I never thought I’d love again. [sniff]
I found Noel randomly and it worked out really well, but walking into a salon cold can up your apprehension factor, so ask your friends with good hair about their stylists. In the context of finding a hair wrangler, “good hair” means that it looks great but you can’t see the stylist working, if that makes any sense. The cut comes in nicely, and it holds up well even after six or eight weeks; the color is striking but subtle. That kind of hair can cost you, and it’s worth it, but at least one of your friends will know a hair deity who doesn’t charge Vidal prices.
Once you get there, share your fears and dreams with the stylist. Discuss what you want before you even go for the shampoo, and speak up during the cut if it’s going in a direction you don’t like, but keep in mind also that, often, styles need a day or two to “settle.” Noel occasionally has a master plan that doesn’t reveal itself until a few days later, but the plan always comes together.
I tip $10 on a $50 haircut, cash. If you really love the cut, you can tip more, but the best way to say you like the work is to keep going back to that stylist.
Try not to worry too much. The great thing about hair is that it always grows back.
Dear Sars,
I’ve been reading Tomato Nation a long time and I don’t think this is going to be your most creative letter ever. However, I’m getting kind of desperate, and thought that I might as well annoy you instead of my best friend, who has been listening to this nonsense for some time and has no more idea than myself what to do about it.
My mom isn’t malicious, but she’s either crazy or massively self-centered. There, isn’t that earth-shattering? But it makes me miserable and I’m only eighteen, jobless, and can’t afford to move elsewhere, and she’s unintentionally driving me to the point of panic attacks and what I think might be depression. (Basically, I dunno, but I cry all the time for no reason and just want to sleep and/or die.)
I love my younger brother immensely, but it’s very obvious my mom favors him, which throws off the sibling dynamic. It’s hard to watch a fourteen-year-old be treated like either a pwecious wittle baby, or alternately like the Grand High Rajah of Upper-Buttcrack all the time, when I know at fourteen I was babysitting his royal ass, and my sister’s ass, for free. And doing a lot of other chores he’s much too fragile to do now, of course.
Generally, when she butts out, he and I are the best of friends, but she’s under the impression that I might accidentally kill him or something, and she has to interfere because “You pick on him. He’s such a sweet boy. He wants to be helpful. Not like some people.” That strains my relationship with him, because she turns him into this wussy mama’s boy and then I can’t stand to be near either of them.
Though he did say once, “No, I don’t know why she did that either. I think she’s crazy.”
My sister and my brother don’t get along because of this. Of course, that “is all your sister’s fault.” She picks away at my sister, too, but my sister fades out like a ghost. She says she can’t handle it, that she has to run away, and I want to shield her, but I can’t take it anymore. And I don’t know how to fade out.
My dad doesn’t care. He wrote my sister off as “shy,” my brother is great because he’s always happy and cuddly, and when I’m happy he thinks I’m great and if I’m not happy he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. Also, no one’s allowed to cause him stress because when he’s stressed he’s really hard for anyone in general — my mom especially — to live with. He throws stuff and freaks out.
When we’re cool, he says I’m just like him. (He means this fondly — I’m sarcastic and cynical.) On the other hand, he’s got a history of clinical depression, so this would count as Things I Don’t Get.
I try to be happy, and I can’t do it all the time. They tease me because I cry too much, or sometimes my mom accuses me of doing it on purpose to make her unhappy. That makes it worse, because I honestly cannot control it.
I think it’s getting worse. Now that I’m eighteen, my mom wants me to pay rent. I’m not paying rent to live in this mess, but I don’t have any money at all anyway because I’m unemployed. I wanted to join the Army, but both my brother and my sister (who don’t agree on hardly anything) begged me to stay. Am I wussing out by sitting at home instead of venturing out into the world, or wussing out by trying to run as far away from this freakshow as possible?
Signed,
The Oldest Daughter
Dear Oldest,
God, get out of there. Get a job, join the Army — whichever army will take you, U.S. or otherwise. Form a plan, get some money, and go far far away from these assholes.
Your siblings will find a way to cope without you; they’ll have to. Your family isn’t evil, but it’s a mess, and the longer you stay, the more of a mess it’s going to make out of you. It’s scary out there in the world, but it’s better than where you are now. Do whatever you have to do to leave them behind.
Tags: friendships health and beauty the fam
