The Vine: February 26, 2002
Dear Sars,
Here’s the situation: I have been dating my boyfriend, Jim, for over two years. About a year of that has been long distance. In the non-long-distance times, we have lived together and also lived in the same city. I’m crazy about Jim (and he feels the same way), and we’ve been talking about marriage for almost a year now.
I wanted to make sure we took things slowly, because I have had a tendency to rush relationships in the past. I was engaged when I was 20 (I’m 26 now), and I tend to think every guy will be marriage material. So I have been taking things slow and carefully with Jim to make sure this one is no mistake.
A week ago, Jim and I decided to get married. We were both giddy as soon as we decided. It didn’t even feel like a decision — it felt like admitting something we’d known for a long time. We just went around glowing. We live far from both our familes (other side of the world), so we decided to get married next month in the city where we live in a simple civil ceremony. We’ll have a big party for friends and family, and a religious ceremony, next summer when we’re back in the U.S. We talked to my parents, and it’s okay with them.
We want to marry next month instead of just waiting for next summer because 1) we’re excited, 2) he’ll be covered by my health insurance, and 3) we live in a conservative country where dating is frowned upon, and living together is really taboo.
So what’s the problem?
My little brother. Well, he’s not little, he’s 23. But he’s totally opposed to the marriage. He’s also hurt — Jim and I live in a city where international phone calls are challenging to make, and I had to travel for my job, so we didn’t get to call him right away once we decided. He heard that I was getting married from my dad.
He thinks that we’re rushing things and making a mistake, and he thinks I should have told him myself. I agree with the one — I should have told him — but not the other. This is not a mistake, or a rush.
And Sars, I love my brother. A lot. We’ve always been friends as well as siblings. It’s a lot like you and Mr. Stupidhead, I think (based on what you’ve written), which is a big reason I’m asking you for advice.
I guess I have two questions. Question one is, how do I apologize enough for not telling the brother myself? (Yes, I have tried “I’m sorry and I made a mistake.”) Does he even have the right to be so mad?
Question two: How much should my brother’s opposition worry me? I know he’s never really liked Jim, and my brother is an easygoing guy who likes most everyone. Is he picking up on something that I should take seriously? My brother has always known me really well. Should I delay the wedding? Or should I follow my own instincts and go for it? Delaying my wedding because my brother’s not sure sounds insane, put like that, but he’s also one of my best friends.
Anything you could tell me would be much appreciated.
Far Away and Nervous
Dear Far,
Don’t apologize any more than you already have. You’ve already asked for his forgiveness; if he wants to keep stewing in spite of the extenuating circumstances, well, that’s his choice. As for whether he has a “right” to get angry…well, he has a right to whatever emotion he’s having. Putting that emotion in play is another thing altogether, of course, as I’ve said a thousand times.
I don’t know what’s got your brother so bent out of shape, but I suspect it’s that you live far away and he feels like he’s not a big factor in your life at the moment, and hearing that you’d gotten engaged from your dad and not you exacerbated that fact. And it probably explains why he doesn’t like Jim that much. Jim is supplanting him as the best male friend. Frankly, unless he’s come up with specific reasons why Jim is a bad match for you — he’s embezzling from you or running you down behind your back, something concrete — I wouldn’t take his objections too seriously.
In short, I suspect that it’s a territorial issue, and you’ll have to find a way to give your brother a little room to deal with that — but without letting him manipulate you. If you treat it like the big issue he’s turned it into, you’ll just reinforce his impression that he’s got a say in this decision, which, in the end, he really doesn’t. Apologize once more if you feel the need, tell him you love him and you want him to be happy for you, and let him deal with it on his own.
I would like to receive some of your sage advice. Here’s the scenario: S and I have been married for five years. We’re one of those lovey-dovey couples. We spend lots of time together and enjoy each other’s company. But all is not happy. When we met, I knew that S had serious financial woes. He lived with his parents and had credit card debt up to his eyeballs. He had been working the same fairly dead end job for 14 years while trying to get his art career off the ground. But, at the time, I wasn’t too concerned about the money. Maybe I was blinded by love. Anyway, I had a fairly well-paying job and landed an even better-paying job soon after we were married.
Then I decided to go to grad school. We talked it over, and S agreed that he was ready, willing, and able to help any way he could. I explained to him that this would mean 1) moving out of state and 2) that he would be the primary breadwinner once I started my internship. Again, he was very gung-ho. So we pulled up stakes and moved. I started school and landed a fairly good job. S wasn’t so lucky. The only work he found was warehouse work, which paid well, but left him exhausted. He complained that he wasn’t getting any art done. At the start of the spring semester, he quit his job. We quickly went through our savings and, when he landed a new job, it was at considerably less pay. There was no way he could support both of us on just that. I was coming up fast on the end of my internship. We had gone through our savings and the financial aid money I received. S was very resentful about working and complained every chance he got. Finally, when this spring rolled around, I was unable to start the internship and ended up withdrawing from the program.
I don’t want to blame him for that. I made that decision. But the resentment is eating away at me. This grad school thing wasn’t something that just appeared out of the blue. We had talked about it and made plans that fell through when S quit his job. There have been other financial missteps. He agreed to be primarily responsible for paying the bills so that I could concentrate on school; then he forgot to pay bills and even forgot to pay the rent. We are in danger of losing our car insurance because he hasn’t paid the bill.
Right now, I don’t feel like I can count on him. I’m getting ready to reapply to another grad school program. In order to increase S’s chances of finding better-paying work, we are returning to our home city. I don’t want to, but I know that if we stay down here, I’ll never finish school. S is a good artist but has not yet managed to make it into a full-time career. He has also turned down chances to increase his skills. He forked over $100 to a trade school, then didn’t go.
I don’t know what to do. Part of me says to chuck the whole thing. Since we’ve been together, I’ve had a number of overdrafts and turn-off notices, far more than I had had before. I don’t want him to support me entirely. I’m willing to work part-time. But I need to know that I can depend on him to hold up his end of the bargain.
Long story, I know. The main problem is, how do I talk about this with him? Every time I bring it up, he goes into this long sob story about how he’s wasted his talent, how he hates having to go to work every day, how he resents the demands being made on his time. I end up feeling awful for expecting him to go out and earn money by working non-art-related jobs. Then I get pissed because, dammit, he’s had 14 years to get his shit together and make something of his art. Instead, he’s amassed a giant collection of comics and art books and not much else. Once I’m done with grad school, I’m willing to support him all he needs, but right now I need his help and I don’t know how to tell him that I don’t know if I can depend on him. I don’t even know how to tell him how mad I am or how much I resent having to withdraw from school.
Any advice?
Grumpy Grad Student
Dear Grumpy,
You’ve got to be kidding me. He “hates having to go to work every day”? He “resents the demands being made on his time”? Yeah, well, that’s why they call it “work” instead of “sitting on your ass doing fuck-all.”
Lovey-dovey or not, he’s a fucking baby. He’s self-absorbed, he’s willfully irresponsible, he’s passive-aggressive, and he thinks his needs and wants come ahead of yours. Sure, you can depend on him…to look out for himself first. He knows what grad school means to you; he just doesn’t want to carry you until you get where you need to go. He “can’t.” It’s “too hard.” That hurts, and that makes you really angry.
So, get really angry. I don’t know why you haven’t reamed him already, but God knows he’s got it coming — he broke promises to you, he probably jeopardized your credit rating, and apparently you can’t rely on him for support of any kind. Rational discussions don’t seem to get his attention because he always turns the subject back to himself, so blow it the fuck up and start yelling. You’ve earned it. Stomp out and slam the door and let him think it over.
When you come back, apologize for losing your temper, but inform him that it’s high time both of you faced the facts, to wit: You can’t depend on him, and he’s not going to change. You’ll have to decide for yourself if that’s something you can work around. Maybe he’s great in bed and makes fabulous pasta but he just can’t hack the breadwinner thing, so either you’ll make your own arrangements for grad school and take over the household finances and leave him to his art, or you’ll think to yourself, “He’s great, but marinara doesn’t pay the electric bill,” and you’ll leave.
But you both need to get brutally honest about what each of you needs and what each of you can give. If you keep counting on him to suck it up, he’ll keep disappointing you, so understand now that he has serious limitations in that area and decide how you want to handle that.
Tags: boys (and girls) the fam
