The Vine: February 27, 2002
I think your advice to Grumpy Grad Student is pretty spot-on, but I did want to add something. GGS’s husband sounds a lot like many people I have met in Debtors Anonymous. I ended up in DA because my wild overuse of credit cards was seriously hurting my marriage, but a lot of people in DA are like GGS’s artist hubby: they have trouble holding down jobs or fulfilling their potential, mainly due to self-esteem issues. This is in no way an excuse for his behavior, and I agree that GGS should let him know in no uncertain terms how she feels, but she also might consider referring him to DA. If he’s got a real problem, and isn’t just a lazy jerk, then it might be able to help him turn things around. He can find more info at www.solvency.org and at www.debtorsanonymous.org.
Former Wild Spender
Dear Former,
Thanks for that tip. Given the amount of whining he seems to do about his sacred art, I don’t think it’s a compulsive problem; I think he’s just a dink. But it might help him (or, more importantly, GGS) to check out those organizations.
Dear Sars,
Let me just start off by saying that I love TN, read it every week, and blah blah you’re-awesome-cakes. I especially love the stuff about your cats, because I have two myself. Or did, until this weekend. I’m a freshman in college, so I’m having a hard enough time adapting to life away from home, the stress of the workload, new friendships and relationships, et cetera. I was already dealing with some sort of minor depression. And then Saturday I get a phone call…my cat died. She was pretty old (almost 13) but she wasn’t sick, so I had no idea it was coming (at least, not so soon). I got her when I was seven years old. She’s been with me through three moves and all of the trials of growing up. I missed her a lot these past few months, and now I feel guilty that over winter break I was too busy to spend much time with her. My family is having her cremated, and said they can’t wait until I get home to do it (spring break is in less than two weeks).
I want to deal with my grief and try to move on, but it’s so hard here. My friends are being supportive, but they’ve only known me a few months, so it’s just…I don’t know. I feel like if I hear “oh I’m so sorry…so, anyway, today me and so-and-so….” one more time, I’m going to scream. I just need a shoulder to cry on, but I feel like I’ve burdened my friends enough these past few weeks with my depressing mood (or rather, they’ve made me feel like a burden). People at this school like to schedule everything in their lives, and it’s like they expect me to schedule my grief — pencil it in between lunch and history reading. Have a good cry and get over it. After all, she was just a cat.
The past few days, I’ve been busy with school and activities, and although I’ve cried a lot, I don’t think it’s really set in yet. I’ve said the words “my cat died” so many times that they’ve ceased to have any effect. For the first day or two, my method of “dealing with it” was to think about something else any time the thought entered my mind. But it’s not working so well anymore, and yesterday and today I’ve had a really hard time distracting myself. I hate that I look so down, because I’m sick of people asking me what’s wrong…talking about it just makes me more upset. And then at night I haven’t really been sleeping much; I just toss and turn for hours fighting off the tears. To top it all off, I “woke up” this morning with a sore throat, headache, and fever.
I long for the comfort of home, my parents, my bed, my house. And my family would definitely understand what I’m going through. My brother, who’s two years younger than me, was really attached to her too; he probably can’t remember not having her around. This has to be hard for him too. But we have such a messed-up relationship; we never get emotional with each other at all. Last night we talked on IM for the first time in weeks, and all we talked about were books and music, when I know we both really wanted to say “I love you, I miss you, are you okay?”
It would be so easy to go home for the weekend, since I only live an hour away. But I’m terrified of going back, because that means really dealing with this. I’m afraid if I go home, it’ll hit me, and I won’t be ready to come back when the weekend’s over. Besides, spring break is so soon.
I guess I just want to know what I can do to deal with this better. I’ve been lucky enough to have never really experienced death before in my life, which I’m grateful for, but it also makes this harder. You’ve dealt with the loss of a pet before; you must know how it feels. Is it a bad idea to try to put off really dealing with it until break? Should I just go home this weekend and make it real, get it over with? And what do I say to my friends, the ones who are well-intentioned but getting on my nerves? I know it’s only been three days, but these three days have been hell.
Any advice you have would be great,
Trying To Deal
Dear Trying,
I’m so sorry about your cat. I know it’s hard, especially when you live away from home.
First of all, you have to stop thinking there’s a “right” way to deal with your loss. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to slump around in a bad mood, slump around in a bad mood. You’ve lost a family member. You feel how you feel. Stop managing it to everyone else’s expectations.
Next, do something to give yourself closure. Going home is a good idea. Or you could have a little private ceremony for yourself and/or a few friends in memory of the cat, to say goodbye. However you decide to do it, mark your friend’s death in some way. Let yourself miss her. You won’t have a cleansing burst of tears and then feel miraculously better; that’s not how the loss of a loved one works. But you have to start somewhere. You can’t make room in your life for the grief if you pretend it isn’t there.
I think your real problem — generally speaking, as well as right now — is that, when faced with strong emotions, you retreat in fear. You don’t want to express them, or deal with them, because you think they’ll overwhelm you. Well, they probably will, but you can handle it. Storms don’t last forever; giving into one isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s okay to break down sometimes. It’s okay to feel incredibly sad. And it’s okay to tell your brother how you feel, and it’s okay to tell people who comment that you “look down” that you don’t want to talk about it, and it’s okay to feel depressed and alienated, but you can’t get past any of those things until you acknowledge them.
Miss your friend. Mourn her death. Have a little faith in yourself to find a way to go on from it, because you can, and you will.
Tags: cats
