The Vine: February 27, 2003
At least a dozen people have written to me since yesterday’s batch of letters went up, asking about “the Garner.” I thought I’d linked to the book on Amazon enough times that y’all knew what I meant — sorry! It’s The Dictionary of Modern American Usage, by Bryan Garner. My mom, a fellow usage buff, got it for me a few Christmases ago and it’s one of the best gifts I’ve ever received.
I’d recommend it as a worthwhile investment to any language library — and if you do plan on picking it up, why not do it here?
Hey, Sars!
Your advice to Out Of Touch is right on. It sounds like she (“he”? I
don’t know Out’s gender, but I assuming a female in this letter… [“That’s correct” — Sarah])
doesn’t know the customary “code of behaviour” that some Asian cultures
tend to have, and appealing to her relatives for help in that respect
can definitely be helpful.
I personally would talk to a friendlier
younger relative, say an aunt or an uncle, as they tend to be more
sympathetic and understanding when it comes to unfamiliarity with this
sort of thing. Speaking as an Asian surrounding by very
traditional Chinese relatives, I can say that the older generation tends
to assume that just because you’re Asian, you automatically know all the
Asian traditions and politeness codes, and these codes tend to be
strict. Blood relations also tend to bring assumed familiarity, even
though you may not know them all that well. Which is why Out’s
grandfather, right or wrong, felt he could lecture her as he did.
In terms of the “bringing food over to share and getting rejected”
issue, here’s what I’ve learned based on my own experiences. In some
Asian cultures, the custom is that you do not express gratitude outright
for a gift. You make protestations, say it wasn’t necessary, say you
don’t really need or want it, et cetera. Some people even try to make you
take it back. But in reality, they are grateful, and they do appreciate
the gift. The same goes with compliments. To accept gifts without
protest is to say that you aren’t well-off or are greedy. To accept
compliments without protest implies that you’re vain. It’s strange to
people who are not familiar with this custom, but that’s the way it
works. Some families do this to the extreme, others (especially those
who have lived in North America for a while) will say thank you. So Out
shouldn’t take it as discouragement when her relatives criticize or
whatever when she brings food over. And if they say they don’t like the
brand or something, she can always ask or check out their kitchen to see
what brands they do like.
As for the rest, like you said, Out should get guidance from her
relatives on how to not make any faux pas when spending time with them,
and apologize to her grandfather for inadvertently offending him.
Spending more time with them, interacting more with the family, and
taking part in family activities will probably help with the culture gap
a lot. I don’t speak Chinese very well, but I manage to interact with
my grandmother (who doesn’t speak English at all) quite well. In fact,
she tries to teach me new words every time I visit, and I always ask
questions about different things about Chinese customs I don’t
understand. Maybe Out can try that with her family.
Learning To Bridge The Culture Gap
Dear Bridge,
Thanks for the additional advice — it’s helpful to hear from someone who has experience with a similar situation.
I got a few other letters about Out Of Touch suggesting that there’s a gender gap at work here as well, so Out Of Touch might rather talk to a female relative.
Sars,
It’s interesting that in your most recent essay you use the word
“haughtily,” since my professor used it the other day and insisted that the
“h” is silent and it is pronounced “aughtily.” I think he’s wrong, but I
need some amunition to back me up. Who’s right?
Thanks,
It’s not “herb,” it’s “erb”
Dear Oib,
“Haughty” is pronounced with the H — unless it’s one of those regional pronunciation variants like “humidity” that people from certain parts of the country pronounce with a “yew” syllable instead of a “hew” — “Yew-ston, Texas,” that kind of thing. (Rusty Staub did it on Mets broadcasts for years and we couldn’t stand it. “The man’s name is NOT ‘Yew-bie Brooks’!”)
With that said, I suspect that that variant only applies to words with the “u” or “yew” sound at the beginning, and “haughty” doesn’t qualify.
Your professor is wrong.
Dear Sars —
I’ve been with my boyfriend Will for eight years, most of that time spent living
together. He’s a terrific guy — funny, sweet, properly liberal, intelligent,
cute — more or less everything I could hope for. He’s my best friend. We can
talk about anything with each other, and we have a very honest and caring relationship.
Our sex life is good (although sometimes a little routine) and after all this
time I still can’t wait to see him at the end of the day. I live for weekends
when we can spend hours together.
Things aren’t perfect, though — sometimes we irritate the crap out of each other
and get in stupid fights over nothing. When life is particularly stressful
(as it has been of late), our fights get really toxic. They never last more
than a couple of hours, but we know how to push each other’s buttons, and in
the course of the worst fights we say incredibly crappy things to each other
and questioning the actual relationship. We’re trying to stop doing that, and
when we do we always talk it out, but the fights are damaging.
I find myself worrying that we are together because we are used to being together.
We met when we were seniors in high school, so we’ve been together our entire
adult lives and neither of us has ever had any other significant relationships.
I find the idea of an existence without him profoundly scary, but on the other
hand, everything we have ever accomplished in life (putting ourselves through
college, finding real jobs, having a generally improving standard of living),
we accomplished with absolutely no help from anyone else. There is no way either
of us could have made it alone, so of course not being together is going to sound
horrible and scary.
I don’t doubt that I love him now; I guess I just doubt that things could really
be this easy — the first guy you ever seriously date is the guy you end up with
for the rest of your life. I mean, who really ends up with their high school
sweetheart these days? I have nothing to compare this relationship to, no
points of reference, no way of knowing if this is for real. And now that we’re
getting to the point where we’re talking about kids and marriage (which in many
ways sounds wonderful), I feel like I shouldn’t have any doubts at all, and if
I do it is a sign of a bigger problem. Maybe we should “take a break” to test
the strength of the relationship? Or maybe doubts are normal and I just have
some insane impulse to see what else is out there? I could just split, but
why on earth would I walk away from a guy I know I love? Am I just nuts?
Confused
Dear Confused,
Your problem is in this sentence: “I mean, who really ends up with their high school
sweetheart these days?” Well…you did. No, it doesn’t happen that often, but it happened to you, and generally speaking, “seeing what’s out there” is in the service of no longer having to be out there, if you see what I mean. In other words, splitting from Will for a while isn’t necessarily a bad idea, but if you expect not to have the same doubts about marriage and children on your own or with another guy, well, think again.
Everyone in a committed relationship gets on each other’s last nerve from time to time; everyone gets brought up short by the idea of joining with another person for life. Again, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t break up with Will, but feeling like maybe you “should have” dated a bunch of people before you get married isn’t a good reason — it’s a signifier for something else. Identify that something else.
Sars,
About three months ago, I was verbally invited to a Caribbean wedding. I was then reminded of the invitation a couple of weeks later by the same friend. I then received a wedding invitation by email two months ago. This is a wedding for a friend that is not really very close. The wedding is in the Caribbean.
The guy probably does not have many other friends going to the wedding, primarily family I would think. I suspect a bit of the reason he is inviting me is that he would like to get as many people (bodies) down there as possible.
I have no interest in dropping the cash to go to the Caribbean, but would probably go if it were to be held in the city where we both live. I could afford it, but don’t really want to. Having been fairly noncommittal, I think he gets the point that I don’t want to go.
Anyway, the date on the invitation is in about a week, so what I want to know is, can I just email back and say no thanks, or do I have to call him?
Thanks,
Mr. NetManners
Dear Manners,
I think you can get away with emailing — as long as you didn’t receive a printed invitation with a response card, in which case you should return the card with your regrets.
On the other hand, it’s clearly a person you talk to regularly, so a phone call is probably in order. Tell him you’d love to celebrate his wedding with him, and you wish him and his bride the best, but you can’t make it. No need to offer an excuse or an explanation; just decline politely and sincerely.
Hey!
Well, I have a problem with a friend of mine. She is very pretty, one of the most popular girls at school, and for the most part a good friend to me — all these traits (possibly in that order) mean she has many friends, and tends to spend a little time with each of us. We share the same sense of humour and are renowned drinking buddies, which is always fun.
However, she tends to blow a little hot and cold. When she chooses, she is like a best friend; she encourages me to confide in her, we laugh and generally get on very well. But when, for a reason that is elusive to me, she decided she doesn’t want to, she won’t talk to me and treats me like I don’t exist. She has had a lot of trouble with one particular lad she likes, and has cried on my shoulder an awful lot, and generally I feel like she thinks I am someone who can always be depended on and not someone who is going to abandon her, and so she treats me however she likes because she knows I won’t bitch about her behind her back or treat her badly (as many other people do, which she always complains about).
Recently (and the catalyst for me writing to you), there was quite a big family issue coupled with a pregnancy scare of one of my other best friends, and I was quite upset. The one time I need HER to be there for ME, she dismissed it as “a bad mood” and wandered off. I try to understand that she has a lot of demands on her time from many people, and she doesn’t need added pressure or hassle from me, as that isn’t what a friend does, and maybe she didn’t realise how upset I was. However, I have the nagging fear that I’m the only one giving in the friendship.
Basically my problem here is, what do I do? Do I distance myself from one of my best friends, which would be very hard to do, or do I continue this way, knowing that deep down she does appreciate me? It would just be nice to be shown that appreciation once in a while.
Help please!
Confused, England
Dear Merry Old,
Apparently, the concept of speaking to her frankly about your issues with her hasn’t occurred to you. You’d rather just assume, it seems — that she cares about you as a friend or she doesn’t, that she’s moody or busy or not terribly observant.
You’ve probably avoided doing it because you don’t want to find out that she’s not prepared to make the effort for you, but you need to talk to her about her behavior. You need to tell her that you’ve given her plenty of slack, but she’s not cutting it as a supportive friend, and you want to lean on her now and then instead of always having her lean on you, because handling added pressure and hassle is exactly what friends do. Friends make time. Friends come through. Nobody sits around eagerly looking forward to the sobbing drunken phone call at two in the morning, but when it comes in, friends pick it up, because friends hate that you feel sad, and if you need to believe that that girl is really his cousin, friends get behind you on that.
Ask for what you need from her as a friend. Either she can give it to you or she can’t, but you won’t know until you ask her in so many words to try.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships grammar the fam
