The Vine: February 28, 2001
Dear Sars,
I’ve been going through this in my head for days now, and would love a third party opinion. The story: I have been engaged for almost a year, with the wedding date set for June (4 months away). My fiance and I have been dating for 6 years, and have been living together for the past 2 years. Wedding plans are set: dresses have been bought, hall is booked, various vendors have been contracted.
Last month, I went away on business for 4 weeks, coming home only on the weekends. When I returned from the final day at the client’s site, my fiancé told me he wanted to cancel the wedding because he doesn’t know if he’s ready or if he’s “in” love, as opposed to your every day garden variety of love. I’m thinking, major cold feet, this is totally normal, and will pass if we can talk through it.
Now it’s been two weeks; he says he can’t make up his mind, goes back and forth and can’t figure out the right thing to do. I’ve tried to explain my opinion — that in complicated matters like this, there is rarely a “right” thing — you make a choice, and you resolve to take responsibility for it and live with the outcome. I love him immensely, and can’t believe this is happening, as we’ve been really happy. He’s trying to give me some kind of final answer, but now I’m terrified that we won’t be able to recover, even if his answer is that yes, he wants to go ahead with the wedding. My stomach is in a constant twist and my stress level is through the roof. I don’t want to give him some kind of ultimatum (decide by x date…), but I don’t know how long I can live with this, or if I even have a choice. What do you think?
Helpless With the Possibility of Heartbreak
Dear Helpless,
Ouch.
I know you don’t want to give him an ultimatum, and I think I know why: you believe that, if you lay down the law, he’ll choose giving up over sticking with you. And that could happen, but you need to do it anyway.
Sit him down and tell him everything you just told me about how he’s making you feel. Tell him that, while you don’t want to pressure him unduly, the situation isn’t fair on you. Explain that, if he doesn’t want to go through with it, you have to cancel all the plans and try to get things refunded as well as sorting out the emotional after-effects. Give him one more week to sort his shit out, and during that week, try to see him as little as possible, because you have decisions of your own to make — do you really want to marry a man who “doesn’t know” if he loves you? And if he decides what the hell, let’s go ahead with it, do you really want to marry a man who, faced with a choice like this, shrugs all “well, I guess it won’t be so bad” instead of enthusiastically choosing you without hesitation?
But you don’t have to wait for him to act and then react to him; you can act on your own. And if I were you, I’d act, now, by canceling the wedding, moving out, and putting the entire relationship on hold for six months. Why? Well, first of all, you go out of town on business and then he decides he’s not sure he’s “in love with” you anymore. So…what happened when you weren’t around? I don’t want to cast undue aspersions on your honey, but I don’t think that’s a coincidence. And second of all, when he tells you that he “doesn’t know” if he’s in love with you anymore…he knows. And he isn’t. He just doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Love isn’t a pros-and-cons list; if you’re in love, you know. Take it from a girl who ignored the twenty-story billboard on which that sign appeared once too often.
I’m sorry to paint such a bleak picture, and I’m sorry this is happening to you. That said…you aren’t going to get the answer you want, and that sucks, but it will suck a hundred times more if you wait around. Cut your losses and get out.
Tags: boys (and girls)
