The Vine: February 28, 2002
Hey Sars,
Just wanted to mention something that Trying To Deal might find helpful. Nearly every veterinary college has a Pet Loss Support Hotline these days. The people answering the telephone will understand how she feels, not judge her, and talk about it with her as much as she wishes.
If she does not have a veterinary college nearby, she can at least visit the Pet Loss Support website at Michigan State University.
A Caring Veterinarian
Ms. B:
I have a question on which I’d like to get your take. I have a co-worker who, despite being a basically good soul and eager to please, is one of the whiniest folk to walk the earth. Every weather condition is a source of misery — too hot, too cold, too windy. Every task is the vilest inconvenience or more arduous than a human can be expected to accomplish in ten lifetimes. There is poverty the likes of which would make Mother Teresa buckle, romantic travails to rival any tabloid story, and physical ailments that would decimate whole populations. Naturally, any minor kvetch shared in the presence of this person is instantly outdone — “If you think that’s bad, listen to me!”
Okay, I’ve read Deborah Tannen, and I know that all of this is an attempt to forge connection. I also know it comes from deep insecurity (see also above eager-to-please-ness). My question is not about Whine-ita, or securing any kind of change in her. Rather, how do I cope? How would you? Ignoring the whinefests (my first choice) only increases their number, frequency, and intensity. Avoidance is only occasionally possible, given our work proximity. A pointed but cheerful “Get over yourself, really. No. Really.” glances off unnoticed. And worst of all, pretending to be sympathetic just chafes my misanthropic butt. Let’s face it, we’s all gots troubles. Can’t we all just shut up about them?
Thanks for your time,
Prefers Cheese Sans Whine
Dear Prefers,
You’ve tried nicely to shut her up in a variety of different ways, without success. Now you have to decide which matters more to you, the “nicely” part or the “shut her up” part.
Because you can shut her up. You can tell her that it’s impossible for you to sympathize with her because she complains so much about so many things, and you don’t feel like it matters whether you listen or not, so you’d like her to stop, because it’s gotten irritating. You don’t have to say it nastily; just remind her that it’s a workplace, and you’ve come there to work, not to listen to her crabbing. I can’t say whether that’s an option for you — if you have to work closely with Whine-ita on projects, maybe it’s not — but if it’s not important to your job that Whine-ita like you, just ask her straight out to put a sock in it.
But if you’d rather keep the peace, learn to automate your responses. Modulate your uh-huhs and oh-dear-that’s-awfuls and wow-that-suckses to sound like you care, and tune her out. If you don’t have any actual work to do, busy yourself with something — making a shopping list, doing the crossword — so that you can avoid eye contact.
Whichever strategy you decide on, if she’s interfering with your work, put a stop to it, either by cutting her off yourself — “I really need to finish this; we’ll have to talk later” — or by speaking with your boss and asking to move cubicles. If she’s a genuine distraction, you can and should put a cork in her, by whatever means necessary.
Hey Sarah,
I don’t really know where to start, but I hope you can help me with this. Almost a year ago, a female friend introduced me to a girl I was attracted to and seemed to click with right away. Around the time I met this girl, she had just ended a fairly serious relationship, so I knew it wasn’t the right time to pursue something with her. We became friends and spent a lot of time together; she was extremely open and flirty with me and seemed interested in my thoughts and opinions. From all this I guess I gathered that she might have been interested in pursuing something more than a friendship.
After a host of dramas that resulted in me losing the mutual friends we had and straining our own friendship somewhat, I finally revealed my feelings to her. She seemed extremely surprised that I felt this way, which was a shock to me. I thought my genuinely inept and awkward behaviour around her would have tipped her off, but apparently this wasn’t the case. After some discussion, she told me that she had started to see somebody that she was extremely interested in and couldn’t see herself wanting to be with anybody else anytime in the future, but that she still regarded me as a friend.
She never said anything about her feelings for me, and I still don’t know whether this was because she didn’t want to hurt me, or if it would have made things too complicated with her present situation. I left things for a while because I thought this was the right thing to do, but after contacting her for the first time since I revealed my feelings, she said she didn’t see any point in us seeing each other again as it wasn’t going to change anything, a turnaround from when she had previously stated that she wanted to remain friends.
I don’t want to change anything; I want her to be happy. She doesn’t seem to understand that I’m not angry or looking to steal her away. Has too much happened for me to repair my friendship with this girl? I still have feelings for her and I want to do the right thing, but I don’t want to never see her again.
Confused
Dear Confused,
She doesn’t want a relationship with you, of any kind. She doesn’t want to date you; she doesn’t want to stay friends. She’s not interested in having you in her life, period.
It hurts, a lot, and it’s not your fault, and I don’t know what’s going on with her — whether she’s afraid of feelings she might have for you or she’s just immature or what — but it doesn’t really matter. She doesn’t want to see you. Accept that. Start getting on with your life.
And to tell you the truth, I’d tell you the same thing even if she did want to keep up a friendship with her. You’d just wind up feeling worse about it if you kept hanging around her, knowing that you went out on a limb and having to pretend that it didn’t give way and dump you on the ground…and I don’t know the story behind the whole “losing the mutual friends” thing, but you’ve gotten waaaaay too involved in the situation. A year has gone by. You need to move on.
Wish her the best and consider it over. Because, believe me, it’s over.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats etiquette workplace
