The Vine: February 28, 2003
Dear Sars,
I have noticed how much you despise the word “irregardless,” and I also
have a word pet peeve. I have a severe dislike — no, hate for the words
“flammable” and “inflammable.” I mean, what’s the frickin’ point? Why
doesn’t one of them mean something different? Why does the word
“inflammable” even exist? My friends and I have an unreasonable
hatred of these words, and were wondering if anybody shared this, or
are we all alone?
Signed,
Stupid-Ass Repetitiveness Sucks
Dear Redundant,
Oh, I kind of dig the weird little fillips of English that let “ravel” and “unravel” mean the same thing. It’s when people use the words incorrectly that my teeth start grinding.
Dear Sars,
Roughly five months ago, I ended a two-year relationship with my ex, Jake.
Things were terrible between us for a while — lots of name-calling and
yelling, but we eventually both calmed down. We agreed to try the friend
thing. Since we’ve started being civil again, though, he’s started
professing his love for me. Blah blah blah I still love you! Blah blah blah
we can make it work! Blah blah blah but things are going so WELL now!
This? Not so much a problem. I can handle his guilt trips and cries for
affection and pouting. I care about him, but I don’t love him anymore. I
most definitely don’t want to be in a relationship with him. He knows I’ve
moved on and started dating again; he knows he doesn’t really have a chance. In
addition, he now lives in Big Eastern City, and I’m in Nowheresville,
The Midwest — I don’t have to deal with him coming over and trying to win me
back or whatever.
The problem? About a month ago, one of Jake’s best friends (of eighteen-plus
years), Andrew, moved in about a block away from me. We’d met each other
maybe three times before, as Andrew lived two hours away in Big Midwestern
City. Now, though, Andrew and I have been hanging out ALL the time. There
have been maybe two days in the past two weeks wherein we haven’t spent at
least an hour just TALKING.
Aaaand…you guessed it…I have a crush on Andrew. Huge-time. Like, I
haven’t had a crush like this since high school. Like, I always find excuses
to go over to his house (“Oh, hey, A! Just walkin’ the dog…sure, I’ll
come in for a while!”). Like, I think about him all the time. Like, I’ve
even started dreaming about him.
There is definite chemistry between us, and we have a lot in common, and we
make each other laugh constantly. BUT…I’m way conflicted over whether
it’s a good idea to even tell him I like him. I mean, I don’t even know if
he likes me “like that,” and that is scary-ass. I’m scared of losing his
friendship by revealing my feelings. Kisses and stuff would be a nice extra
here, but he’s turning into one of my best friends. I don’t really want to
risk that.
Also, there is the fact that Andrew and Jake are tight. I’m 99-percent sure Jake
has told Andrew he’s still in love with me. Friends don’t date friends’
exes…especially when they are still in love with said ex.
Should I give up on being anything more than friends with Andrew? Should I
offhandedly tell him I like him hardcore? Should I sit him down for a real
talk about it? Should I break out the “I don’t love Jake” card? Should I
tell Jake I’m crushing on Andrew? I don’t know how much to weigh Jake in the
equation, if at all.
Help?
Crushes Suck
Dear Crushy,
Before we get into the Andrew thing, let’s look at the Jake thing. You say that he “knows” he doesn’t have a chance and you don’t love him anymore — now, are we talking about the “you sense that he gets it” kind of “knows,” or the “I told him in so many words that I do not love him anymore and that he has no shot” kind of knows? Because if it’s the former (and I suspect that it is, or he wouldn’t keep coming back for more punishment), it’s time to bust out the latter, even if it seems unnecessarily cruel. Put paid to it, now, and don’t talk to him for a while. The guy needs to move on.
As far as Andrew goes…if you’ve got the Jake issue settled, and if you go into it realizing that he may well view you as off-limits because of Jake, I vote you ask him out on a date. The worst thing that happens is that he tells you he’s not into it for whatever reason — he’s seeing someone else, he’s not willing to get in Jake’s kitchen that way — but at least you’ll know.
Dear Sars —
This question’s a bit tricky to define. It’s sort of about business etiquette; it’s sort of about emotional turmoil. My best friend (no, really, not me — my best friend) is having trouble with her boss, and since my typical response to strife in the workplace is to either move to another state or enroll in a full-time degree program, I feel inadequate to advise her.
I’ll explain as simply as I can. My friend is a very talented pastry chef. She took up this, her dream career, after putting her (now ex-) husband through law school. As she was finishing her culinary degree, said (ex-) husband said, essentially, “Give up your career to have my babies, now, or else.” She chose else, and she left the state, moving to a famous resort community that shall remain nameless, where the demand for her talents was relatively high and where several members of her family live.
Now, said ex-husband is also a selfish so-and-so, and despite the fact that he would never have finished his BA, much less his JD, without her working several jobs, the sum total of the support she is now receiving from him is — wait for it — her car payment. He earns over $100,000 per year at a law firm in a city lousy with law firms; she, the top pastry chef in her very high-end resort town, was earning about $8/hour. But she wanted to make it on her own, and I respect that decision. The problem is, she couldn’t.
After about a year of being unable to make ends meet, she returned full-time to her former profession (in, appropriately enough, the legal field). Unfortunately, she and her boss have some personality conflicts; knowing her and knowing how much crap she’s put up with in past jobs (not to mention with past husbands), I believe her when she describes an office like a scene out of Brazil.
Still, she’s been trudging on, as she always has when surrounded by vicious lunatics, and she still works in a sort of freelance arrangement for her restaurant, making wedding cakes and other special-occasion items. This she regarded as “keeping her hand in,” maintaining her reputation, and it worked. She’s recently received an offer for a full-time job at a living wage as the head pastry chef for a soon-to-be-built four-star resort.
In August.
Suddenly, the brightness of her future has made the present seem unbearably bleak. Today, she wrote me a tearful email, not to ask me whether or not she should quit, but whether or not she should ask her boss to phase her slowly out of the job between now and August, primarily to make it easier on him, but also because she believes both her mental and physical health may not last through the spring and summer.
This, my best friend, my pillar of strength, the kind of person I want to be if I ever manage to grow up, is falling to pieces, and I’m at a complete loss as to how to advise her. If I were in her place, my instinct would be to change my phone number and hide under my bed until they stopped looking for me. As her friend, I want go to her office myself and verbally beat the crap out of anyone who so much as looks at this remarkable person sideways and protect her as if she were my very own cub. But she’s not, and I’m not so estranged from the rules of sense and society to think of any of that as acceptable behavior. I’ve already told her to call me as soon as she can so we can talk this out (as girls so often do), but I have no idea what my end of the conversation should be, other than, “Oh. Oh! Oh, dude. Oh! Dude.”
My questions, I guess, are these. First, is it proper business etiquette to quit without a face-to-face meeting, and in this half-assed manner to boot? I’ve heard of phasing out of a job when you’re retiring, or about to go on maternity leave, and so forth, but phasing out on the grounds of “I can’t stand the goddamn sight of you anymore”? I’m afraid that she will only make things worse for herself if she gives them more than, say, one month’s notice (that either the situation will become even more horrific or that she will be fired on the spot), but on the other hand I saw her over the holidays, and I’m afraid that she is finally, dramatically going to crack.
So, Sars, oh wise one, what’s a poor working girl to do? ‘Cause I sure as heck don’t know what to tell her.
Signed,
Buddy in a Brown Study
Dear Brown,
I think you’ve left something out here, because I don’t understand the “without a face-to-face meeting” part — where does that come in? Okay, she’s miserable in the job, and I would advise her to find something else to do to make ends meet until August, but if she’s planning to phase out gradually, or cut her hours, I don’t understand how she’d do that over the phone, exactly. I mean, she’ll still work there; she’ll still see her boss, so it’s not really an effective avoidance maneuver.
So, I don’t know if I understand exactly what the question is here, but whatever the case, I think she should quit now, in person, serve out the two weeks, and pick up a cocktailing shift for the next six months or whatever. Don’t phone it in, but don’t let it drag on for two months either; if she wants out, she should get out.
Sars:
I am at a loss for what to do, and I need your help. I am very worried about a dear friend of mind. “Phil” and I dated about a year ago for about four months. We were best friends first and tried to be best friends after, but it is hard. We have kept in touch, though, and we care about each other. The breakup was hard, because even though the relationship was great and there was a mutual admiration and love, something wasn’t right and we knew it wouldn’t last. I have since moved to California, and he is still in Utah.
Some friends of mine came down and visited me this last weekend and told me that he is very different person. When I lived there, Phil was an energetic, truly happy, friendly, extroverted person. Now he is quiet, introverted, and depressed. I worry because I have been diagnosed with depression and dealt with it in the past and know how hard it can be.
So this is my question. Should I write him and tell him how worried I am about him? Should I bite my tongue and let him struggle through this himself? Would it be intruding on his privacy, since in his emails to me he has said nothing about sadness or that he was having a hard time? I have been thinking of everything to calling him, to writing him a letter, to just a simple email, but nothing seems to be the solution. He had been dating this girl “Suzanna” for the last five months or so, and they broke up and got back together seven times. Supposedly they are off for good, but from what I hear, he has lost all the things that made him such a great person to be around. My heart hurts to think that the Phil that I knew isn’t there anymore.
What should I do?
Concerned Caring Friend
Dear Concerned,
If he hasn’t expressed to you that he’s unhappy, I don’t think you need to ride in with the cavalry just yet. Call him and email him if you like, but do it to stay in touch, to let him know by showing him that he’s important to you and that he can talk to you if needs to.
It’s good of you to worry about him, but on the other hand, all you have to go on is a secondhand report of his emotional state. If Phil’s going through something, okay, but it’s his to go through. If he knows he can turn to you, you’ve done your job as a friend.
A little background. I have had my cat Cringer (as in He-Man’s Battle Cat)
for three years. She is a beautiful, independent goddess, who loves paper
sacks and dreaming about having opposable thumbs. We’ve gone through
several moves, roommates, and relationships together. Two weeks ago I
brought home Viggo (as in that guy from Lord of the Rings). He is ten weeks
old and loves sleeping (on the inside cover of my books, or behind my
knees) and tormenting my tennis shoes. I thought Cringer needed a buddy
and I wanted to give another cat a home, because I am able to. After a
couple of days of hissing and growling, things have settled down quite
nicely. There are just a couple of minor issues that I would like your
opinion on:
First, their food situation. Viggo likes eating Cringer’s food and not his.
As a kitten, Viggo shouldn’t be eating Cringer’s cat food. I thought I had
fixed this problem by putting her food on a table in the kitchen (not the
one I eat at). It worked for awhile (besides the fact that Cringer was
pissed off because her food was moved), but now Viggo can get up on the
table. Any idea of how to fix this? I’ve tried squirting him with water
when he eats her food, and then moving him to his food bowl, but that
doesn’t work.
The second question is about litterboxes. The good news is that they are
anal about their anal hygiene (heh). And no matter how ticked off Cringer
gets, she would never think about pooing are peeing anywhere but her box.
Same goes for the little guy (except one very minor accident so far). I
have two boxes for them. One regular cat-sized box, and one that’s
smaller. The thing is they both use the big kids’ box. My space is a
little limited (as far as good places to put little boxes), so I’m
wondering if I can get away with using just one box and just be really
diligent about keeping it clean.
Thanks!
Cat Lady In Training
Dear Lady,
If I recall correctly, the cat/kitten food problem has two possible solutions. The first one — feeding one of them in a separate room, like the bathroom — is effective, but a pain in the ass, especially if you like to leave kibble out for the cats to snack on when they like. So I’d go with the second option, which is to mix the cat and kitten food together fifty-fifty and let them both eat it. It won’t hurt Cringer to eat kitten food, certainly, and Viggo will get the nutrition he needs, but if you don’t think that’s enough, ask your vet about a vitamin supplement like Nutri-Cal.
I think you can ditch the smaller box, too. Both my fifteen-pounders use one big covered box, which I change every four or five days and scoop in between times, and it’s fine — I tried two at first also, but both cats preferred the one box, so finally I figured, fuck it, we’ll just have one. The one thing I might advise if you go to one box is to switch them to a sniffier brand of food like Science Diet that will reduce the size and stench of their poo, but honestly, the real battle when it comes to a stinky cat box is the pee, and even that is manageable with a two-cats-one-box arrangement.
Tags: boys (and girls) cats friendships grammar workplace
