The Vine: February 28, 2006
Sars,
It sucks that my first question is about boys instead of shoes. I’d prefer
to talk about kitten heels, but whatever.
So. I found The Boy. Yeah, I know, but it’s true. I didn’t think there
was a The Boy, especially for me, but I’m glad I was wrong. Of course,
there are problems. Namely, my family. They were reasonably okay about the
permanently unattached one starting to check out china patters. They
had…adjusted to seeing me coupled with someone they didn’t quite
understand. They had even started to warm to Boy. A little. Then came the
shit-storm.
I’m a little…different. I like things that most folks find icky at best,
disturbing at worst. Legal, arguably ethical things, but questionable to
the general populace. I’ve kept it all from my family and most friends,
because my sex life is my business, not theirs. Then it turns out that Boy
likes them, too. Yay! Now we can go about our merry way, doing icky
things, together and apart. Happiness ensues. Until the family finds out.
My dad was futzing about on my computer and stumbled on something he
shouldn’t have. Dear god, he really shouldn’t have. So, now I have the
“you’re both sick and he’s a sick fuck for ‘dragging’ you into this” on top
of the “He’s not Jewish? Or a doctor? And he’s black!?” Big fun, lemme
tell ya.
Now comes the question part. At what point do I quit playing this game? I
moved in with my grandmother — she can’t care for herself — but am planning on
moving to a new place, with Boy, in June. Now, I’m thinking I’m just going
to cut my losses and leave as soon as I find someone else to care for her.
But this horrible game of accusations and explanations and recriminations is
just…too much. I’d say “fuck it all,” except that my family is so small
and insular and this thing has them literally divided. Boy says it doesn’t
matter, that that’s what the marriage thing is supposed to do, give me
another family. Which is nice, but I don’t really feel like taking him to
lunch on Mother’s Day, you know?
When is enough, enough? I’m sick of it,
but I feel responsible for the fall-out because, even if none of this should
be discussed at all (it’s my own damned business who I sleep with and how,
folks), I know it’s not just going to go away on its own. And I want my
papa at my wedding. Without having to tranq him.
Man, that’s convoluted. Sorry. If you can sort out what I was asking
there, please give me some help. I’m functioning somewhere between guilt
and righteous anger at this point. I’d like to at least move on enough to
stop driving the cat, and Boy, insane with all the pacing and random crying.
Thanks,
I was the good one, dammit!
Dear Good,
“I’m sorry you saw what you saw; I’m sorry you can’t un-know what you now know. I didn’t mean to make you upset. But, at the end of the day, my personal life and my sex life are my business; you weren’t supposed to see those things, and you can choose to get past them or not as you see fit, but we are through discussing them. I’m with Boy; this is what is.” End of discussion.
This is the shitty part of being an adult, I think — that you’re going to do things your parents don’t like, but more specifically, that you’re all going to have to find a way to live with those things and not come to a resolution on it. Your parents are going to have to live with the fact that you are sexually “unconventional”; you are going to have to live with the fact that they don’t approve of that. It isn’t going to get “fixed.” Nobody’s going to change his or her mind. It’s a difference of opinion about a matter that never should have been brought up; it is what it is.
You can find a gentle way to say this stuff, of course, and yes, I think moving out from your grandmother’s is the best idea — and giving everyone else a little space, too, while you’re up. But don’t make the mistake of negotiating your personal life with people who aren’t voting partners. Fighting about it is going to do exactly nothing for anyone, so: stop. End the conversation.
Hi Sars,
You’ve helped me in the past with some good advice, and I’m hoping you can help me again.
My husband and I moved into the house he grew up in about a year ago, as his mother lived about 45 minutes outside our city with her second husband. Everything was great -– we have a huge house all to ourselves in a great location for minimal rent. His mother is currently in the middle of divorce proceedings with her husband, and decided to move back into the city. We offered to move out –- it is her house, after all -– but she wouldn’t hear of it and made arrangements to “house-sit” for a nice couple over the winter, after which she would buy a townhouse and stay there until we were able to afford our own place. The place that she house-sits is only a five-minute walk away from us.
Now, this could be a good situation –- we’re expecting our first child in a month, and it would be nice to know that we have some support close at hand. However, I find that although most times she will call and tell us she’s coming over for her mail (she has it delivered to our place), when she comes over, she just walks in right after she knocks. Why bother knocking? If we don’t call out “hi” to her (like if we’re downstairs and can’t hear that someone has come in) she’ll stand there and holler “Hello! Hello! Hello!” until we race up the stairs to shut her up. There also have been a couple of times where she was in the house when we weren’t home, once again to get her mail.
Maybe this is a non-issue, or it should be, but it bothers me. There are other issues I have with her, since she seems to be going off the deep end since her husband left her, but generally she is a lovely woman and I’m deeply grateful that I got lucky in the In-Law department. My husband doesn’t see it as a big deal, but what if we’re walking around naked or having sex on the couch or something when she decides to pop over? I just don’t like being taken by surprise like that, and I know it’s technically her house, but I see it becoming a bigger deal after our baby is born and I’m home full-time.
Sorry for the long letter. Go ahead and lay it on me, Sars. Is it just pregnancy hormones, or do I have a genuine beef here?
Eight months pregnant and trying SO hard not to be a bitch…
Dear Wanting Privacy Is Not Bitchy; Don’t Let Society Convince You It Is,
It’s her house, but it’s…your home. You have the right to ask for common courtesy in your home, so, ask for it. I would tell you to ask your husband to do it, but he doesn’t seem to care, so, since it’s your issue, it’s your responsibility. “Mom, we love living here and we’re really grateful to you for letting us do it — but I’d prefer it if you knocked and waited for a response when you come over, and if you didn’t drop by when we aren’t home. It makes me uncomfortable.”
If she tries the old “but we’re family” or “no need to feel uncomfortable,” just repeat that it makes you uncomfortable — it’s not her, it’s anyone just sort of walking in when you’re not expecting guests. You’re not really required to explain this further.
That doesn’t mean she’s going to get it, though, so, after the baby comes and things settle down a bit, move out. The problem here isn’t that you’re wrong; it’s that it is in fact her house, and you can make your case whichever reasonable way, but she doesn’t “have to” respect your feelings, because it’s her property. So, unless you want it to get really unpleasant by insisting, or by changing the locks? Find an apartment and move into it. Some pennies aren’t worth pinching.
Wise Sars,
Love the site! I have a grammar query for you: I’m an English
undergrad student at a Canadian university, and I’m not sure whether
to apply Canadian spelling when quoting American authors. For
example, this is the original quotation: “In brief, ‘behavior’ isn’t
something that you need but observe.” Obviously, in my own prose I
would use the British/Canadian spelling for “behaviour” but when
quoting the author should I leave it as is, or switch the spelling so
everything is consistent?
Also, can you recommend a Garner equivalent for your Canuck readers?
I’m looking to invest in a nice comprehensive style guide but Canadian
usage rules can be a wonky mix of American and British English.
Signed,
Sars puts the “u” in “humour”
Dear Which One?,
Leave the spelling as is. I guess you could throw a “[sic]” in there to indicate that that’s the spelling in the original, but it’s not a mis-spelling; it’s a regionalism, which I’m assuming most Canadians are savvy enough to know means the authors are American. Don’t make more work for yourself.
My Canadian usage spies tell me that the Garner equivalent is…the Garner. I’d say 90 percent of the entries would apply to CanE and AmE equally; if there’s a differentiation in a given entry between AmE and BrE, it’s dealer’s choice and you can pick whichever usage you think would apply to CanE (I think sometimes it leans more towards Crown English than AmE does).
Hey Sars,
How supportive do you need to be to a friend during the breakup process? Especially when you didn’t really like her boyfriend in the first place, she fucked it up and you think it’s kind of a good thing that they are broken up?
Back story: friend has been dating said boy for almost a year, not quite. He, in my opinion, and often hers, is/was an asshat. I do not live in the same city as these people and when I would speak on the phone with my friend it would be 20 minutes of his asshat-ery and then maybe five minutes of, “So how’s life going for you?” Probably for the last four months of this “relationship” she kept telling me that she thought she needed to break up with him -– and I encouraged her to do so. My reasoning was that every time I talked to her she was complaining about something else and that it just didn’t seem like a healthy relationship to me.
Fast forward to the day before Thanksgiving –- I call my friend to double-check that we’ll be hanging out when I go home to visit my parents. She’s all crying and sad because her boyfriend broke up with HER because he found out that she slept with someone else four months ago (which of course she never told me about). Two of our other friends knew about the cheating because they were there when it happened but kept it quiet for months until one of them got really drunk and told a friend of her boyfriend’s about the incident. Therefore not only was my friend all upset about getting dumped, but she also wanted to fight the girl who ratted her out and wouldn’t stop talking about what a bitch that girl was. The other friend who knew about it had been acting all distant to this friend and when I found out about the cheating it all made perfect sense.
And the whole time I’m thinking to myself, I don’t want to deal with this shit, which then in turn makes me feel like a bad friend. It just seems like this whole situation is a lot of drama that my friend brought on herself. While I was in town I talked to her and tried to make her see that it is a good thing they are broken up and that she can find someone who really appreciates her. I don’t think it’s what she wants to hear and it makes me feel like I’m wasting my breath because I don’t think she’s really listening to me. She’s still holding out hope that they’ll get back together and keeps saying they broke up right when it started going good. I guess I just don’t think it should take a year into the relationship for “things to start going good.”
I haven’t really talked to this friend much since Thanksgiving, which I guess I think is a good thing. She’s a friend I’ve had since high school and we’re both in our mid-twenties now and I just think we’ve reached the expiration date on our friendship.
So am I a bad friend for not really giving a flying fuck about this whole situation? Or is it because our friendship has reached its end that I don’t want to deal? Really, is it wise to support people in their fucked-up decisions? Or is best to be supportive and let them sort it all out themselves?
Sincerely,
You would think we’re in high school but we’re nearing 25
Dear Near,
Well…yeah, you kind of are? I guess? But if you think the friendship has sort of reached the end of the line, the rest of your questions are moot, I’d say. It sounds to me like this whole melodrama has pointed up certain aspects of your friend that you don’t like that much — that she’s immature, kind of passive, doesn’t take responsibility for her fuck-ups, doesn’t hear herself — and it’s not just the situation you don’t want to deal with. It’s the fact that said situation could have been avoided about four different ways in the first place.
If you still like this person, aside from this mishegoss, and you want to keep hanging out with her, well, that’s different. Friendship has certain obligations attaching to it, and if you want to remain friends with her, I think you do have to listen and be supportive — up to a point. In this case, you can be sympathetic to her feelings but still point out to her that, you know, she was miserable, so miserable that she cheated on the guy, and you frankly don’t think she should be quite so upset or finger-pointy about a result she clearly unconsciously wanted. You know? It’s possible to feel compassion for people who have done boneheaded shit without endorsing said shit.
But don’t get ahead of yourself — first, decide if this is a friendship you value. If it is, accept that this situation is annoying and try to minimize your dealings with it — but if it isn’t, well, there you go.
Heya Sars,
I have found myself in the middle of something that’s none of my business:
my friends’ marriage. I have known Kate and Maurice for several years now,
and have gotten to know them both pretty well, with a slightly stronger
friendship with Kate. Unfortunately, they’ve recently gone through some
tough times that have been really hard on their relationship. Kate moved
out for a little while, then back in. Maurice asked her for a divorce, then
recanted. That sort of thing. During this time, Maurice had an affair with
Sonja. Kate was understandably very hurt, but wanted to stay married and
see if they could fix things. Which is where we are now.
I have been Kate’s nearly only confidante through recent months. She needs
someone to vent to, who will be discreet yet supportive. So far, so good.
Unfortunately, Maurice has now confided in me further as well. As of
yesterday, I have discovered that not only has he been lying to Kate about
wanting to stay married, but he is venting to his friends that she is a
harridan who is forcing him into a miserable life, dictating who he talks
to, destroying his happiness, and refusing to grant him a divorce.
Basically, he’s painting himself as the victim. However, he is telling Kate
that he really loves her, and is being more affectionate and thoughtful to
her than he has been in a year.
To add injury to injury, Sonja has been posting photos of herself with
Maurice on her blog, and anonymously harassing Kate via email. From an
outside view, she looks crazy in rejection. But I just discovered that
Maurice never stopped seeing her, so I guess she’s more reveling in her
“victory.” It’s all very high-school.
Here’s my question: what obligation do I have to Kate? I have asked to be
removed from Maurice’s confidence, as I feel this puts me in the middle of
his marriage and threatens my relationship with Kate. But, I can’t un-know
what I know. I have the urge to tell Kate to get the fuck out of that
marriage because he’s continuing to lie to her, but I don’t know that it’s
my responsibility to do so. Whatever I do or don’t do, I run the risk of
losing my friendship with Kate, just by being near the explosion. I am less
concerned about my friendship with Maurice, because we’re not as close, and
frankly I’m not really pleased with the way he’s handling this situation.
Am I a better friend by telling her, or letting her figure it out on her
own?
Thanks much,
Muddle in the Middle
Dear Mud,
You know, I had some advice all ready to go here about protecting yourself from fallout, but you know what? Don’t do anything, and here’s why: Maurice is so full of shit, he’s fixing to pop.
Think about it. He knows Kate is confiding in you; he knows you know about the Sonja situation; okay, nobody knows everything that goes on, but it’s not like you’re the bartender at his favorite dive — you’re familiar with the circumstances, you’re in a position to know what’s going on with Kate. Right? So, if he’s so miserable? If she’s such a shrike that he can’t stand her, and he’s such a bad-ass that he’s basically daring you to rat him out for continuing the affair? Why doesn’t he just leave?
I’m not saying he’s necessarily lying about still seeing Sonja, or being unhappy, or whatever; I’m not saying Kate isn’t policing him, either, because if he’d stepped out on me…well, I’d have dumped him toot sweet, but that’s me. Kate apparently is still having some trust issues; I’m sure she’s more interested in his social plans and whatnot than she might have been before. This isn’t really about whether he’s telling you the truth. It’s that he’s telling you anything at all. He wants it to get back. He wants you to do it for him.
Don’t. At best, he’s a pussy and really self-absorbed, and Kate should give him the gate pronto, and I know that as her friend you don’t want to watch her be made a fool of, but the thing is, she’s been made a fool of. He’s made an asshole out of her by mocking her feelings for him with his behavior. That’s on him, not you, and if he wants out, that’s on him too.
I know you’re already in it to a certain extent, but don’t get any further into the middle than you already are. Avoid Maurice; suggest to Kate that they go to marital counseling, or that she get therapy on her own; try to change the subject when you can. This is an ugly situation, Kate deserves miles better than Maurice, and I hope for all your sakes that she gets tired of being unhappy soon and serves him with papers — or that he grows up and leaves the marriage if he’s so wretched about it. But it’s their marriage, and you’re within your rights to check out of negotiating it. Do so.
Tags: etiquette friendships grammar sex the fam
