The Vine: February 4, 2003
Dear Sars,
I’ve got a problem that needs equal parts etiquette and relationship advice. I
have shared an apartment with my friend S for the past two years. We were both
single women, and aside from the occasional dispute about cleaning, all was
well. It looked even better when, about two months ago, we landed some nifty new
digs with plenty of space.
Enter The Boy.
When Boy arrived, it seemed like a good thing. At least one of us was enjoying
(sometimes with audible enthusiasm) the perks of having an SO. As time passed,
though, a few not entirely unexpected problems surfaced. First, Boy is five
years younger than S, an unemployed student, and living with his parents;
therefore, ALL of their snuggly, smoochy together time happens in my space.
Second, before Boy, we made plans to make the new digs into a pleasant, dare I
say grown-up, place to live; after Boy, she seems to have lost interest in
working on it together, but I don’t want to do it all myself and leave her with
a home that isn’t hers too. And third, while she met Boy in our usual social
circle, he lacks something as company; he is, in fact, a drip. And when the two
of them are together (almost always), most of her effort goes into keeping him
from getting bored, which is a visible drain on a group that, at this point,
doesn’t need any more divisive potential.
I am increasingly stressed and irritable. I’ve lost a friend and gained the
Drip. I resent the fact that when he’s there, I might as well not be, despite
the fact that it’s my home. The fact that she is “mothering” him — cooking,
cleaning, making sure he’s entertained — drives me nuts, both as a roommate and
an intelligent woman. And I worry that she is unwilling to make this “our” place
because she’s planning someday to make it “their” place.
I want to discuss all of this with her, but I don’t want to come off as making
petty demands just because she has a Boy and I don’t. So, how do I judge whether
I am reacting reasonably to an intrusion on my rights as a roommate, and at what
point does my selfish resentment of his presence become a legitimate concern?
And how can I talk to her about this without snapping into über-bitch mode?
Yours truly,
Water Tortured
Dear Water,
First, figure out for yourself what bothers you more — the roommate part of the issue, or the friend part. It’s not easy to separate them, but try. Does it annoy you that he’s always over because he’s in your space, or because he always has her attention? Does it annoy you that she cooks for him because she’s hogging the kitchen, or because she’s cooking for a man?
Second, understand something: the battle between “your place” and “their place” is already over, and “your place” lost. You have the right to ask that he spend time in his own home for a change, certainly, but don’t try to force her to choose between you. She did, months ago.
So, don’t make it about that. As a friend, it burns, but as a roommate — well, you have to address the two sides of the situation separately, if that makes any sense. If you genuinely feel that he spends too much time at your place, say so; point out as mildly as you can manage that he doesn’t pay rent, and you feel intruded upon. Agree on a set number of nights per week that he spends over. Sit down for a conversation about roommate issues, and stick to those issues. If what’s really bothering you is the fact that he’s a time suck and you never get to hang out with her alone, there’s nothing wrong with feeling that way or with discussing it with her, but bring all that up another time.
And when the lease is up, make other living arrangements.
Oh fount of grammatical wisdom:
My problem is with the use of “to.” I just got an email that talked about “how much faster Itanium is to Sun, and other competitors.” Shouldn’t that be “than”? I guess the more general question is: Is there a grammatical reason why “superior to” works and so does “better than,” but “better to” doesn’t?
Then there are the ads for a local windshield repair place that mention the “free dinners to Shari’s” that you get when you have them fix your windshield. Shouldn’t that be “at”? I guess what’s bugging me is that I cringe when I hear these things, but I can’t explain WHY I do, I just know it sounds wrong to me.
Too many “to”s
Dear Too,
Let me see here. “Better to” is clearly wrong in that context; “better” is a comparative, and you need “than,” not “to.” We do see the phrase “better to,” of course, but used like so: “I corrected my mother’s grammar, the better to get my head handed to me.”
I suspect that the grammatical reason, as you put it, is something along the lines of “that’s just the way it’s done,” but I think it’s also because “better” is exclusively abstract, whereas “superior” can be used to denote physical position as well as relative quality. (In fact, the 10C lists “situated higher up” as the first definition.) So, that derivation is probably partly responsible.
It’s less clear whether your second example is incorrect, because it’s my understanding that certain American regionalisms replace “at” with “to” (or “up to,” or “over to”). I’ve heard Texans answer the question “where were you” with “to the store.” Obviously it’s incorrect for formal writing, but it’s accepted colloquial usage in some places.
Sars the Wise:
There’s this guy. (Yeah, like you haven’t heard that one fifteen thousand
times.)
He and I met about a two years ago, at a three-week college program down
near NYC. He was so much fun to be around, to talk with, to take
swing-dancing lessons with (yes, swing dance, which brings me to…), and I
immediately assumed he was gay. Because really, what guy could be this
perfect, attractive, funny, and nice, and still be straight?
I was right. (Maybe I should sell my services as a psychic.)
He and his boyfriend were together throughout the three weeks, and then
bang, the last day of classes, they broke up (loudly and in the middle of
the student center) and he came knocking on my door at four in the morning.
He sat on my desk and cried until six, at which point he, well, jumped my
bones, so to speak.
Well, maybe he wasn’t as gay as I thought. (Guess the psychic idea is out.)
Anyway. I became his shoulder to cry on every time he broke up with someone
(about once every coupla weeks or so). After about the ninth time,
he asked me out, “as a friend,” to a New Year’s party. And, of course, kissed
me at midnight. And jumped my bones again once we got home.
And then went back to dating boys.
Back to the point of this: Is it worth it to continue to be his friend, his
“go-to girl”? I’m sick of having my chain yanked around like this; sometimes
I feel like I’m his pet dog or something, that I’m only supposed to make him
happy. He’s a wonderful person when he wants to be, and I don’t really want
to lose his friendship, but…assholes will be assholes, even if they’re
only part-time assholes.
In conclusion: What do I do, and how the hell do I do it?
Unemployed, Untalented Psychic with Weary Bones
Dear Bones,
I’d start by taking a little responsibility for your own actions here. Unless the guy lied to you, or promised you a relationship, or swore he’d go straight, or blew you off as a friend after you’d slept together, I have a hard time understanding how he’s an asshole. Sure, it hurts your feelings that he treats you like the fallback, but you’ve let him. Repeatedly. Like, nine times. It’s not like he’s getting the message from you that he’s an asshole, now, is it?
It’s not the easiest thing in the world to resist sleeping with a fun, cute boy who’s all over you although you know that it’s Bad Idea Jeans. I get that, I assure you. But past a certain point, you have to acknowledge that you have choices in the matter, and you have to start making better choices, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard.
“Heh. ‘When it’s hard.'” Pipe down, you.
The next time he jumps your weary bones, stop him. Tell him you don’t want to go there anymore; it’s too confusing for you. Don’t put yourself in situations where he’s likely to get amorous. Decide you’ve had enough, and don’t do it anymore.
One more thing: “Because really, what guy could be this
perfect, attractive, funny, and nice, and still be straight?” Lots of them, actually, and that attitude isn’t helping you here, so lose it.
Dear Sars,
I don’t really know how to begin, but as I could really do with some advice,
I’ll just jump right in.
My problem is chronic business. I work two part-time jobs (one in a shop,
the other child-minding), and can’t really quit either of them because the
family could really do with a bit of extra money coming in, and I need to
save up money if I want to go to university next year. I want to go to
Cambridge University more than anything, and so that means my college
workload (I’m in the UK, so “college” means “16- to 18-year-olds”) has pretty
much doubled this year. I’m also the kind of person who tends to get
involved in every project under the sun if they can manage it.
On top of that, other responsibilities have been increasing. Since my mum
died, I’ve always been the inadvertent maternal figure in my house, but this
year my little sister decided to start working in school after years of
slackerdom, and is finding it tough. Dad tries to help her, but he hardly
has a minute to sit down himself. Also, I’ve always been the listener among
my friends, and I feel terrible about not having had the time to help my
friends as much as I want to. It’s weird, missing people who I still see
every day, but it seems like I haven’t had decent quality time with my
friends in ages.
Basically, it’s got to the point where I occasionally forget to eat, and
find myself existing off a combination of four hours sleep and way too much
caffeine. I hate to admit it, since I thrive off being busy (I’m your
archetypal overachiever), but it’s driving me mad. I know I need to
prioritize and then stick to that, but I just can’t see how I’d give up
any of those things.
Stomach Ulcers, Here I Come
Dear Ulcers,
Write up a list of everything you do — every activity from schoolwork to part-time jobs to spending time with friends to household chores. Once you’ve done that, rewrite the list in order of each item’s importance to you. Don’t feel guilty about putting some things ahead of others, or write it how you think you “should”; nobody’s going to see it but you. What’s at the top? What’s at the bottom? When you look at the bottom two or three things on the list, can you live with crossing them off — withdrawing from an activity or two, giving up one of your jobs?
See if you can’t winnow your list a little and free up a few hours here and there for yourself. It’s not just that you feel overextended; it’s that you have to learn now how to say “no” and “I can’t” and “I need help,” and not feel obligated to do quite so much (or so perfectly). You don’t have to quit everything and go on a Zen retreat, but you do have to accept that the day only has so many hours in it.
If you must work yourself to death, try to fit some living in there first.
Dear Sars,
I have a friend (B) whose spouse (J) appears to be
really eating-disordered (like, on the pro-ana spectrum of the world). When I
met them almost two years ago, they were pretty normal. J was relatively
preoccupied with food and working out, but I assumed that was because she
was competitive in athletics as a college student. Since that time, she has
developed a very unnatural grayness to her complexion and has shrunk from
normal to size 0 (I’m serious, this is a real size). So I mentioned my
concern once about six months ago to B. He denied her anorexia by telling me
that J ate food and that anorexics don’t eat food. Additionally, he claimed
that this was his fault, having triggered J by losing a lot of weight
himself (due to his family history of heart attacks).
Having spent some years among dancers and their body-dysmorphic ilk, I know
that you can eat food and still have a problem. But I left it alone. I
figured, “They’re grown ups, they can handle it; it’s not my problem.” Well,
it’s becoming my problem again. B has come to me a few times in the recent
past to tell me that they are having problems. J has hurt herself and can’t
work out “twelve times a week, like I have for the last twelve years.” For the
record, J is 29. I really love both of them and think they’re a great couple
(sans ED). I don’t want to be a busybody, but neither do I want to bear
witness to this disease with a 25-percent mortality rate. I consulted an MD friend
of mine who specializes in psychiatry, and even he said, “The word ‘hopeless’
comes to mind.” Now what?
No-Ana
Dear No,
Quick clarification for the readership — “pro-ana” means pro-anorexia. Yeah, don’t get me started.
As I’ve said before, in my experience, anorexia is not about food. Anorexia is about control. It’s a compulsion born of low self-esteem, and it manifests itself in rigid control — of weight, of food intake. As a result, an attempt to help or intercede, no matter how well-meaning, will often backfire, because it’s perceived as a threat to that control.
But if you really can’t live with not doing or saying anything (and I don’t blame you), just lay it on the line for J. Tell her that she doesn’t look good, that it worries you, that you think she has an eating disorder and you want to recommend that she see a therapist and deal with it before it overtaxes her heart. You don’t judge her, but you’ve seen this before and it’s not going to end well, and you felt you had to say something.
B and J will probably cut you off, but it might knock something loose and get J to realize that she has a problem; she might take the first step towards getting help, even if she resents you and doesn’t talk to you for a while. You have to decide if it’s more important that you stay friends with them and monitor the situation, or that you speak frankly.
Tags: boys (and girls) friendships grammar roommates the fam
