The Vine: February 5, 2002
Dear Sars,
Just taking a brain-break at work to read the Vine. If you still post Vine feedback now and then, I have a thought to share with today’s Procrastinator — this helped me greatly in my approach to getting things done.
My boss occasionally lets slide a real zinger. Here’s one of them: “You make time for what’s important to you.” Didn’t study for your finals? Must not have been important to you. Failed to pay attention to the emotional development of your son/wash the lettuce for tonight’s salad/tell your sister you love her/open a savings account? Well…in the grand scheme of things truly important to you, those must not have made the cut, because if they were, they would be…done.
I’ve tried to counter that bit o’ wisdom every way I could think of, but at the end of the cosmic day I’ve had to agree with it. (Run-of-the-mill forgetfulness exempt, for reality’s sake.) If a to-do is important to me on any level, it tends to get done. Made me evaluate why I DO do just about anything. Since the day the truth of that sentence sunk in, I’ve felt a lot better and end up starting fewer sentences with “I regret that I never…” and “I’m sorry I forgot to…” ’cause I had to think about what was important. Like telling my sister I love her. So I do it. (I also goof off when it’s important, so I don’t get tensed up and tear heads off co-workers.)
Who knows, but as Mr./Miss No Time finds herself back in school…and is “putting off” time with partner and friends…maybe school is deep down the most important thing after all, and some tweaks will be made in the amounts of time spent on other priorities so as to attain the end result of a degree. You were completely right that the best way around is through (the only way to learn to do it is…to do it); I found that while I was just doin’ it, the zinger from the boss made me realize why.
Best,
Jules
Dear Jules,
Well, yes. But it’s not that she’s not doing the things; it’s that she’s putting the things off for ages and ages and then doing them, which isn’t quite the same. Procrastination can come from a lot of places — fear of failure, performance anxiety, the desire to punish people using passive-aggression — but procrastination doesn’t mean things don’t get done at all; it means they get put off. The distinction is key.
In the end, she’ll do the things she needs to do, on time or not, and she’ll pay the price for doing them late, or she won’t. She’s trying to figure out why she can’t just do them when she should instead of living in denial. I don’t think it’s that these things aren’t important to her, but rather that they’re so important that she’s paralyzed.
Dear Sars,
You cut straight to the heart of a lot of emotionally complex problems, so I thought I’d lob you a softball: should I go to a party?
Here’s the skinny: about a year ago I began an affair with a married co-worker. It was strictly a friends-and-more situation; we had a lot in common, terrific chemistry, but neither of us had any thoughts of a serious relationship. He was laid off over the summer, but we kept in touch, and saw each other a few times after he left the job. A couple of months ago (post-9/11) he was laid off his new job, which was just about the time I last spoke with him. Flash-forward: he and I are both friends with a co-worker (well, former in his case, but they were friends before, having worked together previously). Said co-worker today invited me to a party. I’d like to go, but I’m fairly certain that Mr. Affair will be invited (he was invited to the last party Mr. Co-worker gave, as was I, but it happened to fall on the day he lost his job so he was a no-show.) I’m not worried about feeling weird around Mr. Affair on his own (you know, the whole “Hi, how are you?” pretending-nothing-ever-happened bit), but I would definitely feel weird if he brings his wife, as I’ve never even seen her. It would just be…odd. I also don’t know whether or not to discreetly ask anything of Mr. Co-worker. I’ve never said anything, but I have a feeling he has some idea of what was going on, and for all I know Mr. Affair told him everything.
I don’t like the idea of not going to the party just because I would be weirded out by seeing Mr. A with his wife (it would be off, but nothing I couldn’t handle). The main thing is, I don’t want to be surprised. I guess the question I’m really asking is if I should go ahead and ask Mr. C about Mr. A. I don’t particularly want to see Mr. A again, but if I do, I don’t want to have one of those uncomfortable “other woman meets the clueless wife” moments, even though I’m not really the other woman anymore (I never really was, but you know what I mean).
What To Do?
Dear What,
Leave your co-worker out of it. It’s not his problem; really, it’s not even your problem. It’s Mr. A’s problem. If his wife comes with him, you do a fly-by, greet them both, and talk to other people for the rest of the night; it’s just not a big deal.
I mean, unless she hisses, “So you’re the tramp he cheated on me with — DIE, TRAMP! DIIIIIE!” and throws a flute of champagne in your face, and then you slap her, and then she tries to choke you and the two of you fall into the pool and have a giant catfight with your sequined shoulderpads, but that’s probably not going to happen, so either suck it up and go to the party or suck it up and don’t go, but don’t involve anyone else in your decision. You’re a grown-up. Handle it.
Tags: etiquette
