The Vine: February 6, 2001
I disagree — the two expressions are not interchangable. However, I can only opine on the expressions that my group of friends/acquaintances use. Perhaps in some parts of this country, they reference the same underpinnings, but in my humble view on the world, saying “there’s something missing” refers to one of two scenarios.
Scenario #1. The vagueness of the “something” means that this bloke knows that there truly is some aspect to his “dream” girl that she doesn’t have in her. Stereotypically (and don’t slag me for saying it) males tend to not analyse relationships as much or as accurately as females. He could mean “something” because, in fact, there is some (unidentified) thing that is actually missing from what he perceives to be an acceptable relationship. Whether this is her (perceived) devotion to him, her values with respect to something, her financial situation (some guys I know will only date girls who earn $100,000+), her physical features, or the way she reacts to his friends or whatever idiosyncratic “thing” it is that he is searching for, or thinks he is searching for. To sum up, I say that maybe “there’s something missing” means an unidentified item, and he just can’t be bothered to figure it out, or possibly doesn’t have the relationship skills to figure it out. It doesn’t necessarily mean “she stinks in bed” (whether or not she farts — ha ha ha).
Scenario #1, part B: from a past personal experience (and I truly loathe myself for having done so) there is the chance that vague “something” actually means something of which he is truly cognizant, yet he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings by saying so. A real cop-out, I must say. He could just be feigning ignorance when he doesn’t want to share it. And it could very well be that the “something” is so juvenile (“I don’t like the way she laughs/chews her food/snores”), or downright stupid (“her tits aren’t big enough”), that he doesn’t want to look like an absolute imbecile by saying what that “something” was.
Scenario #2. “There’s something missing” = there’s so many other chicks out there that I just don’t want to settle down. Much more common in metropolitan areas (you’re a New Yorker, aren’t you, Miss Bunting?) than in rural areas. (Farm boys latch onto an available breeder like a barnacle on the Titanic.) It’s not that something is missing, it’s that he’s had his time with her, and he’s ready to move onto the next available member of the opposite sex. Maybe in a few years, when he is either fed up with “moving on” or he is balding or starting to get a spare tire around his middle, he will ignore the potential of new contestants in the talent show we call dating and see her for who she is, and who she can be, in terms of a long-term relationship.
Just my views, Sarah.
Eric
Dear Eric,
Okay, I agree. Sometimes people just don’t click. No argument here. But your Scenario 1B still allows for the possibility that she’s bad in bed. And that’s easily enough worked on or addressed (with the proper amount of gentleness, of course).
I’ve found myself in situations where I still loved the guy but didn’t feel any attraction to him anymore, and when I broke up with him, I lied about why — sometimes we have to prioritize sparing another person’s feelings over truthfulness. Nobody wants to hear that shit. But I guess this brings us to the question: do we owe a person that honesty? Or should we just…lie? True, not feeling attracted to someone and thinking that they suck in bed are two different things. Still, I think I’d rather hear a bit of constructive criticism than get dumped and have to wonder if I had some weird mid-coital tic to blame; on the other hand, then I’d feel all self-conscious about the tic.
I don’t know the answer; I’m just thinking out loud here. Let’s hear from someone else.
Sars:
Okay, first off, Jimmy Hoffa is a dead man (Like John Belushi said in Animal House: “Wormer! He’s a dead man! Neidermeyer? DEAD!”)
Yes,”Jimmy Hoffa” was right: “There’s something missing” IS guy-speak for “You stink in bed.” BUT HE’S NOT SUPPOSED TO TELL ANY WOMEN THAT!
Duuuuuh! Jeeez. What happened to honor among guys?
And there’s a REASON guys don’t tell women that: Even if the sex is bad, it’s still “Some Sex” as opposed to “No Sex,” which is exactly what the guy will get if he spills the beans.
Scenario: He tells a woman, “You know, when we’re in bed, maybe you could move/moan/breathe/talk/hold me/react or SOMETHING.” She thinks, “I’m no good in bed.” Result: Well, you can guess the result as far as sex with him will be concerned in the future. It’s OVER.
So he says nothing and puts up with the less-than-quality sex, hoping it’ll get better or he’ll meet someone else. As soon as Choice #2 happens, well, “There’s something missing.” Yeah, HIM! He’s outta there.
So what can Holly do? Screw up her courage, and call one or two (or more) of the past lovers. Tell them, “Lissen, I need some brutal honesty here. When we were doin’ it, was it good, bad or indifferent? I REALLY need the truth.” If the guys have any honesty or pity within them, she should brace herself. It won’t be pretty. But at least she’ll have some answers, she can stop beating herself up, and maybe make some adjustments.
Hey, guys are horn-dogs. But we’ll usually put up with a LOT if there’s some Decent Canoodling waiting at the end of the week. I’m just sayin’….
Mr. Harsh Truth
Dear Harsh,
Well, thanks for not sugarcoating it. But I’ve got to say, “Maybe you could move/moan/breathe/talk/hold me/react or SOMETHING” isn’t the best way to get results, from anyone. It’s mean; worse, it’s self-absorbed. “Maybe you could perform perfectly or, if you don’t read my mind, I’ll leave you”? What the fuck?
And how nice for you guys to “put up with” us if we put out. That’s real big of you.
Women are horn-dogs too. What we’re not is clairvoyant. If you want a woman to put on a French maid’s uniform and give you a blowjob with klezmer music playing, you have to tell her that. If she’s a grunter and that grosses you out, you have to mention that, gently. If she’s not taking it easy enough with the fingernails, well, that has to be said, aloud. But if you’re just lying there with your teeth gritted, enduring mediocre sex until something better comes along, well, mediocre sex is what you deserve.
One last thing: if she’s not moving or moaning or reacting, “maybe that’s you or SOMETHING.” Duh.
Well, I’m not a guy, so…but Hoffa is a moron and just trying to (and not in the most subtle of manners, either) tell us all that he is the original mack daddy. (Yeah, right — nice name.)
But for most guys over the age of 17, if a man is in touch with himself enough to know there is something missing emotionally from the relationship, that usually means that…SURPRISE! THERE IS SOMETHING MISSING EMOTIONALLY FROM THE RELATIONSHIP. Hmmmmmmm. Maybe “Hoffa” needs a college-level Logic class and Psych 101. But boys that are not there yet and feel that they need more/better booty usually just cheat on you and make sure that you find out in the worst possible way. Or just play the coward and stop returning calls.
J
Dear J,
Well, that’s sort of what I’m trying to get to here. We’ve all heard “it’s not you, it’s me” and “there’s just something missing” and “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” But I’m trying to gauge whether, as Hoffa says, “there’s something missing” actually means “watch it with the teeth”…and, furthermore, whether a guy should just out with “watch it with the teeth” instead of shining it on with “I need some space.”
And…yeah, the real Hoffa ended up head-down in the swamp grass in Jersey.
Stay tuned for more correspondence on this subject in tomorrow’s Vine…
Tags: Ask The Readers boys (and girls) sex
