The Vine: February 7, 2001
I think you posted those letters just to anger people. It certainly worked on me.
First, there’s no universal “guy code.” When I break up with a woman, I don’t need to first consult my handbook. Therefore, “there’s something missing” probably means something different to each man. The only thing that’s certain is that it means that he’s no longer interested in dating.
When I used it, it meant quite the opposite. Specifically, the “something” that was missing was everything other than the sex
itself. The sex was great, but she had no personality.
There’s still the possibility that in this particular case, the “something” was good sex. And I must take issue with your suggestion that communication can always help this. Sometimes people just aren’t sexually compatible, and no amount of instruction is ever going to make it better than mediocre.
No matter what the particular problem was, this guy was trying to let her down easy. I think it’s best in these scenarios not to ask too many questions. She probably doesn’t want to know the truth. She should just move on.
Fred
Dear Fred,
No, communication can’t always help, but if Hoffa (or any other guy) is giving the girl her walking papers because she’s not doing it for him in bed, it seems like she deserves a chance to fix that problem.
I’m not deliberately trying to piss people off; I’m trying to start a dialogue.
Dear Sarah,
Well, now we know what happened to Jimmy Hoffa; he’s in hiding, giving advice to the lovelorn. “There is something missing” is not a code phrase for “you stink in bed.” It could mean many things, but most probably it means something like “our relationship is not working the way I thought it would.” I would advise the girl to say something like “what in the hell is the problem?” If he can’t communicate his feelings, she would be smart to tell him, “when you figure it out we’ll talk about it.” It’s definitely a RED FLAG. She should be looking around for a different kind of guy.
One thing that strikes me, when reading letters to The Vine, is how much more social relationships seem to mean to women then men. My life’s experience has been that when I or a male pal had a strong disagreement, one of us would tell the other to fuck off.
Bob
Dear Bob,
To the first part of your letter: word. Except that I would append “but don’t expect me to wait around for you” to that. The point I made in my response to the original “something’s missing” letter is that she shouldn’t settle for second best.
As to the second part…well, many women grow up socialized to please others, and as a result we often winding up taking unnecessary crap because of societal pressure to “make nice” and not “be a bitch.” Or that’s my theory.
Though “there’s something missing” may well be code for “you stink in bed” for some, it doesn’t, and hopefully never will, for me. I was in fact going to say something to that effect to my own girlfriend when we inevitably break up, but if it has those overtones perhaps I should reconsider. But taken at face value, it’s absolutely true. The sex is great, the companionship is great, the girl is great. But there’s, well, something missing. No matter what I say, though, I expect to be misunderstood. That’s just the nature of such things, no?
A
Dear A,
Yes. No matter how it’s interpreted, “something missing” is something missing, and it hurts. Usually, though, the true reasons would hurt a lot more, or would sound stupid, or just don’t bear getting into for one reason or another.
I think we’ve established to everyone’s satisfaction that “there’s something missing” doesn’t necessarily mean “you suck in bed.” Not that I doubted the outcome, but Hoffa, if you read this: grow up.
Tags: Ask The Readers boys (and girls) sex
