Where do I begin?

Oh yes, at the beginning. I have a son. I’ve never been married, did not finish my degree, and come from meager socio-economic background.

We have lived with my boyfriend for almost two years now. He’s wonderful to both of us. My problem is not with him, unless of course you could teach me how to brainwash him into using his glass more than once and putting his dirty clothes in the laundry basket instead of in the floor beside them. But none of that really bothers me.

So anyway, my boyfriend comes from a completely different background than I. His family was somewhat affluent. He attended private school, completed his degree, and I am his first truly significant relationship.

And his parents hate me. And although my initial instinct is to return their favor, I resist in hopes that things will change…one day.

I believe that it is the intent of my boyfriend and myself that we will one day marry. My son calls him “Dad,” and my boyfriend finds this flattering and touching. We share a home, bills, parental duties, life in general.

But his parents truly do not approve of me. They may not seriously “hate” me. But they would be pleased to see our relationship dissipate. And will probably be devastated when we marry.

I have issues with his parents regardless of their notorious dislike of me. They appear to have been strict and unaffectionate in my boyfriend’s formative years. They had separate bedrooms, fought a good bit, and divorced during my boyfriend’s sophomore year in college. They waited to divorce…their initial desire to do so was when my boyfriend was in first grade, but they “stayed together for the boys.” (He has one brother.) Instead, they lived an exemplary life of how not to conduct a relationship, much less a marriage. Now my boyfriend has issues regarding marriage because many cornerstones of his childhood have been brought into question since their divorce, and he now distrusts the institution because it did not represent what it should in his family. In short, they’ve warped him.

However, I am an amiable person, and I sincerely want to please his parents. I want to somehow show them who I really am and that their son’s happiness and well-being will always be one of my first priorities, right up there with my own child’s. I realize this is spoken in years of action…change is a process, not an event.

But this desire grows weaker and weaker as they say more and more about me. I am honored that my boyfriend trusts me with the knowledge of what they say, although I’m certain he doesn’t tell me everything. I’m sure there are things that are said that he realizes my feelings probably can’t handle. He tries to smooth it over by saying that they wouldn’t be satisfied with anyone, it isn’t just me. Well, that’s still wrong of them, in my opinion.

They dislike that I come from a poor family, that I’m a single mother, that I didn’t finish college. They even tell other relatives that my child is from a previous marriage, because they’re “embarrassed” to tell them the truth, that he and I were abandoned by his father when I became pregnant in college. I have nothing of which to be ashamed. I don’t see why they do.

Nevertheless, this all comes down to my problem. For the past several months, they’ve been somewhat unwelcome at our home because of things they have said about me. My boyfriend had a huge argument with his father after his father suggested he re-evaluate his life and suggested that my son and I were more of a burden than a joy. They didn’t speak for quite a while. But lately, amends are being made between my boyfriend and his parents. Unfortunately, it is out of the grace of my boyfriend that amends are being offered. His parents have not, and obviously will not, apologize for the way they feel.

Therefore, my feelings can reach no measure of mending.

I do not want to discourage my boyfriend from his parents. I believe that I should be selfless in this matter, and do everything in my power to take the high road and be as good to his parents as humanly possible. Thus far, I’ve only had to encounter them by telephone when they call to speak to my boyfriend. Two minutes of chit-chat isn’t too hard to force.

But the visits will begin soon. I don’t know how I can look them in the face and pretend that I don’t know how they feel about me. And worse yet, I don’t know how I can be anything beyond civil to them when I know they’re forcing themselves to be nice to me. I don’t know how I can feel okay around them when I know they think I’m “beneath” them in so many ways. I want to yell at them and tell them they’re the ones that are unfortunate and lacking, they don’t even understand love, which is the most valuable thing on earth. But I know that I will not do this.

So, short of a Valium, do you have any suggestions for me? Unusual expressions of kindness? (However some that I’ve attempted in the past created conversation that it was “strange of [me] to do that.” Wow, I thought gifts on birthdays were appropriate, but apparently not.) Code language for getting across that I think they’re putrid for not supporting their son emotionally? Moral support? A case of beer?

Anything would be appreciated at this point.

Much thanks,
The Indigent Girlfriend With An Illegitimate Child

Here’s my problem: I’ve been dating my best friend for about a year now, and I want to say things to him (such as “I love you”), but I don’t want him to wig. Some background is in order, of course. J and I knew each other in high school. I was dating someone else (whom I eventually both married and divorced), when J admitted he was “in love” with me. I was flattered, but told him I loved this other guy. J didn’t talk to me for the rest of the year, I moved away to go to college, got married, got divorced, blah blah blah. Fast forward eleven years. I called him out of the blue after my divorce and we hooked up almost immediately. He had not yet had a relationship last longer than nine months, and he was just getting over that one. After a month of dating, he wigged and we broke up but still remained best platonic friends. I dated others, he dated others, and then last November we hooked up again. At the time, we both said we were just “friends with benefits” and left it at that.

Now it’s been a year, and neither of us has so much as hugged anyone else. We see each other about every other weekend (we both have very busy lives), and we get along famously. We have not said ONE WORD about our “relationship” for an entire year. I’ve been having stronger and stronger feelings for him the past few months, but I’m not sure I should bring it up with him. I’m worried that he will wig again and I also am not sure I really need to SAY anything. It’s not like our relationship would change all that much if we both decided this was love -– we’d still only be able to see each other twice a month. So, Sars, what do you think? Should I say the words and have him potentially wig? Or should I just keep my big trap shut and enjoy what I have?

Thanks bunches,
Is Silence Golden?