The Vine: February 9, 2005
Dear Sars,
Truly, you have blessed my life with snark. I ask that you do the same with your all-encompassing wisdom.
This is a pretty weird question. All of a sudden my entire world is just utterly absurd. So the beginning: My mom and I have never gotten along. Well, we have in a way…but for every day that’s “whee mommy daughter shopping laughing bonding” there’s a “you are such a disappointment, you underachieving fatty.”
For real. My dad calls them her “nuclear explosions.” The thing is, I never really understood how much they got to me. Like, it kinda sucked. A lot. But everyone has problems with their family, right?
Well. The thing is, she’s been telling me I was fat and out of shape since like ninth grade. And I didn’t even hit my growth spurt ’til tenth grade! We’re talking 110 pounds tiny girl. And then eventually when I was 125 pounds and 5’7″ it just got worse. I had a sort of eating disorder senior year (as in I wrote down everything I ate…which was less than 500 calories a day. I keep the journal I wrote it in just so I can remind myself how unhealthy that was). Anyway. She denies that even happened.
But let’s go to the point. Ever since I’ve gone away to college (which my parents pay for) it’s just gotten worse. I’ve gained weight here and I had some major anxiety issues right before winter break because I was too afraid to go home and hear what she’d say to me. As in, my friend would ask me when I was leaving for home and I’d start hyperventilating and crying uncontrollably. It scared me to death and I started going to a counselor. I never realized how much our screwy relationship had gotten to me.
All right, so, counselling, yay! I go home, have a nice Christmas…my mom has some freakouts but honestly is surprisingly nice overall (well, realize that I mean about two fights a week) and it’s nice. I have time to exercise at home, lose some weight. Then I come back up here and everything is all about my weight again. It gets to the point where one night she starts yelling at me over the phone about how I have no discipline and how I’m so cruel to her by disappointing her all the time and how could I deprive her of having a nice pretty daughter. She makes all her normal threats blah blah you’re-dead-to-me-cakes and what not…and for some reason this time I totally freak out. I was taking some ibuprofen for a headache while my mom’s still going off on me via telephone and I took a ton without thinking. Now, my mom’s a nurse. I know ibuprofen doesn’t really hurt you, especially when you just take a handful. But still. It was like I blacked out. Like all of a sudden, I looked at the ibuprofen and realized what I’d done. I was more worried about the sudden lack of control I had. So my counsellor says it’s a stress reaction, blah blah, I’m not crazy.
God. This is a ton of background. Feel free to work your editing magic. I’m having a problem with my best friends, one who goes to my school, “Jasmine,” and my boyfriend/soulmate person, “Ivan,” who goes to school across the country and who knew me really well through high school. He knows my mom too. The thing is, both of them are like, “Your mom abuses you, you need to take drastic measures to get out of there.” They mean really well, but it kind of frustrates me. Well, Jasmine just kinda lets me know that I have options — like, “Sweetie, my parents said you can live with us and if you declare financial independence you can get financial aid or go to a school where you can get a scholarship and we will help you.” Ivan is more the one who acts like I’m some kind of battered wife or something because I don’t want to leave my FAMILY!
I know this sounds childish but I just want him to stop bringing this up. This would make my mom my worst enemy and she would ruin my life. Not to mention, this would KILL my dad. Honestly. Oh, and my little sister who’s like my best friend? Yeah. I’ll just move across the country ’cause my mom says mean things to me. And declare myself not part of the family. How can this even be something someone would ever encourage someone to do? Well, I mean I know if she beat me or something…but this is an emotional problem and I’m getting emotional help — I have been responsible about getting the help I need and Jasmine and Ivan have been so amazingly supportive that I don’t want to be bitchy when they’re just trying to help, but I can’t stand it when they say that stuff. Is this an irrational anger? I just feel like such a failure/fuck-up/melodramatic bitch when someone who knows me this well says this kind of thing. I realize I’m the one who has issues and I’ve been doing the nice polite “Sweetie, you know I can’t do that,” and I try to explain why, but I can’t even communicate how upset this concept makes me. I don’t want to spend more time crying to him about issues because then he’ll probably just be more concerned.
So. Let it drop, or have big “let me prove I’m emotionally stable by crying a lot” talk?
Thanks,
I’m supposed to be the rational one!
Dear Rational,
If you don’t want to discuss these issues with Ivan, or hear what he has to say, you’ll have to say so. “I know you care about me, and I appreciate your input, but it really upsets me when you suggest turning my back on my family, so don’t do that anymore.”
The thing is, I think Ivan’s right. The fact that even the idea of standing up to your horrendous bitch of a mother is incomprehensible to you is a significant indicator of how much she controls you and of how unhealthy the effects of that have been for you. I mean, yeah, it would kill your dad. Does it kill him to listen to the raging beast he married rip into his child? Apparently it doesn’t kill him enough to stick up for you, or to insist that your mother get counseling herself so that she can rein in the abuse. Because don’t kid yourself — she’s abusive, and don’t think she doesn’t know that she has the power in the situation because you don’t want to lose the other members of your family.
Look, I know it’s difficult, especially when she’s paying for your school, but she still controls every aspect of your emotional life, even the ones she’s not directly involved in. I think it mostly bothers you that your friends “say that stuff” because you know they’re right, and there’s nothing wrong with feeling that way, or with being terrified of taking any action to separate from your mother — that’s normal. But I think you have to be a little more honest with yourself about where these reactions come from, and about who the real problem is here. It’s your mother.
Love everything about you, Sars.
So here’s my story. I have worked in customer-service-oriented jobs my entire working life. But I think I’m finally reaching the end of my rope when it comes to how much more I can really put up with at work. I’m tired of being the first line of accountability for unhappy people, particularly when the cause of their unhappiness has nothing to do with me or my job.
I like the company I work for, and I think that I could have a future here. Hell, I’ve been with the company for five years, so I at least have a past with them. But at the level I work, I’m constantly changing supervisors, and haven’t had the opportunity to work with any one of them long enough to develop the working relationship I would like in order to climb the ladder. If I’m constantly having to “start over” and prove myself to the new guy at the corporate office, how will I ever get my own job there?
I’ve succeeded at almost every task I’ve been assigned, and made my way through the pay ranks quite well. But my primary job functions and duties have never altered much. The boredom of routine has combined with the weight (a lot of which is self-administered) of the constant complaints and whines of the people I serve.
While I’ve been politically savvy enough to socialize with my boss outside of work, and offered my advice on other projects when it’s been solicited, I don’t know my boss that well. Should I trust him enough to have a face-to-face and say, “I’d like a desk job, please?” without it being interpreted as “I’m thinking of quitting.” Because if the latter happens I’m sunk, and stuck at this level. I’ve seen it happen to too many co-workers.
I’m about a year away from being in any kind of position to begin a new job hunt, or to return to school. Do I lay low and deal, or do I sack up and say what I need to say in the hopes that my boss will recognize the need to keep (in my opinion) a valuable employee in whatever way he can?
Signed,
I’m not supposed to be here today!
Dear Supposed,
You’ve been waiting for your boss and your supervisors to notice the great job you’re doing — which they probably have, but why would they then move you out of the position when, from what they’ve seen, you’re a perfect fit with it?
You need to make your ambitions known to them — “I’d like a desk job, please” is not the way to go about it, but having a discussion with your boss in which you let him know you like the company and you’d like to move up within it is perfectly reasonable. It’s also the only way you’re going to get anywhere, because I think you’re sort of stewing and waiting to be tapped to go to the next level, and that’s not always how it works; sometimes you have to tell the people in charge that you’re looking to progress.
Request a meeting; outline your accomplishments and ask what your possibilities are for advancement. At worst, you stay at that level until you can find a job elsewhere.
Hey Sars,
This is kind of an etiquette question, and kind of a what-should-I-do
question. More of the latter, really, but I’d like your opinion on
what to do in general as well as in specific.
My policy has always been to not get involved in my friends’ love
lives. Basically, I try to be supportive of whatever choices they
make, and since my friends have never been involved in physically
abusive relationships (I would say something if this were ever the
case), I just vent my frustrations to other friends who feel similarly
about said relationships. I’ve always figured that, as someone outside
looking in, I couldn’t possibly know as much as they do about their
relationships, and should therefore keep my trap shut. Additionally,
my friends are adults who should be able to take care of their own
shit.
I’ve maintained this position through two different friends’ bad
relationships. In one case, the guy eventually broke it off with her,
and she spent months in pain over a guy she had perceived to be The
Love of her Life; and in the other, the friend ended up marrying the
guy, cheating on him, then divorcing him a month later.
Now, another one of my friends is in a relationship that I, along with
a few other friends of ours, believe is bad for her. Basically, we
think the guy treats her like crap, is changing her into a different
person, and is keeping her from doing as many friend things as she did
before the relationship.
I had the opportunity several times to share my feelings over the
previous two friends’ relationships. In the first, I knew the guy was
emotionally manipulative and was causing my friend to suffer bouts of
depression over his crappy treatment of her — she even showed me short
stories and poems she had written about how she felt in her
relationship, and all of which painted a picture of her knowing he was
mistreating her, but loving him anyway. I could have easily said “This
guy isn’t worth your time for x, y, and z reasons. Leave him,” and
maybe that would have helped her end the relationship, instead of
holding on until he broke her heart.
In the second case, I knew that things had been weird between my
friend and her fiance; I knew they hadn’t had sex in two years; and I
just had a general feeling of “Dude, this is SUCH a bad idea.” But I
again said nothing, and even acted as maid of honor in the wedding. I
can’t help thinking that if I had talked to my friend about my
concerns, they might not have gotten married to begin with.
Okay, so. Considering all that, do I say something to friend three?
Should I say anything, ever, about things like this? If I should speak
up, what’s the best way of approaching the subject without alienating
my friend?
Sincerely,
Is Honesty The Best Policy?
Dear Not Always,
Whether you speak up in situations like this really depends on whether your friends have solicited your opinion. In the first case, you could have said something — maybe not as blunt as “he sucks, get out,” but you could have pointed out that she clearly knew he was a bad bet, and that you’d support her in whatever she decided to do, but you felt she would be better off without him making her so unhappy. I mean, you have choices besides “keep completely mum” and “blurt out the unvarnished truth”; it doesn’t seem like you’ve considered that happy medium.
Second situation, same thing. If you’re going to stand up as the maid of honor, and you genuinely think it’s going to end badly, that’s…kind of your job, to say something. The maid of honor isn’t just an honorary position, name to the contrary; you’re a witness to the marriage. You did in fact know a reason why those two should not have been joined in holy matrimony, and when the subject of their failure to have sex in two years came up, you probably should have pointed out that that didn’t bode well. But you didn’t, and again, it sounds to me like you think you have to actually say, “Dude, this is SUCH a bad idea,” when there are a number of other, gentler ways to express your concern.
With that said, in the third case, you have every right to speak to your friend even if she hasn’t asked or brought it up, because the relationship is causing her to become a crappy friend. You don’t have to blame that on the relationship, or even mention it, but you can certainly tell her that she’s not holding up her end, and you don’t know what’s up with that but you’re not happy about it. That behavior pertains directly to your friendship; why wouldn’t you bring it up?
Don’t get me wrong; the minding of the own business is a wonderful concept and I don’t want to discourage anyone who practices it from doing so. But it’s one thing to keep your own counsel if your friend hasn’t raised the subject; you don’t have to march over to her house all “that guy has GOTS to GO” unsolicited. But nor do you have to sit frozen if she’s getting weepy about his asshat behavior; you can comment, and she probably expects you to. If you’re uncomfortable, stick to statements like “it sounds like he” this and “you seem to feel” that — you don’t have to insult the guys, just talk about her feelings. But if you have an opinion, you can tactfully share it. This is what friends do.
Dear Sars,
I recently had a mutual parting of ways with a company that “wasn’t a good
match,” as they say. While the specifics aren’t really relevant to my
question, the long and the short of it was that I wasn’t happy with the job,
and the company only wants happy people working for them. Whatever. It
sucked, but it was a learning experience, right?
A few weeks later, I was shocked to see that the president of the firm had
decided to write about a “bad hire” that they had made in a monthly column
published on the corporate web site. While he never actually named names,
the article included enough verifiable information that anyone who knew I
used to work for this company would know he was talking about me. I don’t
think I could call what he wrote libelous, but I would say that it is
extremely unfair and one-sided. I dispute his description of my attitude
and work ethic, especially considering that it’s based almost entirely on
hearsay and not any particular experience he had with me, but I guess
technically he’s not lying if that’s his opinion. I contacted him and told
him that I felt it was wrong that he should write about me in this manner,
especially so soon after I had left, and asked him to replace the article
with another. He refused.
I don’t want to sue, I just want it off the site, which I think is a
reasonable request. My friends say that the fact that he wrote this says
more about him and the company than it does about me, but that’s poor
consolation when I think about how many of our mutual contacts will read
this. What if I had wanted a job with one of them? I am wondering, do I
have any recourse in this? Should I just try to let it go and hope that no
one who matters will take his opinions to heart?
Thanks,
Up unemployment’s creek without a reference
I’d contact an employment lawyer and see what she has to say. At the very least, she can fire off a letter on her firm’s letterhead, asking pointedly for him to remove the letter lest you be forced to sue him for interfering with your ability to make a living. Whether you could win such a suit isn’t the point, but either way, he won’t want to get into it with the legal department, so he’ll probably just take it down.
The lawyer doesn’t even have to mention a lawsuit; just getting a letter on legal stationery straightens people out pretty quickly. If you really want the letter taken down, and that’s really all you want, it’s a good investment.
Dear Sars —
I hate to be repetitive, but this is one of those “when is it time to let
the friendship die?” letters. A little background — I’ve been friends with
“Figment” since college. After school, we worked together, and after I moved
from that job, we continued to get together semi-regularly. We lived about
15 minutes away from each other, watched each other’s cats while the other
was out of town, et cetera. When I was looking for an apartment, he offered to let
me move into his townhouse. We even spent precious vacation time together.
Then I met “Fiancé,” who is perfect for me, we’re very happy and getting
married in a few months.
Now on to the heart of the matter. Fiancé and I are putting together the
guest list for the wedding, and though Figment is on that list, I’m
wondering if he really should be. I’ve been with Fiancé for two years, and
Figment has yet to meet him. One or the other was always not available when
Figment and I would get together. But since last fall when Fiancé and I got
engaged, I’ve heard less and less from Figment.
I had plans to have dinner
with Figment right after I got engaged, at which time I was planning to tell
him the news, and he canceled. Later that month Fiancé and I had a party at
which Figment was expected, but never showed up. I spoke to him later and he
said he had just forgotten. Since then, I have sent multiple emails and
left messages on his answering machine suggesting outings that are never
returned or answered. I feel badly that he heard about my engagement from
someone else, but he never gave me a chance to tell him.
Since Fiancé and I
just recently finalized the date for our small wedding, I sent an email to
Figment and mutual friends letting them know the date and place and that
though it would be a small wedding, their attendance was important to us and
that we hoped they’d be able to make it. (Formal invitations are being sent
closer to the date.) While the other friends responded, I still haven’t
heard anything from Figment. For a while I was genuinely concerned that
something horrible had happened to Figment and I just hadn’t heard, but when
I had the mutual friends check since I couldn’t get a response, they
received a reply. I have to assume that he just doesn’t want to talk to me
for some reason.
Fiancé thinks Figment was in love with me and no longer wants to see me now
that I’m getting married. I have my doubts, since we were friends for more
than ten years and he had plenty of opportunity if he wanted to start
something since he and I were both single the whole time. We never kissed or
held hands or anything. I assumed I wasn’t his type, as I knew he’d drive me
crazy in a romantic relationship though we had a great time as friends.
Is it time to let it go? I’d like for him to attend our wedding, since we
were such good friends for so long, but I don’t want to cause him pain. I’m
planning on sending the invitation, since I already emailed that I would.
Should I try another phone call, just send the invitation and see if I get a
response, or let it go entirely? It seems a shame to lose a friend for lack
of trying, but if he’s heartbroken every time he hears from me, I don’t want
to impose any further. Thanks for any insight and advice you can provide.
Confused at the loss of a friend
Dear Confused,
You “don’t want to cause him pain”? Bah. Even if he is in love with you and having a hard time…he’s also rudely blowing you off, and has been for ages now. At the very least he could have sent word through a friend that he wanted you to back off, but no, he just…can’t be shagged. Enough already. Whatever his reasons, he’s not keeping up his end, so it’s time to let it go.
Send the wedding invitation. He’ll decline it, probably, if he shifts himself to RSVP at all — don’t be surprised if he doesn’t respond either way. I don’t know what his problem is, but again, the why doesn’t really matter at this point. He checked out of this friendship some time ago, and it’s time for you to acknowledge that.
I know it sucks, but he’s had his chances to stay in your life; he’s taken none of them. It hurts, but it is what it is. Move on.
Tags: friendships the fam workplace
