The Vine: February 9, 2006
Hey Sars:
I’m at the age where my son has started attending a lot of birthday parties. These kids are young enough that they all want presents to open up and play with right then — gift certificates and cash are definitely not appreciated.
Recently my son got an invitation to another boy’s party and at the bottom of the invite, the father indicated that the son had an Amazon.com wishlist. A few of the other moms and I got to talking about this and whether or not it was tacky. We ended up agreeing that it was tacky, but at the same time, it was really convenient.
I mean, most of my friends have Amazon.com wishlists, and I find it super-helpful when it’s time to give gifts. These kids I don’t even know (so I don’t know their tastes at all), and I am not friends with most of their parents, so it’s a lot more convenient to find a list online what the bugger would like, rather than trying to call the parents and ask.
At the same time, printing that on a invite seems so tacky. On the other hand, if it wasn’t printed, none of us would have known about it (see: big classes, not being friends with all the parents, etc., so there isn’t the word of mouth that goes along with bridal registries).
What is your take on parents registering children at stores or online websites, and if it’s appropriate, how that information should be spread?
Thanks,
Ugh, why invite all the kids in the class?
Dear Because That’s How It’s Always Been Done,
I don’t think it’s horribly tacky, but it’s probably preferable for parents who register their kids at Amazon or Toys ‘R’ Us to wait until they’re asked to volunteer that information. On the other hand, they’re registering on the kid’s behalf; it’s not like he knows what a registry is, or what the etiquette is in the situation. It has to be handled for him. So, yeah, it’s a bit tacky, but it’s not getting the same lifted brow it would get on a wedding invitation.
In the future, you might consider searching under the kids’ names to see if they have wish lists, since, as you say, it’s handy.
Dear Sars,
I’ve got a husband problem.
He’s 37, and I’m 24. We’ve been married for almost a year now. I’m expecting our first baby in two months. The problem I’m having is that there’s a sweet young thing at my husband’s work who I believe would very much like to try my man on for size, and I’m afraid he’s tempted.
My husband, R, is the maintenance supervisor at work and, for whatever reason, all the women at his work seem to think he’s the cutest thing. Hell, we met and fell in love when we worked together, so I can understand how they feel. Anyway, there’s this girl, who is also “R” (and how it makes me want to GAG that her name is the feminine version of his name!) but we’ll call her “Estupida” (inside joke with myself). Estupida is 21 years old and very pretty. The first time I saw Estupida at R’s work on a day I went to visit him at lunch, he made the COLOSSAL error of waving at her and saying, “Hola, corazon!” My ears perked up like a cat hearing a can opener. My husband is not a casual endearment sorta guy. He maintains to this day that it was nothing big, else why would he have said it right in front of me, and I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
To continue, it was not long before I noticed Estupida’s name cropped up in his cell phone contact list. After a perusal of the cell phone bill, I see both incoming and outgoing calls to that number. I asked him what was going on and he, again, asserted that nothing was going on and that he was making an MP3 CD for her and they were just friends. I made it clear that making a CD would mean a couple phone calls maybe but that the number of calls was too much, it was making me uncomfortable, and would he please stop calling her. He said he would. Not too long after I noticed Estupida’s name on his contact list was replaced with simply her first initial. Oh, how ever was I to crack such a complex code? I asked him again to stop the phone calls. Still, the phone calls continued, now with just her phone number, no name in the contact list, and usually a *67 in front of it so that it would come up as “Restricted” on her end. Fishy, right? Quite upset now, I made it clear that the phone calls MUST stop and that he needed to talk to her about calling him. Like, NOW. Finally, FINALLY, the phone calls stopped. About a month passed.
THEN, about two weeks ago, I see an unfamiliar number start showing up on his call list a lot (yes, I will admit to snooping regularly on his phone — I mean, c’mon). I asked a friend at work who speaks Spanish (Estupida doesn’t speak English) to call the number and check to see if it was Estupida’s number. Sure enough, it was. Okay, I was fit to be tied. Now she has a cell phone? Did she get it just so they could start calling each other again, or what? So, I decide to go to his work to confront him about this. I wasn’t yelling and screaming Jerry-Springer-style but I let him know that I was very upset and hurt that he would continue to call her and let her call him, when he KNOWS how much it upsets me and I’m VERY pregnant right now and I don’t need this shit. I said to him, even if everything is completely innocent and you two are really just friends, I’ve made a request as your wife that you not be calling a young, pretty girl, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I told him I know he’s still going to see and talk to her at work but could they just STOP with the frickin’ phone calls? That’s all I’m asking. Just. Don’t. Call. Her.
Well, R was upset that I’d come to his work and upset that I don’t trust him. He understood why I would be jealous but that honestly, really, truly, nothing was going on and she called him, not the other way around, because she was the one who sold him a gold chain he’d recently acquired and he was making payments to her because he hadn’t paid in full yet. That was all. Plus, he told me that her friend, M, thought it was very amusing that I was jealous and would call from Estupida’s phone to get him in trouble (a real possibility, since I know M to be of a bitchy nature). Fast forward to this past Friday night, I overheard him calling her again at 11 o’clock at night. True, I know enough Spanish to know they weren’t whispering sweet nothings, but c’mon, why so late on a Friday night? Well, we ended up getting in a fight about it because I said well maybe if I started calling up dudes late at night to chat, you wouldn’t have a big problem, then, right, which of course, he would have a HUGE problem with. I ended up saying, fine, you know what, call whom-EVER you want, go wherever you want, I’m not going to ASK, I’m just your pregnant wife who’s being COMPLETELY unreasonable. Hurrumph.
Of course, now I’m dying of curiousity/jealousy because dammit, I want to know if he’s still calling her, but I can’t ASK because I’m trying to prove that I don’t CARE. Ugh! I know that, deep inside, my husband, being a man pushing forty, is tickled pink that he’s got his young wife jealous over him and an even younger girl at work paying attention to him. He’s even commented that he doesn’t understand why women seem to be attracted to him these days when he didn’t have much luck when he was younger. Sars, I don’t believe R actually HAS done anything physical with Estupida, but the point is that he is not respecting my wishes about the phone calls and I want to do something about it. What should I say or do? Keep in mind that I would totally speak to Estupida myself but I don’t speak Spanish and she doesn’t speak English, so that’s out of the picture.
Jealous and Pregnant and Eating Everything in Sight
Dear Jealous,
Okay, just so you’re prepared: I got off a red-eye from California, like, two hours ago, so I’m too tired to sugar-coat things today. Okay? Okay.
I can’t say beyond a reasonable doubt that nothing physical has happened between your husband and this woman, but…something’s going on. He may not have cheated on you yet, but…”yet.” I mean, a mix CD? This is not something married men do for women not their wives, generally. I can think of exceptions to that rule, and so can you, but in this case, it doesn’t apply. And that gold chain excuse is such bullshit, I can smell it from here.
And even if nothing is going on for real, why won’t he just stop calling her? Why won’t he tell her to stop calling him? Is this why he married a woman so much younger than himself — because he expected that she wouldn’t question him, that he could do as he pleased without regard to her feelings? Because one of four things is happening here: 1) he’s cheating on you; 2) he’s fixing to cheat on you; 3) he already cheated on you, that part’s over, but Estupida is proving harder to manage than he’d anticipated; or 4) this is about him not wanting you to tell him what to do.
Something has gone seriously wrong if this is the central issue in your marriage right now. You’re patrolling his cell phone call log like you’re his mom; he’s defying you like a teenager. This is not a dynamic you want in a marriage, this scary-mommy chastened-boy set-up, and you need to put a stop to it one way or the other, pregnant or not. Either you’re going to stop checking up on him and waiting for him to fuck up, or you’re going to lay down the law and leave if he breaks it again, but you can’t go on like this, “nothing’s happening” this, “I want you to stop, it hurts my feelings” that, “it shouldn’t hurt your feelings so I won’t stop” the other thing. You can let it go, completely, and focus on the baby, or you can tell him that if it doesn’t stop with Estupida, you will leave him, and then you will in fact have to leave if it doesn’t stop.
Right now, he knows it yanks your chain and he knows you won’t do anything about it. Unhook the chain, or yank back. These are your choices. Pick one, but before you pick, ask yourself if this is shit you want your kid to have to deal with, because your husband…doesn’t sound like husband material.
Hi Sars,
Okay, here are the goods: I am the manager of a national touring rock band. I have been in this position for over two years now, and things are great on that front, I love the job and love the band and aside from the usual industry-related work crap and my own personal life stuff, I’m happy.
However, the “bandleader” is one of my best friends. He asked me to do this position and I subsequently moved my life to another city in order to do it. When we met, he was married and he has a small child. Over the course of the last couple of years, I simultaneously became closer to both him and his wife and child — as a result of the simple fact that band managers just have to get all up in the lives of the people they’re managing, or it doesn’t work — while watching the slow, drawn-out disintegration of their marriage, which finally came to a head recently.
She threw him out and asked for a divorce, and he got a new place and they’ve divided up the kid time and all that, and they’re both distraught and whatever, but that’s not my question. My question has to do with my own shitty behavior in the aftermath. While I’ve never been as close to the wife, I did hang out with her a lot, keep her company when husband was on the road, support her during the numerous other times she had thrown him out, etc. I had always felt judged by her, though, and just kinda let go the fact that I never felt comfortable, for the sake of the band and our little family. I’m fairly sure she had some unvoiced misgivings about my relationship to her husband and his career over the years as well, but there was really no way for me to address that since she never acknowledged it.
But now that they’ve split up, I’ve spent a lot of time with husband, helping him out, because my career depends on it, but I also am very close with him and I know he’d do the same for me. My issue is that after the initial split and whatnot went down, I didn’t call wife and she didn’t call me and now it’s been a few weeks and…no contact. I am conflicted, because I feel like I’ve abandoned her and I’m pretty sure she’s pissed, but at the same time I’m scared to death to talk to her and also feel like I’m so bogged down with work (I manage and work at a record label as well as doing another part time gig) and the band and my own personal problems that supporting someone else right now just might break me. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth for it — I barely have it for husband at this point. Plus, then that opens up a whole can of “he said/she said” worms that I’m really not into being a part of.
I feel like a selfish ass, and I don’t know how to handle this situation, but I just don’t agree with how she handled the whole thing. I’m not one to judge usually, but I find some of her behavior during this time absolutely psycho crazy. Then there’s the added element of being a woman and having a close friendship with a man that’s not romantically motivated — I don’t think a lot of people understand that and tend to be suspicious even after years of platonic friendship. It’s all just icky and sad and scary that these people who I considered family are breaking apart, especially when I’m so far from my own family.
Do you think I should just call her, give her the benefit of the doubt and take it as it comes, not call her and let it stand, or what? I can’t cut off my relationship with husband, because he’s my “moneymaker” and seriously, managing this band is the only thing I’ve ever really wanted to do in my life, I love it. I’m stuck. Any advice you could give on this totally dysfunctional problem would be much appreciated.
Love and kisses,
At least I don’t manage Tommy Lee
Dear Tommy,
I’d just leave her alone. You don’t really like her that much; you don’t like her behavior in this situation; the fact is that, in this instance, you do have to pick a side and it does have to be…not hers. End of story. This is a work issue, and I can hear you saying that it’s not that simple, but it actually is. Your job does not allow you to be in the middle of this; you have to cast your lot with the husband.
I’m sure she understands that that’s the deal. She might resent it, but there’s really nothing you can do about that, and if you didn’t call her to check in immediately after the split, it’s probably best just to let it drop. This isn’t someone you’d have chosen as a friend anyway, so let her actions have their consequences and try to stay out of it as far as she’s directly concerned.
Hi Sars,
I am a senior in college and I am applying to graduate school right now
for next year. I have asked three professors to write recommendations
for me. They’ve all happily agreed to write the recommendations, which
is not the problem. The problem has to do with etiquette in this situation.
While I was talking to a friend about my applications, she asked me what
I was going to buy the professors. I didn’t understand what she meant,
and then she explained herself. According to my friend, you’re supposed
to buy professors gifts for writing recommendations for you. I’ve never
heard of such a thing, however, I do not have much experience in the
area as I am the first one in my family to graduate from college, let
alone apply to graduate school. I was planning on writing them each a
nice thank-you note because I simply cannot afford much else.
Is my friend right? Should I buy my professors a gift, or is a nice
thank-you note enough?
Sincerely,
Pesky etiquette questions were never answered in any classes for my major
Dear Pesky,
I would do some asking around in your department to see what everyone else is doing. I don’t know that it would occur to me to buy a thank-you gift, but if that’s considered “the thing,” maybe giving them a bottle of wine or some homemade cookies or something would get you off the hook.
But, as someone who has written more recommendations than she’s solicited, I have to say, I don’t really care if I get a present for doing it. Sometimes I do, which is quite generous; more often I don’t, which is fine. It probably depends on the professor, and if it’s a teacher you’ve been close to, maybe a small token is appropriate. But it’s not like they can go back and rewrite it shittier if you don’t cough up a keychain from Tiffany, so I wouldn’t worry about it overly.
Hey Sars. Since you are known far and wide for tossing a mean word-salad, I’m hoping you can dish something up for me.
It’s about a boy (surprise!). The boy’s name isn’t Jerk-Jerk, but that’s what I’ll call him. Jerk-Jerk and I dated this summer. He’s a friend of a friend. Jerk-Jerk dumped me, I think. It wasn’t so much that he dumped me as he said “I’ll call you,” and then never did. Fine. Whatever. He sucks. It’s beneath me. Periodically, a social situation will arise and I know he’ll be there, and I avoid it, because I really don’t want to interact with him. This is a disappointment to our mutual friends, who would like everyone to just get along.
This week, I’m pretty sure I’ll be running into him. A mutual friend’s band is playing, and Mutual Friend wants me there bad enough that he gave me a free ticket. How can I say no to that? I can’t. I just can’t say no. So I’m going. And I will be looking totally hot.
Here’s where you come in. What do I say to Jerk-Jerk, should I run into him? Mostly I want to tell him to fuck off and then light him on fire with the power of my mind, because that’s how I was raised. But I know I need to be the bigger person and act like it’s beneath me and not start a fight where someone gets stabbed. If he asks me any personal questions, I’m thinking I’ll say, “That’s not really any of your business, is it?” How’s that sound? Do you have any other witty retorts I can keep in my pocket, just in case?
Feeling stabby,
AG
Dear AG,
Your best option here is to actually believe that it’s beneath you instead of continuing to fume and plot in the direction of a guy you only dated for, tops, a few months. Yes, he should have called; yes, he’s a twat. Summer ended like six months ago; it’s time for you to really be the bigger person and stop creating drama for everyone by avoiding him and pre-planning your bitchy remarks.
A band is playing. Nobody’s going to be talking at any length anyway, it’ll be too loud. If you see Jerk-Jerk, smile, make a couple sentences of small talk, and move somewhere else in the room to talk to other people.
But leave the witty retorts at home. This isn’t a sitcom; you guys weren’t married. Cool, civil, next.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette friendships kids
