The Vine: February 9, 2011
Dear Sars,
I’m wondering about the limits of gift etiquette, and I’d be really interested in your view, since I know your gift manners are exemplary.
I have an older sister. The thing about her is that she was a pretty comprehensively horrible older sister to grow up with, and a while back, I decided that I was kind of done with her being a horrible older sister to be a grownup with, too.
When I was in my late twenties and she was just past thirty, I offered her a deal. I wanted to get off the merry-go-round of aggravation and nastiness, so I proposed terms which boiled down to some pretty elemental behaving-like-adults stuff, so we could work on building a healthy relationship. Otherwise, I said at the time, we couldn’t have a relationship at all, because the ways we’ve always interacted are toxic. It’s worth noting, I think, that my relationship with my sister almost drove me to suicide. It was pretty thoroughly messed up.
Sister said no, she wasn’t interested. She didn’t want to talk about the past ever, and she didn’t want to have to listen if I wanted to tell her that something she had said or done upset me, and she didn’t want to talk about how we interact in any way that indicated that the blame might not be mine alone. As far as she’s concerned, everything that’s been negative between us since I was born is my fault and things would be fine if I would just accept that.
I said if that was her choice, then we couldn’t have a relationship any more.
It’s been about a year and a half since then. In that time I have seen her in person once, at Christmas 2009, at our parents’ house. (I was civil, but distant.) Since she included me in some mass-forwarded emailing after I had just asked her not to contact me any more, I started filtering her emails to trash, and told her I was doing so.
The part that gets awkward? She still gives me birthday and Christmas presents, transferred via our parents.
This Christmas, my mother followed this up with suggesting that I should write her a thank-you note for the present I had rather awkwardly taken along with my gifts from my parents and family friends.
I feel like doing so would be wrong — because I set a boundary and it’s important to me to hold it, and because it would probably suggest to her that I was caving and we could resume a relationship on her terms, which I feel would be unfair, since that isn’t going to happen.
What do you think? Should I write her a note — but tell her that I’m still not going to interact with her if I have a choice? Should I ignore it, and treat the gifts as damages for past injuries, or pass them on to charities? Should I reject the gifts entirely? (In my cultural background, refusing a gift is incredibly rude, and I’m reluctant to horrify my parents like that, but…)
Torn
Dear Torn,
But you’re still interacting with her. You still have a relationship with her, and she still controls you through it. Standing right at the boundary line and informing her, over and over, that this is the boundary and you will defend it is not ignoring her or ending the relationship. It’s creating even more thankless work and frustration for yourself within it.
I think what you actually want, although you haven’t admitted as much to yourself, is to teach her (and everyone else) a lesson. You want her to Get It from the fact that you’ve cut off contact, taken a stand. But she hasn’t — no surprise; telling her you’ve sent her emails to the junk folder is contact, after all, plus you do let your parents talk you into accepting the presents, in the end — and she won’t, so: now what?
Accept that she will not learn, give yourself permission to stop giving a shit, and do whatever requires the least effort and emotional engagement going forward. It doesn’t sound to me like you’ve explained the situation to your parents, which you might consider doing, in brief, so they understand why you behave certain ways, but if it’s going to turn into even more drama and they’ll still make a federal case out of you accepting the gift, well, then just accept the damn thing. Take it, write a short thank-you note, and sell it on eBay or drop it in a trash can two blocks away.
“But then she’ll think she –” Who cares? Seriously. Who? You. You and you only, and you get to choose how Sister makes you feel, so if she thinks that means you have a relationship, you don’t have to care that she’s wrong. If she keeps buying you shit at the holidays and never gets the hint, you don’t have to care that she’s oblivious. If she tells everyone she knows that she’s an awesome sister, you don’t have to care. You don’t have to care at all. She doesn’t; that’s the whole problem, no?
You don’t have to forgive her, or stop thinking she’s a dick, but if you genuinely don’t want to deal with her? Don’t. But holding a boundary this unswervingly is dealing with her. Find another way, one that lets you go back to not thinking about her as soon as possible.
Tags: etiquette the fam
Man, this sister sounds a lot like my older brother. Very mentally and physically abusive growing up and not much nicer now. Although he can fake it.
I think the sister is trying to look like the “innocent, good one” in her parents eyes by giving her “thankless” little sister gifts through them. It’s manipulative and b*tchy. What I would probably do is accept the gift and then accidentally forget it at my parents’ house. Every time. But I would NOT write a thank you note. Thanks for what? Trying to make me look bad? Meh. Of course your parents will likely mail it to you, but then do what you want with it. I like the eBay idea, although that site has become quite the pain itself. Goodwill is a great depository for clothing and other useful (but possibly not your taste) items.
Good luck. And good for you for drawing a boundary. I’ve had to do the same. No contact. And I’m much happier. ;)
I was curious to see Sars’ take on this because I wondered if my own was too harsh. But it’s one thing to set boundaries, and another to allow those boundaries to dictate our every move and every relationship.
I’d have advised the same. Dude, it sucks. She’s a douche and you want nothing to do with her and she keeps inserting herself into your life anyway, but… you have people in common. That is going to happen forever. Personally, if I were your jerkoff sister and I kept giving you gifts and receiving nothing in return, I would eventually stop, but not everyone is wired like me. Write the thank you note, go ahead and add, “this still doesn’t make us buddies” at the end if you like, and move along with your life. Creating strain with the parentals over it isn’t worth your time. Don’t reach out and don’t react unless you must. Sometimes making concessions to keep the peace is worthwhile. Chances are good your parents aren’t going to stop loving your sister just because she’s an asshole; part of your boundary needs to be not expecting them to.
I would stop taking the gifts. I would also explain (if you haven’t already) to your parents, but be prepared that they will try and talk you out of your position, and will feel that the situation between you and your sister reflects somehow on them.
If it were me, the continued unwanted gifts would create resentment, and then, the fact that I had to dispose of them would make me more resentful. The easiest course would be to not take responsibility for the gifts in the first place. And don’t take the gifts to get them out of your parents’ house (like, trying to help your parents by removing the gift) because a) your sister cast your parents in this role rather than trying to give the gift to you directly, and b) your parents accepted this role. Not taking the gifts removes both the onus to deal with them, and the onus of writing a thank-you note.
I realize that I sound particularly horrible, but this course of action is not how you would treat just anyone, but how you would react to someone mean and manipulative.
good luck. I have some empathy, as I had to cut a family member from my life for a while too, and I was much happier afterward.
Write the thank you note. Yes, she’s trying to manipulate you…and guess what? She just did. She manipulated you into showing bad manners and looking an ass to your parents by not showing gratitude for a gift, while making herself look like the good daughter. And you fell for it.
Understand, truly cutting off contact as in never speak, email, or phone her again is probably not really practical, at least as long as your parents are alive, and it will take as much aggravation to enforce that as it would to simply deal with her ON YOUR TERMS. You can cut off your relationship…by controlling YOURSELF and your reactions to her manipulation. Go to family gatherings and be civil but distant as you did. Delete her e-mails unread, but don’t tell her you are doing so, just do it. Ignore her as much as possible, and be civil when absolutely necessary. In all things, like thank you notes, show class and good manners and do not allow her the moral high ground.
Write a brief, impersonal thank you note. It takes five minutes of your time and 44 cents. Then do as you like with the gift, and go on with your day. In the time it took you to write to Sars you could have written the note and gone on with life. If you truly want her aggro out of your life, then act like she already is and IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE.
My situation is the light version of this and I get it, especially with the parent situation. I get the lectures from Mom, all of it. You feel like a jerk for hurting your parents’ feelings (I know, they put themselves there, but it’s what happens.) I don’t really want to play “But *he’s* the bigger jerk” with my parents.
I like Ferretrick’s solution except I would add the following. Find a local charity/church/whatever that accepts donations of stuff (Purple heart will often pick up at your house). Buy a box of generic-looking notecards. Write all the notes up in one sitting:
Dear Sister, Thank you for the gift. I have donated it to ________. Sincerely, Brother.
Seal up, address, and set aside. When the time comes you pick up gift, drop off gift with charity, drop off card in the mail.
Done and done!
I completely disagree with most people. Ignore her, ignore her gifts, and don’t write her. Don’t engage at all. Manipulative people want to provoke a reaction and create an opening. Writing a thank-you is an opening. I’ve seen first-hand that the only way to truly have no relationship is to refuse to engage at all. Of course you don’t want to let her manipulate you, but that’s what she’s doing as long as you care.
I think the idea of leaving the gifts with the ‘rents is a good one (and I’ve successfully used a variation on it myself).
But it’s a tactic that might not work, if the ‘rents are the kind that would pay enough attention as you’re leaving to notice that your hands aren’t full of said gifts. In that case, take the prezzies, bin them asap, send a pre-printed thank-you card with no added sentiment and be done. To quote a Matthew Broderick movie, the only way to win is to not play the game.
Mail the presents back to her, still wrapped. No need to include a note. Do that enough times, and she will stop trying to give you presents. (“Enough times” could span years. Don’t count on quick results.)
Type out a brief, generic thank you note on plain white printer paper. Send it in a business-sized envelope. Repeat as necessary. You soothe your parents, you give nothing of yourself, and your sister doesn’t get the satisfaction of an emotional response. Personally, I’d leave the gifts, unopened at your parents, but if that’s going to cause too much drama, take them and trash them.
Mail the presents back to her, still wrapped. No need to include a note. Do that enough times, and she will stop trying to give you presents.
And she’ll still be engaging the sister and still sending her A Message (at some postal expense, if this continues for years on end). The sister’s already been told that a relationship with her is not wanted, and it didn’t work; I don’t see why this would.
Sending the presents back or saying in your thank you note that you’ve donated them would put you in the passive-aggressive, childish role, it seems to me. Whether the gifts are sincere, or a cunning manipulative device, it seems like receiving them politely is the best response. That way, if sis is being manipulative, your not giving her the satisfaction of falling in line.
Since this person is in your life, like it or not, as Sars says, you have to choose how much said “in-ness” is going to affect you.
What, in this specific situation, is bothering/engaging you the most? The gifts themselves? Your parents as go-betweens? The cultural impact of refusing said gifts? The rudeness factor at not acknowledging said items?
It doesn’t have to be just one of the above, but at the very least, if you sit and study your emotions, they will probably range: say, the gift itself hits a 5, while your parents’ involvement hits a 10, vice versa, or whatever. Think about it for a little while for a few days, until you feel you have things somewhat mentally sorted.
Then, you can decide what to do about what. Is it the gifts themselves? Donate them unopened.
Is it your parents’ involvement? Compose a short speech, along the lines of “I’ve decided not to remain involved with “X”. I know it’s painful for you as our parents, but it’s what’s best for me.” Refuse, politely, the gift, and than change the subject. If they insist on talking about it, repeat your line. Stick to your guns.
Is it the cultural taboo? Well, I’m not going to pretend that those don’t exist, and are powerful, but think through the worst-case scenario in this instance: your parents/sister tell every single person you know that you refused the gift. Possible? Sure, but you can deal with it. Probable? Maybe not. I doubt your parents want the neighbors to know all the dirty laundry, and your sister isn’t God. Even if she puts the effort into squealing to all and sundry, not everyone’s going to care, or believe her.
If it’s the thank you notes, well, go to a secondhand bookstore. Buy a Miss Manners/Emily Post etiquette book, preferably from the forties or fifties. Look up thank you notes and find the stiffest, most formal, impersonal example, the kind you’d write to an embassy. If you feel the need to write the note, use that note for copy, word for word, on a plain white card, mail it, and forget it.
Manipulation is a sneaky, snaky plant, it’s really hard to avoid its tendrils, but that doesn’t mean your life is captive to another person’s will. Not fair, hard, ongoing, but true.
I agree with the minority here–try not to take the gifts at all, but if you must take them, donate them or throw them away. And I wouldn’t send her a thank you note for them at all, unless somehow the thank you note unsent BURNS AT YOUR SOUL or something.
Sister is trying to get a reaction. Fight with her = reaction. Fight with your parents about her = reaction. Thank you note = reaction. So don’t react. Sure, your parents might call you out on that, but you can agree with them “oh, I *should* send her a note!” and then not do it.
Of course, any normal human being who didn’t spend her entire life torturing you and then disregarding you would get a thank you note for a present. But there’s no law requiring you to send one, so get rid of the presents and forget the note.
I’ll throw in another “Do Nothing” vote, along with Lisa M. and Kaijsa. I can’t say it better than they did. I think that’s the best way to not play her game.
From my perspective, if you take the gifts — never mind writing a thank-you note, ugh — you’re now involved. She also knows that her plan to make you believe that you must either interact with her outside of your terms (i.e. thank-you note) or look like the bad guy to your parents just worked. It seems to me that if you really didn’t believe that, you wouldn’t feel the need to take her gifts.
It’s a tough situation and I’m sorry you’re in it. Also: HER behavior is making your parents upset, not yours.
I like the idea of the pre-written thank you note, but without bothering to tell Sister that it was donated, or thrown out, or tossed off a bridge, or whatever. That just adds more information than she deserves.
Buy a package tasteful Thank you cards and a batch of those “Forever” stamps (so you don’t have to worry about postal increases.) Write the same basic message (“Sister, thank you for the gift. I appreciate you thinking of me. Sincerely, Torn.”) in every single card. Address envelope, add stamp, wait for next gift to arrive. Send card, do whatever with gift, done. Don’t mention anything to the parents, just take the gift, thank them for a lovely visit, and carry on.
E-mails? Delete. Phone calls? Don’t pick up. Family gatherings? Polite but distant. Let her think what she wants.
Like Kaijsa, I disagree with most of the comments, which doesn’t happen often here at the Nation. Why would you send a thank you card? Why would you take the gifts off your parents’ hands? Your parents take the gifts from sister, let it be their problem. Don’t let them put it on you.
I’ve struggled with that feeling of really, really wanting the other person to acknowledge that they’re being shunned. The other commenters are right: it’s a waste of energy.
That feeling persisted for some time AFTER I’d realized that there was no chance a real-life exchange with the shunned person would be satisfying. I’d be interested to hear whether anyone has any neat tricks for quenching the burning feel of outrage – in my case the only thing that worked was to give it time.
You know, something’s off to me about this one. Mom is the one suggesting the thank you note. Yes, it’s good manners to send a thank you note to someone you won’t be able to thank in person.
OTOH, if the sister is as callous and oblivious as Torn suggests, I doubt she’d care to receive a thank you note. I wonder if mom is trying to force a reconciliation. If so, I’d say do nothing, save yourself the writing and the aggravation, and call their/her bluff.
“And she’ll still be engaging the sister and still sending her A Message (at some postal expense, if this continues for years on end). The sister’s already been told that a relationship with her is not wanted, and it didn’t work; I don’t see why this would.”
Sending the present back is still engaging and won’t work, but sending her a thank-you note… isn’t? and will work?
This is still a new situation for Torn and her sister. Disengaging from abusive enmeshment does not happen overnight. Deliberate gestures of rejection help the process along, in my experience. Being all polite about boundary violations (“Dear Sister, thank you so much for crossing my stated boundaries with the lovely present! I remain your obedient doormat, Torn”) doesn’t.
I think a thank you note is insincere and unnecessary, as he/she is not thankful for the gift or whatever sentiment was behind them. Perhaps you could write something like,
Dear Sister,
Mom and Dad passed along the gift you sent for me. Due to the nature of our relationship, I do not think exchanging gifts is appropriate. I would prefer it if next birthday/Christmas/whatever you did not get me anything. I hope you will respect my wishes.
Thank you,
Sister (or Brother)
If she continues to give you gifts after that, then I think you should feel free to ignore them/give them away/send them back.
I have a similar situation with my parents. I have forgiven them much of the past, but there are issues in the present that keep us from being close. We rarely talk except for the occasional e-mail, and for a long time I didn’t even want that much contact. But they send me (electronically) generous gifts at birthday and Christmas.
For a long time I didn’t feel comfortable with it. But this is the only way they know how to have a relationship, and I am tired of demanding that they have the kind of relationship I want or no relationship at all. That doesn’t work, and constantly defending that boundary was exhausting, plus the added anger every time they failed to DO IT MY WAY.
I try to keep my boundaries so they can’t hurt me, but the presents don’t hurt me. I choose to see them as a lame attempt at normalcy, and it hurts no one but me if I wallow in my anger and insist that THEY DON’T DESERVE ANY SENSE OF NORMALCY. So I e-mail my thanks. It doesn’t make us pals, but there’s no point telling them that if they just won’t get it.
Hating them hurts me much more than it hurts them.
Don’t even send a thank you note. Why do your parents have to know whether you did or not? If they suggest it again, you can mumble something noncommittal. This might sound rude (to sister) but she is, after all, giving you gifts after you have told her you can’t be in a relationship any more, in other words, she is completely ignoring your boundaries, so why should you have to feign gratitude? Besides, sending a thank you note, no matter how generic, is still engaging with her.
I wrote return to sender on unopened gifts from my father. No cost to me. It worked on gifts. Eventually he took to making his mother and my cousins take dictation, but Torn would have to remove the parental postal service from the equation.
In my cultural background, refusing a gift is incredibly rude, and I’m reluctant to horrify my parents like that, but…
Surely being incredibly rude to her is just what she deserves. The reason not accepting a gift is rude is because it is saying “I don’t like you and I don’t want anything you might give me”, which sounds pretty bang on. Not accepting a gift would only be a bad thing if that’s not what you meant it to mean.
Sending a thank-you note is the path of least resistance, which in my opinion gets an unfairly bad rap in situations like this one. If it will shut Torn’s parents up about it, not conflict with cultural values, and put an end to Torn’s having to think about it, yes, just do it. Spending ten bucks to send back a Cuisinart juicer or whatever the hell, so that the sister can feel slighted, which…she won’t, because she doesn’t get it?
I don’t entirely disagree with the suggestions here to refuse the gift entirely and point-blank not engage at all, but if the sister spent a hundredth of this amount of time thinking about Torn’s reactions and feelings…you know? Sending the gift back is fishing for a “wow, that was harsh…I’VE BEEN SO WRONG ALL ALONG”-type bite that is never coming. Save the time and postage, send a pre-written bland thank-you as others have suggested, and stop giving it the mental shelf space.
If Torn isn’t bothered by low-level lying to her parents, I think the real path of least resistance is: take gift; drop gift off at Goodwill on the way home; when asked about a note say “Oh, I should get around to sending that” or “How strange, it must have gotten lost in the mail.”
I also think Melanie and ferretrick are right about the sister’s motivation here, which is another reason that actually rejecting the gifts seems like a bad idea to me. If the sister just wanted to piss Torn off, she could send the gifts directly, and I doubt she thinks sending them through the parents counts as “no further contact” — involving the parents is about making Torn look unreasonable and ungrateful, and making herself look like the good, noble daughter patiently suffering through Torn’s inexplicable meanness. Rejecting the gifts would just play into that.
I wouldn’t even send a thank you note, myself. I’d take the gift (it’s unfair to make your parents a go-between) and donate it, and that’s that. Giving you presents when you expressly asked her not to is actually an insult, and imho should be treated as such, by being ignored. And when mom tells you to send a thank you note? You could say “Thanks, I’ll take care of it” (without specifying what that means) or “Thanks, but you don’t have to worry about my relationship with sister”, or “Gosh, mom, you know I hate to be rude but I’ve been trying to get her to stop giving me presents so I’m discouraging it every way I can.”
But maybe I’m just a meanie.
@iiii: Hee hee! “I remain your obedient doormat” cracked me UP!
I liked Jen S. 1.0’s suggestion to figure out which part of the situation annoys Torn the most, and then deal with that part. Maybe that would help Torn to let it go more easily.
I’m the type that would brood and stew over this for ages, regardless of which strategy I adopted. I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
I would be certain to unwrap/unpack/investigate the gift thoroughly before returning or disposing of it. In some parallel Bizarro universe, there just might be a big ol’ letter of apology hidden underneath the whatsit. Or it might be an art piece with some kind of reconciliation symbolism. Maybe just the act of sending a gift at all is the only way Sister can even attempt to make amends for the past.
Once you’ve taken a few moments to evaluate, then you can decide what to do with it and whether or not to respond.
Personally, I’d go with the “Mom and Dad passed along the gift you sent for me. Due to the nature of our relationship…not get me anything. I hope you will respect my wishes” note suggested above.
It acknowledges that a gift was transferred, gives no info about disposal, and re-states the desired boundary.
Repeat as needed. Even if she’s dense as a brick, she’ll eventually get tired of wasting her time and money, and then she’ll leave you in peace.
I agree with Sars on this one. To continue to send the gifts back, to repeat the break-up message ad nauseum may feel like a declaration of strength, BUT it is also tantamount to “As a reminder, I am ignoring you. And in case you missed the minutes of our last meeting, I am ignoring you.” Also, the refusal of the gift at the parents’ house sounds like a good idea in theory, but if it’s going to cause a 2-hour fight every time it happens? Then it is in Torn’s best interest to just take it and forget it.
Torn’s sister may have nothing but time and money and energy to feed to this BS relationship. Counting on her quitting is an invitation to frustration and disappointment.
Also, Torn? Sorry your sister is That Way.
Ugggh. I go through this with my family in regards to my father. As the youngest I had a very different relationship with him than my older siblings – they were long gone before he became verbally and mentally abusive. I do not have any contact with him, they do. They do not comprehend what I went through, how it shaped me, and how they only way I can remain sane is to have zero contact. After a decade of him sending sporadic gifts that were never opened and went straight into the trash and his trying to engage me through my siblings – who were well meaning in their own way, much as I feel Torn’s parents are – it all finally stopped. It took a long time, and many times my siblings would try to bring it up, but I just calmly cut them off, reminded them that this was not open for discussion, and changed the topic. No drama, no worries about what others thought, basically a “nothing to see here, just move along” attitude.
One thing that has struck me is that we’re all sort of assuming that Sister’s reason for sending the gifts is to be a dick. We don’t really know WHAT her deal is – maybe this is her way of extending an olive branch, however indirect and feeble? Probably not, but something to think about.
My strategy would be to either accept the gift and dispose of/re-gift it or “forget” it when leaving the parents’ house. Or, tell the parents straight-up that Sister caused Torn to CONSIDER SUICIDE and that Parents need to let go of some kind of tearful reconciliation/Happy Family scene and THEY can do whatever the hell they like with the gift because Torn isn’t going anywhere near it, full stop. It’s not just “oh we don’t get along, we’re different people.” Sister caused Torn to consider suicide. That’s kind of a big deal.
I have to wonder what Torn’s parents’ motivation is in all this. Are they playing the part of the dutiful parents, hoping their children will reconcile? I mean, Torn does say that Sister nearly drove her to suicide. Are the parents not aware of the nature of their children’s relationship?
If they’re being willfully oblivious, I think a reminder along the lines of we don’t get along, please don’t enable Sister in this dysfunction is called for.
It’s an all-around sucky situation, and I’m sorry for Torn. It also makes me want to call my sisters and thank them for being awesome.
Yeah, I’m with Elsajeni, Judy, and John on this one. Take the gift from your folks, ditch it, and don’t bother with a card. No one will know for sure if you send this card but Sister, and Sister’s the one whose opinion you don’t care about, so… let it go.
I have a coworker whose son refuses to talk to her and has since he was 14. According to her, she spent years sending presents (and may still be doing so?). At first, Son, Wife, and Kids took the gifts, and never sent a note. Then, she started sending gift cards, and they started sending them back “return to sender”. I am not clear is she is continuing to do this or not.
Another vote here for taking the gift from parents without comment and then disposing or donating it without sending any kind of acknowledgment whatsoever. If parents mention something about sending a thank you note, acknowledge the comment non-commitally (as in, “okay” no further explanation). The okay/non-commital response isn’t lying to parents, it’s just being non-commital. Besides, you are well beyond the age where parents should be reminding their children to say thank you (I assume neither Torn nor sis are toddlers, after all). It’s none of parents business anymore.
But I would definitely NOT be sending any sort of thank you whatsoever. Doing so continues to engage in the situation.
It sounds to me like maybe Mom is trying to broker some peace here. Sister still sends you gifts?
A) Are you sure she actually bought them? Or could it be that Mom bought it and told her to sign a card to you and Sister thinks, “path of least resistance, okay.”
B) There is a cultural factor here in the ‘thank you card’ thing but maybe mom thinks she can create some goodwill by forcing communication between you.
I think it might be time to sit the folks down and explain the situation. Honestly and without emotion. Is it possible that Mom is also hoping for a result she will never get? It can’t be that easy on her, after all, to watch her kids actively hating each other.
I actually believe that the specific action Torn chooses to take isn’t really the issue. What matters is that Torn chooses the path that will cause her the least amount of aggrivation, with a clear understanding of what she expects/hopes to get out of it (which, as Sars points out, needs to be “Not a Goddamn Thing”).
So, Torn, what is mentally easiest for you? What will allow you to put this issue fully and completely to bed for you, without in any way triggering an expectation that it will cause your sister to do anything particular in response? In other words, forget the impact on your sister or your parents–what’s easiest for you? Is it ignore? Donate? Send a generic note? Whatever it is (and that will depend on you and your preferences entirely), do that. And then, let it go. Completely and forever.
I really like the idea of mass-producing TY notes and sending them off. Bonus points if you type them up on the computer and then hand-write in the item and the charity.
It seems like to really want to cut off your sister, your parents have to be on board or at least respect your wishes.
What to do with the gift depends on where you draw the line. You can take the gift out of your parents house and throw it out on the way home. Don’t send a thank you note. This does not constitute accepting a gift.
Or, you can tell your parents that you aren’t accepting gifts from your sister. Tell them why. Surely they know but maybe they need a reminder. Tell them you don’t want the gifts and you don’t want to know about the gifts. They can keep them, donate them or throw them out, you don’t care. (This is the path of least resistance, but I still don’t think it warrants a thank you note. Your sister can go pound sand.)
If this is where you want to draw the line, then that’s fine too. If your parents to press you to take gifts on the way out the door, who cares? Your leaving anyway. There doesn’t have to be a fight. “No I don’t need that. You guys can do whatever you like with it. Love you, bye.”
You already know how to deal with your sister (except, stop communicating with her as Sars said). Now you have to decide how to deal with your parents. Do you want them to acknowledge how awful your sister was and is? Do you want them to support your enforcement of no relationship? Do you simply not give a shit at all?
There aren’t any wrong answers, you just need to figure out where you stand and then stand firm.
I think it would be a good idea to go to a counsellor. Abuse is very hard to overcome on your own. It also sounds like you have a dysfunctional relationship with your parents for which I don’t blame you one bit. A counsellor can help you there too. If you want to have a healthy relationship with them, it might help to have an outside perspective on this. Mostly though, go see one just to take care of yourself. After all the shit you’ve been through I think you could use some extra support.
Best,
Emily
Re: this
“(This is the path of least resistance, but I still don’t think it warrants a thank you note. Your sister can go pound sand.)”
I put that in the wrong spot. Taking the gift home and throwing it out is the path of least resistance. Drawing the line with your parents is much harder.
We’re all talking about the thank-you note as if it matters. The only thing Torn said was that Mom suggested it. So, here’s what (a) makes you look the best, (b) requires the least amount of effort, and (c) minimizes contact with Sister.
Part 1: Take the gift, gratefully and happily. Put on a big smile and say “Oh, how lovely. She didn’t have to. Please make sure to thank her for me.” as genuinely and nicely as you can. It shouldn’t be hard; you know she is going to get you these gifts, so what’s awkward about it? Acting awkward or ungrateful is probably the reaction Sister wants, so that your parents can inevitably start guilting you back into “giving her a chance.”
Part 2: When Mom, or anyone, suggests writing a thank-you note, say “Good idea, Mom.” Then don’t write it. Take the gift and throw it away. I really recommend you put it right in the dumpster, because it will probably make you feel really happy. Donating it is effort.
Also, I realize, ultimately your parents will probably try to get you to send her gifts back. I highly recommend that you act like everything is fine between the two of you when you’re with them. Obviously it’s not, but Sister isn’t admitting it and they’re not admitting it, so just act accordingly.
Mom: “Why don’t you get Sister a gift this year?”
Torn: “We decided a little while back not to exchange gifts. I don’t know why she still gets me anything.”
Mom: “Why don’t you and Sister spend some time together?”
Torn: “We’re just not that close. She’ll always be my sister, but we do better in our own social circles.”
Believe me, polite deflection will get you off the hook for a lot of drama. Just pretend you’re always talking to work colleagues.