The Vine: January 10, 2002
Dear Sars,
Here’s my problem:
I have a friend I haven’t talked to in a few weeks. It all started with her giving me a birthday present, and me not thanking her for it within three days. She gave it to me on a Sunday, and I opened it the next day, which was my actual birthday. On Wednesday I called her and left a message on her answering machine because I vaguely remembered that we were supposed to get together that afternoon. She did not call me back.
That night I got one of the most scorching, abusive emails that I ever hope to receive. The salutation, as I recall, was “jesus christ!” The title of the letter was “Get some class about you, girl!” It went on to inform me that I was sorely lacking in manners for not mentioning her gift in my answering machine message, proof positive that I had my “head up my ass.”
I wrote a thank-you note and got it in the mail that night. When I finally brought myself to respond to the email, it was with profuse apologies for my inconsiderateness. I told her how much I value our friendship, and that I miss her. I reiterated that I loved the gift. I then gently mentioned that I didn’t feel that I deserved the “scorcher” of an email that she had sent. Her response was to say that she accepted my apology, but didn’t feel that she could retract anything she’d said at first, because she felt she’d been in the right. I didn’t hear from her again until she wrote to ask for a book back. I called to make sure she was in and then dropped by with the book. I asked for the return of about a dozen videotapes and a couple of books of mine. We made the exchange, and it seemed pleasant enough, but of course I was not invited in. I should mention that this woman is four months pregnant or so, and while she used to take Wellbutrin, she has probably gone off it due to her pregnancy.
So, what is my question? It is this. Do you think I should attempt to rekindle or heal this friendship, or must I let it go? Her birthday is in four days, and I’m thinking of dropping a present by her house, something I bought before we had this falling out. I’d be happy if she’d apologize for her harsh tone with me, but I guess there’s nothing I can do about that.
Any thoughts you might have on this situation are greatly appreciated,
Not Willing To Be Walked On
Dear Not Willing,
She’s not going to apologize. Accept it. A person who corrects the manners of others doesn’t have much in the way of manners herself, of course, but that’s beside the point.
There’s really nothing you can do. The ball’s in her court, by her design; think about that. Think about the fact that she’s just letting you dangle, waiting for you to prove yourself to her. She’s dictating the terms right now. She’s determined to punish you; you have to decide whether you want to take the punishment or not.
I wouldn’t. If it means that much to her to be right, let her stew in it. Take the gift over to her house, wish her well, and leave it at that. (And if she doesn’t write you a thank-you note within a week, rip a strip off her. Heh.)
Dear Sars,
In the midst of the larger chaos of the world, I have a smaller, more personal chaos to contend with. My fiancé, who is of Trinidadian extraction, is currently in the messy process of getting a guest worker visa to come to the U.S. He was here, but a paperwork glitch sent him back to the tropics until it gets sorted out. It was supposed to take two weeks, it’s been three months. So things aren’t looking good. We are debating getting married (both flying to Barbados or the Bahamas, where residency isn’t an issue) so I can apply for a spousal visa to bring him and his two daughters here.
So that sounds relatively straightforward. The problem is this: My love is a big Caribbean man with dark skin and beautiful dreads and tattoos. I am a poster child for all things Nordic. My mother has openly freaked about my dating said love, and has threatened to bar him from family gatherings and her house and attempt to take my son away from me if I pursue this relationship. My family of eight sibs and their children and my son mean the world to me, but this man is my soulmate. I did not set out to shock anyone or lead the crusade for miscegenation. I know I will marry this man. So my question is, how do I deal with my mother and my family? There is a part of me that is deeply hurt by their attitude, the part that thought their love for me was unconditional.
Thanks,
The prodigal daughter
Dear Prodigal,
Your mother is a racist, and full of shit to boot. She can’t take away your kids, and for her to say she’d try is, in my view, grounds for permanent dismissal.
Sit her down and tell her, in as pleasant and even a tone as possible, exactly what you just told me. You love The Caribbean. You will marry him. You love your son, and you will keep him. And you love her, but if she doesn’t support you, you will learn to live without her in your life — and whether that happens is entirely up to her. Find a way to mean “bring it on, bitch” without actually saying it.
Your mother says that crap because she knows it works on you, so don’t let it; don’t let her control you anymore. She moves against you, she’s cut off — period. I know it’s hard, but if your family begrudges you your happiness because you’ve found it with a man of color, they’re not a family; they’re a bunch of assholes you happen to share DNA with.
Tags: friendships the fam
