The Vine: January 11, 2001
Dear Sarah,
I’m not writing on my own behalf so much as I am for my SO, in a sense, but my question is: is it possible that he’s been abused in the past, and if so, what (if anything) is there that I can or should do for him?
Right now the backstory would probably come in handy, so here it is: although “John” and I have known each other for two years, we only got together romantically about four months ago. (We’re both 20 and in college.) John’s always been somewhat shy and reserved, and it’s only recently that he’s been able to feel secure enough with me to really open up about himself. For the most part it’s been wonderful, especially finding that he really is as endearingly strange and sweet as he first appears, but some of the things I’ve found out about him are deeply troubling.
His self-esteem is abysmal, particularly about his physical appearance. At the very worst one could say he’s average-looking (although to me he’s flat-out delicious, of course), but he’s convinced that he’s grotesque to the point of deformity. John can’t stand the sight of his own reflection, and he’s visibly uncomfortable around any sort of highly reflective surface. He also looks discomfited any time conversational eye contact is held longer than a few seconds at most – in fact, he usually doesn’t even look at a person he’s talking to, not out of any inherent rudeness but because, he says, that way he can at least pretend that the other party isn’t looking at him. I’ve noticed this myself – if he catches me looking at him, a sad expression will cross his face and he’ll quickly turn his head the other way.
But by far the most heartbreaking thing John’s said is that I’m the first person to touch him in years, outside of family. He said he dislikes being touched because he feels sorry for most people who have to be that physically close to him, although he doesn’t mind me because he doesn’t feel that I’m repulsed by him.
It goes on and on. John’s always calling himself “stupid” and “worthless,” and despairs of ever “making anything of himself.” He used to self-mutilate, but fortunately he hasn’t done that in ages. He goes through hysterical panic attacks sometimes when things go wrong, has vivid nightmares/night terrors, suicidal impulses, social difficulties (he’s a hard person to get to know because of the aforementioned shyness and reserve), and frequently he’ll collapse into a deeply depressive mood over the slightest little thing. I’ve suggested that he should maybe look into therapy of some kind, but he dismisses all of these things as “nothing to complain about, really” and “no big deal.”
I try not to pry, but part of me wants to know how the hell all of these things happened to him. Deduced from various little things he’s said over the course of our relationship, I suspect his family has had a big hand in it. I haven’t met them yet (long-distance thing), but his father seems to be a traditional macho type who doesn’t get along well with his artistic, intelligent son – they have frequent shouting matches in which his dad gets right up in his face and so on. Mom doesn’t appear to be much better, either. John once absentmindedly made a remark about remembering her telling him he looks disgusting, but quickly changed the subject when I incredulously asked him about it, glossing over it with “I’m sure she didn’t really mean it” and “oh, it’s nothing.” He’s not close at all to his siblings, so there’s no comfort there, and in general he avoids talking about the family if it’s at all possible.
Am I making too much out of nothing, or is it possible that John’s been abused by these people at some point? I’ve tried to do some research on verbal/emotional abuse, but web resources are largely geared towards sexual abuse issues and our pitiful local library is no help at all.
I want to be supportive of John in any way I can, and if it does turn out that he was somehow abused growing up, I don’t want to misstep through ignorance – I just want to do anything I possibly can to help, if there even is anything I can do. It hurts my heart to see and hear such a sweet, remarkably tender-hearted person as he is being so hateful toward himself, or to think of him being treated in such a way that he’d come to think he deserves it. Any advice you could give me would be deeply appreciated.
Sincerely,
Jenny
Dear Jenny,
I have zero expertise on identifying or dealing with victims of childhood abuse, but when I read your letter, I see John wanting to disappear, literally – to become invisible and unseen – and that’s a hallmark of past abuse. Maybe I just watch too many shows on Lifetime.
Regardless of their origins, John has serious psychological problems. He used to self-injure, he suffers from panic attacks, and it sounds like he’s working a major-league compulsive disorder, and he needs therapy, lots of it, soon. I know you want to help, but this is too big for you on your own. The best thing you can do for him is ride his ass to see a therapist or a social worker. Tell him that you adore him and that it hurts your heart to see him in such a state about himself – in other words, what you told me in your letter. Then tell him you think he needs help with his issues, and your saying so doesn’t mean that you like him any less or think any less of him as a person, but you think he deserves all the happiness and confidence in the world, and he just needs a little push towards those things. Don’t let up. Insist. Keep at him.
If he won’t get therapy…well, you should give serious thought to getting out now. It sounds terribly heartless, but you can’t “fix” John, and even if he does take the necessary steps towards helping himself, it could take a decade to undo whatever damage got done to him…and, in the end, it isn’t your responsibility. Do whatever you can for him, for as long as you can…but, at the same time, recognize that this isn’t your job, and that at some point you may have to save yourself. Again, I know it sounds kind of bitchy and self-centered, but a man with miserably low self-esteem will eventually start to pull you down like a pair of boots in a river, and there’s only so much you can do before you drown too.
You may have tried this already, but try entering the phrase “emotional abuse,” with the quotation marks, into a search engine. I just gave it a try, and it turned up a huge list of resources which you might find helpful (and could even pass along to John).
You have a good, generous heart, and John’s lucky to have you. With a bit of luck, the two of you can find a way to get through this thing together. Let me know how things go.
