The Vine: January 11, 2002
Sars,
Help me out here…I know the honest truth in the situation but I think I need to hear it said. Okay?
I share an apartment with my best friend for the past year. Only problem…we have been having sex off and on for several years. At first, we both would go in and out of seeing other people and other half-assed relationships and fighting or crying about it. Over time, both of us have stopped seeing other people, but we have also stopped discussing anything about the situation, and to be honest, I am enjoying myself except for the niggling fear in the back of my mind that this is all going to end so badly with me hurt and crying to my friends that are already pretty annoyed with the situation.
Not that I know what I want here, because I don’t. Not at all.
The lease is ending in a few months, and part of me thinks that I should go ahead and move out. I mean, if he wanted to keep in touch with me then he would, right? Only thing is that to move out would mean that there would have to be some sort of discussion…oh, and also…we own a dog together. So there would be that fight also.
Help me please.
Fearful, frightened loser
Dear Fearful,
I don’t blame your friends for getting annoyed. After “several years,” I wouldn’t want to hear about it anymore either, because when people moan and cry about a situation but don’t actually take any steps to change it, it gets way old way fast. So, let’s just speak plainly, shall we? For starters, you know exactly what you want. You want him to love you, and you want him to say so. He hasn’t; you’re miserable. You don’t need advice. You need a backbone.
Your “best friend” is evidently quite content to let things go on and on in limbo forever. You can continue waiting around for him to pledge his troth (he won’t) or make a decision about the living situation (he will…but for himself, not for the two of you), but you’ve tried that for years now, and I don’t know how much plainer the universe can make it to you that that strategy isn’t working.
You know what you have to do, so quit your bellyaching and do it already. Sit him down. Talk it out. Tell him how you feel. Have a plan and stick to it. Decide what you want, and if you don’t get it, leave.
Yes, it’s hard. That’s too bad. Shit or get off the pot.
Dear Sars,
Love the advice you dish out and I hope you can help me.
I’m organising a dinner at a restaurant for my birthday. The problem is the guests. I have two distinct groups of friends: uni friends that I see almost constantly through the week during term but not so much on the holidays, and old school friends. Together the uni friends number about 15; my links to some of them are tenous at best and even after three years of knowing them, we’re not that close, but we have a good time together. My old school friends number two. One of them is now my boyfriend, so he’s coming, and the other is my best friend. We do a lot of things together, but she has met my uni friends a total of maybe two times, and on each of those occasions, they didn’t really hit it off.
I was okay with making this a simple gathering of uni friends with little mention of birthday celebration (i.e. no gifts) and leaving it at that. But then the boy asked why the best friend wasn’t coming and won’t she be hurt?
I would hate to hurt the best friend’s feelings by excluding her, but on the other hand, we both have other friends and do other things with them; it wasn’t that big a deal to begin with and she’s told me she doesn’t think much of the people I socialise with at uni.
So should I invite her, or tell the boyfriend to keep his big trap shut and go with the original plan?
B’day Girl
Dear B’day,
Just invite your best friend. If you don’t, you’ll hurt her feelings if she hears about it later, and if she really doesn’t “think much of” your uni friends (read: she’s jealous of them, but that’s another letter entirely), she doesn’t have to come if she doesn’t want to.
It’s your birthday, not hers. You don’t have an obligation to amuse her; if she decides to attend, she can suck it up and make her own good time.
Tags: boys (and girls) etiquette roommates
