The Vine: January 12, 2001
Sarah,
I think I’ve been trying to avoid asking this question for a long time, but at this point, I think I need an outside, objective opinion. This is another one of those will-this-long-distance-relationship-work type of questions, except that my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) and I took the opposite approach to most people I know.
I am currently a freshman at Hopkins, and my boyfriend (I’m slipping again – my EX-boyfriend) is a high-school senior in California. Unlike lots of people, we decided to be, or at least thought we were being, smarter and more realistic than other people – we decided to break up when I left for college. The fact that I was leaving was definitely not the sole problem in our relationship but working on the other issues, though definitely possible when we live in the same county, seemed a definite impossibility from 3000 miles away. Our relationship before I left was the most healthy and enriching relationship I’ve ever had. The same I guess can be said for him, but he doesn’t have the same frame of reference I do; I was his first girlfriend. We were together for roughly a year and a half, and no one at this point understands me better than he does. All the reasons I gave myself, and that we gave each other, for breaking up are smart ones: we’re 3000 miles away, it’d put so much stress on us both, it’s not a healthy relationship, we haven’t had enough life experience or relationship experience to be able to make such a huge commitment, we need to go live our lives, figure out who we are and what we want from life and other people before we decide that what we sincerely want is each other, blah blah blah.
Anyways, we still talk to each other on internet phone services, on IM, and through e-mail. It’s become pretty apparent that what we’re looking for, in our respective schools/states/lives, is someone like each other. When describing to me a new friend of his, he said “she’s ten percent you, ninety percent like people I wouldn’t like” – apparently the most like me he’s found so far. When talking to my friend here, I found myself saying, “There’s no one even close to my ex-boyfriend.” Also, we both hate and apparently aren’t very good at referring to each other as “exes.” I’ve slipped about calling him my boyfriend more than a couple times since I’ve been here. He’s slipped too, and the most neutral thing he’s found to refer to me as is “my girl.”
After about a month and a half apart, it doesn’t appear to be getting better. I really hate to ask this question of myself or anyone else, because I thought I’d adequately answered it. For all the completely realistic reasons I’ve listed and the thousand more that I could probably think of, is it possible for us to work this far away? Is our “realistic” view cynicism? Or are we right in our initial decision and just missing the comfort of having each other around? A friend of mine here remained with his girlfriend, who also lives about 2500 miles away, and I rather think that’s more out of habit and convenience (kind of just knowing that he has someone at home who cares about him the way only a girlfriend can, having someone to think of, as he would say, “in that way”) than anything else – I definitely don’t want to be in a relationship because I’m used to it or to satisfy an insecurity. *sigh* Sorry for the length…I guess I felt there was a lot to explain. Any insight at all you could give me would be a huge help.
Hurtin’ @ Hopkins
Dear Hurtin’,
A lot of long-distance relationships don’t work. A lot of the long-distance relationships that fail do so because of the distance itself. But that doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t give it a try. You miss your “ex”-boyfriend, and he misses you. You want to get back together, in your heart; so does he. Don’t fight it. You love each other, and that’s worth something.
You have perfectly valid reasons for concern: the distance is big; you don’t want to cling to your “ex” for the wrong reasons; you don’t know that the love will last when neither of you has seen much of life or the world. But you can cross those bridges when you get to them. You may find yourself becoming interested in someone else, someone at Hopkins, someone who lives closer and makes more sense for you at that point in your life. You may find yourself growing apart from your “ex” for reasons that have nothing to do with him and everything to do with your new life. Again, though, you can deal with those things when they come up. When I fell in love for the first time, the boy and I had to leave for our respective colleges, a thousand miles apart, in a month. I turned it over endlessly in my mind, knowing that I “should” slam the brakes on and save myself, but in the end I decided to hit the gas and enjoy the ride, and I’d do it again.
These things have a way of sorting themselves out in spite of us. If it doesn’t work out, then it doesn’t work out, but you can’t go through your life bracing for impact. Call your boy and tell him you know what you said about “realism” but you don’t give a shit anymore because he rules and you miss him and does he want to get back together. Then sit back and enjoy the ride, and try not to spend all your time thinking about how it’s going to end.
Tags: boys (and girls)
